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Alexandra Cabot had grown up with connections, ambitions, and plans.
Warrant by warrant, victim by victim, case by case: she exhausted favors, pushed lines, burned bridges. A political future gone, her nights sleepless, her efforts fruitless. She had given everything to the job but even when she won, she lost.
Then she had nearly given her life to the job. And her tether had come free.
She was adrift in Wisconsin. With a boring job and a boring man, trying to be normal, and trying not to be murdered.
And then she was back, for a moment. On the wrong side of the stand. Before being sent back to a semblance of a normal life.
A death in prison and an extradition later, and she was back to being a lawyer, far away from the people who'd nearly seen her die.
But the tether had begun to pull again, and she found herself back in the job that had nearly taken her life and her sanity.
It never mattered how long she stayed away, the job stayed the same. A victim falling apart on the stand leading to a lost case, a won case leading to a short sentence; win or lose, a loss.
And eventually, one loss too many.
The law had always been her domain; at times her shackles and at times her cudgel, but it was what she had been born into and what she knew.
It should have surprised her more that she became someone who ran from the law rather than someone who enforced it. But when she had worked for the law it had never worked for her, so she had had to take it into her own hands.
Olivia Benson had grown up with the knowledge she was the product of the worst thing to ever happen to her mother.
She supposed her mother had loved her, but it was often hard to tell. She had loved her mother, but it had been hard to grieve her when she finally took one drink too many.
Every aspect of her life had been constructed to make up for what she was, for how she had been conceived.
She worked to stop men like her father. Her son had been conceived of rape and trafficked to child pornographers before she adopted him. Her friends were her coworkers and she never seemed able to keep a stable relationship.
The law had failed her mother but she nonetheless had made it her life. At times it was hard to even conceive of a difference between herself and her job.
When Alex and Olivia first met, it wasn't under the best circumstances. The unit was under investigation, Jeffries and Stabler's jobs were on the line, and Alex was assigned to oversee it. But over drinks after cases, they grew closer.
It started with the easy familiarity of coworkers. They saw each other nearly everyday, they went out for drinks or the occasional meal, they asked about each others lives and families. No different than they did with Stabler or Fin.
And then they'd stay longer in the bar, after the others had gone home. They talked more intimately, more personally. They'd stand closer. A hand would brush another, a back, or an arm.
Alex stopped going on dates, even though she knew Olivia still went on plenty.
Sometimes, Olivia would stay over. On the couch.
Sometimes, Alex would dream that Olivia was holding her.
And then, the dream turned into a nightmare.
"Alex, look at me. It's okay sweetheart." In her shoulder she felt the worst pain of her life. She felt wetness and knew it was her own blood. Unconsciousness called to her. "Stay with me Alex. You're gonna be okay." She felt the weight of Olivia's hand and the pain in her shoulder worsened still. Darkness took her.
She had to leave behind her home, her job, her friends,, her family, her entire life. For Wisconsin. For a life as an insurance agent where every time a stranger glanced at her she wondered whether that was the man that tried to kill her, whether he would try again.
She dated a nice, boring man, breathed in the pure air, listened to the quiet, and thought only of New York, and what — and who — she'd left behind.
She got to go back, briefly. Got to have her day in court. Got to see Olivia again. Even got to spend a night with her, so to speak. But she didn't get to say goodbye.
And then she could go back, if she wanted. But every time she heard Olivia say her name on her answering machine, she'd remember lying on the street, bleeding, dying, Olivia's had on her shoulder begging her to stay.
So she stayed away. Tried to revitalize her dead political ambitions. Gave more of her conscience away than she'd like to think about. Almost married a good man she didn't love. Until she got called back.
And then she and Olivia were back.
There was the shared work, and the shared drinks, and the lingering after everyone else had already gone home.
But none of it felt the same.
She still felt herself glancing behind herself wondering if someone was following her. Every loss, every dangerous man left to go free grated even more than before. She felt useless and her work felt fruitless. The win here and there barely buoyed her through.
So she left again. And it didn't help.
So she came back once again to her old life.
And mostly, things stayed the same.
Except Stable was gone.
Which meant Olivia leaned more on her.
They spent more nights together, went on more outings. They went skating and bowling, things neither could remember when they'd done last.
Alex felt closer than ever to Olivia, and farther than ever from herself. Her home lacked any personal touches; every night she walked in she felt she might as well be walking into a hotel room. A place she in which couldn't settle, a place that never quite felt hers.
The job felt as unsatisfying and frustrating as ever. She started volunteering at a women's shelter thinking maybe working to actually help victims rather than just punishing abusers could bring some purpose back into her life.
And it did, to a point. But it also meant hearing the horror stories of so many more women, and the feeling of helplessness never went away. So she did something that went against her profession, to help a woman she thought probably wouldn't survive otherwise.
It wasn't the first time she'd infringed on the law. She'd taken her censures, kept her job, and never regretted it for a moment. But the things she started doing went beyond that, if found out it wouldn't just maybe mean disbarment, but also prison. But she finally stopped feeling so damn helpless.
The nature of what she was doing meant she moved around more, and fell out of touch with those she knew. She also finally felt like she was helping, and like she didn't have to glance behind herself to see if anyone was following her anymore. She couldn't stop.
And then she ran into Olivia again. She got to go to court again. A woman was dead despite the law again.
She knows Olivia had bent the rules before, but she was Captain now, ever more entrenched in the justice system Alex was ever more convinced was simply broken beyond fixing. Every time they'd been together before, it had been on the same side, fighting for the same thing, even if they disagreed on occasion. But now they had a difference of opinion that was unreconcilable.
The respect remained there, the care remained there. That was why Olivia let her go, but also why Alex couldn't bring Olivia in.
Their paths crossed. They both still had the same objective, after all, helping victims, no matter how different their chosen methodology was.
Sometimes, Olivia would come across a case where a woman had simply disappeared. She'd feel Alex's fingerprints on it and pay less attention to the case than she should have. Sometimes, she'd call her. She wouldn't ask about the case, she'd just ask Alex about herself. How she was doing.
Sometimes, they'd meet. Somewhere public, before Alex had to go out of town again for something Olivia never asked about, and Alex never volunteered.
They danced around their jobs and talked about their personal lives. One time, when they were in private, in Olivia's apartment with her son asleep before Alex ever came over, Alex leaned in, and Olivia went to get something for them to drink. Alex didn't answer her calls for months after that.
The next time they met, Alex was quiet. Olivia mostly talked. About herself, about her son, about Elliot. Alex listened and they never discussed what might have happened.
They went back to meeting every once in a while. When Alex was in town. Olivia was mostly the one who called. They never discussed how Olivia knew Alex might be there.
Maybe a few times a year, Olivia would call. And then, Alex started calling too. She was in the city, just because. She missed home, even though she hadn't properly lived there in over a decade. It was not like she'd ever been able to call anywhere else home.
Noah was grown, and Olivia had more free time. Alex spent time in the city most weeks now. They gained a routine they'd never had except when working together.
One night, they were alone in Olivia's apartment. Noah had recently moved out. This time, Olivia was the one who leaned in, and Alex never turned away.