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The crying starts at 4:14 AM. Hokuto knows the exact time because he's already awake when it happens.
He's been scrolling through random social media posts for the last fifteen minutes, doing nothing else. Just waiting for the crying of his son to start. He has learned that this waiting is worse than actual crying sometimes. There have been the little signs the baby has been making for those fifteen minutes - restless squirming, letting out soft whines, thumping feet against the mattress, you name it.
His one arm is draped awkwardly over the side of the crib because the baby seems to sense it going away immediately if he pulls it away. Anyway, it's uncomfortable. His shoulder aches.
The nights have been like this for the past two weeks, actually. People talk about the classic four-month phase. "That's when the babies go through a regression," they say, "They get fussy, their sleep gets weird, and they keep waking you up at night." As if knowing that would make it any easier. The newborn phase was hard, sure, because everything was new back then, but at the same time, everything was much more predictable, and also, the baby just seemed to sleep most of the day. Now this one is truly something else.
The first cry the baby lets out is heartbreaking, like always.
"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay," Hokuto whispers immediately as he leans in. He tries to soothe Haruto by gently stroking his belly.
"I've got you. Everything's alright."
Too bad the baby doesn't agree and decides that everything is anything but alright. The crying only grows louder and more demanding, so Hokuto has no other choice but to sit up with a groan, although his back is protesting, and then gently lifts the baby to his shoulder.
He pats Haruto's bottom, rocks, and walks slow circles around his bedroom, yet he knows ninety-nine percent of the time, Haruto needs a half bottle of milk to drink to calm down. Soon, Hokuto realizes that tonight's not an exception, and he has no other choice but to go to the kitchen.
Microwave seconds seem to take forever as the baby keeps crying in the dark apartment against his shoulder.
When the bottle is finally ready, the baby is actually so upset that he refuses to eat and avoids the bottle nipple with all his might, as if Hokuto is about to poison him with it.
"Here's your milk, it makes you feel better!" Hokuto tries, but Haruto only makes disgusted noises at the bottle.
Suddenly, there's a doorbell ringing.
Hokuto swallows, puts the bottle on the counter, and brings the crying baby back on his shoulder. He shuffles toward the door. His hand trembles when he unlocks the lock with one hand.
The hallway light spills in as he opens the door. A guy who looks like he's about the same age as Hokuto is standing in the corridor.
The guy is thin, and he's wearing black sweatpants and a worn-out dark blue hoodie. His hair is flattened on one side while sticking up a little bit on the other. His eyes are narrow and heavy-lidded, and full of irritation; the kind of look that says he was dragged out of bed against his will.
Hokuto doesn't remember seeing him before, so he's not sure which apartment he's from, but most likely (judging from his attire since he's not wearing any outdoor clothing), he's a neighbor anyway.
"Hello," Hokuto greets him.
The man lets out an angry puff before speaking.
"Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole," he says (already sounding like he might be, though), "but your baby's been screaming for almost an hour."
"I'm sorry," Hokuto says sheepishly while trying to bow. "I'm really trying, it's just rough—"
Haruto lets out an especially loud sob right on cue.
"Yeah," the man mutters and throws a cold glance at the baby on Hokuto's shoulder. "I very much noticed, thank you very much."
Hokuto's ears burn. He bows again in apology while clutching Haruto closer. He changes the position so that the baby's face is now directed towards the neighbor.
"I know it's late," Hokuto says and really tries his best to sound as apologetic as possible. "We'll try our best to keep it down. He's just hungry and over-tired, and it easily gets like this when that combination happens..."
The man's annoyance fades for half a second.
"He?" he repeats, confusedly, and then looks at the baby again, this time straight to face.
At least, Haruto seems to get confused as a weird person is watching him like that, and he actually stops all crying at that very moment.
"Are you alone with him? Where's his mother?" the neighbor asks.
"It's just him and me," Hokuto says as a matter of fact. It feels weird to tell a stranger about his personal matter that directly, but maybe he'd get some profit from this guy if he knew that Haruto's mother isn't there and would never be, and Hokuto was the only parent the baby had.
"Oh. That's very responsible," the neighbour says. He actually doesn't sound angry at all anymore.
"I have four brothers," he adds. Hokuto doesn't understand what that has to do with anything.
"Anyway," the guy continues after a pause. "I live in an apartment right next to you, so it'd be nice if you did your best to drown all that noise a little bit."
"We'll do our best," Hokuto promises him. "We're so sorry for disturbing your sleep."
"Sleep? I wasn't sleeping, but whatever."
Hokuto blinks. Okay?
Then the neighbor turns around to leave.
"I hope you'll get some sleep at some point. Children are a lot of work," he says over his shoulder.
"Yes," Hokuto says. "Thank you."
"No need to mention," the guy says, rolling eyes before walking away.
-----
A week passes. And it feels like a very long one. Hokuto doesn't sleep much during it. He feels like all the long nights are just a mush of one long night, and he's not even sure anymore if he woke up four or eight times during each night. Sometimes the baby's crying is manageable. Sometimes it's worse. A lot worse. At those times, Hokuto keeps thinking about his neighbor next door and wonders if he storms to their door again to complain about the noise.
There has been another rough night until the baby decides at eight o'clock in the morning that it's perfectly okay to wake up for the new day, although Hokuto himself hasn't slept even a wink of an eye. It's also a morning when Hokuto realizes they're running out of almost everything at once, including diapers, wet wipes, and food for himself. They should seriously visit a supermarket as soon as possible.
After feeding Haruto (and finishing the last powder of their baby formula), Hokuto knows they have to go. But as always, getting the baby dressed is such a battle.
"Okay, okay," Hokuto murmurs, trying to guide one tiny arm through a sleeve while the other flails violently in protest. Hokuto keeps on saying encouraging words, but it's more like reassuring himself rather than the baby.
"We can't go outside naked. That's not allowed," he tells Haruto.
Too bad, Haruto still screams like Hokuto has been suggesting something deeply offensive. Finally, putting on the outdoor clothes and especially the hat earns a shriek so loud it makes Hokuto wince.
"We're just going to the store," Hokuto says calmly, although the baby is anything but listening to him. He can feel sweat on his forehead. "We need diapers for you. It is important."
The baby disagrees loudly.
By the time Hokuto has managed to get the baby and himself (mostly) dressed, he's sweating like no tomorrow. He puts Haruto into the stroller while taking a nice, firm kick to the wrist and another to his stomach.
They make it outside the door, but the crying doesn't stop because the baby doesn't know how to fall asleep immediately.
"Oh no," Hokuto mutters. "Please. Please fall asleep quickly."
He crouches beside the stroller, rummaging through the diaper bag with one hand while trying to rock it gently with the other. The baby screams louder, his face turning all red.
"Binky," Hokuto whispers. "Where did I put your binky?"
A door opens down the corridor, and Hokuto looks up.
It's the same neighbor who was by his door last week. He actually looks more sleepy than he did that night. He's wearing black pants instead of sweatpants, a red-stitched jacket thrown on. Hokuto notices earrings on him.
The neighbor stops when he takes in the scene: Hokuto crouching on the ground, the stroller rattling, and the baby crying like the whole hallway is on fire.
"Tough morning?" he asks.
Hokuto sighs with a breath that's half-laugh. Even though the situation is far from amusing.
"We're out of diapers, so we're trying to go to a supermarket to buy some," he says. "Too bad he hates winter clothes, especially putting them on. And I think I've lost his pacifier box somewhere."
The neighbor walks to them, bends down, and picks something from the ground beside the stroller.
"This?" he asks, holding a small plastic box up.
“Oh yes, that's it,” Hokuto says in relief. "It must have dropped, and I didn't notice it."
The moment the pacifier is between the baby’s lips, the crying cuts off. Haruto blinks up at them both, like nothing dramatic ever happened.
Hokuto sighs. "Finally."
The neighbor lets out a short breath that might be a snicker.
"That was intense."
"You should've seen the whole process of putting clothes on him," Hokuto mutters.
He sighs and rocks the stroller once with his foot.
"Kids are annoying," the neighbor says gently. Is that supposed to be an encouraging comment? Hokuto doesn't know. Until the guy continues, "But I'm used to them. My brothers have quite a few. My oldest brother got the first one when I was only a baby myself."
Hokuto glances up at him. "You are used to babies?"
"Yeah," the guy shrugs. "Family gatherings used to be basically daycare with better food. Now it's a bit better but still quite intense."
He straightens and bows to him.
"Tanaka Juri," he introduces himself. "The guy who complained last week."
Hokuto takes it, smiling faintly. "Matsumura Hokuto. The guy you complained to last week."
Juri nods toward the stroller. "And this little guy?"
"Haruto," Hokuto says.
Juri huffs. He looks down at the baby Haruto again.
"Well," he says slowly, "looks like he fell asleep."
Hokuto watches his son suck quietly on the pacifier, being finally calm, and most of all, asleep.
"Thank you," he says. It was the thing he said to him last time by the door, but this time, he's really thankful for Juri finding the pacifier box and helping them. And most of all, actually talking to him like Hokuto would be another normal neighbor. It's been a while since it happened last time.
Juri shrugs. "Guess I was in the wrong place at the right time."
-----
That evening, Haruto falls asleep surprisingly early. He starts dozing off while lying on Hokuto's chest, and Hokuto is sure he will wake up once he moves. But when he eventually lowers the baby onto the crib, Haruto still doesn't wake up but continues sleeping. Miracles do happen sometimes.
Hokuto is in the middle of reheating yesterday's meal when there's a soft thud outside his door. It sounds like something is being placed down.
Hokuto pads to the door carefully and opens it.
A supermarket bag sits in front of his apartment, its handles folded together. There's also a brown paper bag next to it. Also, there's a folded note tucked between the handles of the bag. Hokuto opens it.
Didn't want you to starve.
These were the only diapers in the store. If he grows into them faster than expected, congratulations.
— J
Hokuto stares at the paper for some time and snorts. Then he crouches, lifting both bags inside.
Inside the first bag, there are instant noodles, bananas, juice, onigiris, and a couple of sandwiches. It's all the food that doesn't require much effort or time from him in order to get prepared. Then Hokuto opens the brown bag, and it's a diaper bag. Too bad, the diapers are meant for the size of a toddler.
He lets out a dry huff of laughter.
Later, when Haruto stirs, Hokuto lifts him carefully and warms up the milk again. While waiting in front of the microwave, he glances toward the note on the kitchen table again. For the first time in weeks, the weight in his chest eases just a little, although basically it's the same kind of evening as always.
When Haruto is back in his crib (thankfully quite fast), Hokuto takes a piece of paper and a pencil. He would slip the note under Juri's door in the morning when they're going out with Haruto.
He writes:
Thank you.
The diapers are wrong.
Then, he adds:
But I really appreciate it.
— Hokuto
-----
Hokuto is struggling with the stroller again. One wheel keeps wobbling dangerously, refusing to roll straight, no matter how carefully he pushes it. Of course, Haruto giggles happily like they're in the middle of a funny game that involves a rocking vehicle.
"Okay, no, don't do that," Hokuto mutters to the stroller. "Please. Just survive until we get back upstairs."
The stroller answers him by making a crack. The wheel tilts sideways. Then fully give up. The stroller slants to one side, completely unusable now.
Haruto squeaks in delight.
"This is not a funny game," Hokuto tells him seriously.
"Looks like one," an amused voice says from behind him.
Hokuto looks over his shoulder. Tanaka Juri stands a few steps away, his phone in one hand, while tugging earphones out of his ears and placing them in the AirPods case.
"It broke," Hokuto says helplessly. He motions at the stroller in front of him. "Completely."
Juri crouches to inspect it. He gives the wheel one look and immediately shakes his head.
"Yeah, that thing is so not going anywhere," he says.
Haruto chooses that moment to start crying properly as if he understood Juri's words.
Hokuto panics instantly and strokes Haruto's face. "Oh no, it's okay, it's okay—"
Juri stands up and opens his arms with a sigh. "Give him to me."
Hokuto isn't sure if he heard it just right.
"What?" he asks.
"I'll hold him," Juri says, already reaching out. "You can't fix or carry a broken stroller and calm a crying baby at the same time."
Hokuto ponders it for half a second, but then Haruto lets out a wail that decides for him.
"Okay okay okay, alright," he says quickly.
He lifts Haruto out of the stroller, transferring him into Juri's arms. Juri stiffens a little bit, like someone who has just been handed an explosive.
"He's heavier than he looks," Juri says with a complaining puff.
Haruto stares up at him with wet lashes and a trembling lip, looking extremely cute.
"Hey," Juri says awkwardly and stares down at the baby. "Hello, Haruto. No, don’t do that face. That's manipulation."
Haruto hiccups.
Juri sighs. "Unbelievable."
He changes his position, one arm under Haruto's bottom, the other supporting his back, and eventually everything about it looks surprisingly natural.
Hokuto gathers the diaper bag, grocery tote, and his own backpack in a hurry.
"I'm so sorry," he keeps saying. "You really didn't have to—"
"I know I didn't have to," Juri cuts in. "But you looked like you were about to cry along with this fellow, and I wouldn't want to witness that. I bet it would have been an ugly scene."
"I wasn't about to cry," Hokuto says. He sighs because, well, who is he going to lie to at this point any longer? "Okay, fine. Maybe a little."
"Great. Two of you," Juri snorts.
Haruto sniffs, then quiets, apparently satisfied (or confused) enough now that he's being carried by a new human. Juri smiles at him before turning to Hokuto again.
"Which way?" he asks.
"Just home," Hokuto says. "I'll drag this broken stroller to the elevator."
It's almost a miracle, but they get home quite quickly. Haruto's breathing evens out as Juri keeps carrying him against his chest, and once Hokuto opens the door, he notices that the baby has fallen asleep.
"Wow!" Hokuto can't help but exclaim in awe. "He never does that. He fell asleep in my arms maybe only once or twice maximum when he was a newborn."
Juri looks down at Haruto against his chest.
"Don't say it like I performed a miracle," he says seriously. "I have no idea what I did, and I definitely won't be able to do it again if you ask. Maybe he just got tired of screaming."
Hokuto places all the bags and the broken stroller in the middle of the hallway.
"You can put him down here," he instructs, pointing at the rug in the hallway.
"No way," Juri disagrees. "If I leave him now, he'll wake up. And then he'll scream again, and I'll hear it through the wall. Again."
Hokuto bites his lip to keep from smiling and then, without saying anything, gestures to Juri to come in and sit down on the couch while Haruto is still sleeping against his chest.
Hokuto knows their apartment isn't in its best condition for the visitors, but as Juri said, it's good that Haruto is finally asleep, and it'd be better not to wake him up because he tends to get super grumpy if his nap gets too short. Hokuto can only hope that Juri will ignore all the baby bottles drying on the spread towel by the sink and won't mind that there's a pile of laundry folded but not put away in the drawer next to it.
"What are your plans for the New Year?" Juri asks all of a sudden.
"Oh," Hokuto shrugs. "Nothing much."
"How come? You don't have a family to visit?"
"My family lives in Shizuoka," Hokuto explains, and he can't help but utter a sigh. "My brother's in Singapore with his wife and kids. So my parents decided to travel there this year."
Juri's eyebrows pull together. "They didn't invite you?"
"Oh, it's fine," Hokuto says, although he did feel bad about it at first when hearing about it. It's not like he's been seeing his family that often anyway, but now it was another time that it just didn't work out.
"Traveling with a baby would be way too complicated anyway," he adds.
"That's not what I asked," Juri says flatly.
Hokuto gives a tired smile.
"As I said, it's fine," he reassures. "Haruto and I will just stay home. I can eat something simple and watch some TV broadcast once I get him to bed."
"Sounds depressing," Juri says. "My mom would lose her mind if she heard that. She already cooks enough for a small army every year because she thinks it's the highlight of the entire year."
"You have a big gathering coming up?" Hokuto asks curiously.
Haruto stirs, but Juri soothes him before continuing his explanation.
"All my brothers are coming," he tells Hokuto. "And their families. So, it means lots of adults and kids everywhere."
"That sounds nice," Hokuto comments. He almost feels jealous when hearing about that.
"That sounds loud and sticky," Juri answers with a grimace. "There are no quiet moments. But my mom likes it that way." He pauses, then adds, "You and the kid should come."
"Excuse me?" Hokuto asks in disbelief.
"It's already crowded there. One more baby and a grown crybaby like you won't make a difference. And I bet my mom would feel bad if she knew my poor neighbors were spending their New Year's alone."
"But we can't just—," Hokuto tries, but then the sentence cuts off in the middle because he understands Juri's reasoning. Hokuto himself would probably do the same if their roles were reversed. He looks toward Haruto, who's making some soft noises in his sleep and trying to suck the invisible milk bottle with his lips.
"Just be prepared that he might cry," he warns.
Juri laughs dryly like it's nothing.
"So will my niece's kids. He'll fit just right in then."
-----
The door barely has time to close before there are lots of voices around them, someone calling Juri's name from deeper inside the house while a child darts past their legs, nearly tripping Hokuto as he instinctively tightens his hold on Haruto. It smells like food (just as it always does when someone has been cooking in the house since early morning) and somewhat homey. Like a proper New Year.
"Juri!" a woman's voice calls. Then she appears.
It's easy to recognize Juri's mother because, first of all, she has identical eyes to Juri's, and Hokuto already heard during their car ride about her being a very "don't mess with me" kind of mother. That attitude can be immediately seen in the short, brisk woman in front of them.
Juri's mother takes one look at Haruto and gasps that Hokuto almost worries he's done something wrong. But then Juri's mother clasps her hands in delight as she leans closer, cooing softly and smiling up at Haruto.
"He's adorable," she sighs in awe and takes Haruto's little hands into hers. "Hello there, little one!"
Haruto stares back at her with a serious face. Hokuto feels touched because of such a warm welcome.
"Come in, come in," she says, already ushering him forward. "You must be exhausted. You're Matsumura-san, right? Welcome! Juri, take his coat."
"Hello to you too, mom," Juri mutters, but he does what he's been told anyway.
Hokuto almost laughs because for the first time in a while, someone is telling him what to do instead of the other way around, and it feels so, so strange yet at the same time so comforting.
He's quickly placed beside the heater, a cup of tea pressed into his hands, a blanket tucked over Haruto's legs, before he can even say anything.
He keeps bowing, keeps thanking, and saying sorry. But it doesn't feel uncomfortable at all.
-----
Hokuto barely manages to keep track of bowls appearing and disappearing in front of him while someone keeps insisting he eat more.
Haruto is passed from arm to arm, admired openly, and bounced on someone's knee gently. It's so nice to be helped like that. It feels especially nice because all the people from Juri's family are doing it clearly because they want to do so, not to doubt Hokuto's skills as a father or anything like that.
By the time the plates are finally cleared, Haruto grows heavy against Hokuto's shoulder, his breathing becoming uneven and eyebrows red in that familiar way that tells Hokuto the baby has had too much noise and too many new faces at once. Luckily, Juri's mother notices that as well before Hokuto can say anything.
"Poor baby must be tired," she says, already standing. "Come with me. I've already prepared a room for you two."
Hokuto follows her, aware again how strange it feels to let someone else take the lead when he has been carrying everything alone for so long. Yet, he's way too tired to resist the relief that comes with it.
The room upstairs is calm, the noise from the floor below reduced to a distant murmur, and when Juri's mother takes Haruto from his arms, she does it in such a professional way, rocking him slowly. She probably remembers all that so well, even if her life has moved past that phase a long time ago. But raising five sons must be a skill that doesn't go away that easily.
Haruto fusses once but settles quickly. Juri's mother places him on the futon, where Hokuto will later sleep next to him.
"He's such a good baby," she whispers.
"Yes," Hokuto says quietly, because that has never felt uncertain to him. Haruto is such a good baby, even though he would be demanding at times, and not a single day has Hokuto regretted keeping him.
Juri's mother adjusts the baby blanket on Haruto and then steps back.
"You’re raising him alone," she says. It's not a question. But more like a statement. Juri has probably told all about it already. Hokuto nods.
"That's very hard," she continues, sounding all empathetic. "But you're doing well."
After a moment, she smiles again.
"You know, Juri will not be giving me grandchildren. But I don't mind that. I just want him to be happy," she says.
Hokuto stills and looks at her questioningly.
"He's gay," she adds easily.
There is no stress in her tone, no apology or discomfort. Something inside Hokuto tugs at the simple honesty of it. He would like to be such a good parent to his own son as well in the future, accept him as he is.
"I am too," he says.
It's so sympathetic how Juri's mother's face just brightens immediately.
"Oh, then you understand!"
Hokuto smiles.
"We are happy you joined us," Juri's mother says as they head back downstairs. "New Year's should not be lonely."
-----
After New Year's, Juri starts appearing at their door even more often. It starts with him bringing just food. Claiming that it's something that "his mom made too much again", and "it should be eaten before it goes bad". But Hokuto learns quickly that "too much again" happens quite often.
There are many side dishes wrapped in plastic, simmered vegetables, grilled fish, rice balls, and even sometimes baby food, which is always labeled in tidy handwriting with Haruto's name written beside it.
At first, Hokuto keeps bowing apologetically and deeply every time he sees Juri, thanking him. Until Juri groans and tells him to stop being dramatic.
"It's not even from me," Juri says. "It's my mom. Apparently, she likes you."
Hokuto believes that, but he also notices that the bags always appear on days when he has barely slept, when Haruto has been fussy because of teething, or crying more than normally for unknown reasons. Juri must have heard all that through the wall. In any case, the timing for the new bags feels too precise to be a coincidence.
Sometimes Juri comes there without bringing any food, but simply claims he's there to pick up empty containers. He might sometimes stay over after that, saying that he can keep company with Hokuto, especially if Haruto is taking his nap at that moment. But he also sometimes stays over when the baby is awake and plays with him, saying his mother forced him to entertain Haruto.
At some point, Hokuto learns that Juri is not really doing anything definite in his life right now. Juri says it with a shrug and tone that suggests he has already been judged for it often enough.
"I work part-time at bars," he tells Hokuto. "I'm doing mostly random night shifts. I also help my brother at his motorcycle shop when he needs an extra hand."
It sounds foreign to Hokuto because he's so used to his nine-to-six corporate life, but at the same time, it's fascinating how completely different Juri's life is from anything he knows. And well, from the very beginning, he could tell that Juri wasn't necessarily the type for boring office work.
All in all, Juri is a fascinating person.
-----
Weeks pass. Somehow, Juri starts being part of their small day-to-day routines. The best part is that he doesn't make Hokuto feel like Hokuto has to apologize for the mess in their house or his exhaustion.
One afternoon, Juri comes inside (without knocking) while Hokuto is pacing the apartment with Haruto against his shoulder, trying to keep him calm while fighting the heavy pull of sleep behind his eyes.
Juri takes one look at him and frowns.
"You look awful."
"Thank you," Hokuto says weakly.
"I mean it," Juri says, stepping inside properly and setting a food container on the table. He looks at Hokuto with a worried face. "My mom made stew. She remembers you ate it a lot during New Year's."
Hokuto can't even remember if that is true. He can't remember anything about the New Year's at this point because of his sleep debt. Juri follows him with his eyes as Hokuto sways slightly on his feet.
"When did you last sleep?" Juri asks him, looking worried.
Hokuto can't answer. He can't remember.
"Thought so," Juri mutters. He peers down at Haruto's face. Before Hokuto can protest, Juri picks up Haruto's winter overalls from the chair.
"I'll take him out for a bit," he says easily. "Just around the block."
"What?" Hokuto asks. "No, really, you do not have to do that."
"I know I don't have to," Juri tells him. "But I'm still doing it."
Hokuto hesitates, his inner instinct telling him that he should decline and that he should not burden anyone. He has already managed alone this long and can continue to do so. But he can't help admitting to himself that his head hurts and he feels all dizzy.
"You go to take a nap," Juri orders him. "You look like you might fall over. Besides, Haruto will sleep better later in the evening when he's been out in the fresh air a little bit first."
Hokuto swallows. It actually sounds good.
"Just for a little while," he says quietly.
"Yes yes, now please," Juri says. "I'll go and poison myself with that fresh outdoor air with him."
He takes Haruto and starts putting clothes on him. The baby blinks up at him curiously.
"Don't you dare start crying now," Juri mutters at him. "I'm doing you and your dad a favor."
Haruto grabs his finger and giggles. Juri sighs. Hokuto snickers, being amazed that, for once, Haruto isn't actually crying when Juri puts clothes on him. Maybe Juri is just Haruto's favorite person.
When Juri and Haruto are ready, and the door eventually closes behind them, the apartment is suddenly completely silent. Hokuto stands in the middle of the room for a moment, dumbfounded by the quiet space around him. Then he walks to his bedroom and sinks onto the bed.
The last thing he thinks before sleep takes him is that he trusts Juri, and he does not quite know when that happened, but it feels nice. It feels nice to trust someone.
-----
Hokuto wakes up. For a whole second, he has no idea what day it is or why he has been sleeping, until he remembers Juri promising to take Haruto around the block. Except the walk has clearly lasted a little longer than that, since it has already been almost two hours since they left. Hokuto does not mind, though, because the thought stops him again. He trusts Juri. It is almost strange how easily that trust has come to him.
The thought settles warmly and uncomfortably in his chest at the same time. Gratitude always does that to him, because he usually doesn't quite know how to return it. It's something that he hasn't learned.
Hokuto washes his face, still half-dazed, and sits down on the couch with a book he has been trying to get through for months, but he hasn't had even time to open it. It's a shame because reading is his hobby that is very dear to him. When he gets delved into a good book, he feels he can dive into the world that belongs only to him.
He is midway through the third chapter when the door opens. Hokuto looks up just as Juri steps inside, looking slightly flushed from the cold. Haruto is bundled against his chest and chewing on the edge of Juri's collar. The sight hits Hokuto harder than he expects. Juri looks surprisingly natural when he's carrying his son like that.
"What are you doing?" Juri asks him.
Hokuto lifts the book slightly to show him the cover. "Reading."
"Why?”
"For fun."
Juri looks genuinely offended by the concept.
"I don't understand you," he tells him, shaking his head at the same time. "How is that fun?"
Hokuto smiles. He thinks that maybe he likes this part, the small differences, the way Juri looks at him like he is something mildly unbelievable.
Juri shifts Haruto higher. "Did you sleep?" he asks Hokuto.
"Yes," Hokuto answers, nodding. "Properly."
Juri's expression softens, like he's very happy to hear that. Hokuto notices that and pretends he does not, because he is not sure what to do with the feeling that is in his chest when he realizes that soft expression is extremely adorable.
"Good," Juri says. "You looked like a ghost earlier."
"High praise," Hokuto answers.
Juri smirks at that. "Well, at least you look a lot more handsome when you're not half-dead."
"I—excuse me?"
"Just an observation," Juri says with a chuckle. He starts taking off Haruto's outdoor clothes and then carries him to Hokuto when he's done.
Haruto stretches his arms toward Hokuto immediately with a cute, delighted smile on his face. Hokuto sets the book aside and reaches out, pulling his son against his chest, breathing his baby scent in, and feeling the warmth. Juri watches them with a smile on his own face.
"Hey," Hokuto says to him after a moment. "Do you want to stay for dinner?"
"You sure?" Juri asks.
"Yes," Hokuto nods. "I was going to eat that stew you brought, but it would be nice to have two people to share it with. I mean, Haruto won't eat the same food anyway, and I wouldn't want to waste food by throwing it away..."
Juri watches him for a moment like it'd be some serious proposal, then shrugs.
"Fine," he says.
Then Juri wanders into the kitchen without asking, starts opening cupboards as if he lived there. It makes something twist gently inside Hokuto's stomach because he can almost imagine that scene in their everyday life.
-----
Dinner ends up being very simple, with steamed rice, that stew from Juri's mother, and a slightly mismatched collection of vegetables Juri manages to pull together from the fridge. They eat slowly without any hurry, sitting on the couch by the coffee table rather than the actual dining table. It feels all soft and somehow domestic.
When they're done eating, Juri wordlessly starts wiping down the coffee table and stacking empty bowls and chopsticks. At the same time, Hokuto realizes Haruto is turning restless again.
"It's getting late, you don't have to stay. I can finish the rest of the cleaning," he says to Juri, who's now putting dirty dishes inside the dishwasher. What he really means is maybe "I don't want to burden you even more with this part because it's going to be a lot of crying and unraveling, and you've already helped us so much."
Juri checks the time on his wristwatch and pulls a face.
"Late? Are you kidding me? This is barely afternoon to me. If you want, I can definitely stay for the whole night to take care of the kid. I can at least feed him when he wakes up for those first two times. I'll stay up anyway because I woke up at 3 PM today."
It does sound logical when putting it like that. Though Hokuto can't understand why Juri would do all that of his free will. But then again, Juri has already so many surprising things of his free will, and Hokuto might need to admit to himself that getting one good night's sleep sounds super tempting.
"Well, I'm not sure if you would even take 'no' as an answer anyway," Hokuto says.
"Correct. I wouldn't," Juri hums, shutting the dishwasher. "So, a babysitter for the night - at your service. And don't even try to say 'you don't have' or 'sorry', or I'll change my mind."
"Okay then," Hokuto agrees with a smile.
-----
Hokuto's friend Jesse drops by on a Sunday afternoon, being loud and happy as always.
"Hokutoooo!" he exclaims as he pulls Hokuto into a quick hug. "It's been a while!"
Then Jesse walks through the hallway and goes straight to the living room, crouching down in front of Haruto, who is lying on the play mat surrounded by toys.
"There he is," Jesse says brightly. "My favorite tiny human. Hi Haruto! You've grown up so much!"
Haruto notices the new person and studies Jesse seriously for a moment, then lets out a small, cute giggle.
"Yes!" Jesse laughs triumphantly. "You do remember me!"
Hokuto can't help but chuckle as well. Jesse has always been good with people and good with children. Hokuto has always admired that. And now he's so happy that Jesse has found time to visit them, although part of him aches a little at that small reminder of how different their lives have become and how rarely they see each other these days.
They are in the middle of Jesse telling about his new gym trainer when there is a brief knock on the door, and someone opens it.
Juri comes in, carrying a familiar supermarket bag.
"Heyyyy, I thought that—," he starts happily, but then his look lands on Jesse. "Oh. You have company here."
Jesse stands up and bows to Juri. "Nice to meet you! I'm Jesse, Hokuto's friend. Decided to drop by before my Sunday training. And you are also his friend, I assume?"
"Just a neighbor next door," Juri says. "Tanaka Juri."
"Well then, just-a-neighbor-next-door, please join us!" Jesse invites him.
Juri sends a quick look to Hokuto as if asking for permission, and Hokuto answers with a smile, which seems to make Juri relax, and he shrugs before taking off his jacket and shoes and joining them.
It doesn't come as a surprise that Juri and Jesse actually get along super well. Jesse is so lively and keeps on asking questions while talking about himself in just the right amount that the atmosphere is super easy and relaxed. Juri seems to take on Jesse's sense of humor immediately, and it doesn't take long before he's laughing very loudly at his bad jokes. When seeing that, Hokuto also feels more and more relaxed, and after following the conversation for a good while, he ends up babbling with them.
"Does he keep doing that with you often as well?" Jesse asks Juri with a grin, pointing at Hokuto just as Hokuto finally finishes his long story about the time a passerby noticed someone drop a bag of baby snacks and, seeing Hokuto and Haruto standing there with the stroller, decided to give it to them. It's a story that somehow takes far longer to tell than the actual event ever did.
"Do what?" Hokuto asks confusedly, which makes both Juri and Jesse laugh.
"Turn absolutely nothing into a super long explanation? Absolutely," Juri says, nodding. He lifts his hand, and Jesse slaps it in a high five.
"It wasn't nothing!" Hokuto protests.
"It was cute," Juri says.
Hearing that, Hokuto can feel his heart doing something in his chest again. Juri seems to realize what he said at the same moment, scratching the back of his neck.
"I mean," he adds, "you just really seem to get into things."
After a while, he glances at his phone.
"I should get going," he says. "I'm covering the evening shift at my brother’s motorcycle shop today. I only meant to drop by for a minute anyway."
"Already? We were just about to get started!" Jesse complains.
Juri laughs as he stands up. "Next time!"
He turns to Hokuto. "The curry's on the kitchen counter. Eat it while it’s still warm."
"I will," Hokuto says. "Thank you."
Juri wavers for a moment like he wants to add something else, but then he just waves his hand.
"I'll see you later."
When he's gone, and the door has closed behind him, Jesse turns toward Hokuto. He looks excited.
"Okay, spill the tea! What was that?"
"What was what?" Hokuto asks innocently, although he very well knows what Jesse is referring to.
"Don't even try to pretend! I noticed very well how you two just radiated that full romantic energy!"
"That’s not true," Hokuto tries to deny, but at the same time, he realizes that he's happy to hear that from Jesse. Jesse is good with people and social situations, seeing through them easily, so maybe Hokuto hasn't been imagining something is going on between him and Juri.
"Mm-hmm," Jesse grins. "So tell me. Does that hot neighbor who brings food and takes your baby for walks happen to be single and swinging your way?"
"Mmh," Hokuto says, feeling his cheeks heating a little bit, "at least he's gay."
"AHAHAHA, I knew it!"
Hokuto sighs, watching Haruto kick cheerfully on the mat.
"But I don't think he likes me that way," he says.
"You should tell them about your own feelings," Jesse says gently. "Then he can tell you if he likes you that way, as well."
"It's complicated."
"No, it's very simple, in my opinion."
"Let's not forget that I come with Haruto. That alone makes things more complicated."
"Who wouldn't love that little boy, though?" Jesse asks. Hokuto agrees, of course, but at the same time, he's still as insecure as ever.
-----
"My mom wants us to go out," Juri says as he carries Haruto back from the bathroom. He once again popped by, this time to bring some oden his mother had made. (It's nice that Juri's mother also minded Hokuto's allergy, so she didn't include any shrimp cakes even though Juri himself likes them a lot.)
Juri, as usual, did not just drop the food and leave. He stayed, lounged in the living room, and even offered to change Haruto's diaper, which he has actually done multiple times without complaint.
"Excuse me?" Hokuto says, his ears catching the words but his brain not understanding.
"I mean," Juri swallows, sounding a little bit nervous. "She wants to babysit this little fellow. My nephews and nieces aren't babies any longer, so she misses it. And she thinks that you should go somewhere without a baby for once, and that I'd be a good person to help with that."
When Juri explains it like that, it definitely doesn't sound like a romantic date or anything. Hokuto feels an unexpected flicker of disappointment at that realization, which he immediately scolds himself for. Still, even if it is not a date, he likes being with Juri. That alone feels like something.
"I have not really gone anywhere," Hokuto admits.
"Exactly," Juri says, nodding. "So. Maybe next Saturday?"
Hokuto looks at Haruto, then back at Juri.
"Okay," he says slowly. "Next Saturday. As long as you're sure that your mom is truly fine with that."
"She is. Really. But yeah, cool," Juri says, smiling. "Then it is all settled."
-----
They end up at a small izakaya, which is located between a florist and a closed-down movie rental shop. It's one of those places that has the kind with a noren that smells of fried oil and soy sauce even from outside.
They slide into a narrow booth along the wall. Juri orders for them with the tablet on the table. He adds tap beers first, then some food: edamame, karaage, grilled mackerel, cold tofu, and yakitori.
Hokuto takes a look around the izakaya and feels strangely untethered. Like he has stepped out of his own life for an evening.
"Are you okay?" Juri asks once the drinks arrive.
Hokuto nods automatically, but then stops himself before saying anything. He does not want to lie to Juri.
"I think so. It just feels strange to be somewhere without a baby," he says seriously and takes a sip of his beer.
"First time?"
Hokuto nods. "Since he was born."
"Oh wow," Juri says, not sounding judgmental but more like surprised. "How was that time, by the way, when he was born?"
Hokuto ends up talking about many things about Haruto's first months. He has many stories he hasn't shared with anyone before.
"So, you know, it's that stuff that happens when you're a parent," he concludes the last explanation.
"No."
"No?"
Juri clears his throat. "I do not know about that stuff. I mean, I don't have children."
Hokuto lets out a small breath of a laugh. "Right. Yeah. Obviously."
"But I'd like to."
"To know more?"
"Have children," Juri says, simply.
"Oh."
Juri shrugs. Hokuto doesn't know what else to say because he can see sincerity and thoughtfulness in Juri's beautiful eyes.
-----
After finishing the last bite of the mackerel, they pay (splitting the bill half and half) and step out into the evening air, heading straight to the station and the next train.
When they get off, Juri suggests that they'd walk back instead of taking a bus because his mother is doing just alright with Haruto ("Really, I just texted her and she said it's fine; she totally just wants to spend more time with that little fellow!"), so in the end, Hokuto has nothing against that. Somehow, that night feels calm and open in a way he does not want to rush through. He also reminds himself again that Haruto is safe and that trusting someone does not mean being a careless parent.
They slow down near a small park. The sounds of swings creaking in the wind can be heard. Hokuto nods towards the park, and Juri nods without saying anything more to that.
They sit down on the children's carousel bench next to each other. Hokuto can feel the warmth from Juri's arm against his.
"Can I ask you something?" Hokuto starts quietly.
Juri turns to look at him.
"Sure."
Hokuto swallows. He knows he is not drunk, but the beers in the izakaya have surely loosened something in him.
"Was this a date?" he asks.
Juri lets out an uncertain laugh.
"I don't know. Maybe? I mean, I guess so? Unless you don't want it to be, of course."
"I didn't say anything like that," Hokuto replies quickly. "I just wanted to know. Because if it was a date, I think it was a good one. Very good one."
Juri rubs the back of his neck.
"I guess I should tell you something," he says.
Hokuto nods, giving him space.
"I kind of arranged this," Juri continues. "Or okay, not kind of. I arranged it. My mom helped, but it was my idea from the start. I wanted an excuse to take you out."
Hokuto feels his heartbeat pick up. He thinks about how careful he has taught himself to be through these years. It's been such a long time since he let himself even slightly hope something like this would ever happen. Although the signs between him and Juri have been there, it still surprises him a lot to hear those words coming from Juri.
"I like you," Juri continues with a direct confession. "I really, really like you, Hokuto. Not just as a neighbor."
He waits, then adds, "And I know you come with Haruto. That's not a problem for me, really. I like him too. Quite a lot, actually. Might even love that kid at this point. I'd actually like to be someone you both can rely on, if you'll let me."
Something inside Hokuto gives way. He does not have a clever answer. He only knows how it feels. It feels warm. A little frightening. Yet, most of all, it feels very real.
"So, what do you think?" Juri asks.
"I think," Hokuto says, leaning closer, "that means this really was a date then."
Juri smiles, relief showing on his face just before Hokuto reaches for him and cups his face between his hands.
"Can I?" Hokuto asks carefully.
"Come here," Juri answers. Hokuto doesn't need any other permission from him. He closes the small distance between them and presses his lips to Juri's.
Juri tastes beer and salt, and something faintly sweet, but it's not unpleasant at all.
When they pull apart, it's only because they need air.
"And just to make it clear," Hokuto croons against Juri's lips. "I like you too, Juri. So does Haruto."
Later, when they walk home, Hokuto thinks about his apartment waiting for them and putting Haruto to sleep. Then he thinks about the couch in the living room. And he doesn't only hope but knows that that will be the location where the evening will end. With clothes getting off, for sure.
----
When Hokuto and Juri finally make it official two years later, they do it quietly. They go to the ward office first to register a civil partnership certificate on Tuesday morning. Then they hold a small party later that afternoon, reserving a small Italian restaurant just for their party.
Haruto grips either Juri or Hokuto's hand, staying on their lap during the whole party, taking it all very seriously, and looking very cute in his small tuxedo. Juri's mother can't stop crying, wiping her eyes on a handkerchief, while Hokuto's mother insists on far too many photos of the three of them. Hokuto's father and Juri's father sit together, drinking beer like old friends. All their brothers join with their families. A few close friends are there too - Jesse proudly stands as Hokuto's kind of best man, while Morimoto Shintaro is Juri's. Even Kyomoto Taiga attends with his partner, Kochi Yugo.
Back home, when the party is over, Haruto is asleep in his own room while Hokuto and Juri sit together on the living room couch. Juri's legs are pulled over Hokuto's lap while Hokuto traces slow circles around his ankle with his thumb.
"My brother said something earlier," Hokuto says. "That he's really happy we're finally a family."
"I disagree with that," Juri says seriously.
Hokuto glances at him. "Huh?"
Juri moves a little closer, coming to lie on Hokuto's stomach and fingers curling into his sleeve. "We were already a family. A long time ago. Our son, our love, this everything... It's the proof of that. It was a family way before today. Our family."
Hokuto smiles.
"Yeah, I guess you're right," he whispers, leaning in to press a kiss on Juri's temple, who buries his face against Hokuto's chest, rubbing it against it like a cat.
The thought doesn't leave Hokuto's mind for the rest of the night.
Our family. Way before today.