Chapter Text
Re:Zero - The Glock That Solved Everything (Unfortunately)
Chapter 1: Applied Physics
The scent of loot house saliva and bad life choices was, Subaru decided, a real mood killer. He was pinned beneath a mountain of a thug, the guy's breath a biohazard. This was it. The second pathetic death in a week. What a way to—
Bam!
The thunderclap was deafening. The thug's head snapped back, and his weight became a very heavy, very dead lump on top of Subaru. The other three thugs froze. The world froze.
Subaru blinked. In his right hand was something heavy, cold, and wonderfully familiar.
A Glock 17. His Glock 17. The one from under his bed back in Japan.
He pushed the dead thug off and scrambled up. The three remaining thugs stared at him, faces full of confusion. The pistol was still in his hand, smoke curling from the barrel.
"Wha... what sorcery is that?" the one with the chipped tooth stammered.
Subaru looked at the gun, then at the thugs. A slow grin spread across his face. The magazine was full. The weight felt right. He didn't question it.
"Sorcery?" Subaru echoed, pointing the Glock at Chipped Tooth. "No, my good man. This is civilization."
Chipped Tooth laughed nervously. "A little metal club? You think that scares us?" He took a step forward.
Bam!
Chipped Tooth yelped as the wall next to his head exploded. He dropped his knife and clutched his ringing ear.
"THAT was a warning shot!" Subaru bellowed. "The next one is for the family jewels! WHERE. IS. THE. GIRL?"
The other two thugs threw their hands up. One pointed trembling fingers toward the loot house. "Th-the back room! Silver hair! Please don't do the thunder thing again!"
"Excellent! Now run along. Take up knitting."
They fled. Subaru burst into the loot house.
Inside, Felt stood holding the insignia, with giant old Rom backing her up. Subaru kicked the door open with a flourish, Glock held loosely at his side.
"Alright folks! The game has changed. I'm here for the little miss with the crystal issues."
Felt's eyes went wide. Rom started to rise, club in hand. "Boy, you've got guts, but—"
Subaru raised the Glock and fired a single shot into the ceiling. Chunks of wood rained down on Rom's head.
Rom froze, staring at the smoking hole, then at the small smoking object. He slowly lowered his club.
"Guts?" Subaru smirked. "Nah. Just really good home security."
From a grimy corner, a small silver-haired figure gasped. Subaru's heart flipped. Emilia. Dirty and scared, but safe. He holstered the Glock in his waistband.
"Hey," he said softly. "You're Emilia-tan, right? Don't worry. The cavalry's here. And the cavalry brought snacks." He patted the Glock.
Later, at the entrance, Elsa Granhiert stood smiling her predatory smile.
"My, my," she purred, eyes fixed on Emilia. "Such a pretty little prize. Don't worry, this will only hurt—"
Bam!
Elsa's head snapped sideways as a bullet grazed her cheek. She touched the blood, expression shifting from predatory to bewildered.
Subaru stepped out of the loot house. "You know, for a master assassin, your situational awareness is terrible."
Elsa's eyes narrowed. "What trickery is this?" She drew a curved knife.
"Trickery? Just applied physics." He fired again.
Bam!
Elsa twisted with inhuman speed, the bullet tearing her cloak. Her eyes widened. This was faster than anything she'd ever dodged.
For the next few minutes, the alley became a surreal ballet. Elsa darted forward, only to be forced back by controlled bursts. Subaru, feet planted, tracked her calmly.
"Stand still, you little rat!" she shrieked.
"Stand still? Lady, you're doing the Riverdance impression!" Bam! "I'm just providing the beat!"
A shot caught her shoulder. Another tore through her thigh. She was fast, but not faster than 9mm. Her regeneration couldn't keep up.
Finally, bleeding from a dozen wounds, Elsa stumbled. She looked at the boy with genuine fear for the first time in her life.
"This... this isn't over," she gasped, before leaping onto a rooftop and disappearing.
Subaru didn't chase. He stood there, the Glock smoking gently. He looked at the gun, then at the retreating assassin, then back at the gun.
"Huh," he said. "Unlimited ammo. That's convenient."
He turned back to the loot house, where three pairs of eyes stared at him like he'd grown a second head.
"So," Subaru grinned. "Anyone want to explain what I just missed? Also, does anyone know a good gunsmith? I think I need a holster."
The silence was broken only by the faint tinkling of Felt dropping the royal insignia on the floor.