Chapter Text
Stephanie Lauter changed Grace’s life. She didn't want to admit it, but that was the truth.
The first instance Grace can remember speaking to Steph was in second grade. All of the kids were running around the playground, climbing monkey bars and jumping off of swings. They were obviously breaking the rules but every time Grace tried to tell the teacher, she just waved her off.
Grace sat on the stone curb, her shoes crunching against the grass. The little girl was not bothered by being alone, she liked to believe. She didn't need her immature classmates. Grace could just look up at the sky, all blue and wonderful.
A red ladybug landed on a blade of grass, its shiny coat catching Grace’s eye. She blinked down at it, the tiny bug fluttering its wings out as if to dry them. The little girl slowly climbed off of the curb, going down on her knees to get closer to the ladybug. Grace made sure not to disturb it, staying a good distance away.
It was so tiny, but so beautiful. It had little wings it could use to fly into the sky, away from the ground and into the clouds. That sounded nice, being able to fly away. Was that bad of Grace to think that way? Shouldn't she want to stay on the ground where everyone else is?
“What are ya doin’?” A sudden voice interjected. Grace squeaked, whipping around to see a girl she knew but never spoke to.
Stephanie Lauter.
She was the mayor’s daughter, which garnered immediate respect from the other kids. She was friends with almost everyone in their class, even Max Jagërman didn't bully her. And he picked on everyone.
Steph had never tried talking to Grace before.
“Shh!” Grace put a finger to her mouth. She silently pointed at the ladybug, guiding Steph’s gaze to it. The girl tilted her head slightly, scratching her nose.
“What's so interesting about a ladybug?”
“Aren't they cute? They’re all red and shiny!” Grace grinned, the gap in her teeth being exposed. Steph tilted her head slightly, walking over to kneel next to Grace. This surprised the girl a bit, she didn't take Steph to be the type to observe bugs.
And now that Steph was closer to her, Grace noticed something.
A few things.
Firstly, Steph’s hair. It was long, wavy, a nice brown color that reminded Grace of chocolate. It fell over her shoulders and down her back like chocolate waterfalls. Grace wanted to touch it, really badly. It looked all smooth and nice like that.
Then it was her eyes. Whenever Grace saw Steph, she always thought her eyes were brown. A normal brown like her own.
Up close, she could see that wasn't the case. They were more of a hazel, some green mixed into the warm brown. It was like looking up at the canopy of a forest. They were pretty, like spring green leaves against the bark of an oak tree.
“It is kind of pretty.” Steph shrugged, her eyes still on the ladybug. Grace was no longer focused on the tiny bug, her gaze still on Steph. She didn't notice. “But it’s really small. Can't it be crushed really easily? What if someone steps on it?” Grace gasped, her eyes snapping back to the ladybug.
“That would be horrible! Someone wouldn't do that, right?” She asked, her eyes wide. Steph shrugged again.
“I dunno, but it would be mean of them to do it.” Grace nodded, now lying in the grass on her stomach. Steph copied her, clasping her hands together. She turned her head to Grace, blinking.
“Why are you always by yourself?” Grace, a bit surprised by the question, didn't answer for a few moments. She slowly turned to look at Steph, the girl’s face only a few inches from her own. She could feel her heart skip a beat.
“Uhm… The others don't like me.” Grace admitted, twiddling her thumbs.
“Why not? You’re not that bad, you just look at bugs.”
“They think I’m stupid and slow, like a slug.” Grace pouted, chewing the inside of her cheek. Grace didn't like being slow, she really didn't.
She just… She just couldn't understand certain things like the others. They just never clicked.
She knew a lot about bugs, she had a book about them at home. But math? English? Grace knew nothing about that.
“Well that’s dumb.” Steph stated bluntly. “They’re the stupid ones if they want to call you that.” Grace blinked, raising an eyebrow at Steph.
“Huh?”
“Who cares about how good we are at math or something? We’re just saying numbers, it’s not that impressive.” Steph rolled her eyes, brushing a bit of hair out of her face. Grace blinked, a bit shocked by the sudden defense in her name.
“But… You need to be smart to understand math.”
“That’s dumb.” Steph restated, huffing. “Who cares about math?” Grace couldn't help but giggle, covering her mouth with her hand. Steph looked at her, eyes slightly wide. “Why’re you laughing?”
“No one's ever said that before! Everyone seems to think it’s sooo important.” Grace laughed, some dirt streaking across her face. A slight smile went across Steph’s face, slowly growing until she was giggling as well.
“Right? They’re all stupid.” Steph turned back to the ladybug, which was still resting on that blade of grass. “But your ladybug is cool, do you like bugs?” Grace nodded, her eyes shining.
“Yeah! I got a big book about them at home.” Grace was about to continue before she stopped herself, covering her mouth with her hand. She couldn't ramble, it would just annoy Steph and make her go away. Grace had to stay quiet for people to like her.
Though, the girl next to her just looked confused. “Why’d you stop talking?” Grace hesitated, slowly lowering her hand until it rested against the dirt.
“Uh… I shouldn't be talking too much. It would annoy you.”
“I was the one who asked, Grace. What do ladybugs have going on, if you got a book about them?” Steph sat down in the grass, crossing her legs and resting her hands in her lap.
Grace blinked, not moving for a few moments. Steph wanted to listen to her talk? Pretty, popular Stephanie Lauter? She didn't even seem that interested in the ladybug initially.
Still a bit wary, Grace slowly sat up, leaning against the curb. “Are you sure you want me to talk?” Steph nodded, not looking annoyed in the slightest.
“Yeah. We don't talk about bugs during class, I don't know a lot about them.” Grace grinned, clapping her hands together.
“Then leave that to me!”
Stephanie Lauter was the first person who wanted to hear Grace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grace has always had a complicated relationship with her parents.
She knew they loved her, they only ever wanted what was best for her. But, ever since they were told Grace was different from the other kids, they didn't do much about it. At worst they would flat out deny it.
Grace knew something was wrong with her.
She could tell from the way her parents looked at her.
They still loved her, they still put her to bed with kisses and told her to have sweet dreams. But, Grace would think about their disappointed gazes when she came home with a note from the teacher, saying she may need more help in her learning.
Those gazes crowded her mind much more than the kisses.
Though, her parents gave her even more. Her Christianity.
Grace found God in her life at the age of eleven. When she went to Church and finally understood why her family went to that large white building every Sunday.
Grace’s name was a symbol of God’s undying love for them.
His grace that he granted to all.
It enveloped Grace like a warm blanket, that comfort. That someone loved her unconditionally, even if she would mess up and seem unforgivable. God would always be there for her.
With this in mind, Grace believed her thoughts about Steph weren't as weird as she thought.
She thought it was strange how she thought about the girl so often. Her hair, her eyes, her lips. Everything about Stephanie Lauter was beautiful to Grace. She had never heard about two girls liking each other, maybe people didn't talk about it for a reason.
But, if God loved and accepted everyone, he had to accept Grace, right?
Was there anything truly wrong with her liking a girl?
When Grace’s parents would try to point out boys to her, they never invoked the same feeling Steph never failed to get out of her. They were just… Boys. Nothing special about them.
Stephanie Lauter had something they didn't.
She was kind, despite what she said about herself. She listened to Grace when others wouldn't, she never called Grace annoying whenever she talked too much.
Stephanie Lauter allowed Grace to be herself.
But, if what Grace was feeling was love, wasn't that a good thing? God would accept her for who she was, that’s what she was taught. If men and women could love one another, who said a woman couldn't love another woman?
Grace thought about this for about a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day Grace went up to her parents about these thoughts was a day she regrets.
They always told her she could tell them anything, they always said that. Grace believed it. She believed it wholeheartedly.
Until she told them about Stephanie Lauter.
She was twelve, entering middle school still thinking about the girl. Grace realized she could ask her mom about her feelings, to validate them. To tell her that they were normal and fine to feel.
Instead, Grace got this.
“Grace, sweetheart, do you know about Adam and Eve?”
“Of course mama!”
“Then, you must know God created them for a reason. The first humans on earth, a man and a woman.”
“Mhm?”
“Well, he intended for men and women to coexist, to be together and whole. A woman being with another woman… Wasn't God's plan.”
“But, wouldn't it be the same as a man liking a woman? It’s all love, right–?”
“Oh no, Gracie! Those types of relationships are sinful in the eyes of God.”
“So… A girl liking a girl is a sin?”
“It is against God’s plan, so yes. It is a sin, sweetheart.”
Grace failed to comprehend it.
Her liking Stephanie Lauter was a sin.
She was a sinner.
It scared Grace, honestly. The idea that she was going against God. That she was defying him at that very moment.
After that day, Grace didn't mention Stephanie Lauter at all. She tried not to think about her, which she failed miserably at.
Even then, Grace couldn't help but think about how it didn't make any sense to her.
Her liking Stephanie Lauter was as terrible of a sin as murder? As adultery? How is that possible?
But, Grace had another thought.
Did she have the authority to defy God? To question him?
Who was more important? Her heavenly father or Stephanie Lauter?
Grace didn't answer that question.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
High school. It was a drastic change from her elementary days. Grace was eighteen now.
Grace was trying her best to get used to it. There were so many kids now, and they all called her a freak. A nerdy prude. They avoided her in class, in the halls, even at the cafeteria.
And just yesterday, Max Jagërman had gone up to Grace in the hallway and offered to carry her books. She never liked Max, ever since their elementary years. And that wasn't changing.
And even then, he had the nerve to ask her that. Grace declined immediately and bluntly.
Right after, Max called her something she still recoiled at even thinking about it.
A dirty girl.
A dirty, filthy, disgusting girl.
It set Grace off. She hated the way he said it, the way it crawled down her spine and wormed its way into her mind. She shouldn't be giving Max the time of day, he didn't deserve it. He was just a brute with a brain that was smaller in comparison to the average human being.
But here Grace was, sitting at her usual spot in the cafeteria staring at her sandwich thinking about him.
It made her feel all icky inside.
Unfortunately for her, most of the boys at their school were like Max. All disgusting brutes with no manners. There were some exceptions, though they weren't exactly the greatest contenders for good partners. Not like Grace was thinking about it, she was just taking it into account.
Someone like Peter Spankoffski, who was in Grace’s Biology class.
He was a nerd, the type Max bullied and picked on daily. He wore thick glasses, a bowtie, suspenders, he was the entire package. Grace talked to him once, but he was nice. At least compared to someone like Max.
Grace took a small nibble of her sandwich, picking at her dried lips. Then, her gaze shifted around the cafeteria.
And several tables over, there she was. Stephanie Lauter.
Grace’s six years of torment always stemmed back to her.
It was hard not to think about Steph when Grace saw her every single day. In class, on the way to school, at lunch, she just seemed to be everywhere.
Grace hated how Steph made her feel. How her heart still fluttered inside her chest every time she glanced at the girl.
It was wrong.
Unnatural.
Grace bit her bottom lip, snapping her gaze away from Steph. She had to stop. This couldn't continue. This attraction has already gone awry for eleven years, Grace just needed to get a hold of herself. She was a good Christian girl, who loved God and would never dare to defy him.
Grace stared down at her barely eaten sandwich, feeling as if it was judging her. She shook it off, that’s stupid. She was being stupid. A sandwich can’t judge someone. Why was Grace feeling judged by a sandwich?
She stared at her food for several minutes until the bell rang, signifying the end of lunch. Grace pursed her lips, getting to her feet and throwing the sandwich into the trash.
She had to get a hold of herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Dear Heavenly Father, please spare me a moment, as I don't know what to do.”
Grace was sitting in the empty chapel of her church, on her knees in a praying position. She sat at her usual seat, her eyes screwed shut with her hands tightly clasped together.
Above her, a painted stained glass window depicting Jesus looked down on her. Grace could practically feel its eyes burning through her head. She breathed deeply, shuddering a bit.
“God, I don't know why I’m like this. I don't know why I can't control myself. I know it’s not supposed to be this way, that I’m not supposed to think like this. But, I don't know what to do.” She admitted, her breathing wavering.
“I’m sorry to ask, father… But, would you truly resent me for this?” Grace dared to ask, shocked the words even left her mouth. She couldn't turn back now. “I… I don't want to think I like Stephanie Lauter, if it is something you would look down on. But, it hasn't stopped. I don't think I can stop it.” Grace gritted her teeth, a few tears starting to appear in the corners of her eyes.
She didn't want to beg, as it would be lowly of her.
“Please, Heavenly Father, forgive me…” Grace choked, leaning her head against the seat in front of her. She tried to stop herself from crying, not wanting to hear her sobs echo through the empty church.
Then, a voice.
“Grace?” Shocked, she whirled around to see a girl about her age at the door, her head tilted slightly as she blinked at Grace in surprise.
Alice Woodward. What a sick joke.
Alice was an eighteen year old girl who actually lived in Clivesdale, as her mother moved her there when her parents got divorced. She only came to Hatchetfield for a week every month to be with her dad. Whenever Grace saw Alice at church, she always looked uncomfortable during service. Grace never knew why.
Though, there was a bigger detail that Grace always thought whenever she saw Alice.
She was Steph’s cousin.
And she looked an awful lot like her, with her hazel brown eyes and long, wavy brown hair. The striking difference between them was Alice invoked none of the feelings Grace had for Steph.
“What’re you still doing here?” Alice asked, a bit wary. Grace wiped her tears from her eyes, getting to her feet and putting on a strained smile.
“Oh nothing! Just getting in some private prayer.” Grace looked Alice up and down. “What’re you doing here?”
“I think I left my phone here somewhere… Do you know where the lost and found is?” Grace nodded, keeping her hands behind her back. She tapped her foot repeatedly against the ground.
“Mhm! It’s just two buildings away, near the children’s church.” Alice gave her a small thumbs up, looking a bit awkward.
“Thanks.” Though, she didn't leave, which raised the tension in Grace’s body. Alice took a few steps towards her, seemingly examining her face. “Were you crying?” Grace immediately put her hands up, a stammer in her voice.
“N-No! It’s just– There’s a lot of dust in here, ya know? Got my eyes watering and all that!” Grace laughed, the sound strained and so, so fake to her ears. Alice wasn't buying it, raising an eyebrow at the girl.
“... Uh huh. Do you… Need to talk, or something?” Alice pursed her lips, cringing at herself. Grace shook her head profusely.
“No! No, you can just get your phone. I’ll be leaving soon anyway.” She tried to put a skip in her step, an almost crazed smile on her face. Alice looked to the side, watching as Grace started to walk past her. Then, she noticed something on the girl’s hands.
“Wait, Grace.”
“Hm?” Grace blinked at Alice, who grabbed her hands. She yelped, the motion shocking her greatly. Alice raised Grace’s hands into the light, her eyes a bit wide. On the back of each hand were five bloody cuts, each small but deep. Grace’s fingernails were coated red, long from going uncut for the past few weeks.
Alice looked a bit concerned, to say the least. “Grace–?” She couldn't hold it in anymore, at the sight of her own blood.
Tears started to cloud Grace’s vision, falling down her cheeks like little waterfalls. Without thinking, she hugged Alice tightly, almost knocking the girl over.
“I-I’m sorry– I’m so sorry– I can't–” Grace sobbed, her entire body shaking as she clung to Alice. The girl simply froze, her arms half way around Grace. She blinked, not putting any effort to push the crying girl away or to bring her closer. “I can't stop– I-I’m so sorry–”
“... Okay.” Alice gave a slight nod, still confused and maybe a bit freaked out. She grabbed Grace’s shoulders, propping her up so they were at eye level with one another.
Seeing tears on Grace Chasity was something Alice wasn't expecting.
“Grace. I’m gonna assume you got a lot going on.” She started, a bit awkward. Grace shook her head, her tears saying otherwise.
“N-No– I-It’s fine– I’ll just go home–”
“No.” Alice interrupted her, keeping her grip on Grace’s shoulders. The girl blinked, her puffy red eyes turning back to Alice. “No, I… Don't feel comfortable leaving you like this.” She admitted, biting her lip. Grace was still shaking, though much less luckily. “Listen. I’m gonna get my phone, and we’re gonna go down to Beanie’s so we can talk.” Alice said, firm and unyielding.
“But– My parents will be–”
“Grace, would you rather go back to your parents like this or go back after getting everything out of your system?” Grace stopped, thinking about what Alice was saying. Her parents would question her why she was staying out so late, yes, but they’d be more suspicious if she came home with puffy eyes and a runny nose.
It couldn't hurt, right?
“... Okay.” Grace sniffed, wiping her hand across her nose. Alice nodded, pursing her lips.
“Okay.”