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February 14th, a day for love. A day where you show your appreciation to your partner. For Oscar, this holiday has never been easy.
It's times like this he's glad his job gets in the way. Testing just ended, but his flight isn't until late Saturday, which was perfect for him.
It's not the fact that he was lonely. His beautiful girlfriend, Lily, the girl that has known him since high school, was at their London apartment. She was definitely studying for her classes to get her master's. She was always intelligent like that.
He planned to buy flowers and chocolates for her when he landed, which she would appreciate with a grand smile. That's not the problem. He wished that was the problem, that he had nothing to give to Lily, that he really was lonely.
Oscar has the perfect life with the most perfect girl, why can't he just appreciate that?
It was late, the sun being long gone. He should be sleeping, he knew that, but he physically couldn't. Oscar got too lost, too deep in thought.
His imagination felt real. He wished they were real. Every time he closed his eyes, a flash of blond would go by, blue eyes so softly he could drown, a laugh so deep it could never be mistaken for a woman. Skin rubbed against skin, his fingers tracing muscle only an athlete could have. The near thought of it made his body heat in need.
“Fuck,” he mumbled to himself in his hotel room, alone with only himself.
He pushed to his feet and walked to the small kitchenette, filling up a paper cup and drinking it, as if it could distract him. It never did.
No matter. A movie would certainly help. Oscar sat himself on the floor. The bed reminded him too much. He scrolled past each movie, the next being just as boring. At this point, any noise was better than none, so some random Hallmark movie it is.
That even became uninteresting. Boredom is a weapon in a way, which is how he found himself scrolling on a certain driver's Instagram. Blond and perfect.
Logan. Always Logan.
It's been well over a year and a half now since they last saw each other, a year since they last talked. Oscar always found himself scrolling on Logan's account. He refused to like them, but he knew every post from the moment it's uploaded. The last was one from the Rolex 24.
Oscar's convinced it must be a way of self torture, seeing Logan's life without him. Becoming a Ford factory driver, with a pretty girl. He's living the life. Oscars jealous. Jealous that he's not living it with him.
He kept scrolling for who knows how long, going to the days where Logan was still in Williams, still in F1, still close to Oscar.
Oscar knows Logan's been watching the F1 races, the last few anyways. It made Oscar even angrier that he didn't win the championship. He doesn't like dwelling in that though.
What Oscar did wish though was that he would pay more attention as he accidentally double tapped a picture.
“Oh shit-” Oscar immediately dropped the phone to the floor, “oh shit, oh shit.” He looked back at the phone and saw the picture was dated back to 2022.
He quickly unliked the post, as if that would remove the notification.
Maybe he should text him? Call?
He knew that was a bad idea. He remembered he talked to Liam last year, a friend of Logan's, who told Oscar to give Logan space.
“He's taking a break, with everything. I've never seen him more…. Relaxed,” Liam explained one day after free practice, “don't mess that up because you miss him.” Oscar doesn't even remember how the conversation got there, but that hung onto him for some reason.
Damn you, Liam.
A simple text won't cause any harm. It'll be fine.
“Hi loga-” he deleted the text.
“Sorry for the random like-” he deleted it again.
“Liam said not to text you, but-” and again.
“I think my Instagram glitch-” and again.
He didn't know how long he continued typing and deleting before just texting, “hey.”
Oscar is convinced everything is against him as the phone buzzed as soon as he placed it face down to the floor. He, in fact, didn't think about the time difference and how it's early to mid day in America and Logan would be definitely awake.
He flipped the phone. “Hi.” Logan replied.
His heart raced like it hadn't done in years, like it only did for Logan.
He pushed to his feet, his fingers gripping the phone with a slight shake, “How are you?”
Bubbles popped up before quickly disappearing. It was a beat before the bubble came back, "isn't it the middle of the night in Jeddah?”
Oscar stared at the message for a moment, “can't sleep.”
“Clearly if ur liking a post of mine back in 2022.”
That made Oscar freeze. His face burnt up in embarrassing heat. So, unliking it actually didn't help any, fantastic.
“Yeah,” was his response to that. “Can we call?”
“Oscar…”
“Just for a minute.”
“You know that's a bad idea.”
Oscar didn't want to beg, he was way too sober for that, but he would do anything to hear his voice, at least one last time. “Please?”
Another text wasn't sent. A minute that felt like hours passed. Then another minute. He felt like he was slowly dying from the inside out, embarrassed for even asking, for suggesting. It was dumb, stupid, and plain right ignorant-
His phone rang, echoing throughout the whole room. It scared him shitless, but he picked up the phone in rapid speeds.
“Hello?” Oscar whispered, hoping it's not a prank, hoping Logan isn't just going to immediately hang up.
“Hi, Oscar.” Logan spoke. It was soft and gentle, as if whispering so no one else could hear him. Usually, people complain about the American accent, but for some reason when Logan spoke it sounded like angels to Oscar.
“Hey,” Oscar said with slight more excitement to his voice, instantly feeling himself sinking into the bed with comfort.
Just Logan's breathing was enough. “How are you?” Logan asked as he shuffled on the other side of the phone.
“I'm ok,” Oscar mumbles, “tired, but ok.” His eyes drifted to the window. Nighttime was always beautiful with the stars that danced in the sky. “And you?”
“I'm…” he trailed into thought for a moment, leaving the line quiet, “ok. I'm ok.”
There was a hesitation in the others voice and Oscar didn't know whether to believe him fully, “are you sure?”
“Yes, I'm sure.” Silence spilled between them.
Oscar didn't want it to be quiet, “where are you?”
“At my parents house in Florida, just visiting with my girlfriend.”
Girlfriend. It felt like a stab to the heart and he was currently bleeding out.
“Oh, that's nice,” his voice was tight, “have plans for Valentine's?”
Oscar could hear Logan's breathing, sharp and heavy. “Yeah, me and Riley are going to go out to eat.”
Oscar hummed.
“Why did you call?” Logan suddenly asked.
“I told you, I can't sleep.”
Even though he couldn't see Logan, he knew the other was rolling his eyes, “but that's not the full truth.”
He's right, it wasnt.
“I know you, Oscar. I've known you since we were kids, I can tell when there's something more."
Of course Logan caught on, he always did.
Oscar let out a sigh, debating the words he's about to say before spilling them out and forever embarrassing himself. “I…” his voice cracks, “I miss you. A lot. Too much. I just- miss you.” He felt himself heat up, but he chose to ignore that, “I miss your voice, how comforting it always was. I miss your soft hair, your smile that always made everything better. I miss your touch-”
“Oscar..”
“And…” Oscar sighed, “just you. All of you."
They both fell quiet for what it felt like the 100th time during this call. Oscar hated it. He wished they could just talk, just like before.
Logan didn't speak. He let the silence stretch. Maybe he was secretly trying to torture Oscar.
“We shouldn't be doing this,” Logan mumbled, the sudden noise scaring Oscar, “we both moved on, we have girlfriends.”
Oscar shook his head, even though the other couldn't see, “I haven't moved on…”
“You have to.”
Tears filled Oscar"s vision. He didn't want to move on, to be with someone that wasn't Logan. “This is unfair.”
Logan sighed, “yeah… it isn't.” Shifting came from the other side, maybe a bed of some kind. “It's unfair because… I still love you.”
Oscar didn't realize when his face began to stain with tears.
“But we can't- this can't work.”
“Why?” Oscar asked too desperately, trying to grab at any hope.
“With the job we have, it can't,” there was pain in Logan's voice, something Oscar hated. Logan deserved the world, not to be treated as shit. “And to add to that, with my family… I'm sorry.”
Oscar gave a nod, even if Logan couldn't see it. “I'm sorry,” he felt his chest tighten with every word, “but I will never truly be able to get over you”
“Maybe one day.”
Oscar shook his head, “impossible. I love you too much.”
Silence again. The weight of everything settled between them. Oscar didn't know what this call was going to do. Maybe he thought it would cure everything, but that's a child's dream. If they were back in their prema days, when they were 18 and 19, this call would have been different. He wished they can go back to then.
“I should go,” Logan said too quietly.
Oscar shot up from the bed and nearly fell off, “wait-”
“Happy Valentine's day, try not to be lonely for me.”
“Wait, Logan.” Oscar said. He definitely sounded desperate, but he didn't care.
“Hm?” Logan hummed.
Oscar fully expected him to have hung up. He's glad he didn't though. “Can we stay on the phone? Until I fall asleep?”
Logan let out a long sigh, “ok.”
A relieved breath escaped Oscar.
“What do you want to talk about?”
Oscar shrugged, “I just want to hear you talk about anything and everything.”
So that's what Logan did. He rambles about everything that came to his head, not leaving space for silence.
Logan didn't know when Oscar exactly fell asleep, but the even soft breathing told him that Oscar had dozed off.
“Good night Osc,” Logan mumbled, “I love you… I always will.” he said before hanging up, leaving Oscar to sleep the night away.
Maybe things could have been different. In a different universe they could have been something. Why not in this one? Maybe it was Oscar's luck, it always liked to run low when it's something he desires most.
The championship, and now Logan.