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The day I first met you, I knew you were going to be my worst misery.
I blame your eyes.
For doing that to my heart. Because every time I looked at you, you looked back, acknowledging my presence and making me feel seen. The way I saw myself in your eyes stood out like any other reflection.
Was there ever a quiet moment with you? Even when we just met you already planted yourself into my life as if you were always there. The part of my heart I was missing was filled as if it was always whole.
I blame your stupid smile.
For always making me feel flustered. I was always good with keeping my composure and putting on my careless mask. Yet somehow all these walls I've put up throughout my life were as easy for you to break as simply taking a step forward.
You probably don't even know I used to be way colder before a certain someone decided to break me apart piece by piece without even knowing what they were doing. But how could you remember the cold me when you only ever saw the good in people.
I blame your hair.
The first time I asked about their color you became so mad you didn't talk to me for a week. I admit, I was being way too harsh on you but that was when I realised just how much I needed you in my life. Life without you by my side was empty. Even though I lived like that for my whole life, suddenly the lack of your presence made me feel... lonely.
Next time I didn't ask, it didn't matter if that pink was natural. All that mattered was how pretty they were when the morning sunlight hit them at an angle. You looked like a phoenix. I wondered if you’d come back from the ashes would your hair lose its color, its softness. I buried these thoughts deep inside my mind. You're never going to die until I'm by your side.
I blame your touch.
Your hugs that were supposed to be reassuring, warm and welcoming. All I could feel was powerlessness. I never liked hugs, it showed me my weaknesses. I could feel how vulnerable I would become if I got used to them. Yet I seemed to grow into longing for them.
One day on a rooftop of one of Tokyo's hotels when we just fought a Grade 2 curse, I got so tired. My head was heavy and I could barely keep it from falling. You saw right through me and all my 'I’m okay.' protests and you scoot over. You let me rest my head on your shoulder. Your warm breath against my ear, you were watching me soundlessly.
An idea crept into my mind, well not really an idea because it was more like an impulse. I just suddenly felt like kissing you. I turned my heavy head towards you, now heavy from all these thoughts running through my mind. You really were watching me without making a sound.
‘Ha!’
You looked so pretty. The lights from the street below us hit your hair. Your slightly open lips from the shock of me getting up, the weight from your shoulder slipping away. Maybe you were going to say something, maybe you weren't, either way i’ll never know.
I went in to touch your hair, tugged a few strands behind your ear. You chuckled "It tickles." but before your eyes could even open I planted a soft and quiet kiss on your lips. When I opened my eyes I caught yours. My reflection was all I saw. Surprise written all over your face.
I smiled at you with my eyes and before I could respond you went in again pulling me into a longer kiss with your emotions clearly spilling. How long did you hold this back for? I could feel the tension of his body devouring me until I lost myself in the moment.
We shared many kisses on the rooftop and a few after that day too. We never said anything about it. We only kissed when the moment felt right. And after that everything went back to normal. Exorcising curses and going back to our separate dorms. Never saying the words that stuck to my tongue.
I blame your heart the most.
The beating heart laying down on the dirty ground. Far too dirty to be worthy of holding you yet here we are your heart on the ground and I can't even bring myself to move forward. I'm not glued to the ground but I bet I could be, it would change nothing. I want to wrap you up in my arms, feel your warmth for one more time. But I know I can't bring myself to do that.
I can't hug you enough, not enough to be the last hug I can’t make it any special. I don't want to remember this as our last goodbye. I would rather remember all the moments we shared before the way they were. I don't want to slap "The last time we..." on things that should have never been our last.
How could I remember the last time we shared a laugh and think to myself, 'that was the last time I saw you smile'. I don't want my memories with you to be plastered by sadness that came too suddenly. I want to keep living in your presence, I want the 'last hug' to become one of many we share in the future, that I know you're not a part of.
God I hate your stupid 'thud, thud' sound your heart made every time we shared a hug and most of it all I hate that my heart was responding to yours the same way. But now, I would do anything just to hear that stupid thuding sound against my- same way flustered, chest and know you're alive in my arms and that nothing can ever happen to you, as long as I'm there with you.
'thud thud.... thud' the sound of your heart echoed in the quietness of the moment. My eyes darted at you like daggers.
Your stupid eyes.
Your stupid smile.
Your stupid hair.
Your stupid touch.
That stupid heart…
It kept beating on the ground trying its best to pump blood. It had yet to notice the person whose blood it used to be full with was smiling with that agonizing smile far from being okay. His eyes looked at mine; it was as if he was mocking me. Those eyes, that smile, his hair waving in the wind.
With one last thud. The ripped heart finally went quiet accepting its failed attempts of keeping someone alive. His smile grew crooked, it seemed like his time was here but the glue under my feet wouldn't even budge,
'I want that last hug, last touch, I want to hold him one last time' my thoughts ran wild in my mind desperately trying to make me walk, run or crawl to him.
Yet I couldn't move even an inch. Sweat spread to the back of my neck all those missed moments, when I thought I had enough time, that ‘we’ had enough time to work things through.
The time was running out but instead of using this last moment to be with you I was regretting the past, the same way I'm going to regret not hugging you goodbye if I don't do it now.
Step.
A leg had reached out to walk towards one another. But it wasn't me who was brave enough to take that step.
As soon as I saw you collapsing toward me my legs sprung into motion running up and catching you in my arms. Your body weight was more than my shaky legs could bear in the moment and I fell to the ground. I didn't mind my leg twisting under my body to cushion the fall, I couldn't even have the slightest care for the pain when all I wanted was right in my arms.
Although the warmth that once resonated from him was now far gone, replaced by an ice cold touch and eerie silence. I held him in my arms.
“It's going to be alright we'll fix all of this”
I was whispering to him, though if I was supposed to be honest maybe the words I spoke were meant for me.
He tried to say something but all that came out were gushes of blood, no sound was made hence no words were heard. All that was left in front of me were his eyes.
He didn't look scared, or did he? How should a person who knows his death is near look like.
I caressed his pinkish hair, I still didn't believe they were natural. But maybe I should let this go for once, play along with him. I wish his dying presence was just a play, that once someone yelled ‘CUT’ everything would be okay.
I closed my eyes and with a deep breath I kissed his lips for the last time. It wasn't like any other kisses we had shared, his lips were damped and drained of blood, the sweet taste of crimson slowly crept up into my mouth.
“You're going to be fine” my eyes were starting to lose vision, his beautiful smile and those brown eyes started to get blurry. Ones focused eyes only on him were now just two blurry blobs like any other in his vision.
A hand reached out to caress my neck. It was faint but I knew this touch was one I would cherish. Then a silence fell over the both of us, only then did I notice I was holding my breath with an attempt to stop the tears.
One maybe two minutes went by yet the silence still stayed, louder than any scream. I couldn't hold it anymore. You were in my arms, your brown eyes were no longer looking at me, they weren't looking anywhere at all. They just sat in their eye sockets like motionless white orbs.
My hand reached out for your face and with my tears smearing on your bloodied face I closed your eyes. I couldn't stand the emotionless look devoid of light so I looked away.
Some time had passed before I finally gained back a part of my consciousness. I looked down, nothing had changed, you were still livelessly laying in my arms and I still couldn't believe you were dead. But my leg that once felt just a little off was spiking in pain. A pain that sent me back into unconstitutionalness. I fainted.
The day of your funeral came sooner that anyone expected. Even though the second years didn't know you, I saw some of them shed a tear. Nobara used to say she didn't care about what happened to us, but trust me when I tell you, she misses you too.
I haven't seen Gojo much lately but I’ve heard that every time he comes out just to get tissues. He's here today too, wearing his blindfold. It’s drenched in tears, wet through and through.
Everybody here misses you.
I don't think I'll ever forget you.
Then it's time to pay our respects with our last words. I prepared a little speech for you. I hope you like it. I dare you to listen.
In a minute I went to the casket. It wasn't an open casket funeral. They said you weren't in the best shape for that. I took my small piece of paper and put the rose I brought on the wooden ‘forever-bed’. I took a deep breath, looked behind me once more as if to check if you were listening and began my final speech.
My final goodbye.
"I hated your stupid eyes, they made me feel like I was watched by you every step I took. It made me nervous to think someone looked out for me.
"I hated your stupid smile, I never understood how you could always be so happy in this dark world run through by curses. I hated the way you made me feel so flustered with it.
"I hated your hair. You always talked about how natural it is and I hate that I hadn't believed you until now. I wish I could tell you about the times I used to sneak into your dorm just to find your secret stash of hair dye, but I never did.
"I hated the way your touch made me feel. Hugs from you made me vulnerable. I hate feeling like a burder or ‘just a potential sorcerer’, I never gave into your hugs enough never let myself rest against you. And once I did… It was too late. I'm sorry I wish I could return one last hug to you."
"I hate that I was never brave enough to tell you that..."
Suddenly the people in the audience started to blur together, 'did they ever see me cry' I didn’t know. I didn't care. It took me a minute to steady my voice enough to be able to say my last lines to you. The ones I wish I would have told you sooner. The ones I wished you'd hear, you'd respond to. Simply the ones most important to me.
"Yuuji, I loved you, you idiot!"
...
"I'm going to be lonely without you."