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Kokichi was staring up at her, that self confident little smirk that she couldn’t stand still, somehow, on his face. She took her crossbow, aiming the last shot right between his eyes. She would take no chances with this. She would gladly give her life for the others to be rid of this scum. Especially Kaito… who would now be free.
She squeezed her finger around the trigger, and at that moment, the world suddenly started running in slow motion. The arrow seemed almost suspended in midair, fighting through an invisible barrier, but on track towards its target, who thankfully wasn’t moving. Kokichi’s eyes became slightly wider as he finally realized the weight of his actions, and what he had pushed her to do.
But then Kaito was there. And she was powerless as she watched her arrow bury itself in the center of his chest.
Only then did time resume its usual speed. She threw her crossbow to the ground, not caring where it clattered off to, and flung herself to her knees. She pulled the upper half of Kaito’s body onto her lap. Miraculously, he was still hanging on somehow, but there was blood spattering his mouth where he had coughed it up. “Kaito… Kaito… hang on, just hang on, I can fix this…”
He grabbed her fluttering hands, still giving her one of his big Kaito grins. “It’s okay, Maki Roll,” he murmured. “It’s okay. You just promise me you’ll get out of here, okay? You and Shuichi, and everyone else. Get out… of… here…” He trailed off, eyes glazing over with a look she knew all too well. He was gone.
“Kaito! No… NO!” she screamed, but he’d gone to a place where he could no longer hear her. The world around her went dark, the blackness ringing out in a symphony of a thousand different voices laughing, and through them she swore she heard a distinct “Puhuhuhu,” among it all….
She shot bolt upright in bed, her fingers closing around the hilt of the knife that she slept next to. And there in front of her was not Kaito, or even Kokichi, but Shuichi, his hands raised in surrender.
“Nightmare?” he asked with no preamble as he slowly moved into the room. She nodded, using her free hand to push her bangs away from her forehead, which was covered in sweat. As she attempted to get her breathing under control, Shuichi sat on the end of her bed, waiting for her to begin the inevitable conversation.
It took several minutes for that to be feasible. “Himiko–” she began.
“Still sound asleep,” Shuichi answered. “You didn’t wake her.” They both adjusted themselves awkwardly before he spoke again. “Did you dream about him?” he asked in a whisper.
Maki nodded her head miserably. “I see him all the time,” she said, her voice just as hushed. A week ago, she never would have been caught dead talking about something as stupid as her feelings with anyone else. But after escaping the killing game, she’d had no choice but to open up lest those feelings swallowed her whole. And besides, it was Shuichi. Who could she talk to if not him?
Because he, too, felt the raw sting of losing Kaito.
Shuichi sighed. “I see him too. Almost as often as I see Kaede,” he admitted. “I know if they were here, they’d tell us that we can’t keep dwelling on the past, that we have to move on, but we can’t even trust that anymore. According to Tsumugi–”
“I don’t care what Tsumugi said!” Maki hissed. “I told you before that it doesn’t matter if this was written by someone else. We’re not getting our real memories back. This is the only life I’ve ever known, the only life any of us have ever known. What Kaito and I had, that was real to me. I’m not letting a liar take that away.”
She huffed wordlessly and turned away. Since escaping from the school and trying to adjust to their new lives, this was the point they disagreed on most. After seeing the audition tapes, Shuichi was inclined to believe Tsumugi. Maki, meanwhile, vehemently rejected some of her claims, saying that if Tsumugi really had ‘written’ their personalities, they never would have chosen to end killing games forever. And if that wasn’t real, they couldn’t trust a word out of Tsumugi’s mouth.
“Look, I’m sorry,” Shuichi offered hesitantly. “I don’t want to fight about that. Just… tell me what I can do to help you.”
She stayed quiet as she contemplated his request. What she wanted he couldn’t give her. She wanted to not have to hole up in this apartment until things blew over, but she didn’t have much of a choice in that matter; they were lucky to have shelter at all.
After the killing game, Maki still had all the ‘skills’ she had been given along with her fake memories, and as such she was able to hotwire the first car they found with no one in it as they made their escape. It was easier said than done; people were swarming to the school after what they had witnessed. Maki had driven them as far as the car could take them until it ran out of gas, but she was so shaken she hadn’t noticed they were being followed the whole time. When they got out of the car to contemplate their next steps, they were interrupted by two women claiming to be Kaede’s mother and sister.
They had little reason to doubt that claim, since the family resemblance between the two of them and their fallen classmate was strong. The Akamatsu’s had offered shelter, thanked the three of them for working to ensure Kaede’s death hadn’t been in vain, and had given a very different version of what had happened compared to Tsumugi.
The families and the victims were told that the game would all be a simulation, that their sons and daughters would be returned to them. This couldn’t have been farther from the truth. They were gone, and when Kaede’s father went seeking for answers, he disappeared too.
“We want to thank you for working so hard to avenge her death,” her mother had told them. “We want to show you our gratitude. Please, stay with us until the storm dies down and you can move freely again. Let us protect you.”
So they’d been stuck in this apartment for three days, their only company well-meaning strangers and a television that announced a country-wide manhunt was looking for them. And as genuine as these people seemed, the only two that Maki trusted were Shuichi and Himiko.
“I don’t know how you or anyone else can help,” she finally admitted to Shuichi after a long silence. “I still need to work out what was the truth and what were lies. Isn’t it helping you, knowing that you actually fell in love with the real Kaede?”
For indeed that seemed to be the case. Her mother and sister had confirmed that while Kaede’s talent had been a fabrication for the game, her personality had been unchanged. The Kaede they met was the same vibrant, tenacious, determined, lovely person that had existed before.
And if Kaede had been the same good, kind person in real life, Maki believed with her whole being that the Kaito she fell in love with had been real, too.
Shuichi’s ears had turned red, and his face flushed even deeper as he contemplated her question, and it took a moment for him to compose himself enough to answer. “Well, I mean… yeah. I guess it does help,” he stammered. “With all that’s happened, though, I haven’t been able to sit and really… come to terms with my feelings for her.” He looked down, appearing ashamed.
“You have all the time in the world to do it now.” She didn’t mean to sound bitter, but that was her tone nevertheless. She was itching to leave and it was making her irritable. She felt an uncontrollable need to learn. She wanted to visit the orphanage, to see if that was really the place that raised her. She wanted to meet Kaito’s relatives, whoever they were. She needed to know who he had been.
Shuichi glanced over at her, then found his voice again. “I know I have the time now–we both do,” he reminded her. “And you don’t have to do this alone. I lost Kaede, who I loved. And I lost Kaito, too. I didn’t love him like you did, but I did love him as a best friend. I understand what you’re going through.”
“You don’t get it. Not completely,” she murmured, her words lacking their usual bite. She chewed on the idea for a moment, but decided she had to. This had been gnawing at her, and she had to get it off her chest. “Can I tell you something? Something you have to swear not to repeat until you’re given express and direct permission?”
“Yeah, of course,” Shuichi said automatically, though Maki could tell she had piqued his curiosity. She took a deep breath to steel herself.
“Okay, so you know how he was obsessed with gambling even though he was terrible at it?” she started. Shuichi just nodded and smiled sadly, his mind going back to watching Kaito blow a huge lead at one of the slot machines. Along with Miu, and Korekiyo, and Ryoma, and Kokichi… who were all dead now….
Maki’s voice pulled him out of his reminiscing. “He really wanted a certain item in the shop upstairs,” she muttered as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She couldn’t look Shuichi in the eye now. “I was really good at this driving game they had down there, so I offered to get him what he wanted… only because he begged me and wouldn’t leave me alone until I said yes.”
She blew a huff out before continuing. “It turned out what he wanted was a hotel key. He wanted to check in there to see if there was anything we could use to help get us out. And… because I helped him get it… he asked if I wanted to come with him. I did… I mean, I couldn’t let that idiot just go off on his own. Who knows what kinds of problems that would have caused?”
Shuichi nodded, unsure where Maki was going with this but he let her continue. Though he couldn’t help but notice her face was getting awfully and uncharacteristically red.
“I never went to the hotel,” he said cautiously. “What was there? Anything worthwhile?”
“Hardly,” she scoffed before adopting an expression like she was sucking on an especially sour lemon. It was going to be so hard to get these next few words out. “It… it was a… a love hotel.” There. She said it.
“O-oh.” Now Shuichi’s own cheeks were dusted with pink. “He didn’t know that’s what it was, did he?” He asked the question almost like he didn’t want to know the answer.
“Of course not,” Maki huffed with an eyeroll. “He was more embarrassed than I was to see what was down there. We would have left, but the key only opened the door from the outside. We were locked in and the door didn’t open until the morning.”
“So, you stayed the night, I assume?” Maki bobbed her head once. Shuichi just looked confused. “I mean, I get that it was embarrassing, but why are you telling me?”
“Are you going to let me finish or not?” she deadpanned. He quickly shut up and wordlessly gestured for her to continue.
However, this was the hardest part of the whole thing, yet the entire crux of the issue. “We didn’t mean for it to happen,” she mumbled. Her hand went to play with one of her pigtails before she remembered she had cut them off after arriving in a hope to be less recognizable. She settled for fidgeting with the uneven ends instead. “I guess it was the atmosphere of the room, but we just–”
“You didn’t!” Shuichi exclaimed, interrupting again, but she didn’t admonish him this time; she simply dipped her head in confirmation. “Oh, Maki, why?”
“Honestly? Because we wanted to.” She was amazed she was still able to keep a blasé tone when she was sure her face was cherry red. “But that’s not the point,” she continued hastily. “I didn’t bring this up so I could talk to you about the explicit details of… that.”
“Yeah, I definitely don’t need details,” he stammered. “Sorry, I was just surprised is all. But at least tell me you were safe, right?”
Maki was silent. Shuichi’s expression slowly morphed to one of horror. “Maki? You were safe, right? Right?!”
“If you want the story, I need you to not judge me,” she mumbled. “Look, I understand being safe is important. But at the time, we had no reason to believe that we were living a lie. And I have vivid memories of having my uterus removed as part of my conditioning.”
Without thinking, Shuichi leaned over and wrapped his arms around her, causing Maki to freeze. “What are you doing?” she hissed. “Do you want to die?”
“Shut up,” he muttered, not letting go of her. “I get it, okay? We both learned to put our emotions aside for the sake of doing what we do. You’re right. This is the only reality we have now. I don’t know if I was always like this, but I don’t remember being any other way. But Kaito and Kaede were different. They taught me it’s okay to allow yourself to feel. And if you can’t do that, if you can’t let yourself feel the pain yet, then I’ll do it for you.”
She couldn’t really think of a response to either agree with or refute him, so she just sat there stiffly until he finally let her go. “So what now?” he asked. “Do we ask for a pregnancy test? Do you already know? Sorry, I’m not very well educated on this.”
“Neither am I,” she admitted. “And of course I don’t know yet. I don’t even know if I have a uterus or not. If I go longer than a month without getting a period, then I’ll get a pregnancy test. But I don’t want anyone, not even Himiko, finding out until I know for sure.”
“Why not?” Shuichi asked. “I know it might be embarrassing, but there’s nothing wrong with more support. I know you don’t want to accept that but–”
“Embarrassment has nothing to do with any of it,” she snapped before deflating. Even now, Maki couldn’t hold on to her anger for very long; it was too overwhelming. And that was exactly her problem. “I don’t even know how I feel about the possibility of this,” she admitted. “It’s too much. It’s just too much. I haven’t even come to terms with Kaito’s death yet…” Only here did her voice crack, and now that she was forced to admit it out loud, she broke.
The tears that she had been holding back, the pain of learning to love Kaito only to have him leave, the uncertainty of the secret she may or may not be carrying, all burst through her mask of icy indifference in a tidal wave of sobs. This time, she offered no resistance as Shuichi hugged her again, but instead she clung to him as the only lifeline left available to her.
She cried until she could see the first pink rays of sunrise fighting through the shades that covered the windows. It was only her fear of being discovered by Himiko or one of Kaede’s family members that caused her to withdraw; now that the sun was up, they could wake at any moment.
She pulled away, wiping the last traces of tears from her face with the back of her hands. “Sorry,” she croaked, her voice hoarse from dehydration.
Shuichi said nothing. He simply rose from her bed, left the room for a moment, then returned with a glass full of ice water. She nodded a thanks before gulping it down, and it instantly soothed her aching throat.
Finally, when he was sure Maki was unlikely to break down again, Shuichi opened his mouth. “It’s okay not to know how to feel,” he said. “There really is no right way to feel. On one hand, yeah, sixteen is young, and that’s not even beginning to get into our unique circumstances. But, on the other hand–”
“I might be carrying the last piece of Kaito we have left,” she finished for him in a whisper. “And I know this is no way to raise a child. I never even wanted children, not after what I went through. But is it selfish of me to hope that not all of Kaito is gone?”
“Of course it’s not,” Shuichi reassured. “Even a part of me is hoping there’s still a piece of him left. Not that I have any say, of course,” he added hastily.
“Will you help me?” she asked quietly. The words sounded foreign in her mouth. She couldn’t ever recall asking for help before. But there was no doubt she needed it now, and Shuichi was the only one she trusted enough to ask. “I’m not asking you to be a parent,” she clarified, not wanting Shuichi to misinterpret what she wanted from him. “I can’t take that role from Kaito, even if he isn’t here. But that’s just it. Their father won’t be here, and I know I can’t do this on my own. I’ll need you, and Himiko too, if she’s willing. I guess I’m asking you to be a pseudo-uncle.”
“Do you even have to ask?” Shuichi agreed with a small smile. “You, Himiko, and I are a family. You know that. We all made a promise to stick together, and I fully intend on doing just that. I can’t speak for Himiko, but I know she feels the same. We’re here for you, Maki. And if it turns out you are carrying Kaito’s baby, we’ll be there for them too.”
Any assurance that she would never be alone again was rare for Maki. She’d never known the comfort others could bring until she had met Kaito… and he had been taken from her. But whatever was coming next, Shuichi and Himiko had survived worse with her before. And they were still here. They were constant. They were comfort. They were two friends she cared for deeply, and they cared for her.
She took Shuichi’s hand and gave it a light squeeze as a silent thanks. And for the first time since escaping from the killing game, Maki allowed her lips to turn upward, hope giving her a reason at last to smile.