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It was quiet in the motel room when i opened the door. His boots were right in the walkway where he’d kicked them off. I had expected to hear the shower running but instead Dean was sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. He was breathing deep, like he was struggling to control it. I walked towards him slowly, toeing my boots off and sitting my stitch kit on the table. I kicked at his feet with mine, separating them so i could step between his legs. His arms instantly circled my lower body, one hand going up my back, the other grabbing my thigh, squeezing me as close to him as he could. He buried his face into my stomach, using his nose to push up my tank top until his cheek was pressed against my skin. He pulled in a deep breath grounding himself as i ran my fingers through his dirty hair. “Sammy’s okay. I got him all cleaned up, he just wanted a minute alone. He’s mad he got hurt.” I assured him. Dean just shook his head against me. His arms tightened, attempting to pull me even closer but it wasn’t possible. I knew the what ifs were going crazy, his own self doubt running rampant in his mind. Anytime something went wrong Dean found a way to blame himself. “He went rogue. You never could’ve anticipated that. He didn’t follow the plan and that’s what happened. You couldn’t have stopped it.” I felt his fingers grip the back of my thighs tightly. He rested his brow on my navel.
“I should’ve known. He was quiet, too quiet. I should’ve known he was thinking about something when he didn’t have anything to say about the hunt. I know him better than anyone.” Dean said in a hushed tone, like he wasn’t even speaking to me, just himself. I shushed him. Lacing my fingers in the hair at the back of his head and pulled until he was looking up at me. I traced him jawline with my other hand and looked deep in his eyes. Moisture welled in them. His emotions were swimming to the surface. All the terrible things that ran through his head that he would never tell me.
“Sam may be your little brother but he is also a grown man. He is responsible for his own decisions. Not you. Him.” I could tell he wasn’t really listening to me when he squeezed his eyes shut. Blocking me out. I doubted i would ever get through to him. I caressed his cheeks, running my finger tips over his lips. “Talk to me.” I whisper. He looked at me for moment before putting his head back down on me. “I didn’t know what happened. I just saw him go down. When i got to him, i didn’t know where the blood was coming from. I thought..” His voice trembled and he cleared his throat loudly. “I thought i lost him again.” My heart ached. Flashes of his frantic voice when you got back to them came to mind. Sam unconscious on the ground, Dean trying his hardest to stop his head from bleeding. The way your heart stopped in that moment. You know that it’s circling in his mind too. He always takes everything the hardest. “I know what it looked like but he just busted his head. You know better than anyone that head wounds bleed the most. He’s going to be fine. Besides it’s gonna take a lot more than a concussion to take Sam out, he’s too stubborn for that.” Dean snorted. I dropped a kiss onto his head. “Stop being so hard on yourself.” I wrapped my arms around him, holding him briefly before starting to step away but Dean protested. I quickly turned around in his arms before he could completely glue me to him.
“I told sam i was coming back to check on him before bed but first i want to shower. Do you want to join me?” I asked. Dean let out a noise against my butt where his head was resting. He loosened his grip but didn’t let go, only raising to his feet when i started to pull on his hands. Dean stayed behind me as i turned the water on. He was avoiding the mirror, not wanting to see Sam’s blood still on him. His eyes followed my movements as i started removing his soiled clothes before gently pushing him under the water spray. I joined him a moment later, pressing my face into his back and wrapping my arms around his torso. Dean curled one his hands around mine clutching it to his chest, over his heart, as he wiped the water off his face with the other. The tension slowly melted from his body with the hot water. After a while he pulled me to his front, allowing the water to wash over my head. I closed my eyes as he tilted my face up, barely tracing light touches across my features, like I’d break in his hands, before pressing his lips to mine. I felt his fingers tangle in my wet hair as our mouths worked against each other. He pulled away first, gently brushing his nose to mine before he kissed it then my forehead.
“I don’t deserve you.” He whispered, always doubting himself. I wish he could see the way others saw him. The way i seem him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him down to me. “I love you.”