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Beloved Voices
Lady JaRuc
Obi wan hugged his Eopie, Akkani, his affection for the beast coming from her carrying him yet again across the scorching sands of Tatooine. As he moved from her pen to his dwelling inside the cavern, he twitched first one leg then the other, mumbling, “I understand why Anakan disliked this place so much. Far too much sand in inappropriate places.”
“Your choice to be here.”
“I know, Cody. But this sand is…” He stopped and growled as he shifted his shirt and brushed sand off the back of his neck. “I lay in this for hours sometimes, and I think I bring much of it home with me.” He ventured into the area where his small heating element lay on a sandy shelf. Never quite the organized person he let others think he was, he rummaged among pots and cans.
“Where is that small pot I use for porg soup?”
“Under the towel on the bottom shelf. The towel, I might remind you, that you tossed there instead of hanging up to dry.”
“Humph,” Obi wan muttered as he retrieved the pot and hung up the now-dry towel.
“I think you lose things just so you can ask me to find them.”
“I would never, Kote!” Obi wan never turned as he spoke in righteous indignation. His use of Commander Cody’s personal Mandalorian name was as natural to the Jedi as it was for the commander to keep track of things like Obi wan’s lightsaber.
“I find the oddest things that you seem to leave lying about. One day I found a very handsome man and decided to keep him,” purred the voice that was distinctly Cody’s though as a clone, a million other men shared a voice close enough to fool many.
“Finders Keepers, Kote, I always say. You found me, and I want you to keep me,” said the Jedi, a catch of longing and loneliness in his words.
“Always,” came a beloved voice, whispering on the wind.
* * * *
“You really should find something else to do, my dear,” came a soft feminine voice behind Obi wan as he shed his less than clean clothes one evening. “You’re beginning to look a touch scruffy. That beard…” She let her words trail off.
“You never really liked my beard, Satine. But others do so I’m keeping it.” Obi wan stretched his body that soaked up far too much heat that day. Bending to the left then back to the right several times, he felt knotted muscles relax. Dipping a small rag into a shallow brown bowl of water, he washed his face and neck then rinsed the rag and finished wiping down his chest and arms. That was as close as he could get to a bath. How he missed the shower in the Temple on Coruscant. Kriff it all, he even missed the tiny shower in his quarters aboard the star cruiser that he managed to share with Cody when they could find spare time.
“Your mind is drifting just like it used to, Obi wan,” Satine Kryze whispered seductively in his ear. “Only back then, I think your thoughts drifted my way.”
“Perhaps, but we were young and on the run. The possibility of dying at any time often makes the present moment sweeter,” he said as he sank into the narrow mattress on his bed. Wind meandering through the cavern chilled his wet skin enough to raise skin bumps momentarily.
“Here you are, alone in the desert, watching over a child. Is that insanity or diplomacy?” She nagged at him with her soft voice, a voice that could coo when wanted and cut when needed.
“Neither, Satine. I’m doing this for a friend who died.” He turned to face the rock wall and shifted until he was comfortable. Ignoring the woman’s discerning ability to ferret out causes, he added, “The child needs protection. If it is necessary to fight, I shall. Until then I’ll simply watch over him.”
“Like you did the little princess? You almost lost your life for her.” The woman persisted in making him think when all he wanted to do was ease into sleep and dream of love…the kind of love he’d found…and lost.
“And I would do it again for Leia and her parents…if necessary. But I doubt that sort of situation will come up again,” he paused what he was saying as if thinking. “She reminds me of you in a way,” he added just to see what the woman would say.
“The little princess? Reminds you of me? In what way?”
Obi wan imagined Duchess Satine standing with her arms crossed, her eyes sharp as glass and her voice low. A dangerous combination that he admired, feared long ago, and longed for…long ago. Since then, well, Obi had found the one person he could love with a whole heart. And lost that very person through no fault of his own, other than being the Jedi that he was.
“To be honest, Satine, you being a duchess and Leia being a princess…you were both raised to rule. In some ways, you act the same. You straighten up and look down your nose when you work to intimidate. Leia is learning that. You are sharp with words when annoyed. Leia…” Obi wan huffed for he remembered the way the little girl acted when angry. “Leia can cut you with a look or a word.”
“Do we have no redeeming qualities?” The voice sounded a bit wistful.
“Certainly, my dear. You are both wise and discerning. You see the people and not just the situation. You both think creatively. And when you give friendship, you give it whole heartedly.”
The presence slowly faded from the Jedi’s perception. Satine, being who she was, tried for the last word though.
“I loved you then. I love you even now.”
The feeling of being loved, cherished, rose up in the Jedi’s heart. Gone. Gone but certainly not forgotten. Obi wan hummed as he whispered, “I know, but I gave my heart to another. I lost him. But I still hold you dear in my heart and thoughts. Good night, Satine.”
* * * *
Another dreary day plodding across the Tatooine desert, an endless landscape of rolling sand dunes. In the distance, low mountains rose high enough to cut the view. Akkani, his Eopie, placed one large hoof in front of another and marched forward, long nose hanging down. She looked much as Obi wan felt. Old and used up.
Drawing nearer to the cut in the mountain that he used to make his way to the cavern where he lived, he saw a shimmer. If he were not a healthy and mentally stable person, he’d have said the shimmer appeared to be human. Finally, he pulled the reins on Akkani’s neck and stopped.
“That’s no shimmer,” he muttered. “Master?” For the figure standing before him, translucent as it appeared, was indeed his Jedi master, Qui-Gon Jinn.
“How can this be?” Frankly Obi wan wondered if the sun and sand had finally driven him mad.
“Death has its advantages,” Qui-Gon said in his calm, steady voice. “I’ve overcome some aspects of death in order to appear to you.” The Jedi Master paused, looking over his dusty and tired former padawan. “You seem troubled.” The master turned and waved Obi wan on. “Come. We have much to talk about.”
As if he were still a padawan, Obi wan followed without question. Further into the canyon they went until at last Qui-Gon took a seat on a flat rock and motioned his fellow Jedi over.
Obi wan sank to the rock, relieved to be sitting on something that didn’t rock like a ship, thankful for the rest and the company of a man he considered not only his teacher and friend…but also…perhaps…the closet thing the younger man ever had as a father.
“If I’d been faster…” Obi wan began only to fall silent, his head down, his hands clasped. “I failed you…failed to save you.”
“Naboo. Yes, that was a moment. But Obi wan, you did what you could. The Force set our steps in motion that day. You have become the man, the master, you are today because of my death. You did not fail. You did everything you could.” Qui-Gon held Obi wan’s gaze steady, his voice as calm as it ever was.
“Did I? If I’d been faster. If I’d have anticipated Maul’s move, you’d still be alive.”
Qui-Gon sighed.
“It should have been you who lived.” Obi wan spoke softly, firmly, head down.
“What?” His words clearly startled his master.
“You should have lived. You should have trained Anakin. I failed to keep him alive. He had someone to love. He has children that he’ll never see. You would have saved him from the darkness that I led him into.”
“Obi wan, no. Did you teach him about the Force? About courage and compassion? Sacrifice? Did you love him as a brother?”
Obi wan sighed as deeply as his master had moments before. “Yes, I did.”
Qui-Gon stood. “Look at me,” he said as he placed worn calloused hands on his student’s shoulders. “I asked you to train him, and you did. You couldn’t have saved him from the choices he made. We make hard decisions, and we have to live with them.”
“Did the Force want the Republic and the Jedi to fall?” Obi wan stood with hands on his hips, a confused expression washing across his face.
“The Force wants balance, and that sometimes means great loss before healing comes.”
Obi wan slumped back down on the rock. His soul was weary. His body lacked the will to move forward. “How can you still have faith?”
“Because I’ve seen what you cannot see. That man still exists buried beneath pain and darkness. You were exactly the master Anakin needed. You could not prevent his fall, but you loved him enough to try and save him. The boy you watch over has the power to reach Anakin in ways we never could. His sister is safe, thanks to you. Anakin’s story is not over, Obi wan, and neither is yours.”
Qui-Gon turned and started to fade, but Obi wan jumped up and shouted, “Wait!”
The master did stop and turned with a smile to face his former student. “I’m proud of you. I always have been.”
“Will I see you again?”
“When you need me the most, but remember, you already carry everything you need. You always have.” And with that, the shadow of Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn faded, leaving Obi wan Kenobi alone in a narrow cut between two mountain peaks. A flat rock the only reminder of what just passed between him and a Force ghost.
Mounting his ride, he sat in thought as the Eopie took him home. What was ahead in the future…in the Force…for him? What would the child Luke become? If he, Obi wan, could never reach the heart of Anakin Skywalker, how could his son? More than ever, Obi wan felt the aloneness that threatened to overwhelm him take hold. How he longed for someone to hold him…love him. Share this endless time with him. Seeing no answers for these unhappy thoughts, he fell into his evening routine. Sad and forgotten.
* * * *
No one spoke to him that evening or the next. Days went by with the same view. The same sand that managed to return home with him each day. He worked in town as a picker, separating junk parts, for minimal wages. Enough to buy supplies. Time had no meaning, for there was no one, but beloved voices, to share the days and nights with.
Nights often turned out to be worse than the days. Obi wan dreamed. Not of Satine, not of the Temple on Coruscant, nor of the battles, the clones, death, and horror. No, he dreamed of Cody, his commander, second in command of the 212th clone troops. Cody, who kept him alive, who picked up after him, bringing his lightsaber to him more than once. Cody…Kote…his beloved.
Did he miss their intimacy? Oh yes, he often sighed. But more than the romance of their situation, he missed the companionship of the person he loved. The man who loved him. While the desert was dry, Obi wan often fell asleep watering his pillow with tears of longing.
He'd fallen into the habit almost from the beginning of hearing those beloved voices, talking to them, though he knew he was really just talking to the wind that eased through his living spaces. A dotty old man, he often called himself. Talking to ghosts. His old master said nothing about that. Qui-Gon certainly knew that loneliness often gave one freedom to create voices to maintain sanity. Satine and Cody would laugh themselves silly if he ever honestly admitted they no longer existed in this world but lived only in his mind.
He knew for a fact that Qui-Gon and Satine were dead. They’d died in his arms. Though he had no proof that Commander Cody was gone, he reasoned that life after the order to eliminate the Jedi probably killed him. Even if Cody joined the Empire, Obi wan couldn’t see him lasting long there. The man knew right from wrong and had no trouble speaking up about it. The Force had probably taken up his cherished Cody like it had others in his life.
* * * *
One particular evening, clouds passed over the area where he lived. That seldom happened as there wasn’t enough water on the planet to create such things. But that night, he sat at the edge of the cavern opening, a soup bowl and spoon in hand, watching the clouds make shadows over the sand. All too soon, the clouds dissolved as night fell, leaving the sky once more crystal clear. Millions of stars shone while the twin suns lay sleeping. The refreshing moments of shadow had faded into night once again. His bed called for he’d worked that day, and the man who owned the shop had an abundance of junk to be sorted. He’d already checked on Akkani, standing with one arm around her neck and scratching her chin where she loved it. With nothing left to do, he straightened and dusted the sand off his bottom.
Feet almost dragging, he turned toward the interior.
“You gonna wash that now or wait until morning when the food is stuck on?”
“Ah, Kote, you know me well,” he huffed without turning. “I suppose I’ll rinse it now. If that’s alright with you.”
“Be my guest. Someone’s gonna have to clean up around here. You have more than you did on the ship, and you don’t keep all these things in good order. What kind of general is that?” The voice teased with reminders that Obi wan’s quarters on the Starship Negotiator was miniscule, and he had few things there to begin with, so keeping a neat quarter was do-able.
Obi wan trudged into the area where he kept the heating element and a bowl of water. Plunging the bowl and spoon into the tepid water, he sighed as he swished each one. “I’m tired tonight, Cody. I can’t see a reason to get up tomorrow, you know?”
“You have plenty of reasons to get up,” came that voice. “Luke will be doing whatever kids do, and you’d not want to miss that.”
“He does the same thing every day. Works with Owen and sulks about flying. He wants to be a pilot. I’m not the person to teach him, but he seems to be doing all right on his own.” Again, a heartfelt sigh escaped the poor man. “That’s almost not enough to get up for,” he admitted.
“Perhaps there’s another reason to rise when the sun comes up. Or perhaps sleep in longer then get up.”
“I wish that were true, but we both know there’s no reason to sleep in. Not like we used to.” Poor Obi wan stood with hands braced on the basin shelf, his eyes closed, his mind remembering. His body remembering. Bodies close. Hearts beating at the same time. Breaths coming hard and fast. The sweet after-glow of loving. He shuddered, wanting that so much at that moment that he could almost feel Cody’s body behind him. Feel the warmth. Hear the breath as it flowed gently past his ear, cooling his hot neck.
“Never alone again, my love,” came that treasured voice. “Feel me. Hear me. Touch me. I’ve looked for you for so very long, my love. I finally found you. Know me for the real man I am…not a ghost. Hello there, my love.”
Obi wan’s breath gasped, hitched several times as his mind left the world of want and focused on the real world, the world that he sensed. Someone stood close enough behind him to radiate heat. Breathing enough to ruffled the long hair on his neck.
“Please don’t tease me,” he begged the Force. “Wanting him when he’s only a voice is bad enough. But this.” One hand shifted enough to pull back to his side. Afraid as he never was when facing the enemy, he moved that hand back, gasping again when another hand…big, warm, calloused…slipped into his. Panting sobs escaped him as he turned slowly to come face to face with Cody. His beloved Kote.
Like liquid, the two merged gently, slowly, both sobbing.
“Never alone again,” Obi wan vowed as he pulled Kote in for a kiss that was as simple and meaningful as it was significant.
“Never alone again,” vowed the man who spent years looking for the one he loved. “Sleeping in tomorrow,” Kote murmured as he lavished Obi wan with all the kisses he’d saved over those long years.
“Yes, please,” Obi wan laughed-cried as his heart healed.