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Shane woke up uncharacteristically late on this Sunday morning. At some point during the night Ilya clinged onto him and wouldn't let go so he just melted into his husband's body until Anya started squealing and licking his face in order for someone to take her on a walk. He reluctantly got out of bed, snuggled as much extra blankets around Ilya in order to mimic Shane's body, brushed a stray curl from his forehead and droped a light kiss on top of it.
While walking Anya he encountered Kate who was, despite being early in the morning, trying to haul several tons of groceries in one go from her car. Andrew and Willa jumped up and down when they saw Anya.
Shane helped Kate while the kids played with Anya but he kept looking at his phone something in the back of his mind nagging him about Ilya.
Nothing happened. They were happy. They had a family dinner last night with his parents and today was supposed to be a chill day. Gym free day. Rolling around in bed day. But something in Ilya's grip last night while he was fast asleep turned on warning bells in Shane's head.
He murmured some apologies to Kate that he can't stay for a cup of coffee after helping her with the groceries and went back home. He peeked into the bedroom and saw that Ilya didn't move an inch. Shane opened the window for a bit to let the fresh morning air in and went back to kitchen to prepare Ilya some breakfast, and his designated smoothie for the day.
Not even five minutes later while he was trying as quetly as possible to portion out frozen fruits for the smoothie Ilya softly patted to the kitchen, dragging his favourite blanket Yuna gifted them after the wedding and basically glued himself to Shane's back. Exhaling softly while doing so.
Shane gently put his hands over Ilya's that are resting on his belly and turned his head slightly to the side to put a soft kiss on Ilya's temple.
"You good?" He asks as quietly as possible as not to break the softness of the moment.
"Had a bad dream. Woke up and you weren't there," Ilya murmurs with his head in the crook of Shane's neck.
"Oh, fuck. Sorry Ilya," Shane turns around in Ilya's embrace and Ilya drops his head on Shane's chest while covering them both with the blanket draped over his shoulders.
Shit. Shane knew something was wrong this morning. He burrows his nose in Ilya hair and inhales deeply the smell of sleep and that expensive shampoo for curls Ilya let Shane buy him. It smelled like jasmine and orange blossom. It smelled like peace.
"Not your fault. You didn't know. But I don't want to keep it from you. That was the deal, da?" Ilya murmured again, slowly lifting his head to look at his husband.
"Thank you for telling me," Shane's eyes were filled with tears with the amount of feelings that were going through him right now. For the past several months Ilya was trying out different medications for his depression and there were bad days and good days, and they agreed that they'll always be honest with each other of whatever they're going through in that moment.
Shane gently kissed both of Ilya's eyes then the tip of his nose, making Ilya blush and smile a little.
"Anything I can do to help?"
"You already are. This. You help," Ilya nuzzles back into Shane's neck.
"Do you wanna hug or be hugged?" Shane whispers stroking the short hairs on Ilya's neck. Ilya just shruges his shoulders completely surendering to his husband's touches.
"Okay. Come on, couch."
"Together?"
"Together," Shane smiles and pulls Ilya gently towards the couch.
"But the fruit... the smoothie..." Ilya points behind his shoulders on the countertop where bowls of frozen raspberries and blueberries were thawing out.
"Forget about the smoothie. Come."
Shane sprawls on top of the couch and pulls Ilya completely on top of him. Tugging the blanket over both of them. Ilya again exhaling softly against his chest.
Shane then turns on the tv and puts on Wall-E to play softly in the background. The faint noise making Ilya crawl half of his face from the blanket to watch it while one of his ears is still planted in the middle of his husband's chest, listening to the comforting lub-a-dub of a heart beat.
"Do you want to watch something else?" Shane murmured idly drawing circles on Ilya's back.
"No. This is calming. The robot show. I like it. Not so many words. Nice colours. Easy on the brain."
"Yeah. I figured. Tell me when you get hungry. I'll make you pancakes and eggs and bacon..." Shane was mid listing every single Ilya's favourite breakfast food when Ilya lifted his head to look at Shane.
"Pancakes? Real pancakes or your awful protein ones?"
"Real pancakes, I promise. I'll even bring out the entire Nutella tub for you."
At that Ilya's eyes sparkle.
"I thought we didn't have any more Nutella?"
"We do. I told mom to buy me the other day so I could surprise you with breakfast in bed today. We sneaked it pass you last night."
Ilya was on the verge of tears as Shane gently swipes his thumbs underneath Ilya's eyes, now with dark circles under them. The touch alone making Ilya close his eyes and melting away, tears silently dropping.
"Hey. It's fine. We're fine. I'm here. Okay?"
"I love you so much Shane Hollander," Ilya opens his eyes and kisses Shane's open palm.
"Love you too, Ilyushka."
Ilya's breath shudders, he plants a kiss on top of Shane's chest where his heart is and then turns to the cartoon again. He doesn't remember when somebody called him that. Maybe Svetlana, but that was years ago.
"This cartoon reminds me of us," Ilya finaly says.
"What, why?" Shane laughs, his laugh bubbling in his chest moving rhytmically Ilya's head with every move.
"You are Eva, you analyze everything, always the rule follower. I'm Wall-E, spent years going through garbage of life. Both of us finding something to live for. Finding a spark to go on."
Shane's heart almost completely droped into his feet. He hated when Ilya talked that way about himself and he knew, after so many joint therapy lessions, that his job was to make sure that Ilya knew how loved and cherished he was every step of the way. But he also knew that invalidating Ilya's current feelings could backfire, so he took another route - the route he knew Ilya would respond better to.
He hugged tightly Ilya's body then said:
"I think I'm Wall-E. Everytime I'm hopped on painkillers I call you like Wall-E calls Eva. Eeeeeevaaaaaa," Shane mimicks the voice and Ilya laughs.
"Stop it."
"Eeeee - vaaaaaa," Shane says it again, Ilya almost completely shaking with laughter on top of him right now. He pulls himself on his elbows and looks at Shane who was silently crying the entire time.
"I hate it when you hurt like this and I don't know what to do," Shane admits pushing another stray lock from his husband's forehead.
"You're helping. And I'm not lying. This is what I need. Thank you," Ilya murmurs nestling again in the crook of Shane's neck.
Shane exhales and idly brushes invisible patterns over Ilya's cheekbones, nose and forehead. Ilya not talking anymore, eyes still open, eyelashes fluttering every now and again by the touch.
"Pancakes?" Shane tries again - "Mom got us that whipped cream thing you also love."
At that Ilya almost but jumps from the couch, blanket flailing over his shoulders behind him like a superhero cape.
"You kept the whipped cream from me? Divorce. I don't love you any more Shane Hollander," he fake pouts but melts against Shane's soft lips in the next minute when Shane joins him standing.
"Liar. Come on. You can watch. Make sure I don't put protein powder in the batter."
"Blasphemy. My own husband. Jail!" Ilya keeps fake pounting and stomping his feet walking towards the kitchen.
Ilya watches Shane make the batter from scratch and then goes to say something but opts out of it. Shane just lifts his eyebrows in question.
Ilya sighs.
"Can you make me several with blueberries?"
"Oh, now you want to eat healthy?" Shane teases and separates the batter in several bowls so he can make one plain, one with chocolate chips and one with blueberries. Ilya loved how Shane hated to just sprinkle the condiments on top of the batter in the pan but instead insisted that it needed to be inside the batter.
When Shane used all of the blueberries he wanted to use for the smoothie Ilya rounded the counter and opened the freezer to take out some more.
"What are you doing?" Shane asks puzzled.
"Um... You used all the blueberries, I'm taking out some more for your smoothie," Ilya answers slowly.
"No need. I'll eat pancakes with you," Shane answers without a beat.
"You'll eat..." Ilya's eyebrows are almost connecting with his hairline.
"Yes," Shane theatrically flips the pancakes.
"These pancakes... With me?" Ilya narrows his eyes in confusion and points to the pan.
"Yes."
Ilya approaches him and feels his forehead with the back of his hand to see if Shane has temperature. Shane bats his hand away.
"Are you okay Shane?"
"Stop it. I'm fine. It's lazy Sunday, right? So, on sundays we both eat comfort food."
"And you want that? Because you want that and not because you want that for me?"
"Yup," Shane accentuates the 'p' and plants a quick peck on Ilya's lips. Ilya feels the taste of raspberries. Shane has been apparently snacking on them while preparing breakfast.
"Okay. This is weird. Bring back old Shane Hollander," Ilya keeps poking Shane on his sides and Shane starts to giggle holding a spatula.
"Stop it. Stop it Ilya. I'll burn our pancakes."
They both erupt in laughter when Ilya takes out the spatula from his hands, moves the pan from the burner and lifts Shane on the counter kissing him properly.
"I love you so much. Always will," Ilya says.
"Promise?"
"Forever and ever."
"Even though I've probably slightly undercooked the pancakes?" Shane bats his eyelashes and Ilya wants to drown in his husband's freckles.
"Especially then," Ilya kisses him again then puts him back on the ground, returning the spatula back into Shane's hand and the pan over the burner then kisses his forehead.
"Okay. Now I watch."
"Asshole."
"Love you too."