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Fire raged as the souls of the damned screamed in agony, a symphonic cacophony of tortured cries neverending as the minions of damnation separated flesh from bone in new and horrifying ways every day. Among the tormented wails came the crack of a whip again and again. An older man lashed naked to a St. Andrew's cross, biting the bridle in his mouth so hard his teeth cracked as the whip bit into his skin again. "Please," begged the blue skinned woman chained to the wall watching helplessly, "you don't have to keep doing this!"
"Oh don't worry Councilor, when I'm done with Udina here, you're next!" The torturer rolled his shoulders before taking another swing with a crack. The Turian Councilor cried "Why are you doing this!" The man, face scarred and pupils glowing a menacing red scowled "Why? Because you incompetent fucks KNEW the Reapers were coming! You didn't build more ships or set up defenses, YOU SAT FOR THREE YEARS WITH YOUR THUMBS UP YOUR ASSES!!! How many billions do you think your dumbass decisions cost, hmm? Now shut up and let me..."
Before he could finish, a tiny, frail messenger demon cowering behind a nearby rock interrupted "Sir, Mr. Shepard? The boss would like to see you in his office..." With an annoyed growl he replied "What is it imp, can't you see I'm in the middle of some VERY intense therapy! I was just about to have a breakthrough!" The poor imp stuttered "Y-yes sir, but he said it was ur-urgent. At once he said!" A pregnant pause lingered before the man let out an annoyed groan "Fine, you take over while I'm gone," he said handing the whip to the imp, "but don't start on the frog till I'm back!" The imp took the whip with shaking hands as the man left.
The Devil sat behind his large mahogany desk, downing his dink as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. His headache threatened his sanity and he was at his wits end with his new arrival. One would think the man responsible for saving the entire galaxy would be entitled to the front of the line upstairs, and he probably would be if he wasn't such a colossal asshole. As he poured himself another glass the door to his office was suddenly kicked open, causing him to squeeze the glass in his hand so hard it shattered.
"What's the deal Lucy? I've got a busy schedule. I've got to skullfuck all the Batarians later, you know how long it takes to get all four eyes?" The Devil put on a brave face before turning "Shepard! Yes, yes come in. I have exciting news! It turns out your body is still alive topside, we're sending you back!" Shepard shouted "The fuck you mean sending me back? I've been down here for years!"
A bead of swear began to form on the Devil's forehead "Well you see time moves differently down here so it's only been a few minutes. Your body might be in rough shape but I assure you you're 100% alive and kicking... So to speak." Shepard pointed a finger "That wasn't the deal Lucy! We agreed I get to..." And with a snap of the Devil's fingers Shepard was gone.
With a heavy sigh he slumped down in his chair as the intercom pinged "Is he gone?" "Yes," the Devil replied, "Next time he dies you're getting him!" "Me? I'm not letting him up here!" "Well he's not coming back down here either!" God sighed over the intercom "Me dammit, fine! We'll just make him live forever then." "Agreed," replied the Devil, "I've got go, try and fix everything he screwed up. Love you dad, tell JC I said Happy birthday." God replied "Love you too Lucy, I'll tell him. Talk to you later kiddo" before hanging up.
Meanwhile back on Earth, amongst the broken ruins of the Citadel a mangled body drew in a sharp breath before exclaiming "Bitch!"