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Midorikawa Ryuuji is traumatized, a little bit more traumatized than the others, but he never will say it to Kiyama, right? Ryuuji doesn't care of feeling nauseos every time when they visit Kiyama's adoptive father, Seijiro Kira, he doesn't care if it makes his boyfriend happy.
Even if he feels tired, even if his body wants to express It and feel free. He would never say the truth.
. . .
—"Sometimes I feel guilty for still loving him so much, after everything he's done to us and the rest of the world…"– Kiyama murmured while watching the stars beside Ryuuji. They were both on the orphanage roof looking at the sky for the third time that week. It was a kind of usual date between them ever since they became a couple after the FFI. The redhead realized, after a real distance from his 'best friend' that the affection he felt for him wasn't just brotherly or platonic. So he didn't miss his oportunity and when he came back he confessed his feelings.
—"He's your father after all, as the saying goes «Like father, like son» don't you think?"– was all the green-haired boy replied before pointing at a random constellation and asking. —"And that one, what's it called?"
Ryuuji was very good at changing the subject without Kiyama noticing.
. . .
Too bad for Kiyama Hiroto couldn't read minds. If he could, he would've realized weeks ago that Midorikawa hated, disgusted, and above all feared his father and with good reason. Because that man always knew what they did to him, that man allowed everything that happened to him.
But let's recap. What has Ryuuji lived through that Kiyama hasn't? Why did Ryuuji seem more affected than the rest? Everyone in the orphanage was manipulated and altered by the alius stone, so what's the difference? Or was the greenhaired boy just exaggerating?
Everyone knows the commoners always suffer more than royalty, so why would this time be any different? No matter how insane that man was, the good, high level kids–like Kiyama, who was also the adopted son of the corporation's president– didn't deserve the same treatment as the weaklings who lost, like Ryuuji back then. Yes, Kiyama, Reina, Suzuno, and Nagumo along with their teams had more intense training for having a higher level than the others. But there was something that worked diferent in the former Alius academy, and that was: the 'weaker' the team was, the harsher and more creative the punishment. What can we say, there were adults who didn't know how to deal with children.
However, and arrogant as Ryuuji might have seemed at the beginning, the truth is he always had a big heart, often taking his entire team's punishment because, as captain, he felt responsible and didn't want his teammates suffer. Midorikawa was very strong. I mean, he took punishments like being struck with a stun gun without a word.
The corporation had done things like build a spaceship, temporarily alter body genetics creating overdeveloped children, kidnap the vice president... Things that seem impossible. Imagining a couple of punishments worthy of life imprisonment was far easier than doing all that, even if we don't want to accept it, and the temporary therapy they were given wasn't enough for everyone.
Have you ever been drowned in water because you got injured kicking a 6 kilo ball? Unfortunately that's one of the mildest examples. Not letting him sleep, keeping him on a snowy mountain without proper clothing, locking him in dark basements, physical abuse... The more detailed it is, the less one wants to know, and the less the poor child wanted to live it.
That's why Midorikawa is quite a picky kid, because he hates a lot of things now.
Ryuuji hates thunderstorms.
Ryuuji hates having his hair touched.
Ryuuji hates dark places.
Ryuuji hates being alone with an adult.
Ryuuji hates being yelled at.
Ryuuji hates lighting the stove to cook.
Ryuuji hates pools.
Ryuuji hates drinking milk.
Ryuuji hates snow.
Ryuuji hates the marks on his body.
Ryuuji hates Seijiro Kira.
But he would never ever explain why, no matter how many times his boyfriend insisted. How could he explain the hell his father made him go through? How could he look him at the face knowing his father never had a pure dream and because of him he and his former teammates no longer possessed the purity and innocence of a child?
Never. He prefers throw up in the bathroom of the prison visiting room than tell him the truth. He'd rather always wear two shirts in case the top one lifts. He'd rather not look at himself in the mirror after showering so he doesn't have to face the truth.
. . .
—"I've got a surprise for you, close your eyes"– Kiyama saids excitedly, this time in his room when the night had already reached its deepest point.
—"Ahm… And you can't just turn around yourself and give it to me?" –the green-haired boy joked. He wasn't really lying. He wished he could actually ask that. He hated being given surprises, but Hiroto would never hurt him, right? So he closed his eyes, raising his hands trying to stop them from trembling and ignoring the memories of his hands being struck when he felt a small box placed in them.
And when he opened his eyes he saw a small gift, opening it excitedly. After all, Kiyama never got wrong giving presents, he was the most thoughtful boy he knew. So he opened it and saw a cute frame with a photo of all of them when they were little. The image was perfect.
Well, almost perfect. There's also a saying for this situation: «never say never»
This time Hiroto had made a mistake because yes, the image was adorable, but the horrible and disgusting presence of Seijiro made his stomach churn, his throat close, and his face force a smile from side to side.
—"It's beautiful, I love it, thank you so much"– he said when he realized Hiroto was still here, because for a moment his mind had drifted to the thought that now he'd have to see that man's face every morning until he could get rid of that frame 'accidentally' so he wouldn't hurt his boyfriend's feelings.
—"You did it again"– was all he heard from the redhead, lifting his head in confusion at his sudden expression. —"You think I don't notice, but you always raise your eyebrows when you force a smile. You don't like it, right?"
—"It's not like that..."– How could he not like it? It was the two of them and all their friends when they were adorable kids. If only he could remove Kira's part…
—"It's because of my father, or am I wrong?"– he asked. It was obvious he'd wanted to bring this up again for a long time. —"The face you make every time you see him... You haven't forgiven him, right?"
—"I don't have to"– he muttered so quietly it could barely be heard. —"Kiyama, I've told you already it's nothing, can you please stop bringing this up all the time?"
—"I can't! You've been avoiding this for a whole month, or do you think I don't notice your gagging when we go see my father? You hate him!"– the other insisted. Today he wouldn't leave without answers, of course not. — "Why do you hate him so much? I know he made mistakes, did selfish things, but he's not a monster! Why can't you forgive him?"
—"Is not of your bussines"– the other limited himself to replying, setting the frame far away from him. How dared he say something like that? He was getting tired of this, the same topic again and again, again and again... Didn't Kiyama realize he didn't want to tell him for a reason? That boy only uses his brain when it comes to soccer.
—"Even Reina forgave him, why can't you?!"– the redhead exploded in annoyance. He knew he was being selfish, but he was also doing it for his boyfriend's sake. Ryuuji couldn't spend his whole life hating Seijiro, it would only make him feel more miserable.
—"Why should I? Your father is a monster, are you really asking me to forgive him after everything he did to us.."
—"Midorikawa, you have to get over it."
And whit this words Midorikawa felt something broking inside him, the only thing that was limiting him to explode.
—"How dare you... How dare you to ask me something like that?! How am I supposed to get over it if every time I look in the mirror I remember him?!"– An outburst, another outburst. Since the international Frontier football he hadn't had one. That meant there was something more, something Hiroto didn't know.
—"When you look in the mirror... What do you mean?"– Oh no, Ryuuji had never, ever talked this much.
—"Hiroto, stop, I don't want to talk about this" — and Ryuuji he ended the conversation, leaving the redhead's room to lock himself in his own. In his room no one would torment him with questions, in his room he was safe. In his room his secret would be safe.
He was tired, tiredthat everyone in that orphanage seemed to have gotten over it or left it behind. He hated it. Every time he went down for breakfast, lunch, or dinner and they all joked about 'being aliens' because for them it was just an inside joke to overcome the trauma –but they hadn't been disturbed enough by that stone to have hallucinations. They didn't know what he and his teammates from the former Gemini Storm had gone through. They coulded try and play soccer however they want, they hadn't the rules he had.
They would never understand what it was like to feel terrified of being weak for fear of being mistreated, punished, or even expelled from the orphanage for not being enough. They would never understand what it was like to be unable to light the kitchen fire because flicking the lighter reminded him of when they lit the cigarette and burned his skin. They would never feel what it was like to not want to be adopted because adults scared him.
They would never understand him!
Because Midorikawa hates being hugged around the waist.
Because Midorikawa hates having his legs touched.
Because Midorikawa hates not being clean.
Because Midorikawa hates not being enough.
Because Midorikawa hates crying.
Because Midorikawa hates adults.
Because Midorikawa hates
Because Midorikawa hates
Because Midorikawa hates
Because Midorikawa hates-
—"Midorikawa!" – A shake of his shoulders pulled him from his deepest thoughts, he'd forgotten he hadn't closed his bedroom door. —"Why are you crying? What happened? I'm sorry for pressuring you again with the same topic..."
But the green haired boy wasn't listening. In fact he hadn't even realized he'd been crying. Still, he was already used to being in that state of 'semi-unconsciousness' one of the side effects of constant contact with that radioactive stone. He was used to feeling bad, being wrong, being the worst... Damn it, he couldn't even turn the page like everyone else.
—"Ryuuji, are you here? Answer me please"– he heard a distant voice. It was just his partner, worried as always about him and his life's burden. —"I'll call Hitomiko, wait here."
—"No.." – Ryuuji finally murmured, grabbing the other's shirt, though his gaze never left the floor. —"Don't call her, I don't want to bother anyone, I can do it alone."
—"Bother? Ryuuji please, you're not a bother and you know you can ask for help. Haven't I told you before? Why do you keep thinking the same?"
—"But if I ask for help I'll just prove I'm weak, and if I'm weak they'll get mad at me.."
—"Who will get mad at you?"– Hiroto asked worriedly, sitting beside his partner but not touching him because he knew he didn't like it.
—"I... I don't know."– Of course he knew, the trainers from the former Alius academy. He always dreamed about them, well, more like had nightmares. —"I want to get over the past too, Hiroto. But I can't...I can't forgive him, I don't want even to see his face."
—"Why? I know he did a lot of bad things, but before he went crazy he took care of us, he loved us, he was our father."
—"He was never my father!"– he shot back harshly, as if the idea angered him. —"We were the children, we were the ones manipulated... He went crazy? Nonsense! He was aware of what he was doing, that stupid devil stone just fueled his desires."
—"But Ryuuji-"
—"I don't care that he's your father, Kiyama. He, he.. First he changed your name, he doesn't even love you for who you are but because you're just like his dead son!"– Midorikawa was going too far, and he knew it, but he was tired, tired that everyone tried to excuse a cynic like Kira –"You don't know even half the things that old man did and you still dare defend him with a cheap excuse that he'd been manipulated..."
Kiyama didn:t reply. In fact he knew what the green haired boy said was true, but he wanted him to keep talking. Kiyama wanted to uncover Ryuuji's secret.
—"For 3 years,and it couldn’t be more because two were research, he spent giving orders and overworking us like machines. Even Hitomiko objected! So what excuse does he have... ? He knew, he ordered everything. He allowed them to touch me and didn't do nothing to stop It!"–The words came out on their own, without thinking. In fact Midorikawa didn't even seem aware of what he was saying. But Kiyama was, and he felt his heart stop for a second.
—"He has a black soul. He knew our bodies rejected the stupid radiation from that damned stone! And what did he do? Expose us more and more. Maybe you did become the best team by your own merits and with the help of that strange power, but the others didn't! My team was the weakest so we had to endure the worst of that whole organization..."
Midorikawa sighed. He'd said it. Maybe not everything, but more than he' d ever said before, and that was enough to lighten his shoulders a little. Even though he'd promised himself never speak up, that with time he'd get over it. the truth was that if he didn't let it out he would've ended up crazy.
—"Why didn't you tell me before?"– Oh right, Hiroto was present. Now closer than usual and... was that a glint of anger in his eyes? Kiyama was angry, but truly angry. —"Tell me everything, now."
—"What? No... it was already hard enough to tell you that, I'm not going to-"
—"Tell me"– And how could Ryuuji refuse when Hiroto got like that? How could he deny him if he only wanted to make him happy? It was impossible, and even his own body betrayed him as he told it because he just couldn't anymore.
—"When I was captain of Gemini Storm we trained 6 hours a day, plus two in the afternoon with the meteorite present"— Midorikawa began narrating as if he'd waited his whole life for this moment, staring at the floor. —"Our bodies rejected the energy the stone offered, that's why we never got very far like you, it increased our strength but it got out of control quickly and left gaps in our formation when we played a match. So..."
Not even at a moment like this, when he clearly longed for comfort, did he seek physical contact.
"So they punished us. It was usual, after all they punished everyone, even you who were perfect. But those punishments were hell, it wasn't longer training or bland food... I really envied you a lot, Hiroto. They didn't hit you, they didn't drown you, they didn't touch you-"
—"Ryuuji please don't get lost in your mind again"– he asked for with a calm worthy of a monk, because he would never demand anything with shouts at his partner. —"What do you mean by all that? Can you... can you be more specific, please?"
—"Uh.."— It was a complicated request. Very. But this was his only chance to tell him the truth without hurting him, because he was asking him to do it. —"When we couldn't keep up with training they grabbed us by the neck and shoved our heads into buckets of water, though I managed to convince them to only do it to me because I was the captain. And I really thought I could take everyone's punishment, it was just making longer what I already suffered but..— His voice came out more shaky than he wanted. He'd started crying again without realizing because he was so used to feeling tears on his cheeks. —"But I couldn't. I didn't think it would get worse, I didn't think they'd change the punishments. Before they just drowned us in buckets of water, made us train in the mountain snow without coats... But later, later it wasn't even related to soccer, it was just torture. And your father knew! He allowed the trainers to lock me in the basement, to touch me under my clothes, to pull my hair, to hit me... He knew and did nothing.”
Silence.
Only Midorikawa's babblings of resignation could be heard.
—"I'm sorry"– was what broke that deafening silence. Kiyama, for the first time in a long while, hugged him without warning.
But Ryuuji didn't reject it.
Midorikawa was tired of not being able to overcome the past. He knew Kiyama wouldn't hurt him, that he had always tried to help him even in his worst moments. So he didn't push him away. In fact, he hugged him back. And that was enough.
Because Ryuuji had spoken. Ryuuji had stopped downplaying what tormented him and had decided to express it. Ryuuji had told the truth even when he promised himself he never would. Even though he constantly lied to his psychologist saying he hadn't gone through more. Even though he lied to everyone saying he had no side effects. Even though he trembled while telling the details to Kiyama.
And that night he told everything to Hiroto, everything. Because his body needed to express that pain he had suffered. The punishments, the hits, the touches... All the things he suffered in silence. His secret, the truth he was hidding, now is not a secret anymore.
That's why Midorikawa Ryuuji would never say never again