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I miss them, miss the way they smile, the way they laugh. They mean so much to me, yet I can't even converse with them anymore.
I wish I could see them, feel them. I know I'm selfish, but is being selfish so bad? I know I don't deserve it, but I need them. Need them so much. My chest clenches when I think about them.
Maybe this is my punishment. The way the earth is telling me I should give up. That I don't matter.
I want to disappear, yet I can't. I want to end it all so badly. But I can't, I'd be selfish and they'd cry again. I don't want them crying because of my selfishness. They already have it bad. I cause their suffering.
How could I be so selfish as to try to end it all, even when I knew how they would react. I'm so full of myself.
I'm a useless being, that will never amount to anything. I won't ever accomplish anything. They'd be better off without me.
How did I get a partner as amazing as them? They're so understanding and kind. Even when they make me cry, they apologize.
They feel the need to apologize for everything, when it's my fault. Why can't they understand that they aren't to blame? Why can't they see it's my fault?
I love them so much, and yet I can't even call them. My phone has broken, which must be another sign from a entity above myself, telling me I should never have tainted them.
They're so cute, and so pretty. I love their freckles, colored hair, alt clothes, everything about them. They're just perfect. They deserve all the love I can't give.
And yet, I cling to them like a leech. A repulsive creature who acts on selfish actions disguised as survival. The so called "love' I give, isn't enough. They deserve someone who isn't so lazy, someone who can properly support them. Someone who doesn't have the same problems, and can lead them out of the darkness.
I could never. I cause them pain all the time. They committed terrible actions onto themself, because of me. If we never met, they wouldn't feel so miserable, they wouldn't have to worry about me.
Or better yet, if I never was born. I only cause pain to those around me. My partner must be repulsed by me. I'm disgusting. I can hardly get out of bed, take care of my daily necessities, or even look presentable. I can't speak to people, I feel like an outcast, and I just don't fit in.
They are above perfect. They look beautiful, they are popular and easy to like. They accepted me the moment I met them. They didn't mock me. They shouldn't be this nice to a pest like me. They're kind and sweet enough to even look in my way, much less date me.
I miss them, miss their hugs, their smiles, everything. I'm so sorry, I know you're probably scared. If you see this, just know I'm fine. I love you, and have a wonderful Valentines Day, my dearest.