Chapter Text
Till had been wrong to make so many assumptions about his 'secret' admirer. Despite what he had thought to be true, Ivan (who he was 90% sure was the guy leaving a bunch of presents for him) was a very persistent person. That's why Till wasn't surprised in the least when he found his locker slightly ajar after school on February 14th. A red envelope, a few roses, and a seemingly handmade plushie that looked like a character based on Till had not so mysteriously ended up in his locker.
Till sighed as he grabbed the letter to open it.
"Huh. Cute." The letter had been sealed with a heart sticker. Till gently pressed his pointer finger under the flap in the envelope, being careful as to not rip the cute sticker. Just as he was about to slide the paper out of the envelope and begin to read, Ivan sidled up behind him quietly.
"Whatcha doing?" The way Ivan spoke, almost teasing and just a step back from a giggle, gave away that he already knew what Till had in his hands and was excited that he had planned on reading his letter.
Till jumped and spun around when the taller guy spoke, having not heard him approach.
"Don't scare me like that!" Till slumped once he saw that it was just Ivan, supporting his weight on his knees with his arms. Ivan laughed at the reaction, holding his hands up as if in surrender.
"I knew that you were a scaredy cat but that might have been a little bit uncalled for." Ivan teased with a giggle, one hand coming up to cover his mouth as he laughed.
Till just shot a glare him his direction, though a laugh was bubbling up in his chest. He quickly recovered though, and brought the letter up to show Ivan.
"Guess who got a letter from his secret admirer." Till was going to purposefully act like it wasn't obvious that Ivan was the one leaving these things for him.
"Oh? Who do you think it's from?" Alright, so he was testing how close he was to being found out. Till still thought it better to let him think he was being sneaky.
"Not sure. I don't know of anyone who likes me enough for this. And besides, it's a -secret- admirer for a reason." Ivan frowned, his gaze darkening slightly. Had Till said the wrong thing? But, then again, if the admirer really was Ivan, then his mood might have been dampened by the suggestion that nobody liked him enough to do this for him. Maybe it was because Ivan had come to Till's locker to give gifts and had found love letters, sometimes up to three at a time.
Maybe it wasn't the best thing to do, but he had taken the letters and gifts that weren't his and thrown them away. He had done the same thing yesterday in order for his letter and gifts to be the only ones Till saw. Ivan couldn't afford for his Till to become distracted with anyone who wasn't him. He only approved of a few mutual friends, all of them already in committed relationships.
"People like you. Don't worry about that, Till." Ivan's voice seemed kind of off, like he was deep in thought, but Till shook it off and slid the paper out of the envelope to read it.
Till began to read out loud.
'Dearest Till. I walk in the hallways and the only person I see is you. When I see you, I am reminded of a god. In basketball practice, you seem to be shining. Your hair feathers out beautifully, like a painting.
I'm lucky to see your face when you smile. It's almost as if you light up a room. When you come out of the locker room after swim practice with your wet hair pushed back from your face, I could almost swear I was seeing something too good to be real.
I love the way you dress. Other people might find it intimidating, with all the spikes and all black clothes. I think anything that you wear would look good on you, but I especially like this. I wonder what you're hiding under those clothes...'
Till's face had been turning increasingly more red this whole time he had been reading, but this was his last straw. He choked a little, turning away from Ivan to cough. Ivan reached out and laid a hand gently on Till's back, concerned about the coughing.
"Hey, are you alright?" Ivan leaning in closer even though the coughing had stopped and gently spun Till around to check that he was doing okay. His eyes searched Till's face for any sign of distress, but he found none. Begrudgingly, he stepped back a little to give Till his space.
"Yeah, I'm good. I think." Ivan sighed with relief, relaxing a little. Although Ivan was enjoying Till reading his letter, it might be best to read it later.
"Why don't you read it all first and then tell me about it later?" Till nodded his agreement, his furious blush cooling slightly.
"I'll call you later tonight." Ivan shot a thumbs up at Till, grinning widely.
"So, you're gonna walk home now, right? Why don't we walk together for a bit?" Till was a little too distracted with what the letter had said and couldn't find it in himself to say no to such an innocent request. He agreed, smiling almost in the direction of Ivan and gathered his things to go home.
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The two boys made small talk was they walked, occasionally remembering a bit of gossip and laughing over it. Who had slept with who, which students teachers hate, and updates about the trip that their two friends, Mizi and Sua were planning. Till found himself forgetting about the letter little by little, until the red envelope in his school bag was just another piece of paper. He only remembered once he had gotten back to his house and Ivan had begun walking back in the other direction to get back to his own house. Till started to dig through his bag to get to the letter after taking off his shoes, wanting to read the rest despite how flustered he got with Ivan.
"I'm home, mama." Till called out into the house, not sure if his mother was back from work yet. Sure enough, he heard no answer. He finally found the red envelope and closed his bag, grabbing it with one hand and the envelope with the other. Till padded up the stairs in the quiet house, slipping inside his room and closing his door gently. He settled down onto his bed, pulling his weighted blanket over himself. He braced himself to begin reading again.
He gently opened the flap and peeled off the sticker, sticking it onto the corner of his nightstand to use later. Till pulled the letter out of the envelope to beging reading again.
'...I wonder what you're hiding under those clothes. I want to see all of your freckles and scars. I would worship all of them. I love how you stick your tongue out when you're concentrating. I love your glasses and how you push them up with the joint of your pointer finger-'
Till's reading was interrupted once again, this time from his phone ringing in his pocket. He was shook out of his little trance at the loud noise, but he still grabbed it out of his pocket quickly.
A video call from Ivan? Till accepted immediately. And not for any reason that wasn't because he was worried about why Ivan would video call him.
"You said you would call." Ivan's voice came from the other side of the screen, his usual low register. His hair was wet and his face was slightly flushed, maybe he had just taken a hot shower? Till found himself looking at his friend a little to long.
Oh, right. Till was supposed to call. He had forgotten as soon as he remembered about the letter, his curiosity getting the better of him. But it had also only been 5 minutes since Ivan had dropped him off.
"Didn't you just see me? I haven't even read the whole letter yet." Till spoke dryly, but he was secretly a little amused at how soon Ivan caved to call him.
"Maybe I missed you." Alright, now he was just being forward. Was he trying to make it obvious who his secret admirer was?
Wait, if Ivan really was the person who wrote that letter...? This had to be a joke right? Or a prank of some sort? There's no way Ivan would write that about Till seriously. It couldn't be.
'I want to see all of your freckles and scars. I would worship all of them.'
"Till! What's going on? Why'd you go quiet all of the sudden?" Ivan's voice finally reached Till's ears, sounding vaguely panicked because of Till's un-responsiveness.
"Oh, uh... Yeah, sorry I just remembered that I have to help my mom prepare some stuff for dinner. I should go." Till winced at his rushed excuse, but when he glances at Ivan, he seemed to have calmed a little, though he looked disappointed that Till had to go.
"Alright. Can I come over for dinner?" Till was already thinking about the possibilities of the letter again, so he hardly registered the question.
"Yeah, sure. Okay I gotta go, bye." Till spoke as though he were brushing Ivan off. He only saw the beginning of Ivan's grin at being told yes before he hung up the video call.
Till flopped down on his bed, his face burning. Was he seriously this caught up on the fact that his best friend might like him?! He was acting like his crush held hands with him on the playground in 1st grade!!
If Ivan actually wrote that, he's gotta be down BAD. Till remembers in middle school when he would get notes in his locker with the author professing their love, none of them with names. Even though they didn't have names, Till recognized Ivan's handwriting. At that time, he was still learning English and his handwriting has never been very good anyway.
Actually, the language in the letter seemed a little advanced for Ivan. After all, he had to ask Till to tutor him to even pass his English class. Had Ivan been faking in order to spend more time with Till? No, it couldn't be. Why would he go to such lengths to be around Till? And if he wanted Till to know that it's him who's writing it, why would he write any different than he normally would?
Wait, this whole line of thinking is irrational! Seriously, the last time Till had felt like this was when he had a crush on Mizi in middle school before he realized she wasn't into him, or guys at all.
Till stood up from the bed abruptly, grabbing the letter to finish reading it.
'I only wish you would look at me. Your quick glances mean the world but what I want most is to have your full gaze on me. I want that more than I want to be yours. I want to tell you who I am, but I'm afraid to fall short of any expectations you have. I'm sorry for not being able to tell you. It would be better if you figured it out on your own.'
What the fuck? 'All I want is for you to look at me'? Ivan you dirty dog! Also, does he think Till is an idiot? He's screwed himself over so many times if he really wanted to stay mysterious. Till had seen him doing stuff in his locker for years at this point. When confronted, Ivan's excuse every time was that Till had borrowed a pencil and he had forgotten to ask for it back. That was definitely not true, since Ivan didn't even have a pencil case to keep pencils in. He was constantly having to borrow from Till.
A call brought him out of his thoughts about Ivan. He picked up the phone without checking the contact name, but was grateful to hear his mother at the other end of the call.
"Hey Tilly, I'll be a little late today. I left a 20 on the counter because I figured I would be swamped at work, so just order yourself something, alright?"
"Thanks, mama. Get home safe."
"Oh, and is your friend Ivan coming over tonight?"
"It's Friday, right?"
"Mhm."
"Then I think so. He usually comes over on Fridays."
"Okay, just make sure he either stays the night or gets home before it's dark."
"I will. Thanks again mama. Love you, bye."
"Love you, Tilly."
A click on the other side of the call signaled that his mom had hung up. If Ivan was really coming over, then he either had a lot to talk about or a lot to very specifically not talk about. Actually, how was he going to manage to not talk about it when Ivan asked him what was in the letter? Till would just have to do his best to skirt around the topic for as long as possible until he couldn't ignore it any more.