Chapter Text
It started out as a normal night in Avenger Tower. But then Tony got drunk. As did Clint, Natasha, Bruce, Loki, and Thor.
Tony hangs upside down from the couch with a beer bottle in his hand. Then he calls out, "Cap!"
"Yes?" Steve replies. Steve is trying to learn how to play Ratchet and Clank, but he keeps messing up, causing you to sit next to him and correct his movements and missed hits every five minutes.
"You can't get drunk, right?"
"Right."
"With HUMAN beer."
"Is there any other type?"
"Asgardian?"
"Never tried it."
"I wanna see you try it."
"I'm pretty sure Thor doesn't have any of that."
Loki strolls through the room with a beer bottle in hand, slurring, "Stash in his chambers under his bed."
Tony smirks. "Ha."
Steve just keeps trying to defeat the Blarg. "I'm not going to try it, Tony. Aah! What did I just fall in?"
You reply, "Lava. You can bounce off it once, but if you do it twice, you'll die."
"(Y/n), why don't you have a drink?" Tony slurs.
"Stark, just stop."
You didn't notice when Tony left the room, came back, and slipped some Asgardian wine into Steve's drink. As soon as he took a sip, the wine started to work.
--- THREE HOURS OF CRAZINESS LATER ---
"CAW CAW, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Clint yells, running through the room. You sprint around, trying to keep the Avengers from messing up the tower.
Thor keeps summoning and throwing his hammer at Loki, who keeps teleporting out of the way. "HAPPY THORSDAY!" he yells, laughing.
"It's Friday!" you shriek. Clint runs past you, still yelling the same thing.
You're sick of all the Avengers running rampant. You wish Pepper was here. They didn't drink when Pepper was around.
You use an air cushion to stop him. He slams against the air and falls to the floor. When you check him, you realize you may have broken his nose, but comfort yourself by saying that it's probably a strain.
"J.A.R.V.I.S.," you yell out, too lazy to carry Clint somewhere yourself, "Get a suit down here to carry Hawkeye to a bathroom and lock the bathroom, just in case."
"Yes, Ms. (L/n)," the A.I. replies.
"By the way, ignore all of Tony's orders until tomorrow morning, please. He's drunk."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"Thank you."
A red suit comes and slings Clint over its shoulders before stalking off.
Steve marches through the room with his shield, yelling the Star-Spangled Man with a Plan song.
"STEVE!" you bellow. "THAT WAS SEVENTY YEARS AGO! GIVE IT UP!"
You raise a bit of water from the sink to take the shield away from him and smack him really hard. A red mark blooms on his cheek as he collapses. You feel bad, so a little bit of water gathers on his face to heal him.
Natasha comes running through the room, shooting the walls. "I AM BLACK WIDOW, BITCHES!"
"Natasha, shut up!" you shout in reply. You cause another air cushion to stop her, but she darts away from it. You keep raising air cushions, but she keeps dodging them. Finally, you chase after her and push down on the pressure point in her shoulder. "J.A.R.V.I.S., I need two more suits for Mr. Rogers and Ms. Romanoff."
"Three down," you hear Tony giggle from the other side of the room in a suit. "Three more to go."
"Four," you correct. "Four down."
"Oh, yes, I suppose I'm next on your list! Hahaha!"
"You sound like the Mad Hatter." You start walking over to him and raise the mask of his suit. "J.A.R.V.I.S., please have this suit bring Mr. Stark to the bathroom and lock him in there with the others."
Loki teleports behind you, grabs you by the waist, and mutters, "Hello, kitten."
"Let go of me, Joki."
Thor booms, "You heard the maiden; release her, Joki... I mean Loki."
"Never! You have that Jane human. (Y/n) is my human."
"Excuse me?" you ask.
Loki starts teleporting all over the room with you in his arms. Thor keeps trying to come after him to wrench you out of his grip.
"Loki," you gasp. "I swear to God, or Odin, or whatever, that if you don't stop, I will puke all over you."
"Oh, come on, kitten, you know you like it," he murmurs as he keeps teleporting.
You turn around and place your hands on his shoulders and your lips on his lips. He kisses you back, but after a few seconds, the kiss starts to get a little... heated. Literally. You started summoning fire in your hands, hips, and mouth.
"Ow!" He screams, letting go of you and pushing you away. "That burns."
Thor chuckles, saying, "As the Midgardians would say, it looks like she's too hot for you, brother."
"Thanks, Thor, and I'm sorry about this," you say as you summon a water whip.
"Sorry about wha-" He was cut off by the water whip smacking him and knocking him out. Loki laughs, but soon, the water whip smacks him as well.
"J.A.R.V.I.S., another two suits, please." Then you pause. "Where's Bruce, by the way?"
"He's collapsed by in the southwest corner of the room, Miss."
"Ah, thank you, send a suit for him as well. And make sure that the door is locked, and try to keep Tony from exiting the room. Okay?"
"Of course, Miss."
"Thank you. I'm so glad you can't get drunk."
"I'm nothing more than an artificial intelligence. And evidently Tony Stark's closest thing to a friend before he met the Avengers and Pepper."
You giggle, "You got that right!"
--- The Next Morning... ---
"My head," Steve moans. "Stark, I'm gonna kill you."
"Where are we?" Bruce asks. "Uh, where's (Y/n)?"
"(Y/n), (Y/N)?!" Natasha shouts.
You hop up from where you were resting on the floor across from the bathroom, rubbing your eyes sleepily. You ask, "Are you guys sober?"
"Yes," they all murmur.
Tony adds, "And hungover."
"Aww," you say teasingly, "Does someone want a couple icepacks and some shwarma?"
"Yes."
"Well, too bad! All you get is an extra hour in that cramped bathroom. And I made sure J.A.R.V.I.S. won't let you escape through the vents."
They all groan and curse you out.
"Love you too! This is what you get when you all get drunk! And Loki?"
"Yes?" you hear him ask.
"IF YOU EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN, SOBER OR NOT, YOU BETTER BE SAVING MY LIFE OR ELSE I WILL END YOU!"
"Was he really that bad?" Nat asks.
"Pretty much, yeah. You all were. I was afraid Bruce and Tony would start making out."
"Yechhh."
"Anyway, have a good morning! I'm going to go have a margarita. Remember, J.A.R.V.I.S. won't let you out for exactly one hour. Bye!"
Once again, they all groan and curse you out.