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Dear Will,
It’s been almost seven years since I last saw you. Last time I did was our party’s first and pretty much only actual reunion back in Hawkins. You were only back home for a few days before you had to go back to New York for finals. I think about those few days a lot. You were so happy. You were beaming about city-life, about how vibrant everything was, about all of the art you had seen, all of the art it inspired you to create, and all the wonderful and interesting people from all over that you’d met. But of course you always know when something’s wrong and what to say, you saw my face and added that it was nice to be home too. But I know you, you were probably happier than you’ve ever been. Hundreds of miles away, away from me. That truth hit me like a train. So I got distant. I’m sorry. I ignored you and I sulked a lot. Basically I acted like a complete asshole idiot. And now you never call and I never get to see you. If I had known that that would be the last time I’d truly see you, I swear I would’ve done it all so differently. That seems to be the anthem of my life these days. That I’d do everything so much differently if I could go back, if I had known how things would have turned out. If I could go back and slap some sense into the younger me, or at least tell myself to open my damn eyes. You have no idea how badly I wish I could do that, Will. Then maybe I wouldn’t be writing this letter at all. Maybe you’d even be here with me, so I could tell you all the things I wish I could. I’m slowly forgetting your face. I realized it the other day and it made me feel more scared than I’ve probably felt since we were seventeen. I was in the car and “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure started playing on the radio. It made me think of you. And then when I pictured your face, I realized I struggled to see it as clearly as I could. I immediately turned the car around and drove home. I looked for any photos of us, anything with your face. I even called my Mom and asked her to pull out some photos of us for me to take when I visit. I have the one of us from Halloween though, remember when we dressed up as Ghostbusters? I know that day wasn’t perfect, but it is one of my favorite memories. Especially when we went home and talked in my basement. Anyway, I realized that the only photos I have of you are from when we were kids. And the only concrete memories of your face I have are from when we were in kindergarten up to the summer after graduation. I’ve racked my brain for every image I can pull from those few days I saw you last. I’m ashamed to say they are blurry. What freaked me out even more is thinking about how much I’m sure you’ve changed in these past seven years. I know I have. I barely even recognize myself in the mirror, and this face I’m stuck to never forget. I feel so ashamed, Will. How can I possibly be forgetting the face of my own best friend? I don’t even know if you’d like me calling you that anymore… I’m scared you don’t. And it’s all my fault. As usual. Sometimes I go out and hope I’ll just run into you somewhere. It’s the only way I can hope to see you. Even if you don’t see me, I just want to see your face again. I know it would be easier to call or even to send this letter or really any of the hundreds of letters I’ve written that sit on my desk unsent. But I can’t handle the thought of hearing your voice when it tells me that you don’t want to see me. I don’t want to hear how happy you are, even though all I want is for you to be happy. I just can’t hear you being happy and how you’ve moved on without me. I know that sounds so selfish and fucked up. I’m sorry, again. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being sorry. I’ll probably spend more time being sorry and missing you than actually being part of your life. Sorry, that’s a lot. I don’t know why I still bother writing these. It’s not like they ever leave me and make it to you. Kind of ironic and stupidly poetic that way I guess. You’ll never see this letter and I’ll probably never see you. I dread the day I forget your face. I wonder if you’ve already forgotten mine. Even if I never know what your face looks like now or how your life is, I will never forget you, or the way you make me feel Will, the way you’ve always made me feel.
Love,
Mike