Chapter Text
Natsuki has always been great at pretending to be herself.
Pretending she isn't tired.
Pretending she doesn't care.
P̶̴̨̛̩̬̭̯̪̤̩̲̙͙̥͖̬̆̋̐͗͗̆̒̈ͫ͂̓ͪ̚͜͠r̶̡̛̛̪͙̯͎͔̬̞̞̗̻̮̬͙̹͌̓̏́̃͑ͫ̓̑̔ͮ͋ͬ̉̅̑ͮ́̔ͥ͂͌́͊͜͢͝͞ḛ̡̻ͥ̓ţ̰͚̜̱ͦ̄̿ͫę̵̧̳̩̯͇̳̙͇̭̱ͭ̀̍̿̆ͪ̓̀̊͐̌͗͘͢ͅͅn̵̡̧̢̯̱͖̟̞̘͍̠̣̺̻̔ͤ̓̃̉̀ͤ͛͂̑ͫ͒̓ͤͩ̏ͯ̆̊͋̈̀͑͌̒͑͟͞͡d͓ḭ̹̤͎ͦͪ͢n̢̜͈͎̮̙͓̦͇̭̞̯̻̻̟͎̫̠͈͐ͭ̍͊ͩ̄̐̉͌̆͒ͣ̒͒̿̓̒̽̊̍̕̕͘̕͠͝͝g̛̺͍̱̰͍͇͙̪̟̳͕ͩ̑́̓ͨ͊ͭ̀̏̑ͧͭ̐̔ͣ̄ͥͪ͗́́̆̕̕͜͟͢ s̡̪ͤ͟h͙͂͗_̡̢̧̛̛̛̰̼͕̻̺͍͇̫̗̘͇̹ͭ̀̃͗͐̀̊ͧͯ́͐̅ͪ͑ͫ͐͑̆́ͬͬͤ̊͘͝è̶̸̴̷͙̪̜̳̪͓̬̞̥̥̱͖̺̟͈̯͖̅ͫ̍ͩ̔̈́ͮ̓͂ͧͥ̉ͨͨ̉ͦ̕͘͟͠͠͝ i̠͒_̵̴̡̛̭̯̯̘̭̩̰̼̆͌ͮ́̾̉̅ͧ̎ͦ̕͢͞͞s̨̛̭̲͓͖̣ͣ̿̽̀ͯ̂̄̇ͣ̄͑ͩ̔̕̚͠n̶̸̢̢͔̳͎̻̫̺̩̟̜͕͔̪̦͐ͪ̋ͦ́͒͑͂̍̀ͥ̊̽ͦ̃͐͛́͘͜͢͡ͅ't͇͛̇͠_͙̑͐̑_̧͈̤͇̱̟̙͎̱͎̥ͤ̐͊ͨ͂͒̒̑́̓̆̒ͥ̚͝ s̷̻̮͉ͯ̇̈́̑͂͢͜c̡̡̲͕̫̜͎̗͎͓͍̪͊̄ͭ̋̍̊͌ͤ̽ͤ̀͗͘̚͡ḁ̴̡̧̲͈̪̫͖̹̫̮͎͕̃͒̀̅͗͌̏̓́͑̇̈́̒̈́̒̏͆̾͘͜r͈͆̓͂̃ͪͬ͐e͈ͬ̐ͯ͌d̵̶̶̨͚̮ͤ͛̍̑̎ͬͯ̓̓̚_̳̬̂ͩ̇̏ͧͣ̆͟
She tells herself how it's a skill; a talent, even. Her friends are good at poetry. Monika specifically is good at playing the piano. Natsuki...is just Natsuki. She can only perform like a jester in an unwavering crowd.
It isn't hard. Not really, at least.
All she needs to do is cross her arms whenever someone tries to get close, roll her eyes when someone compliments her, and snap before anyone can ask her if something is wrong. It keeps her life simple. She feels safe when there's no obstacles in her life other than her sorry excuse of a father. Natsuki slides on her uniform and packs her bag, along with the homework that she promised she'd do.
Because if Natsuki's loud enough--stubborn enough-- no one would even try to look past the surface of her personality. No one will ever notice the way her chest tightens when too many people talk to her at once. No one will ever notice the way she pauses before she answers a question that should be easy to say. No one will ever notice the way she carefully thinks of her words so she won't say the wrong thing.
And lately, for some reason, the pretending that she's done for her entire life feels heavier. Like the act of scoffing and sarcastic retorts leaves a small crack in her facade that she cannot mend. Maybe it was gradual, maybe it was always there, just waiting for the right time to break her apart. The worst part? No one suspects a thing.
Her classmates still laugh when she snaps at them.
They still smile when she huffs at a comment.
They still call her really cute when she gets flustered.
And most importantly, they think she's strong.
Natsuki hesitantly swallows before leaving the house of her alcoholic dad, sliding on her shoes.
She isn't sure if she COULD be anyone else.
~
"Fuck, I'm thirty minutes earlier than usual," Natsuki mutters in disdain, somewhat relieved that there wasn't anyone around to hear her. It's too early, too different to be just a coincidence, but Natsuki just tells herself that she happened to have extra time, that's all.
The door loudly slides open.
"Oh? Natsuki! You're earlier than usual today!" Monika happily cheers, almost as if it weren't obvious, let alone some sort of accomplishment for arriving at a school like everyone else. Natsuki rolls her eyes before even looking into Monika's beautiful green eyes.
"D-don't make it weird." Shit, did she have to stutter? The words came out automatically. Near-perfect, sharp, quick, yet she had to mess it up herself. Her stomach twists from both the nervousness of maintaining her personality and how she hasn't had a proper meal in days.
Monika is just so perfect. She's well-loved amongst all of her classmates, gorgeous, and most of all, socially honest. All of which Natsuki will never be able to become. For a split-second, she ponders of her deep jealousy, rooted from sadness, but Natsuki quickly swats away the thought.
She takes her seat, slides off her randoseru bag, and pulls out her manga in a manner that suits her guise. Tokyo Mew Mew, a typical shoujo manga you'd expect a simple girl like Natsuki to read. The pages of the book crinkle under her sweaty grip. Smoothing the pages down immediately, Natsuki's jaw tightens.
Careless. She's being t̡̙̤̹̤̻̞̭̩̩̜̮ͤͯͭͮ̈́ͦ͛̈͌͐̈́͑̃ͮ͢͠͝_̭̦̒̓̚͘o̴̶̴̢̜̣̼̦̙͎͇̞̪̱̞͕̱̳̝̰ͦͯ̒́ͥ̋̇̈ͦͫͭ͂ͯ̄̒̈ͯ̌ͭ͘̕͝ȍ̸̩̝̘́ͧ̕ c͔̥͚̪̖͋̇ͫͥ̓͒̏͊́̍̎̚̚͡à̳ṛ̴̷̷̶̡̨̱̘̟͎̥͉̹̳̟̱̽ͩͬ͒̍̀̐ͬ̐͜͠͝ě̸̶̵̸̶͕͈͍̲̦͎͍̖͕̹̞̒͗ͥ̂ͭͨ͐ͥ̿̃̕͟͝ͅͅl̳̹̾͜e̪̺͔̱̓̾͆ͯ̏̇̅̿̆̚͠_̸̡̡̫͚̤̭̦͆̀̒̏̒ͯ̔̑̆̈́͟͠s̟͉̎ͮͫ̍͂͊̀_s͈̰̺̲̲ͨ͊͠_̺͙͇̘̗̪̌̀̑̄͜.̸̸̨̛̱̞͙̩̤̀̉̽͌̿͒̀̑̈́̌ͬ͌͜͞͠
Slowly but surely, a pool of voices fills the classroom. The scurry of pencils. Footsteps. Chairs scraping against the wooden floor. Voices filling the room like an echoed, indoor pool.
It's too loud. IT'S TOO LOUD.
"Uhh..hey, Natsuki, are you feeling alright?" a random classmate asks, definitely too casual to mean any harm. Natsuki immediately snaps out of her overwhelmed daze, her heart stuttering in slight panic and confusion.
"What? Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be okay??" She slightly voice cracked, her tone spiking higher and angrier than anticipated.
The classmate pauses. For a second too long.
"I just thought you seemed tired, sheesh. No need to get so worked up, Natsuki." Tired. The word, though harmless, lodges somewhere uncomfortable within her heart. In order to dissolve the lingering tension, Natsuki huffs.
"Wow, I didn't know you magically turned into a psychology major overnight." They both laugh it off, getting rid of the former concern and replacing it with a funny moment. Classic move.
Yet something in her heart lingers. Because for a millisecond, those pair of eyes staring down at her didn't look amused. They looked concerned. Concern means that they notice something is wrong. This is bad.
She presses her nails into her palms until the sting of her hand takes her out of her daze. She can't let anyone notice. Natsuki's thoughts have been slipping, the way she's been rereading every line three times in Tokyo Mew Mew and is still unable to comprehend what she's seeing. The way her chest feels so unbelievably tight even when "nothing" is going on.
Natsuki cannot let them know just how tired she is. Because if they look too close-if they start peeling back the layers that hides who she truly is-they might find something that she doesn't even dare to name. Across the room, she can hear Sayori and Yuri chatter. Laughter bubbles across the room. Sayori suggests sharing poems again. Natsuki's stomach drops. She completely forgot about the Literature Club being held afterschool today. As the girls continue to talk, Natsuki slowly strides across the room
as the girls' voices get louder.
"Heya, Natsuki!" Sayori chirps. She looks so unbelievably excited, but in her blue eyes, something seems off. Sayori seems so hollow, though Natsuki cannot pinpoint as to how she can prove that. "Are you excited to share poems today?!"
"Try not to hurt your brain reading it." Natsuki grins. They grin. Everything looks normal. Everything IS normal. Except, when Natsuki glances down at her own hands, they're trembling. And for the first time, she doesn't know whether she can stop it or not.
~
Before Natsuki even realized that school was over, she headed over to the Literature Club meeting room, where she greeted her friends: Monika, Yuri, and Sayori. Though she does find faults in all three, Natsuki really does care about them, even if she doesn't show it.
"Okay," Monika claps, "Time to show your poems! I'm excited as much as you all are, and I truly believe that everyone's poetry skills has flourished, especially in comparison to the start of the year!"
Much to her surprise, Yuri comes up to Natsuki first.
"M-may I show you m-my poetry?" Yuri stutters, clearly flustered of the straightforward attempt of a question.
"Yeah, yeah, of course. No one's stopping you anyway!" Natsuki retorts. Fuck, she wasn't supposed to sound this rude. To her shock, Yuri ignores the tone in her voice and politely shows her the poem, almost as if it were glass.
____ TW: SH & SUICIDAL THEMES
Between Us:
the unrequited certainty that lies between us
Blade swished through the air unwarranted between us
i thrash as i wipe Your trace and solemnly embrace
"O Blade! could You please stay unknown of between us?"
my heart aches for Your gaze, though its unknown to You
O, how i wish there was no secrecy between us
fall into slumber as Blade creeps back from the bed
a bittersweet odor has situated between us
You help me produce liquid rubies as the stars shine
my catharsis to stay seemingly sane between us
intimacy of gliding You along my cold skin
the kiss of passion between You and blood between us
for You smelled blood and rose from the ashes like so
with no warning, our secret is revealed between us
i carefully open my eyes to see you once more
Blade, are you happy? blood's no longer between us
You watched me break, You watched me destroy myself and die
yet Blade and blood waltz on the cold floor between us
"O Blade! i beg You to not leave me alone now!"
but i decomposed, our secret remains between us
____
Natsuki's mouth gaped open, genuinely what the ACTUAL fuck? This poem was arguably her best poem ever in history of the club, but Natsuki was concerned about one thing: the heavy yet subtle themes of self-harm and suicidal ideation. Also, why was "Blade" and "You/Your" capitalized? Did Yuri revere her self-harming tools as a deity? Regardless, Natsuki pretended to act oblivious to the meaning of the poem. She knows more than anyone that directly confronting people with stuff like this can really fuck up a person.
"Yuri, this is really goo- I mean- ugh!! I really like this poem of yours..." Natsuki embarrassingly mutters.
Something in Yuri lit up, it almost melted the heart of Natsuki.
"T-thank you so much, Natsuki!... I decided to try a new poetry structure, called ghazal poetry. It has Persian and Arabic origin where you have to repeat a certain phrase at the end of certain stanzas and...." Yuri rambled on and on. As much as Natsuki secretly appreciated Yuri's profound happiness of Natsuki's compliment, Natsuki really doesn't know the "proper" things about poetry. Though, was Yuri really going to steer away from the meaning of her poem? Whatever.
"Hmph! It's nothing, I guess I'll show you my poem," In contrast to Yuri's careful demeanor, Natsuki hastily handed her poem to Yuri. "I also wanted to try something new from my usual writing style... b-but don't pay much attention to it!" Natsuki's face increasingly turns red from embarrassment.
___
body:
i keel over as my stomach does too
puking up the contents of yesterdays sorrow
scoop out all the fat under my skin
will i wake up tomorrow?
separate the stem cord from the brain
destroy the receptors in my head regardless
secrete the blood from my arteries
i want to be painless
i am losing the ability to feel your love
back then i would cry so you could hear
i truly hoped you would cradle me in your arms
only for you to scream at my tears
would you appreciate my life only after im gone?
the ten years of proving that i am something
yet you would swat my self-esteem down
and weep because i thought i was nothing
pick off the cartilage from my joints
twist my ribs apart to make me an angel
suck up the bodily liquids left within me
look at the person you chose to mangle
do you see? CAN you see?
you regret nothing of what you did
i will seek retribution in this life and the next
for i was only just a kid
___
Yuri's eyes widened more and more as she read the poem, her eyes almost looked like it could pop out of her head. Natsuki slightly giggled, then Yuri abruptly grabbed her shoulders and whisper-yelled,
"Natsuki, this is definitely your best poem ever! I didn't think you could even write like this? Wait, wait, I don't mean that your former poetry was bad, but this style really appeals to me! This is so good, is this based off of Monika's writing?...blah blah" And Yuri's rambling went on, again. Where did the shy and nervous Yuri go? Oh well. Natsuki scoffed and crossed her arms. It's not like the poem that Natsuki wrote was anything special, she only wrote it in a hurry in the middle of the night.
Before Yuri could finish her huge rant about Natsuki's poem, Monika started to talk to the entire club again.
"Okay, girls, it is time for us to switch partners!" she yells, with too much enthusiasm. Natsuki audibly sighed. If it were any other club day, she would be more than happy to switch away from Yuri. But today? It felt like the first time she truly made a connection with Yuri. It seems that her body didn't listen to her heart, for Natsuki walked away from Yuri while slightly smiling. Smiling?
In a hurry to pick someone, Natsuki went to Sayori.
"Hi, Sayori... Show me your poem pleas- I mean! It's not like I want to see everyone's poems; I just want to get this assignment over with!" Natsuki nearly yells, but not to the extent of drawing attention from the other girls.
"Yeah!! Here you go," Sayori happily waves the poem in her face then hands it to Natsuki.
____
do i really need to??:
all of my roads lead to the same path
yet i am filthily incapable
to discern the illusion of decisions
and how my inferiority is unescapable
run! run! run! hurry and do something, anything!
as the soles of my feet burn to choose
i hurt myself the more i've yet to decide
but i dont mind stopping altogether in truth
you are the black bench absorbing the sunlight
set fire to the rest of my body in exchange of my feet
you burn through my dermis and tissue
almost like lathering soap on the sleets
a mantra of congratulatory applause echoes in the crowd
i have forgotten my ambition to step forward
all i wanted was to feel wanted
as i fall through the hole i never meant to go toward
pass me the lighter, the blade, just choose!
i have yet to learn that i could get both
or decide that i should get none at all
your plea for my sorrow is my oath
i want pancakes.
____
"I want pancakes?? Seriously, Sayori?" Natsuki jokingly smacks the back of Sayori's head, ignoring the fact that so far, all of the girls have written something remotely 'depressing'.
"Hey, that hurt, you big dummy! I was just hungry~ Now...let me see your poem!" Sayori laughs, but it sounds hollow. Natsuki looks at her concerningly before going back to her confident demeanor.
"Yeah...here you go, I guess."
Similarly to Yuri, Sayori's eyes also widened, except she was somehow more vocal for her appreciation of Natsuki's poem.
"Wow, Natsukiiiiiiiii! This one's a super different poem compared to your other ones! I really like it!" Sayori starts hitting the desk (??) for some reason, and starts pacing back and forth, almost as if there's more energy in her body than she can handle.
After a bit of chatter, Monika claps her hands once more, "Okay, girls?" Weird. That felt nostalgic. "Time for the last poem exchange!" Before Natsuki could finish processing what Monika had said, she appeared in front of her, almost as if she teleported. Natsuki yelped. Fuck, she wasn't supposed to appear weak. Natsuki tried to play it off with some heavy coughing, and it seemed to have worked.
"Hi, Natsuki! Can you show me your poem?" Monika looked at her so sweetly, it made her feel sick. Her kindness could rot the teeth of anyone she talked to.
"Yeah...I guess." Natsuki whispered. She was already so done for the day, she was hungry especially.
D̼̭͚̹̳͍̗͕͓̭ͫ̉ͬ́ͥͦ͐̌ͤ̆̚͜o̴̢̡̧̧̧̱͕̟͕̯̙̞͓̳̻̠͎̝̻͈̝͖̘ͥ̋̓ͨ́̂̔̔̎ͪͮ̎̊̋͢nͯ'͢_ţ̴̷̧̖̭̼̣̑̿ͣ̐̌͘̚͡͠ͅ b̻̼̞̣̍̽ͬͯͬe̳̯͈̿̍̎̍͗̏̚ w̶̧̘͍̝̗͉̗͓̥̳͎̎͐͆ͨ̈̋̋ͨ̍̈̀̀̂͢͝ẹ̵̸̸̷̵͈̜͈̭͔̀̐̊ͨ̐̀̑̋ͪ̿͐́ͧ͌͊̊ͭ̚̕͢͞ȁ̡̭̜͓ͥͯ͘k̵͚̪͙̣͓͐͒̆ͫ̇̉̃̓̊ͪͥ͋̐͘͝.̶̶̛̱͇̳̞̮̰͈̙͚̻̺̙̰́̓̐͊ͮ̀̏͊ͭͨ̈̍̊ͯͧ͌̐ͮ̚̕͟͠͠͠
Natsuki quickly shoved the poem into Monika's hands, and Monika started smiling the more she gazed into her poem.
"Wow, this is really nice! Though I'd like to ask, what's with the change in writing style? I find both really good in their respective versions but I'm just... curious? This is a bit grotesque than I expected is all." Natsuki huffed at Monika's reply. It sounded so painfully backhanded, but she shoved her thoughts in the back of her head.
"I j-just wanted to, okay? It's nothing serious!!" Natsuki crosses her arms in lingering annoyance. "Now, show me yours!"
Monika slowly gives her the poem.
___
qualia:
rain showers of poison and disdain fade
as a gleaming yellow shines upon your land
are you done dreaming?
you’ve seen the flowers blossom under the dew
you’ve seen rainbows after the storm
yet the unshakable feeling of apprehension
lingers in the humidity of the thick air
as you stare out to the glistening sea
you have yet to notice my husk of a body underwater
no one ever bothered to check under the oil-stained sea
i will always continue to drown in your ocean
to face the downpour of rainbows waltzing beneath the ripples
yet you will never realize beyond your apathy
i will continue to rupture my lungs for you
to fill up my heart with saltwater for you
as i carry the forever unfulfilled hope
that you will be my salvation of my suffering
you would let me drown in vain
for your sunlight will never dim after the rain
__
Yep, Natsuki thought, perfectly written as expected. "I suppose this poem is really good, just like all of your other ones..." Natsuki whispered, rolling her eyes. Monika, seeing her embarrassment in admitting her truth, graciously thanked her and walked to the center of the classroom.
"This club meeting is officially over! We had a bit less time than usual due to uhh... some complications of the other club meetings. Anyway, your assignment over the weekend is to make preparations for the club festival! After all, it is only in a month anyway!"
Sayori planned on giving posters to advertise their club to the school, Yuri planned on making decorations and banners, Monika planned on doing overall event coordination, and Natsuki planned on making desserts. Desserts. Really? Of course, Natsuki was the one with the useless job while the other girls were pillars of the Literature club. Why can't she be enough too?
In a hurry, Natsuki rushed home, just to get away of the self-suffocation she brought upon herself inside the clubroom. She made it to the front door and quietly unlocked the door, in hopes that her dad was sleeping.
"NATSUKI??! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TEN MINUTES LATER THAN YOU TOLD ME??!" Oh my god, Natsuki is so fucked.