Chapter Text
Another restless night. But of course that was to be expected from being consumed by his own thoughts.
Ivan had thought relentlessly about one person: Till. And of course, the changes his life would have if he and Till were more than..
Well, whatever they were..
Friends? Acquaintances? Enemies?
But there was one thing Ivan did know: he was hopelessly, undeniably in love with Till.
Till often lingered within his thoughts, which led to sleepless nights and sometimes even daydreaming. Ivan was completely infatuated with him. Tonight was no different.
Drowned in his thoughts, drowned in that internal hope he had that maybe, maybe just one day Till would finally notice him.
Notice how deeply in love he was.
But he knew clinging onto that hope was futile, completely stupid.
Though, it’s not like he could just abruptly stop feeling for him. It was too unlike him, too abnormal for someone like himself.
Maybe, his feelings were simply too complex for someone, even himself, to understand.
But the one thing he could do with them was to cling onto those feelings of love. Those feelings of yearning.
Pitifully optimistic yearning.
Even if he knew that it was irrational. Even if he knew that, in the end, there would be no difference. Even if he knew that he’d continue drowning. He quite simply had an expertise in feeling that way.
Despite this continuation of drowning, he still loved Till anyway. He loved him even despite the damage it brought to his heart. Even despite having waited years for nothing to change.
He still loved him, almost like a dog. He cherished him, so very dearly.
He couldn’t stop cherishing him.
Not once, not in a million years, would he ever stop cherishing him.
Not if loving him hurt, nor if he would continue to drown in his feelings. Not if he never acknowledged him. Not if Till kept blindly crushing on Mizi. It was quite idiotic, really.
But Ivan still adored him, even though he was somewhat ignorant.
Maybe, they were both childish. Perhaps, they were both ignorant.
Ivan being childish for still loving someone who so clearly doesn’t love him back.
Till being childish for loving someone who was so clearly a lesbian.
Perhaps they were similar, in a way. A feeling of pure uncertainty washed over him at the thought. It wasn’t far from the truth.
Perhaps, they were, in fact, similar in that sense. Otherwise, they were nothing alike, quite simply opposites.
But that’s a part of what Ivan liked so much about Till, seeing how different he was from himself. It was intriguing.
But it was endearing, in its own way.
Maybe that was stupid, but Ivan couldn’t bring himself to care at that moment.
Maybe he’d continue to believe “stupid” things.
It’s not like it was unlikely.
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
Before Ivan had even realized the time, the sun had already risen. To his dismay, it was a Monday. Of course it was a Monday, of all days, he got not even a minute of sleep.
But he couldn’t just.. ditch. He was quite important to at least a few people there. Though, mostly his team.
Reluctantly, Ivan sat up and read the clock on his nightstand.
5:43AM
It was earlier than he’d assumed it was.
“Whatever,” he thought.
He got up anyway, even if it was twenty minutes too early.
Even if he was exhausted.
He first got dressed, then brushed his teeth, then— well, the rest is a typical routine for a high schooler.
The clock now read, 6:05AM
Had he really taken that much time to get ready?
That didn’t matter, because he was still early. The bus wouldn’t be there for a while. That only gave more room, more time, to drown in his thoughts and feelings.But, wasting time on a manner that was so clearly trivial, was nevertheless, foolish. Completely stupid, almost ludicrous in a way.
Though, was Ivan truly the one to blame?
God, how ridiculous. Of course his own thoughts were his fault. He was the only one in control of himself, obviously. He was quite simply a joke, a fool, even to himself.
Such a fool, that he couldn't even comprehend them himself. Not his emotions, not properly, at least. All he was, and all he would ever be, was some sort of mindless, emotionless wind-up doll. Not ever something even relatively close to humanity.
And that's something he adored about Till. The way he always seemed to stay true to his thoughts and feelings was admirable, in a sense, because it was something Ivan could never do.
His thoughts were then cut short by a tired-sounding Sua.
"You're already awake?", Sua inquired.
"I am.", Ivan replied simply, not seeming to elaborate further.
Ivan swore he could've seen a flash of concern cross over Sua's expression, only to be replaced by a furrowed brow, despite how she seemed to just stay quiet.
She probably found it odd as to why he was awake earlier than usual. Sua would typically have to end up waking Ivan herself, after all. Ivan couldn't necessarily blame her for her concern, even if she didn't fully display it to him. Ivan knew her motives all too well when it came to her; they were siblings, after all.
He was oddly perceptive when it came to the emotions of others, just not his own. It was.. almost comical, he supposed. Not quite laughable, at least not to himself. Others would likely find him weird.
Maybe that's why he was quite grateful for being the popular jock that pretty much everyone liked. It allowed him to make many acquaintances and have an overall good reputation. People that'd fall in love with him, people that truly enjoyed talking to him, even if it were brief. It was quite nice. A break from such a suffocating home life, with a lack of most freedoms. A lack of most choices, a lack of almost everything that could be thought of.
Things like that, were a break from drowning in his father's expectations.
Just not from drowning in his own thoughts, to which even he sometimes found conflicting.