Chapter Text
***
Seonghyeon
Mornings are not usually this warm, but Seonghyeon woke up feeling a bit lighter. He looked around and realized that he isn't home. The interior of the place is far from what his own room looks like; a gray-colored king-sized bed right at the middle, large windows that lets you see the beauty of the city, plain white marble walls with a mix of gray, and oak wood panels. The place isn't his, but he feels safer here. Actually, he doesn't even know what home really means anymore. Just as he was almost drowning in his thoughts, he heard the door of the bedroom creaked open.
And there was his bestfriend, Martin, wearing a cream hoodie with a gray pants, peeking at the door of his own bedroom. "Hey, are you okay? Come out now, breakfast is ready"
'This feels domestic.'
He stood up and walked to the door, Martin didn't even move an inch and waited for him to come out. Seonghyeon notices everything, his small acts of service that makes him feel weird, the way Martin's voice softens whenever he talks to him, every small little thing that feels a lot for him. And now, Martin just stood at the entrance of the bedroom, holding the door for Seonghyeon. He felt weird, very very weird.
"I cooked your favorite breakfast; fried rice, sunny side-up eggs, hotdogs, and nuggets. Take a seat, let's eat" he can feel something that he shouldn't be feeling right now. And on top of it, the situation feels really domestic right now, very much.
"Thanks, Martin. I just wanted to stay for a night, you didn't have to cook for me like this. I can just leave and eat in a convenience store you know"
"And do you really think that I will allow you to do that? You're not a stranger, Hyeon. You are my bestfriend" right, bestfriend. That's who they are in each other's life. He felt his chest tighten a little for no reason.
"Are you sure that you'll go home now? I mean, I am not forcing you to stay here for a while but maybe, just maybe, going back there isn't the best option yet?"
That was true, he's currently at Martin's house all because his mother called Martin to pick him up because his father is going crazy again-beating up his mother like she was a punching bag. Though Seonghyeon is already used with his parents fighting everyday, last night was the worst and he can't help but to worry for his mother.
"Hey, everything's alright? Do your bruises still hurt?"
"Not really, I completely forgot that I had some anyway" he had the courage to stop his father from hitting his mom last night, that's why his father's anger turned on him and punched him right at his face. To be honest, he didn't feel anything. There was no pain, just anger and frustration. Is it a crime to wish for your father to disappear?
"Wait, let me get the first aid kit from the cabinet. I'll treat your wound again." Martin was about to stand up when he grabbed his hand to stop him. "I'm fine, Tin, really. Stop worrying a lot, it's just a small bruise. It's not like I'll die because of it."
Although Seonghyeon assured him that it's completely fine, Martin still couldn't wipe the worry off his face. Seonghyeon felt something in him again, those eyes, it seems to drown him. He has to do something, he can't let himself think about it over and over again. These past few days, he couldn't understand why the thought of Martin being by his side makes his stomach twist in many ways. It's foreign, yet he doesn't want to know more about it.
"Thank you for letting me stay here, even though I would like to stay a little longer-I have to go now." he knew that Martin wants to say something, maybe push him to stay even just for an hour or so, but he didn't let him.
"Excuse me." Seonghyeon stood up, walked to Martin's bedroom to get his things. Staying a little longer here will be the end of him, especially if he feels something he shouldn't feel.
He caught up with Martin in the same position, and he seemed so deep in thought that he didn't notice that he was only a few steps away. "Martin?"
"Oh-sorry, I was-I mean" Seonghyeon laughed at the way he malfunctioned. His face is quite funny and adorable at the same time. He looks like a kid that was caught sneaking in the kitchen to have a chocolate. "What are you laughing at?"
"You looked a bit cute stuttering like that" crap. He slipped.
"Huh?" Martin, who's completely lost after hearing what his bestfriend said, couldn't think of any words to say anymore.
"I said, I have to go now. I have to check on my mom, I'm worried as hell" he couldn't think of a better excuse for saying that. His only goal at the moment is to leave the place immediately before Martin senses something weird in him.
"O...kay. Let me walk you out of the house" panic immediately came in Seonghyeon's mind. At this point, acting normal is something unfamiliar to him now. He feels like exploding in any minute everytime Martin's around, a feeling that he just recently had and realized.
"No, I can... manage. Thank you, Martin. I can go alone, you don't have to walk me out of your house." Seonghyeon just smiled at him and walked away leaving Martin standing there alone. He wanted to look back, he wanted to see Martin's face one more time, but he managed to stop himself from doing that stupid thing. Martin is his best friend, and he should act accordingly.
***
It was just a week ago when the air started to blow differently when he is around Martin. Every little thing gave him the slightest twist, he started to notice Martin's movements, he even had these weird dreams that involves him.
Seonghyeon could not understand why, when, and how, but what he feel for Martin became something more—not just a friend.
He can't just ruin what they have for something unclear. Seonghyeon values his friendship with Martin, so much that he is wiling to sacrifice what he have to keep him. And this feeling that seems to strengthen and might ruin what they currently have? He has to stop it before it gets worse.
Martin is one of the few good things he have, and he doesn't want to lose that.
Falling in love again is scary, and for some reasons, he can't see himself in that situation. Maybe because of what he experienced before. Maybe because someone from the past broke his heart to the point that believing in the same thing felt impossible. His survival instinct is telling him that he should stop himself, that he will get hurt again, that there is a high possibility that Martin might do the same thing. It's not that he doesn't trust him, it's more on he doesn't trust love anymore. And the fact that what he feel is only one-sided makes it even more difficult. Seonghyeon is scared to admit that he fell for his best friend, for Martin, afraid of ruining their friendship. He is afraid that Martin doesn't feel the same way, and that will make things awkward between them. For him, there are some things that are better left unsaid than taking the risk just to fail-and that includes what he feel for his best friend.
He admit, he like him, even love him. But was it enough to fight against the odds? Is it enough to ignore the possibility of rejection that will resut to losing Martin?
Seonghyeon didn't actually go home after leaving Martin's house. He went to the seaside first, so he could think about it-about his growing feelings that he can't ignore anymore.
There's a lot of odds, issues that holds him back from fully admitting what he feel. It's not just because of the fear he feels once Martin discovers his hidden love. It's not just because of the trauma he had from his past relationship. It's not only because he is afraid to try again, to let his heart surrender then shatter just right after.
And also, maybe because he's afraid of the judgement he will hear from the society—especially from his own family. Homophobic, that's a term to describe people who dislike same gender relationships, and his parents are far from accepting people like him. Well, his mom doesn't really disagree about his gender directly but he can feel it in the way she immediately changes the topic and avoids conversations that regards her son's gender. And for Seonghyeon's dad, he is the worse. By the time he learned about Seonghyeon's nature in relationships, he became a mad man; beating and cursing at him for liking a boy. His parents didn't actually totally agreed with his relationship before, never accepted it yet can't do anything to stop their son's heart so they just learned not to interfere. But of course, the endless backhanded insults and accusasions will never be gone.
What are the odds? There's a lot. But regardless of those, the real problem is his feelings being unrequited. Funny how he overthinks about everything, yet he can't even admit his feelings yet. Silly of him to worry about the future, when the present is a mess itself. But deep down, Seonghyeon knew that he is willing to endure everything for Martin. He doesn't lose his hope that maybe, just maybe, Martin likes him too and is willing to face the challenges this chaotic world might throw.
___
Martin
He stared at the empty space his bestfriend, Seonghyeon, occupied just a while ago before leaving him. He felt a bitter wave of sadness, something he hasn't figured out yet. Has it always been like this? He wanted to run after him, tell him to stay a little longer, buy him an ice cream, and even more.
It's weird, it's always been weird. The way his stomach twists whenever his bestfriend is around, it's confusing.
And now, he is left alone in his apartment. Martin looked at the table of his living room with chips and board games he had prepared, hoping to entertain Seonghyeon. He even looked for some movies that they could watch together.
'I guess, everything that I prepared turned into a massive waste.'
Martin felt hollow, like his insides were aching from the way Seonghyeon ignored his proposal. Seonghyeon suddenly acted like he was some sort of a stranger that only offered a roof for him, and he can't think of any reason for him to do that.
'Maybe he's still affected from what happened last night? Yeah, that might be it. Stop overthinking, Martin.'
Looking defeated, Martin was forced to clean the area with a heavy heart. He can still remember going outside at the middle of the night while Seonghyeon is peacefully sleeping just to look for an open store to buy snacks and breakfast meals.
At least Seonghyeon ate the breakfast he prepared, he gaslighted himself.
Somehow, he can't take off in his mind the pain and confusion he saw in Seonghyeon's eyes. But he knew there is something more in there, something he can't describe. He doesn't know if he was hallucinating or what, but he is quite sure that he saw something else from his best friend and he can't just figure out yet—especially if he can't even decipher his own.
He can't help himself to wonder and ask himself, 'Have I fallen so deep already?'
Seonghyeon and him are friends for 3 years already, he met him in the music club during their highschool years. 3 long years, that he can't risk for uncertainty. Afraid, indeed he is, love is a language he hasn't fully learned yet. It was something unfamiliar to him back then, not until he found himself writing songs and poetries, not until he made an entire playlist, not until he learned to cook, all for Seonghyeon. He thought, it seems normal, showing appreciation for your friend is something normal.
His world was somehow plain, dull, routines that were kept constant every single day—not until Seonghyeon came. He was a blessing in disguise, came when Martin thought that having bestfriends are for losers. Well, he swallowed his words and realized that having someone that will be with you through ups and downs is not that bad. He learned a lot in those 3 years of friendship and found the happiest version of himself, and he just can't bear the weight of emptiness once he fully admit how down bad he is for Seonghyeon who is just supposed to be a friend. He won't be able to live a day realizing that he had ruined the bond they established for years, and he will never allow himself to lose the love of his life.
Martin will do whatever it takes to keep him by his side, even if it means locking up the feeling that has been growing inside him. And if ever the day when he can fully admit to himself that he indeed loved Seonghyeon a lot, not just as a friend but something beyond that, will come—he would choose to ruin his own sanity to keep himself from crossing the line. In that way, he won't lose the man he valued the most.