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Minju has never been the easiest person to get a read on.
Outwardly, she was kind and silly to her friends and the other members. She possessed a unique charm that seemed to draw all sorts of attention towards herself. She was authentically herself on and off camera, not one to fake or put out an image of herself that wasn’t genuine.
Personally, Moka could never tell when Minju was being serious or not. Like when she’d proudly proclaim that it was a date whenever they’d go out to watch a new horror movie that was released. Or those quiet pockets of time where Minju would refuse to look her in the eye but also refuse to leave her alone. She’d stubbornly sit as close as humanly possible to her while practically ignoring her presence.
It was confusing, a bit frustrating, and totally addicting.
Of course, if she was just taking things at face value, it’s clear that Park Minju has a crush– or something like that– on her. Moka isn’t blind and she certainly isn’t dumb. But that sort of thing felt like too much of a good thing. She doesn’t know Minju that well, certainly not as well as Yunah did, so who is she to judge whether the girl likes her or not?
She also feels incredibly conceited whenever those thoughts pop up in her brain. Like she’s reading into it too much. The shy looks and movie nights could mean nothing. Maybe it’s never meant anything at all and Moka just likes the idea of someone as loved as Minju potentially liking her.
She’s trying to work on self-love and being confident in herself, but it’s also easy to fall back onto the reassurance that someone she admires actually likes her. It gives her a much needed ego boost when she’s feeling down.
But then again, she shouldn’t need someone else to feel good about herself.
That also makes her wonder if the reason she likes and takes notice of all these things is solely because of her own self-interest, or because maybe she likes Minju too.
She has thought about it, a lot, since the idea surfaced one night when they were rewatching one of their favourite movies.
It started with small hypotheticals, like how she’d feel if Minju suddenly started acting differently around her– and not in a good way. If she stopped staying up late to watch movies with her and stopped bothering to get close to her.
Moka thinks about these scenarios a lot but never manages to come to a conclusive answer.
She doesn’t want to think about it. She’d rather enjoy it while she can, the possibility of Minju having a crush on her. Because as close to certain as she is, a small part of her knows that that just can’t be true.
Minju, liking her? In their cutthroat job as idols, when they hardly have any time for themselves, much less time to harbour feelings for a coworker? While also being surrounded by people that are ten times prettier, funnier and smarter than herself?
Yeah, no.
But also, maybe.
*
After a grueling couple months spent promoting their new song, performing at music shows, recording for their reality show, and whatever additional schedule their company has them doing, they’re given a proper week long break.
Moka doesn’t know what to do with herself being given so much free time. She’s used to the hustle and bustle of idol life– getting up before the sun rose and returning home in the early hours of the morning. Always busy, always doing something.
Being in the dorms all day– because she isn’t Yunah and doesn’t have an endless list of friends to make plans with– is starting to make her restless. Reading helps a bit.
She used to read a lot of manga back in Japan. She particularly liked those incredibly cheesy shoujo novels. It’s what planted all sorts of ideas of romance in her pre-adolescent mind before her life as an idol destroyed any chance of that.
It’s not like she’s torn up about it because she loves her job and what she does, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t feel a little bit of regret. She’s never liked anyone before, never had anyone like her. All of their songs depict that nervous feeling of first loves in youth while she herself never got the chance to experience it on her own.
She stares at the last panel of the manga she’s reading. The two main characters, after 90 chapters of them clearly liking each other but being too scared to admit it, are looking at the cherry blossoms together after finally getting together. That sort of thing is kind of a big deal in Japan but she isn’t quite sure if they are here.
She gets up and goes to Wonhee’s room, barging in without knocking.
Hey, is there anywhere you can go look at cherry blossoms here?”
Wonhee has a face mask on and looks annoyed that she’s being disturbed, even though it doesn’t look like she’s particularly busy at the moment. “Yeah, lots of places.”
“Any spots you recommend?”
“Why? You wanna go see them?” Wonhee asks, before a knowing smile grows on her face. “...Perhaps with another person?”
Oh, so the connotations did carry over here. How annoying. “No,” Moka is quick to bury that bridge. “I’m going alone. Stop looking at me like that.”
Wonhee is grinning at her. “I’m not.”
Moka sighs. “Whatever. I’ll ask Yunah if you’re gonna keep being unhelpful.”
“Wait! There’s a lot of parks in Seoul!” She hears Wonhee shout as she leaves the room.
*
“Hey.”
Moka had been busy creating charms, facetiming her mom on her phone when Minju shows up at her door. This is the first time she’s seen the girl all week, since she’d gone back to spend time with her family. “Hi,” she says.
Minju’s eyes dart around awkwardly. “Movie tonight?”
“Can’t,” Moka says regretfully. “I have plans.”
“Plans at night?” Minju asks, leaning against the door frame, weirdly curious.
Moka didn’t really want to tell anyone about her going to see the cherry blossoms, especially because they might not even be in full bloom anymore– she’d missed the best time to see them– and it’d be embarrassing if she showed up and they’d all already fallen.
“Yeah,” she says vaguely.
“What are you doing?” Minju probes. Her tone remains light and all her questions are probably just friendly in nature so Moka forces herself not to wonder why she cares in the first place.
She sighs, mutes herself on the call, and picks up her trinkets again. “I’m going to Seokchon Lake.”
“Oh.” A pause. “Are you going with anyone?”
She can’t help but scoff. “No,” she says. “Just me.”
Minju nods thoughtfully. “Okay, cool.” And then she asks, “What’re you working on?”
Moka glances at the bracelet she was making. It was just something to keep her hands busy while she and her mom talked, so it didn’t look quite as good as her other ones. “Just a bracelet.”
Minju has moved closer, waving hi to her mom before drawing near to get a better look. “It’s pretty,” she says with a smile.
Moka stares at her, uncertain again about what Minju is trying to do right now. “Thank you,” she manages, quickly turning her head away so that they were no longer inches apart.
“Uh, so...japchae for dinner? Yunah was craving it.”
Oh, Yunah’s actually here too for once. Maybe it’s because it’s the last day of their break and everyone’s resting up before their lives are thrown into chaos once more.
“Sure,” Moka says.
Minju leaves her room shortly after with a soft click of her door closing.
For some reason, Moka feels like she took all the air in the room with her.
*
After dinner, with all the members in the dorm together, they decide to play games in the living room. They play music on a speaker and yell at each other over ridiculous board games made for children. Moka feels lighter than she has all week, having fun with her members that have grown to mean so much to her.
She feels her phone buzz in her pocket from a reminder she’d set earlier about going to the lake.
A part of her doesn’t want to go, wants to stay here and continue having fun. The other part of her had been looking forward to it all week, yet loathes the idea of going alone.
She’d be fine.
She excuses herself from the next game Iroha pulls out, telling them that she had plans and to have fun without her. As she’s stepping into her sneakers, the sound of padded footsteps make her turn around.
Minju smiles at her when she turns around but doesn’t say anything, so Moka continues tying her laces and asks, “Had enough of Wonhee winning every game?”
That gets a soft laugh out of her. “No. I’m here to see if you wanted company. Like, to Seokchan.”
Moka gets a fluttery feeling in her chest, anxiety gripping her nerves as she stares, wondering if Minju has any idea what she’s doing to her. “You...want to come?”
“Yeah,” Minju says with a shrug, opening their closet and pulling out a jacket. “If you’re okay with that.”
“Um, yeah, that’s fine.”
The walk to the lake is only around fifteen minutes. The streets of Seoul feel emptier at night without any cars busying the roads or pedestrians filling up the sidewalks. The moon sits high up in the sky, its light and occasional street lamps guiding their way.
There’s a reason why she wanted to come at night. Obviously because it’d be nice to go out and not have to wear a mask and cap, but also because she wanted to experience yozakura. It was a tradition back in Japan to go see the cherry blossoms at night, the atmosphere at that time known to be more romantic and magical.
She shoves her hands into her pockets, feeling an unfamiliar nervousness brewing. Minju walks silently next to her, matching her pace, stopping every so often to snap pictures of the city at night while Moka waited for her every single time.
They finally reach the lake. The walkway is littered with sakura petals, ground practically covered in them. The trees themselves are bare, only a couple of pink blossoms remain on the branches. Moka feels like a failure, when she sees it. She missed the cherry blossoms. She was too late. She had all week to see them and yet chose to come today and because of that, she’d missed them.
“Sorry,” she says quietly.
Minju turns towards her. “For what?”
Moka stares at the petals by her feet. “You came to see the cherry blossoms because of me but they’re all gone. I shouldn’t have waited so long.”
An honest to god laugh. “I’m here for you, not for the cherry blossoms,” Minju says. “And besides, there’s always next year. The year after that.”
Moka frowns at her first few words, fixating on them. Minju came out at night on her last day off to accompany her on a failed cherry blossom sighting for her?
“Come on,” Minju says, holding her hand out, palm up. “We might as well make the most of it now that we’re here.”
Moka glances down at the proffered hand. Feels the disappointed knot in her chest unwind. She worries about her hand being too clammy but it’s too late for her to do anything about it because she’s already placed her hand in Minju’s. She’s tugged down the path and while the trees may not look as magical, the lamps strung up on the branches are still breathtaking.
“Let me take a picture of you,” Minju says after a while, letting go of her hand and pulling out her phone.
Moka frowns, unwilling. “I have no make up on though.”
“So? You’re still pretty.”
Stupid. Minju doesn’t mean that.
“Hey, a smile would be nice.”
Moka rolls her eyes, annoyance quickly being replaced with something fond and warm. As annoying as Minju can be, she’s still so likeable, it’s unfair.
Minju’s phone snaps a picture before Moka’s even ready for it.
“Wh– hey, delete that!” she says indignantly.
Minju holds her phone towards her chest, hiding the screen from her when she tries to look. “Why? You look good!”
“I wasn’t ready!” Moka pouts a little. “At least let me look at it.”
Minju’s smile dampens a little, like she saw something and thought a million thoughts about it. “Trust me, you look good,” she says with a scarily honest tone.
Moka’s frown deepens, but she lets it go. Doesn’t want Minju to keep telling her she’s pretty because she knows that’s exactly what she would’ve done if they’d kept arguing about it. And well, she can only hear Minju calling her pretty so many times before she starts to like it too much.
They continue down the path and Moka takes some pictures for Minju too. After a while, they end up leaning against the guardrail and looking out at the lake. The water is calm and quiet at night, no one here but them.
“You know why I wanted to see the cherry blossoms?” Moka says, feeling in the mood to share something personal. The timing felt right, and Minju deserved to know, since she’d come here with her. “I was reading a manga I used to like as a kid earlier this week, and it reminded me of how little life I’ve experienced, you know?”
“Like, its basically a rite of passage to confess or get confessed to under a sakura tree. But I’ve even never told anyone I like them. I’ve never had any tell me they like me too.”
Minju chuckles quietly. “Sap,” she teases.
Moka laughs too, flushed but not embarrassed. “Yeah, I guess. Thank you for coming with me.”
“Yeah. I mean, I’m glad I’m here too,” Minju says it like she means it. Maybe she does. She reaches out a hand and gently tucks a stray hair behind Moka’s ear like it was nothing.
Moka ignores the sound of rushing blood in her ear, staring at Minju with wide eyes. Her heart feels like it’s beating a thousand times per second in her chest. What if Minju could hear it? What if she wants her to?
“Hey,” Moka says, grabbing Minju’s hand before she could pull it away. “You’re so warm.”
Minju grimaces dramatically. “Why are you so cold? You should’ve worn a jacket.”
“It would’ve ruined my outfit.”
“No, it wouldn’t,” Minju says. “You could be wearing a trash bag and still pull it off.”
“Only you would picture someone in a trash bag,” Moka giggles.
“But I wouldn’t tell just anyone they’d look pretty in it.”
Moka’s heart stutters. Skips a beat. “You think I’m pretty?”
Minju looks away but then forces herself to look her in the eye again. “I do.”
“Oh. You’re...not that bad yourself.”
Minju huffs out a laugh, smiling as she leans in. Moka’s thrown entirely off kilter by a press of soft lips over hers. The tiniest of pecks that neither of them seem to have saw coming. They part almost as soon as it happens, staring at one another with wide eyes.
“Sorry,” Minju whispers under her breath. Then louder, “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Moka says quickly, but it isn’t quick enough. Minju has already pulled her hands away and is staring out at the lake with a painful expression on her face. “Minju? I said its–”
“I’m sorry,” she says for the third time.
“Stop apologizing.” Moka takes a step forward but Minju just steps back.
“I have to go,” Minju says. “You can head back without me.” She walks off without waiting for a response, down the path opposite the way they’d come.
Moka stares after her and debates if she should go after her. No, Minju looked like she needed to be alone. She should respect that, despite how much she wanted to chase her down. So she heads back to the dorms by herself, lets herself in through the door, and sees Yunah sitting alone in the living room.
“Where’s Minju?” she asks as Moka kicks off her shoes.
“I don’t know,” she replies.
Yunah blinks, catching on to her tone. “Did something happen?”
“No,” Moka says. “I mean– she had something to do but she’ll be back soon.”
“Right,” Yunah says, suspicious but letting it go. She stands up and stretches her arms. “I’m gonna go shower then.” As she pads off to the washroom, Moka sits down on the couch until Yunah’s done before going to shower herself.
Changed in a fresh set of clothes, Moka parks herself back on the couch and waits for Minju all night.
*
She’s woken up by the sound of the door unlocking. Sunlight is seeping in through the window and Moka’s neck is sore from how she’d fallen asleep sitting up. Still, she waits with bated breath as Minju comes into view, in the same jacket as last night, but in a different outfit.
“Oh,” Minju says when she sees her. She quickly turns and continues down the hall. Moka scrambles to her feet after her, catching her by the wrist.
“Wait,” she says. “Can we talk?”
“About what,” Minju says curtly.
“About last night.”
Minju stiffens and yanks her wrist away. It seems to take her a minute to gather herself before she turns toward her. “What is there to talk about?”
Moka blanches, feeling a little crazy at the nonchalance. “Um, a lot. We literally–”
“Stop, Moka. You know we can’t– we’re idols.” Her voice sounds robotic, like she were reading off a script. “We should keep things professional.”
Something in her breaks at her words. What fills the cracks runs hot, angry. “You don’t get to say that when you’re the one that kissed me, Minju.”
Minju’s eyes widen in alarm. “Lower your voice,” she says.
Moka scoffs, doesn’t bother lowering her voice in the slightest, only getting louder as she got more and more angry. “Fine. You want professional, we can keep things professional. Just tell me why you did it.”
“I was tired,” Minju says. “It was late, I wasn’t thinking straight, and I lost my balance.”
“You lost your balance.”
“Yeah.”
Moka feels burning behind her eyes, the slow build up of tears about to burst at any moment. She refuses to cry right now. “That’s all it was?” she asks quietly.
Minju takes a deep breath. She won’t even look at her. “Yeah.”
Again, Moka feels like she might start laughing. Or crying. Probably both. “Fine,” Moka says before pushing past her for her room. By the time she manages to shut the door behind herself, she’s already tearing up.
She hears Minju’s footsteps pass her room, not a hint of hesitation. The tears start flowing shortly after she hears the click of a door through the walls.
She’s upset– furious at Minju, but also at herself. For having spent months building up the narrative that Minju had a thing for her when it was the farthest thing from the truth. Minju doesn’t like her, she never did.
Then why the hell would she kiss her?
Out of anyone in the world, the last person she would expect to break her heart was Minju. And yet that’s exactly what she did.
*
They don’t talk about that night. They don’t talk much at all after that night but with cameras shoved in their faces 24/7, it’s not like they can go on without speaking to one another. On camera, they’re amicable. Friendly if not a little awkward, but the fans all love that part of their dynamic anyway. Off camera, they’re not that close. They haven’t had a conversation with just the two of them since. Movie nights are a thing of the past. Minju doesn’t show up at her door and ask her about what she’s working on.
Moka misses her, terribly.
Which doesn’t make sense, because she’s around her constantly. They travel together in the same car to the same schedules, spend hours in the same practice room, live in the same dorms. Sure, Minju is there physically and tangibly, but emotionally, she is absent.
Months pass like that. If Moka wanted to, she could almost convince herself that the night with the cherry blossoms hadn’t happened at all. But the memory of it still haunts her when she’s trying to sleep. The ghost of soft lips on hers. She aches for them.
It’s the most pathetic she’s ever felt in her life.
*
They end up sharing a room when they’re in Japan for a concert. It’s only for a night but Moka feels like she’ll implode anyway.
She’s practically bursting at the seams with nerves as they step into the hotel room, together, alone. Of course there is only one bed. Because why wouldn’t the universe want her to suffer more than she already has?
The silence is deafening. Moka wonders what she’d done to deserve this. Most of all, she feels sorry that Minju has to deal with this too.
“Nice view,” Minju says, in regards to the giant, floor to ceiling window.
Or maybe, she doesn’t care at all, which is somehow worse. Because it would mean Moka is the only one feeling this way, so deeply affected by something that happened months ago, by something that didn’t mean anything at all. She drags her suitcase in and unceremoniously dumps it onto the ground. Pretending to busy herself with unpacking.
“Wow, its soft.”
Minju’s attempts at conversation go nowhere. Moka feels bad but she can’t bring herself to respond. She just leaves the room under the guise of checking out the vending machines. Instead, she goes up to the top floor where all the hotel amenities are. She plops down on a couch and calls her mom.
“Hello?”
“Hey mom,” Moka says, speaking quietly. “Is it okay if I come sleep at home tonight?”
“Home? Aren’t you in Tokyo though?”
“Yeah. It isn’t that far.”
Her mom chuckles. “Far enough that you’d have to get up at 5 if you want to catch your plane.”
She knows her mom is right. Even by train, getting to Fukuoka would take over five hours and she wasn’t seriously asking anyway. She’s just scared to go back to her room, to Minju.
Of course this would happen to her. Maybe she could ask to switch with one of the others? They might ask why and make their assumptions but she knows they would agree. Minju would probably want that, too.
“What’s wrong?”
Moka stares blankly out of the window at the view of the city. All she sees is her reflection, tired eyes looking back at her. “Nothing, mom.”
“I know that voice, Moka. Something’s wrong.”
She shuts her eyes and loathes how well her mom knows her. For months, she’s kept what happened that night and everything she felt since to herself. It’s something she got used to doing– bottling things up and dealing with them on her own– since she moved to Korea and lost any support system. She thought that with enough time, she would deal with this too like everything else. She can’t, though. All she does is feel, hurt and miss Minju, and it never goes anywhere.
The only person she talks to about her struggles as an idol is her mom, but she’s never talked about this. Her feelings feel too personal to share, too raw because not even she had a full grasp on them yet. Keeping it to herself has become natural but now, she wants someone, anyone, to know.
“Mom. What do you do when you and someone you like get into a fight?”
Her mom is quiet on the other end, perhaps not expecting a question like that out of her. It’s to be expected. They’re rookie idols. Dating– or any connotation of romance– is supposed to be completely off the table for them. “What do you mean?”
She takes a deep breath, keeps her words simple where her mind and feelings aren’t. “I like someone and I thought she liked me back. We ended up fighting a while back and I’m still not over it. I don’t even hate her for it. I just miss her.”
“Do you think maybe she didn’t mean to hurt you?” her mom asks gently.
Moka sighs. “I don’t know. I don’t think so but...we haven’t talked about it.”
“Oh,” her mom breathes. “Well, it sounds like you care for each other a lot.”
Is that what it sounds like? She scoffs. “I don’t think she cares about me anymore.”
“You haven’t talked, so how would you know?”
Her mom has a point. Sure, Minju hadn’t approachedh her but it’s not like Moka has tried initiating any productive conversation either. A part of her is scared she’ll be rejected again, pushed away, made to feel like everything that’d happened only meant something to her. She’s tired of being afraid.
“I don’t want to say the wrong thing,” she admits, swallowing the lump in her throat. “I don’t want her to hate me.”
“You won’t lose her by being honest, Moka,” her mom says. “But you will by staying silent.”
Then it’s already too late. She lost Minju months ago. To weeks of silence, of pretending in front of the fans and ignoring each other otherwise.
Still, her mom’s words sit in her brain afterwards. The entire elevator ride, she thinks about it and realizes that they’ve yet to properly sit down and talk about that night. Neither of them seemed willing, but maybe it was just both of them being scared.
Minju’s sitting on her bed, a plastic bag beside her. She turns as soon as the door opens, catching Moka off guard with her reaction time.
“Hey,” Minju says, standing up awkwardly. “You were taking a while so I went to look for you and found out the hotel doesn’t have any vending machines, so I got some snacks at a convenience store nearby. I didn’t know which ones you liked so I just got whatever the cashier recommended...”
Moka must look utterly confused because she grabs the bag and offers it to her. There’s a chocolate snack that she used to really enjoy as a kid, surprisingly. She hasn’t had in it a while. Not since they debuted, probably.
“This one’s pretty good,” she says, taking it out. “I used to have it a lot as a kid.”
“That’s good. I guess the cashier knows what he’s doing.”
Moka huffs, sitting down and opening the packaging. She throws a cracker in her mouth, chews, then without looking, offers some to Minju.
She feels Minju grab one wordlessly.
The snack is finished off and thrown into the garbage. Minju moves the plastic bag onto the table for tomorrow. “I’ve already showered, so. All yours.”
Moka takes a long shower, the hot water helping to clear her head. She should talk to Minju about it. Tonight. It has to be tonight. When else would it just be the two of them like this, without cameras or the members?
She has to say something, even if Minju tries dismissing it.
Ugh, she’s terrified just thinking about it.
After washing up, she steps back into the room to find Minju in bed, on her phone. She is at the far end of one side. If she moved even the slightest bed, she’d fall off the bed entirely.
Moka sits down on the other end, throwing the blanket over her lower body, sitting there not knowing how to start.
“Min–”
The lamp clicks off, casting darkness on one half of the room, and cutting her off. Minju turns to her. “Did you say something?”
Moka, feeling flustered, mumbles out a no before shutting off her light too. Maybe it’d be easier to talk in the dark. At least, that’s what she tells herself, but she could feel her window of time to speak growing smaller and smaller the longer she waited. It’s hard. Harder than she thought it’d be.
By now, Minju’s probably already asleep. She’s always missing her chance out of some internal, irrational fear. She only ever realizes it’s irrational after the fact. That’s not good enough.
As she’s drowning in self-loathing, Minju sits up suddenly and flicks on her lamp. “I can’t sleep,” she admits. “I think I’m going to ask Yunah to switch with me.”
Moka’s heart drops. Is it her? Minju’s that uncomfortable with her she can’t even stand to sleep on the same bed– with ample distance between them? There’s no way she’s talking to her now. Not when she already knows the outcome. Minju telling her again that they should keep things professional, that what happened that night was a mistake.
She’s going to be made to feel stupid for her own feelings all over again.
Minju has gotten up, opened the door. Moka kicked the blankets off herself and all but ran towards her. “Wait– I want to talk to you.”
Minju stops, the hallway light casting her figure in shadow. “About?”
Moka hates her tone– the nonchalant note to it– but refuses to let it deter her. “When you kissed me, Minju.”
Minju visibly stiffens, her grip on the door knob tightening until her knuckles whitened. Good, be uncomfortable, Moka thinks. That’s only a fraction of how she feels.
“We already talked about it.”
“No, you made up some bullshit excuse and expected that to be enough. It’s not.”
Minju turns, looking exhausted. “Then what will be enough for you?”
Her eyes burn, corners drawing moisture. Minju speaks like she’s being a nuisance. This is the first time she’s brought it up in months and she couldn’t even spare the energy to care.
“I like you,” Moka says. It feels like throwing herself off a twenty story building. Like laying her heart out and trusting Minju not to break it. Or perhaps knowing she’ll break it and laying it out anyways. Emotional masochism. “I like you. I’ve liked you since we were trainees but I was too scared to talk to you. I was so happy when we were getting closer, and when you kissed me I thought– maybe you felt the same.”
She chokes up, swallows, continues, “I know you don’t. And that’s okay. I’m okay with just being friends if it means getting my friend back. I miss you, Minju.”
Minju stares, silent. She turns her back to her, and leaves. Moka stands there with her heart in pieces, crying freely now that there was no longer an audience to hold it together in front of. Before the door could even shut closed, it’s yanked open again. Minju storms back inside and grabs her face with both her hands.
Minju kisses her. Not a brief peck or a brush of lips but a real kiss. One that catches Moka completely by surprise. Once that wore off, her hands find their way to Minju’s shoulders, pulling her closer.
When they part, both of them are panting. Moka stares, wide eyed and so confused. What is happening?
Minju doesn’t look away from her. “You like me? Really like me?”
Not trusting her words, Moka nods.
“You should’ve said something,” Minju mumbles. “I thought I was going crazy, thinking you hated me for that night–”
“I never hated you. I thought you – you were the one that brushed it off like it was nothing.”
Minju’s face contorts into one of regret. Her thumbs wipe away her tears, so gentle Moka feels goosebumps. “I was scared. So scared of what you’d say. I’m a coward, Moka. I couldn’t handle the idea of you hating me that I pushed you away. I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m so sorry–”
Moka sees her own feelings, emotions, fears mirrored in Minju now. A weight feels like it’s lifted from her chest. “I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to talk to you. I was scared too – I didn’t want to push you. I thought I would lose you,” she says. In retrospect, fear had driven both of them away from one another, when ironically enough, they had nothing to be afraid of.
“Can I...Moka, I want to kiss you, please.”
She smiles slowly, chest tightening at Minju’s expression. “Now you ask,” Moka mumbles, reaching up to kiss her. Her heart still jumps and hammers in her chest when their lips touch, when Minju’s hands drop to her waist, graze skin where her pajama had ridden up. Electricity shoots through her body.
After they part, they decide to go to bed. Except Minju cages her in with her arms, a look in her eyes Moka’s never seen before. When they kiss, its with a new fervor. Minju presses kisses down her neck, which brings a whole new bout of tingles shooting through her body.
Minju’s hands, soft, warm, slip under her shirt, grazing the sensitive skin there. She asks her if this is okay. Always so concerned. A little dumb, a little wimpy, but she loves those parts of Minju because it meant she really did care.
Moka smiles. As if this could be anything but okay.
*
Minju posts the picture of Moka she took at Seokchon on her birthday.
When Moka sees it first thing in the morning, immediately a million butterflies fill her stomach. She isn’t looking at the camera, but at Minju, behind it. A smile on her face, looking so fond and in love it makes her feel sick.
Later that day, Wonhee catches her alone. “So that’s why you asked me where to see cherry blossoms?” she asks, referring to the photo, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.
Moka frowns, despite feeling her face flush. “None of your business,” she dismisses.
A couple days later, on their way back from a schedule, Yunah says, “I’m glad you and Minju made up.”
Moka blinks, half asleep and needing a minute to process her words. “...What?”
“I mean,” Yunah chuckles. “I heard you two fighting about something a long time ago early in the morning. You two seemed to be avoiding each other after too...anyway, I’m glad you sorted it out.”
“Oh. Yeah,” Moka says, in a daze.
Iroha is the last one to comment anything about it, but honestly Moka had a feeling she already knew a long time ago.
It happens out of nowhere, when she and Iroha are watching tv in the living room. Minju had joined them for a little before retiring to bed because of a solo schedule she had early the next day. After waving her bye, Moka sees the look Iroha’s shooting her.
“What?” she asks.
Iroha snorts, shaking her head. “You two aren’t as subtle as you think,” she says, before going back to watching the movie like nothing was wrong.
*
“I think everyone knows,” Moka says when they’re washing the dishes together. Actually, it’s technically Minju’s turn but Moka had volunteered to help her and the others didn’t fight her on it. “About us.”
Minju dumps a plate and bowl into the dishwasher. She rinses her hands off, sauntering over to where Moka was cleaning the table. “Oh, really?”
Moka can’t help the smile growing on her face as Minju wraps her in a hug from behind. “I’m serious! We need to tone it down.”
“But if they already know what does it matter?”
Moka frowns. She had a point. But acting like this in front of the others is...embarrassing. She couldn’t do it. “Still,” she says weakly.
“Fine,” Minju sighs. “Only because you’re cute.” She presses a kiss to her cheek, and then another one for good measure before resting her head on her shoulder, watching as Moka worked.
This has become a new normal for them– at least as normal as two famous idols in a relationship with one another could get. Since that night in Tokyo, they’d had many, many conversations about how they felt and how they wanted to move forward. They decided that they’d at least try. Some days were harder than others, some days Moka couldn’t stand Minju and other days Minju would need space for days on end.
It isn’t perfect but nothing in life is. Moka wasn’t expecting a relationship straight out of a manga. She wanted Minju, through all her vices and virtues.
“Ew.”
Both of them jump apart so fast Moka knocks her knee into the table leg and hunches over in pain. Minju is by her side in an instant, like she hadn’t even moved away in the first place. “Are you okay?”
Wonhee is standing at the door, a disgusted look on her face. She walks to their snack cabinet, digging through it while the two of them stare at her back like if they looked hard enough, they’d turn invisible.
“Continue on,” Wonhee says after finding what she was looking for. Leaves the room without another glance towards them.
Moka immediately raises a threatening hand at Minju. “This is exactly why I said we should tone it down!”
“She was fine with it!” Minju argues. “Besides...if I can’t kiss you in our dorm where else would I?”
It might not seem like it at first but Minju is a conniving manipulator. She knows exactly what face to pull when she wants to get her way, and she knows that Moka will fall for it every single time. Why does Minju have to be so pretty? It’s so hard to stand her ground when she is.
Moka glares weakly. “You can kiss me whenever you want.”
The puppy look on her face is immediately wiped for a grin. “Really?”
Moka rolls her eyes in lieu of response.
Minju just wraps her in a hug, leaning in.
“Room,” Moka says. Minju, though disappointed at having been stopped, quickly grabs her hand and tugs her away.
They ignore the looks their members throw them from the living room, all of that disappearing behind the closed door. Where there’s no one but her and Minju and these weird but intense feelings between them.
She often has to remind herself that this is real. That she likes Park Minju and Park Minju likes her back.
It’s been a tumultuous ride. They’ve had their ups and downs but honestly, Moka wouldn’t have it any other way.
*
“Hey, a smile would be nice!”
Moka scowls playfully. She'd been standing here for at least fifteen minutes as Minju fiddled with her camera, getting all sorts of different angles which is honestly all so unnecessary. "One more picture," she says, before fixing her hair with a hand and plastering a smile on her face. The moment she sees Minju snap a photo, she's immediately marching out from her spot by the sakura tree, grabbing Minju's hand and pulling her away. She smiles apologetically at the long line of people who'd been waiting for their turn to take pictures as they leave.
“You're so pretty,” Minju says distractedly, swiping through the photos she'd taken on her phone.
Moka links their arms to keep close, looking at her screen. “Did you really have to take so many? I didn't take as much for you.”
Minju gives her a look. “Well, you just look really nice today. You dressed up for today, didn't you?”
“Oh.” Moka averts her gaze, face warming. She had dressed up, but since Minju didn't comment on it when they met up, she'd assumed that the girl hadn't noticed. Apparently, she had, and even though she'd dressed up for her, it brings a whole wave of nerves fluttering in her chest.
They decided to visit the cherry blossoms again, while they were in full bloom this time, and despite the abundance of other people here, it didn't take away from the experience one bit. It's been almost a year since they first kissed here. They felt like different people back then. Maybe this is what growth and development feels like. At least, the Moka from before would never have imagined that she would be looking at the cherry blossoms with someone she really liked– and for that someone to be Minju of all people.
They spent most of the afternoon strolling around the park. Ate dinner at an udon restaurant nearby. Did some shopping at some stores they saw as they walked around to digest their food. Eventually though, they end up back in the park. The sun had already set, lampposts brightening up the walkway for the people who were still looking at the trees.
“Remember this spot?” Minju asks.
Moka blinks, having been enjoying the moment so much she wasn't really paying attention to their surroundings. “Uh, no?”
“This is where I kissed you back then.”
Moka looks around and recognizes the view of the sea, the bench a couple steps away from them, the engraved initials on the metal of the guardrail. She's surprised Minju would remember where it had all started all those months ago. “So you finally admit that you kissed me first?” she teases, smirking smugly.
Minju hides her laugh with a cough. “Maybe.” She turns so that they were facing one another, gazing down at her so tenderly Moka feels trapped under it. “Thank you for not letting me go. Even though I reacted horribly after.”
Here she goes with the cheesiness. Their members are always on them for being sappy but it's Minju that's the sap between them. Moka's just the unfortunate victim of it. “Yeah, you did. I'm glad I didn't let you go either. But I really was going to, you know. God, when you said you'd switch rooms with Yunah? Evil.” Not that she minded, of course.
“I'm so sorry!” Minju groans, dropping her head onto her shoulder. “I'm such an idiot...”
“Hey,” Moka says gently, coaxing her head back up. “I happen to love that idiot so-”
Minju grasps her shoulders abruptly, startling Moka into silence. “You love me?”
She feels herself flush a deep shade of red. “I– uh, did I say– I meant that I... I don’t–”
She’s known, for awhile. She just never spoke te words out loud. Didn’t want to add any unnecessary pressure to their already extremely delicate relationship. It felt too soon, to be feeling that way.
Minju cups her face. “I love you too.”
Moka stares into her eyes, searching for any hint that she was joking, but she isn’t. Minju’s serious about her words and her feelings. “You’re one hundred percent sure?” Moka asks quietly.
Minju doesn’t hesitate. “One hundred and ten.”
Something in her chest eases. "Good," Moka says. “I’m a hundred percent too.”