Chapter Text
Sept 25
From: [email protected]
Have you ever had a moment when you woke up just knowing everything was going to be different from now on? A few times in my life I have. Three days after my mother’s funeral, that was one of them. Maybe it should have happened the day after her death, or the day of the funeral, that would have made more sense, but for me it was three days after. I woke up and I knew something was going to happen, and then I was making breakfast for me and my dad and I realized I’d toasted three bagels instead of two, and it just hit me all at once that I would never toast my mother a bagel ever again, and I had to sit and let the world spin around me for a couple of minutes. That was one of the bad times. There have been good times, too.
Like today. I can’t explain it, but I just know something will happen today that will change the rest of my life. I guess I can’t know for sure it’ll be a good thing, but it will be something. I’ll read something interesting, or I’ll discover a new flavor of cheesecake, or I’ll make a new friend. Whatever it is, I can’t wait to find out.
You know, most of the stuff that shows up in my inbox is absolute rubbish, but these days I can’t wait to wade through it all just on the chance that there will be a message from you, and then I see it: [email protected] . And I smile and my fingers start to twitch because I simply can’t wait to read what you have to say and answer as fast as I can.
Were you really in that chat room by accident? I’m finding it hard to believe.
Sept 26
From: [email protected]
I can’t say I have ever experienced that phenomenon, but that might be because I feel I’ve made the changes in my life, instead of simply having them happen to me. Fate, destiny, the stars, what have you, they don’t seem to affect me in the slightest. If they do, they haven’t made their machinations clear enough for me to give them the credit that is their due. That doesn’t seem to be the case for you, though, does it? These forces seem willing to share themselves with you in a way they won’t with me, and I can’t decide if I envy or admire you for it. It must be something special about you, mustn’t it? Perhaps you’re more to be trusted with premonitions and “vibes” than us lesser mortals who might try to turn those feelings to their own advantage, simply because you acknowledge the feeling and embrace what may come without reservation.
I do hope your premonition comes true in a positive way; meanwhile, I’ve translated that text you sent, and I’m attaching it to this email. It’s a lovely bit of prose, but I’m afraid it’s not quite what you were looking for. I noticed that you did not ask after it, but I know it was on your mind.
It really was more a joke than an accident; a well-intentioned, optimistic joke, but a joke all the same. I can’t say I regret it, as the results have more than made up for any discomfort on my part.
Sept 27
From: [email protected]
Thank you for all your hard work on that translation. You’re right, it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, but it’s still lovely.
You say I appear amenable to the whims of fate, but lately I’ve been wondering if that’s a good thing. I live a very small life, really - happy and sweet and full of love, but small. When I was a girl I always wanted to see the world, to be a hero, to have grand adventures, and until my mother died I was certain that was what would happen. But with her went my means to travel, at least that was what I told myself. I’ve been wondering recently if, really, I just haven’t been brave. My mother used to say, “Do the brave thing and bravery will follow.” I wondered what she meant until I was faced with a huge choice: to do either the brave thing or the safe thing.
I chose the safe thing. I’ve often wondered if that was the right choice, or if there is such a thing as the right choice. Maybe there isn’t, and any choice you make is neutral by nature, and what makes it right or wrong is your response to the consequences.
It’s nearly one and I know I’m babbling, but it’s your fault for being so easy to talk to. And I feel almost certain you’ll understand my nonsense even though it’s barely comprehensible even to me. Is it weird that I feel that way about you - that you understand me even when I don’t?
Sept 28
From: [email protected]
If it is weird, we can be weird together.
I know exactly what it is to make the safe choice instead of the brave one. You say you are happy in your life, that it is full and sweet; I wish I could say the same. My safe choice led to years of loneliness, guilt, turmoil, and recriminations. I’ve regretted that choice every single moment of my life, and I still regret it even though I’ve taken steps to rectify and reconcile. The problem with courage is that it requires a certain confidence in oneself and in one’s abilities to bear ill consequences, and that is an attribute I’ve never possessed.
It has been pointed out to me in the past that I seem to ruin things for myself on purpose to avoid being disappointed. It took years for me to realize that he was right, and while I’d like to say I’ve improved, I haven’t much. Perhaps my affinity for this anonymous, risk-free style of conversation is further proof of this failing of mine; I doubt you’d find me so easy to talk to in person. At best I’ve been called a grump, at worst words not fit for mixed company.
There’s something delightful about the not knowing, isn’t there? We are free to imagine ourselves and each other to be anything at all. Whether or not our true selves resemble our imaginative construction is utterly irrelevant, and I find that truth incredibly freeing.
If you would like to imagine me your dream man in every particular, of course, you have my permission.