Chapter Text
MONDAY
Speedy [9:43]
don’t be mad
Speedy [9:43]
don’t freak out
Speedy [9:43]
it’s just a scratch roy knows a guy that could TOTALLY fix it
Speedy [11:02]
do you have my insurance info I need it
Speedy [11:09]
stop freaking out I can feel you freaking out
Speedy [11:09]
I backed into some girl’s jeep ok it was an accident
Speedy [12:11]
if you tell mom I’ll kill you
Overbearing Birth-Giver [12:28]
Will you please just give Clarence a chance?
Felicity [13:42]
Who is Clarence?
Overbearing Birth-Giver [13:44]
June from book club’s Clarence. You promised her you’d get dinner with him.
Felicity [14:08]
I think I have the wrong phone.
Felicity [14:08]
I’ll get back to you.
Overbearing Birth-Giver [14:11]
Wait, what?
Ollie [14:14]
I guess I should tell you this is the wrong number?
Ollie [14:14]
although it isn’t
Ollie [14:14]
just the wrong recipient
Speedy [14:15]
…………..who is this
Ollie [14:15]
he’s going to call you
Ollie [14:15]
like right now probably
Ollie [14:16]
he hung up on me
Ollie [14:16]
you’re not hurt though right I’d feel like a jerk if you were lying in a hospital somewhere and I’m the reason you’ve been, like, alone all day
Speedy [14:20]
I’m fine phone girl thanks for the concern
Phone Girl [14:20]
any time.
Stockholm Syndrome [16:59]
s.o.s.
Stockholm Syndrome [16:59]
cute girl at the gym
Stockholm Syndrome [16:59]
did I say cute? I meant ‘could definitely kick my ass in a fight’
Stockholm Syndrome [17:00]
her name is nyssa
Stockholm Syndrome [17:00]
my cold, dead heart is awakening
Best Friend/Accomplice [17:02]
Your friend doesn’t have her phone right now. My name is Oliver.
Stockholm Syndrome [17:03]
A BOY HAS FELICITY’S PHONE
Stockholm Syndrome [17:04]
THAT BITCH DOESN’T TELL ME ANYTHING
THE BOY WITH FELICITY’S PHONE [17:04]
I think you’re making some assumptions here.
Stockholm Syndrome [17:05]
tell me, oliver, are you attractive
THE BOY WITH FELICITY’S PHONE [17:05]
I don’t know how to answer that.
Stockholm Syndrome [17:05]
that’s a yes, then
Stockholm Syndrome [17:05]
nice to meet you oliver
Stockholm Syndrome [17:05]
now
Stockholm Syndrome [17:06]
wHY DO YOU HAVE MY BEST FRIEND’S PHONE???????
THE BOY WITH FELICITY’S PHONE [17:08]
It’s a long story. We swapped by accident.
THE BOY WITH FELICITY’S PHONE [17:08]
Huh, I guess it’s not that long.
Stockholm Syndrome [17:09]
…..can you give it back to her? or at least tell her that sara is extREMELY offended that there is a BOY in her life close enough to trade phones and she was not immediately informed of these circumstances. I know where the bodies are buried, felicity smoak.
THE BOY WITH FELICITY’S PHONE [17:11]
Unfortunately, this is how things are going to be for the foreseeable future.
THE BOY WITH FELICITY’S PHONE [17:11]
But I’ll be sure to pass on the message.
Stockholm Syndrome [17:12]
this feels like the start of a beautiful friendship
Unknown [17:57]
SARA HELP ME
Unknown [17:57]
SOUND THE ALARM I HAVE TO QUIT MY JOB AND RELOCATE TO AUSTRALIA
Unknown [17:58]
I HAVE OLIVER QUEEN’S PHONE
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [17:59]
oh
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [17:59]
shit
TUESDAY
Felicity [5:10]
it’s still dark outside
Phone Thief [5:15]
An astute observation. Why are you awake?
Felicity [5:15]
your preset alarm
Phone Thief [5:16]
...Sorry. I normally like to run in the mornings.
Felicity [5:16]
of course you do. the ass-crack of dawn is a perfectly reasonable time to WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU????
Felicity [5:17]
I’m sorry for yelling
Felicity [5:20]
I need more sleep
Phone Thief [5:21]
I’m in a meeting. It’s three hours later here, remember?
Felicity [5:21]
that… makes sense, sorry to interrupt
Phone Thief [5:26]
You’re not interrupting.
Phone Thief [5:27]
I’ll call you later, okay?
Felicity [5:27]
ok enjoy your meeting
Felicity [5:28]
is that something corporate fat cats say?
Felicity [5:28]
are meetings ever enjoyable
Felicity [5:29]
sorry I’m done now
Felicity [5:29]
bye
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:06]
you called him fat?
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [10:07]
THAT’S what you took from this conversation?
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:08]
I’m sorry
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:08]
you have so much power you know
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:08]
you could ruin the cheating scumbag’s life
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:08]
just sayin
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [10:09]
I shouldn’t
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [10:10]
that would be mean
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:10]
you’re too nice
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:11]
how are we best friends
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [10:12]
idk I guess we balance out
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:16]
I still can’t believe you managed to swap phones with your boss who is also my sister’s ex-boyfriend
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:16]
your life is a cheesy movie
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:17]
anne hathaway could star
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:17]
BLAKE LIVELY COULD PLAY ME
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [10:20]
she is at LEAST four inches too tall
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:21]
irrelevant
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:22]
you’re too smart to fall for him anyway
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:22]
I told him so
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [10:22]
SARA.
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [10:23]
FELICITY.
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [21:13]
he sent me WINE
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [21:14]
HE DIDN’T
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [21:16]
he did and I don’t know what to do with it
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [21:16]
I feel like it’s too expensive to even BREATHE on
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [21:17]
what is he trying to apologize for
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [21:18]
he’s thanking me for sending him some stuff
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [21:18]
like, pictures
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [21:19]
from his pHONE oh my god like BUSINESS things
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [21:20]
I see
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [21:20]
(I don’t see)
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [21:22]
this is like day two how can I be trusted with this man’s phone for the next two weeks
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [21:23]
whatever you do, make sure he sends more wine.
WEDNESDAY
T [16:01]
Dear old Dad sends his regards.
Ollie (temporary) [16:09]
That time of year already, huh?
T [16:10]
Yup. The biannual concerned father check up, disguised as lunch.
Ollie (temporary) [16:11]
Ouch.
T [16:13]
How’s the east coast treating you?
Ollie (temporary) [16:13]
The usual. How’s Starling?
T [16:14]
Rainy and miserable.
Ollie (temporary) [16:15]
I hear the river looks like it’ll flood any minute.
T [16:18]
Felicity told you that?
Ollie (temporary) [16:19]
...What makes you think so?
T [16:20]
Because she’s all you’ve talked about for the last three days.
Ollie (temporary) [16:21]
That’s… an exaggeration.
T [16:22]
Hardly. Maybe I need to see for myself exactly what it is about this girl that makes her so different from the rest.
Ollie (temporary) [16:23]
Tommy, no.
T [16:25]
Tommy, YES.
THURSDAY
T [18:57]
Your prayers have been answered.
Ollie’s Call Girl [18:58]
watch it merlyn
Ollie’s Call Girl [18:58]
you don’t want to find out what I can do to you if you piss me off
Ollie’s Call Girl [18:59]
to your online presence, that is
T [18:59]
Duly noted.
T [19:00]
Table Salt, you and me, Sunday at 7?
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:02]
very original
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:02]
do all billionaires receive the same playbook when they hit dating age?
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:03]
‘chapter one: take her to table salt’
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:03]
‘chapter two: expensive jewelry’
T [19:05]
Fine.
T [19:05]
Russo’s?
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:09]
how about I pick the place
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:09]
big belly burger
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:09]
to really hammer in the casual friend-ness of this dinner
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:10]
plus ten bucks says you’ve never been there before and I really want to be there for that experience
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:24]
your silence speaks volumes (you still owe me ten bucks)
T [19:26]
Sunday, Big Belly, 7pm.
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:29]
deal
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:29]
but I swear to god merlyn
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:29]
if you have me saved in your phone as something sexist and cheesy
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:30]
like ‘oliver’s call girl’
Ollie’s Call Girl [19:30]
I will end you
T [19:34]
……..How could you think so low of me?
Ollie’s Felicity [19:35]
just a feeling
SATURDAY
Phone Thief [7:46]
[Sent: IMG_2407.jpg]
Phone Thief [7:46]
Saturday meetings are the worst.
Felicity [7:47]
sneaky-cam shots during business?
Felicity [7:48]
aren’t you a dedicated CEO?
Phone Thief [7:50]
I’m bored.
Phone Thief [7:51]
What are you doing at the moment?
Felicity [7:53]
[Sent: IMG_1505.jpg]
Felicity [7:53]
I’m on a date
Phone Thief [7:54]
Adorable.
Phone Thief [7:55]
The poodle is, too.
Felicity [7:56]
so cheesy, mr. queen
Phone Thief [7:58]
[Sent: IMG_2408.jpg]
Felicity [7:59]
you know that is now saved on JARVIS for eternity
Felicity [7:59]
I could use it to blackmail you
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:34]
I have made a grave mistake
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [9:34]
I’m coming over and I’m bringing bleach, a tarp, and a shovel
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:35]
I think I kinda sorta
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:35]
asked him out?????????????
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [9:35]
is this the kind of thing you do when I leave you unsupervised?!
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:36]
although does it really count as asking OUT if said occurrence were to take place at my apartment
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:37]
not the point hE SAID YES SARA
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [9:38]
start at the beginning and leave nothing out
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:39]
we were talking about iron man
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [9:39]
why am I not surprised
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:39]
he’s never seen it
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:40]
what kind of sCRUFFY-LOOKING NERF HERDER has never seen iron man????
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [9:41]
...isn’t that from those space movies you made me watch
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:42]
‘space movies’
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:42]
I’ve never felt so personally attacked in my whole life
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:42]
but yes
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:43]
that is how stressed I am, I am mixing my fandoms
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:43]
so I just casually mention that I could lend him my copy
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:43]
but because my mouth hates me and nothing ever comes out right
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:44]
it sounded like I was inviting him over to watch it wITH ME
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [9:44]
I’m going to enjoy telling this story at your wedding
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:44]
so I tried to fix it
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:45]
and he just interrupts
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:45]
with his stupid smiley seductive voice
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:47]
all ‘I would love to watch it with you felicity. I would love to invade the sacred place you call home and see your gryffindor sword authentic replica and potentially run away screaming at the sheer number of ceramic giraffe statues on your mantelpiece felicity. I would love to completely ruin your life with my overwhelmingly attractive presence felicity.’
Sara (Laurel’s sister) [9:49]
I’m coming over and this time I’m not joking
Felicity’s Vacation Phone [9:49]
bring mint chip.