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Three weeks into their relationship Raphael drops a pamphlet on top of Simon’s lunch.
“Disgusting.” Simon says mildly as he picks carrot shavings off the underside before picking it up and reading the glossy title. “You’re Asexual, and that’s A-okay! I’m not asexual, Raph, what?” Raphael casts a look towards the heavens for help.
“Not you, dumbass. Me.” He says patiently as he slides into the bench across from Simon. “And if you value your life, don’t ever call me Raph again.”
“I’d place the value at twenty cents.” Simon muses absently as he peruses the tiny booklet. “Raphael, where did you get this?”
“I’d say you’re worth at least a quarter.” Raphael responds as he picks through Simon’s salad and helps himself to the bits he likes. “The LGBTQ center. Please don’t make me go back there again, the girl at the front desk talked to me for twenty minutes.”
“Human conversation isn’t as life-threatening as you make it out to be. Also, you could have just told me. This pamphlet is cute and all, but you didn’t have to go through the trouble.” Simon says, throwing the pamphlet back at Raphael and smiling at him. Raphael looks back at him steadily, his eyes bright.
“Yeah.” He says quietly. “But you know, you’re the first – you’re my first. Everything.”
Simon pauses with his fork halfway to his mouth and lets it clatter back to the table ungracefully. Predictably, because Simon isn’t Jace fucking Wayland, who makes every lucky shot ever, the fork misses his salad and instead falls to the ground, and he’s out a fork now but whatever because Raphael.
“I really like you.” Simon says in a rush. “And I’m not gonna pull a wham-bam-thank-you-m’am. I – like you because you’re gorgeous, yeah, but also because you look like you want to murder someone on a good day and it’s endearing.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Raphael says drily, his lips curving up into a smile.
.
“Do you want a job?” A blonde woman asks from next to Simon as he’s handing over money for unflattering graduation robes that he avoided buying until the last minute.
“Um?” Simon asks helplessly as the cashier hands over his package, already bored with him. The woman beckons and he follows her obediently to a table outside the store where Alec is sitting, a sullen expression on his face.
“Hi.” Simon tells him, bemused.
“Hi. I came out, and then my parents kicked me out.” Alec says by way of greeting. Simon blinks heavily as the mysterious woman snorts and sits down next to Alec.
“I’m…sorry.” Simon offers.
“No you’re not.” Alec responds crossly.
“No, I’m not.” Simon says, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. “Your parents make the Spanish Inquisition look nice. Plus, I know it’s not like you to not have a back-up plan.” Alec’s face does this weird thing where it tries to smile and Alec tries to shut all emotion off; the end result is him looking like he’s having a mild seizure.
“I’m the back-up plan. Lydia Branwell.” The blonde woman says.
“Hi.” Simon says back. “Back-up plan like you’re going to carry his baby…?” Alec gives him a look. “Right, sorry, God, look, I don’t have great social skills on the best of days. I don’t know what you expected.” He adds, looking at Alec. Alec huffs.
“Lydia and I are setting up an event-planning business. We’ve got investors lined up, and a few events already booked as a sort of test run. We need a numbers guy, though; there’s no way I can go through the shit I went through running Java Jace again.” Alec says in a rush, and then he blinks like he’s surprised with himself. “When I say it out loud, it doesn’t sound so bad.”
“I told you, it’s not that bad.” Lydia tells him, tossing her ponytail back. Simon’s a little afraid of the way her eyes narrow as she considers him. “Alec tells me you’re the best I can get.”
“Let’s lower our standards right away.” Alec says immediately. “I told you he was someone I could get, not the best.” Lydia gives Alec a look that makes Simon think that that’s not entirely true.
“I still have two weeks of college to go.” Simon points out. “I haven’t gotten my final results yet. I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth and all that, but this seems like a bad choice.”
“I’ve already gone down the path of working with people whose resumes were filled with meaningless platitudes.” Lydia says, drumming her nails against the table. “Frankly, I don’t give a fuck anymore. I like you, and I don’t often like people. Do you want the job or not?”
“Yeah, I do.” Simon says, his head reeling. “Did I just walk into an episode of Twilight Zone or something?”
“What about him could you possibly like?” Alec asks, rolling his eyes. Simon throws his wadded up receipt at him.
“That he does things like that, mostly.” Lydia says, smirking.
.
“Raphael! I got a job that pays me something other than minimum wage! I’ll only be a little poor, not a lot poor!” Simon calls as he lets himself into Raphael’s apartment. The man in question comes out of his room and leans against the door way.
“I know.” He says, jerking his head to Magnus and Alec cuddling on the sofa. “They told me.”
“Oh, fuck you.” Simon says crossly to Alec, and then he notices Jace and Clary sprawled across the rug. “Fuck you guys even more. Where’s the mystery? The surprise? ” Alec has the grace to look sheepish.
“It just sort of came up in conversation?” he says. Magnus coos over him and pets his face.
“Darling, your social skills leave much to be desired.” He says, and Alec flushes.
“I got you, didn’t I?” he asks quietly.
“And, that’s our cue to leave.” Jace says, doing a weird sort of half-flip to get off the ground and onto his feet.
“Nice moves, Wayland.” Clary says as she gets up and takes his hand.
“Yeah, you should try out for the ballet with that.” Simon adds snidely, because he can.
“Maybe I will.” Jace muses seriously. “I need a career change, don’t I?”
“You don’t have a career.” Alec says.
“I do, I’m an up-and-coming coffee connoisseur.” Jace corrects him. Simon rolls his eyes and makes a face at Raphael, who looks unimpressed but makes his way to stand near Simon anyway, because Simon’s irresistible.
“Congratulations.” Raphael says quietly as Alec and Jace bicker over Jace’s future and Clary wanders over to examine Magnus’ nail polish. Simon watches everyone for a moment, his heart constricting.
“Yeah.” He says, scrubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “I guess everything’s changing.” Raphael gives him a look.
“Don’t be so maudlin.” He says, and Simon snorts.
.
“What is this?” Raphael asks him.
“I think kids these days are calling it a date.” Simon says, waggling his fingers.
“This is a poetry reading, Simon.” Raphael argues, catching Simon’s hand and holding it. Simon tries to ignore the flutter of his heart. “I don’t like poetry.”
“All lies, you love it, don’t front. I’ve seen your book collection, idiot.” Simon says, leading them inside. “It’s an inspired date.”
“Inspired by too many Lifetime movies?” Raphael asks dubiously, but Simon shushes him as a mousy looking girl in glasses takes the stage.
Simon knows Raphael pretty well, and he knows that the asshole in question actually loves the poetry reading. His grip on Simon’s hand tightens at random moments, and Simon doesn’t get the poetry but he gets Raphael so he rubs his thumb across Raphael’s hand every time.
“Now, are you going to let me take you out for ice cream, or are you going to pretend you don’t like that too?” Simon asks once it’s over.
“I’ll pay.” Raphael says sheepishly, and Simon gently bumps shoulders with him because that’s as close to an admission of wrong as Raphael will get.
“My date, my treat.” Simon says happily. “Besides, I have a job now. I can do that sort of thing.”
“I have a job too.” Raphael says nonchalantly, and Simon pauses on the sidewalk.
“Raphael.” He says. “Do we need to have a talk about what constitutes an important announcement?”
“It’s not a big deal. I don’t know if I’m going to take it or not.” Raphael defends himself.
“Why?” Simon asks.
“It’s with the DuMort Corporation. They’re not bad, but the head, Camille Belcourt, is a bitch.” Raphael says, and then in a lower voice, “Dios, I can hear my mama’s voice in my head telling me to stop being disrespectful to women.” Simon grins, and resumes walking.
“If you say she’s a horrible person, she must be a horrible person, because you’re kind of a dick yourself. Anybody who can be worse than you is a bitch, in my opinion.” He says, laughing. Raphael punches him in the shoulder.
“I just – I don’t want to work for the wrong group.” Raphael admits quietly.
“Raphael, you don’t know what the wrong group is yet.” Simon points out reasonably. “Give it a chance. Are they going to pay you well?” Raphael shrugs and names a figure that has Simon stumbling over the sidewalk.
“Oh my God,” he wheezes, “you’re going to be like my sugar daddy.”
“You’re a year older than me.” Raphael says, perplexed. “That doesn’t work on any level.”
.
“What’s your sex life like?” Clary asks him when he drops by to see her at the studio. He splutters uselessly and topples over an empty easel.
“I’m a walking disaster.” Simon bemoans as he puts the easel back properly.
“You are.” Clary agrees, tilting her head thoughtfully. “Do you think this sketch properly conveys the feeling of innocence?”
“No.” Simon says warily. “It looks like a jungle and depravity.” Clary makes an unhappy noise.
“Thought so.” She says as she rips the page out and crumples it. Simon hastily catches it as she throws it towards the trash can.
“Someday you’ll thank me for keeping all your early sketches. I’ll make a lot of money off of having original Clary Morgenstern works.” Simon says as Clary gives him a look.
“Stop avoiding the question.” She tells him sternly. “Simon Lewis, how is your sex life?”
“It’s good, it’s great, really fucking awesome – ha ha, fucking – can we not talk about this?” Simon rambles. “Hey, is that Meliorn and Izzy over there?” he asks wildly, pointing to the window. Clary glances over for a second, and her eyes widen.
“You have really great timing, because it is.” She says.
“Is that a million dollars?” Simon tries, amazed. Clary looks out the window and shakes her head.
“Nope.” She says sadly. “Not working. I need to talk to Izzy, so shoo.”
Simon gratefully escapes.
.
“So, like, what do I do if my friends ask me about our sex life? Can I tell them the truth?” Simon asks later that night in bed. He’s supposedly finishing up his peer reviews for the last college assignment he’ll have to do, ever. Actually, he’s just got his laptop out and is running his hands through Raphael’s hair.
“That we don’t have a sex life?” Raphael asks lazily. He’s stretched out on the bed, legs carelessly thrown over Simon’s. Simon kind of really digs the fact that Raphael is so short that the heels of his feet only press against Simon’s calf.
“That’s you’re asexual.” Simon says sharply, twisting Raphael hair and pulling hard. Raphael turns around and props himself up on his arms, fixing Simon with an assessing look.
“Kiss me.” He says, instead of anything remotely related to the conversation, so Simon obliges and ducks down to suck Raphael’s lower lip into his mouth, one hand steadying his laptop and the other cupped around Raphael’s neck.
“Well, now that that’s done.” Simon says as Raphael draws away slowly, his eyes still half-closed. “You gonna tell me what’s going on?”
“Magnus was telling me about the asexuality spectrum.” Raphael says, burying his face in his pillow.
“Right.” Simon says, his hand dropping to stroke Raphael’s back. “And this has you in conniptions because?”
“You’re so insensitive.” Raphael manages to get out through a mouthful of expensive pillow.
“Not really,” Simon points out, “you’re an awful person and I’m slightly less of an awful person, and this is the only way to get to you.” Raphael snorts, but he doesn’t deny it.
“I don’t – I. It’s like, I’ve always thought – “ Raphael falters, turning his head and meeting Simon’s eyes.
“Hey.” Simon says gently. “Look at me. As charming as it is to see you stutter out your feelings, we really don’t have to talk about this. I can go back to pretending to do this peer review. I mean, Jordan’s not stupid, I don’t think, but he’s really pushing the limits of idiocy with what he wrote here about – “
“Not your accounting crap.” Raphael groans, and Simon makes an affronted noise. “Just shut it off and come to bed, please.”
“Fine.” Simon says, taking his glasses off and pinching the bridge of his nose as he closes his laptop. “But let it be known that Jordan is dumb.”
“Duly noted.” Raphael says drily, his eyes fond as Simon tangles their legs together and throws an arm around his waist.
.
“So when are you going to bring that boyfriend around?” Luke asks him. Simon spits out his mouthful of fried rice.
“What? Boyfriend? What – boyfriend. What boyfriend?” Simon splutters out, trying to make it sound like a real question.
“That one.” Luke says, pointing at Simon’s neck. Simon slaps a hand over the faint hickey he thought was covered up by his jacket.
“Um.” He says hysterically. “Never? He’s never coming around, you’re a police officer, that’s like – how did you even know?”
“Clary was here yesterday, and she told me about Raphael Santiago.” Luke says cheerfully. “Alaric and I already ran him through the database, don’t worry.”
“That’s not – now I am worried, that’s a ridiculous invasion of privacy.” Simon insists. Luke laughs.
“Do you want to know what we found or not?” he asks.
“Oh God yes.” Simon replies instantly.
“Well, Santiago’s as a good a boy as it gets. One arrest when he was a teenager for being in the middle of a fight that involved his brothers. He wasn’t even booked before the officer released him. Something about being a good Catholic boy.” Luke says.
“Yeah, he wears a cross around his neck and charms all the old ladies.” Simon says fondly.
“So he’s a good guy?” Luke asks craftily, his hand dropping to his sidearm.
“For God’s sake, aren’t you supposed to threaten him with the gun?” Simon asks, his voice going higher than he’d like.
“Answer the question, Simon.” Luke says patiently, a grin tugging at his lips.
“He’s a horrible person, actually.” Simon blurts out, displaying an astonishing lack of self-preservation skills. “Like, I’m pretty sure that Magnus and I make up about eighty percent of his moral compass. But he makes me so happy. And, like – it’s good. It’s really good, I promise.”
“Well, Clary seems to approve of him. I’m glad you’re happy, Simon.” Luke says, a genuine smile on his face now.
“Thanks.” Simon mumbles out.
“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Luke asks, pressing.
“Yeah.” Simon looks up. “I know.” He pushes a bit of rice around with his fork, and Luke waits him out patiently.
“It’s just – “ Simon starts, and then he stops. “He’s my first relationship. The first serious one, anyway. I feel like I should be trying harder.”
“Okay, Simon, you’re aware that a relationship isn’t like a video game, right? There’s no hard setting where you have to put in twice the effort.” Alaric says, coming over to lean against the booth where Luke and Simon are sitting.
“Wow.” Simon says. “Worst pep talk ever.”
“I thought it would appeal to your gaming tendencies.” Alaric defends himself, grinning. Simon rolls his eyes. If Luke’s like a father to him, Alaric’s like an annoying older brother.
“Should I make stupid cop puns again?” Simon threatens.
“Alright, stop it, you two.” Luke says, amused, looking between the two of them like he can’t quite believe what he’s in the middle of.
“He started it.” Alaric and Simon chorus together, and then break off laughing. Luke mutters something about ‘respectable officers of the NYPD’.
.
“Okay.” Clary says, in her serious voice. “I can’t stress how important this is.”
“Hear, hear.” Jace echoes somberly. Alec hides a laugh as a suspicious cough.
“I trust everyone in this room with my life.” She continues imperiously. “Even you, Raphael, though you’ve been banging my best friend and still rarely talk to me.” Simon chokes on nothing and Raphael pats his knee condescendingly.
“But I know one of you is lying.” She finishes. “And honestly, I’m just disappointed.” Everyone stays silent for a moment, processing that information.
“So we’re still killing Clary off, right?” Izzy asks, breaking the silence.
“Yes, I’m even surer that she’s the werewolf now.” Meliorn says, his eyes glinting. “All in favor?” Clary groans as every hand in the circle goes up.
“Fine!” She shrieks, throwing her card at the group. “Here you go! I was a villager! I hope you’re all happy.”
“I am.” Magnus says, flipping his card over to reveal a grinning wolf.
“So am I.” Jace says. “Sorry, babe, but all’s fair in love and war.” He adds, smirking as Clary lunges for him. The room breaks into chaos as everyone hurls accusations. Alec insists that people should listen to him for a change, and Izzy complaining loudly about backstabbers while Meliorn tries to strangle Magnus, for whatever reason.
“Wow.” Raphael says, blinking in the face of the screams and physical violence.
“I know.” Simon says placidly as he collects all the cards and tosses them into the center. “It’s like a group of toddlers.”
“And why aren’t you joining in?” Raphael asks with curiosity. Simon grins viciously.
“I only go batshit crazy when I’m the werewolf, and I win. Spoiler alert – if I’m the werewolf, I always win.” He says, and Raphael rolls his eyes.
“So arrogant.” Raphael muses.
“You’re one to talk.” Simon says back, snorting. “You’re consistently late to every date we have because you’re too busy checking yourself out in the mirror.”
“You like it.” Raphael answers simply, preening.
“I do.” Simon says, shaking his head. “I really do.” Raphael’s eyes soften imperceptibly and he places his cool fingers on Simon’s cheek, turning his head and pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.
“Aw.” Izzy coos as the room goes silent. Simon flushes a deep red.
“Don’t you all have better things to do?” Jace asks. “Here we are, playing a family-friendly game – “
“You’re right.” Raphael says, getting to his feet. “I do have something – someone, rather - better to do. Simon?” he asks, holding his hand out. Simon slaps a hand over his face at the snickers from around the room.
“Fuck you.” He says, mortified, as he takes Raphael’s hand and scrambles to his feet.
.
Two months into their relationship, Raphael drops a pamphlet on top of Simon’s lunch.
“Didn’t we already do this?” Simon wonders as Alec and Lydia look at him curiously. “I distinctly remember you already dropping things into my food. I’d really appreciate if you stopped doing this to my food.”
“Can I have moment alone with Simon, please?” Raphael asks politely. Lydia and Alec get up and move to Lydia’s office.
“Did you just come here from work?” Simon asks, taking in Raphael’s deep purple shirt and black vest. “Is this your lunch break? Is everything okay?”
“I just instigated a coup in my office.” Raphael says calmly, and Simon gapes at him.
“Have you gone insane?” Simon hisses, accidentally throwing his fork across his tiny office.
“Possibly.” Raphael allows. “I overthrew Camille. DuMort wants me as the head now.” Raphael taps his nails restlessly against Simon’s desk, and Simon unthinkingly covers his hand with his own.
“I’m really proud of you.” Simon says quietly, and he is. This may take the cake for ‘strange things my boyfriend does’, but Raphael already loves his job and would probably do anything to keep the company in its best shape. This apparently includes taking over its reins at the tender age of twenty-three.
“Thank you.” Raphael says, and he runs a hand through his hair.
“Woah, stop, stop, you’re messing up your hair – you probably spent like thirty minutes on that this morning, what the hell, dude?” Simon says, reaching up to take Raphael’s other hand as well. “Raphael, you’re shaking.”
“Don’t ever call me dude again,” Raphael says, looking up at Simon with terrified eyes, “also, the reason I came here is because I wanted to tell you that I want to have sex with you.”
Simon drops Raphael’s hands like he’s been burned. A hurt look passes over Raphael’s face before indifference slips over it, and Simon hastily grabs Raphael’s wrist before Raphael can do something stupid like, oh, leave right after dropping a bomb.
“Wait, wait, wait.” Simon says. He stand up, ignoring his half-eaten lunch, and pulls Raphael into an embrace. “Relax. Deep breaths, querido.”
“Your pronunciation is truly horrifying.” Raphael mumbles into Simon’s shoulders, but some of the tension leaves his shoulders and his hands finally relax against Simon’s waist.
“Okay, let’s talk about this.” Simon says. “You want to have sex with me?”
“You sounded a lot more excited for it when I imagined this conversation in my head.” Raphael notes as he pulls away from Simon.
“Yeah, well, in my head we never had this conversation.” Simon points out.
“I think – I’ve never wanted sex. Not until I met you.” Raphael says hesitantly. “It was terrifying, Simon, to walk around with such a different feeling. It went against everything in me to want sex. Magnus said I was on an asexual spectrum. I guess that’s – that’s it.”
“You know we don’t have to have sex, right?” Simon asks. “I can’t stress enough that I don’t need sex to be happy with you.”
“Yeah, but I want it.” Raphael says, looking at Simon like’s he’s stupid. Which, rude. “Didn’t I just say I want it?”
“I’m just trying to wrap my head around it!” Simon defends himself. “I’m Simon Lewis! I didn’t think I was special enough for this!”
“You – “ Raphael shakes his head and steps out of Simon’s arms. “What kind of idiotic statement is that? I’m dating you, aren’t I? Isn’t that enough to tell you you’re special to someone?”
“I guess you think it is!” Simon says crossly. He has no idea why they’re practically fighting over this. “Excuse me for being a little unsure of myself!”
“You have no reason to be.” Raphael cries, throwing his hands up. “Am I not saying I choose you when I go on dates with you? When I kiss you? When I tell you that I want to have sex with you?”
“No!” Simon says vehemently, surprising even himself. “All it’s telling me is that you want to have sex with me! Great! Before today, the only remotely romantic thing you said to me was that you woke up at five in the morning to see me!”
“Is that what this is about?” Raphael asks with a stunned look on his face. “You don’t think I’m romantic enough?” Simon opens his mouth, and then closes it. There’s no way to take back that sentence. Now more than ever Simon wishes he had some sort of mouth-to-brain filter.
“I’m sorry.” He says tiredly to Raphael. “I don’t think that, I promise.” Raphael laughs bitterly.
“That’s convincing.” He says scathingly. Simon rubs a hand across his eyes.
“Raphael.” Simon says pleadingly. “I like you. I like when you say awful things about everyone, and the way you play the piano, and how you hold my hand. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. It’s new for me too, and the last thing I want to do is force you into something you don’t want. I’m sorry.” He repeats. Raphael takes a deep, shuddering breath.
“I need to get back to the office.” He says, not meeting Simon’s eyes. “I’m not angry, but I just need some time to think. I’ll see you at my place.” Raphael turns to leave. He turns back a second later, like he can’t help himself, and presses a desperate kiss to Simon’s lips that has Simon staggering back, clutching Raphael’s hips like a lifeline.
“I really do want it.” He whispers fiercely against Simon’s lips, and then he’s gone, leaving Simon with the most confusing hard on of all time.
.
That night, Raphael crawls into bed late, startling Simon awake.
“You’re fucking terrifying, you know that?” Simon asks, whispering because Magnus and Alec are asleep in the other room.
“You terrify me.” Raphael responds easily. “I’ve never wanted someone like I want you, and I never – never – thought that someone would want me back despite my feelings about sex. I know you do.” He says, shushing Simon’s ready retort with a finger on his lips. “You’re unbelievably special, baby, and I’m sorry that you ever thought you weren’t.”
“I didn’t.” Simon says, “I didn’t, and that’s the thing. I’m just really good at saying the wrong things. You don’t say it, but you don’t need to, Raphael. I know you.” He presses a tiny kiss to Raphael’s finger, and Raphael inhales sharply.
“Thank you for trusting me with this.” Simon says, and he doesn’t specify but Raphael knows what he means.
They surge together for a kiss, hot and sinfully dirty – Simon can’t believe Raphael is a Catholic, the way he uses his tongue - and Raphael moans as Simon’s nails rake down his back.
“You’re sure?” Simon asks breathlessly, asks once, asks because he needs to know.
“Yeah.” Raphael whispers to him, rolling his hips up. “With you, yeah.”
.
“So how is the sex?” Clary asks him again. “It’s just really unlike you to not brag about sex when you actually get laid.”
Simon thinks about the way Raphael had looked that morning when he was getting ready for work, so ridiculously put together in his blue suit that Simon had kissed him senseless and then sucked him off right then and there. He thinks about how Raphael hid Simon’s phone last night, just to be an ass. And he thinks about Raphael gently prodding him to bed when he fell asleep over his laptop, kissing his forehead reverently and whispering endearments in Spanish.
“The sex is amazing,” Simon says, smiling helplessly, “but unimportant. The rest of it – the rest of it is even better.”