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He woke up in a bed that felt foreign to him, but which he unfortunately knew perfectly well. Every inch of the mattress was covered with him, his scent, his tears and his blood. The bed was no different from a rock, hard and cold, with no way to cover himself. On the bare floor, covered in unknown dirt, clothes on the floor, strands of hair, dead skin and brown drops of blood, dried from the time he had been locked up there without being able to leave.
He looked around in disbelief, back in the place he had struggled so hard to escape from. Had his teammates betrayed him? No, the Trojans could never do this to him. He had begun to trust them, Cat and Laila, his partner, the team he started to consider a family. They couldn't do this to him. Jean tried to sit up in bed, but a sharp pain shot through his spine from top to bottom, causing him to look back at the ceiling, unable to move. He thought again, thinking about how he had ended up in the Nest, back where he started, in the hell from which it was impossible to survive.
Perhaps this was his destiny, to die where he had learned to survive, to let himself die for those who had given him a life, a miserable life.
Jean turned his neck, trying to look towards the door, his head felt heavy and therefore moving his neck was the most difficult thing to do.
He managed to fix his gaze on the door, which was half-open, the darkness on the other side seeping into the room. It was a darkness he was used to, a darkness typical of crows. The poor visibility prevented him from seeing beyond the doorframe. There was no hallway, no windows through which the light could enter. Unlike Laila's bright flat, the Nest did not allow a single ray of light to enter. The plants were dead, colourless and the room smelled of death.
He couldn't believe where he was. He had begun to get used to the warmth of the Trojans, he had gotten used to calling them “his” family, and above all, he had gotten used to Jeremy, to having his own Sun always by his side, and now he had no one. The light in the room gradually faded, and for the first time, Jean allowed himself to be afraid, afraid of dying.
He tried to move, but his body remained tied to the bed, to his grave. He could go nowhere but die in that hole. His eyes began to glaze over, something he had never allowed himself to do during his years as a Raven. Tears threatened to escape, roll down his cheeks and fall onto the mattress, dampening his back, causing shivers, wanting this nightmare to end.
Jean closed his eyes, convincing himself that it was a nightmare, that it was a lie and his mind was playing tricks on him. Then he remembered what his psychologist had told him: “Don't focus on what your mind is telling you, don't let it play with you, you have power over those thoughts”. Jean had tried to control every thought in his head, but sometimes they were more powerful than him. The psychologist never told him what he was doing wrong, never told him to try harder. She encouraged him to not lose hope every time his thoughts were harmful and led him to die. Jean saw himself in that room, sitting on the couch, with the doctor in front of him, taking notes and not forcing him to do anything.
That room had so many windows, through which light was always welcomed, the room was warm, even on the darkest days of winter. The armchairs were placed against a wall, under a window that was always open, allowing in the breezes that helped Jean maintain his composure and not lose his sanity. That place made him feel both safe and exposed. He did not like to open up to others, especially strangers, but those walls did not seem like barriers to him, and the open windows made him feel capable of fleeing if he felt afraid. Staying in that place was better than staying in the Ravens' dark room, walls without windows and an opaque darkness that did not allow a single ray of sunlight to pass through the door.
Jean kept his eyes closed, trying to wake up from the nightmare. He knew he wasn't at the Nest, he knew he was no longer a Raven, he knew that everyone except him was dead, he knew he was at home, in Laila's flat, and he knew that Jeremy had stayed over that night after finishing training later than planned. They had gone out for dinner at a fast food place where Cody had invited Jean despite his complaints about “wasting” his money. Everyone had a good time. It was almost midnight, and the girls wouldn't let Jeremy leave on his own. Who cared what his mother thought? She probably thought her son was sleeping with the first boy he had met on the street. Who cared what that old woman thought?
Jean let Jeremy sleep in the same bed as him, as they hadn't bought a bed for Jeremy yet. He said he didn't need one, that he would go home to sleep every day after training. He still remembered how Jeremy had rejected that proposal. He didn't want to make Jean uncomfortable during the night, nor did he want to cross any boundaries on purpose. He remembered how he had repeated several times that he didn't mind, that he sleep better knowing Jeremy was by his side and rest better knowing Jeremy was safe with them.
His mind wandered through all those memories he had tried so hard to keep, he saw all the people he had learned to love, he saw all of them, he even allowed himself to admit it, and beg to return to them, to a safe life, a life with a future, which for the first time Jean could see clearly. He opened his eyes and was still in that bed. It seemed real, and he could hear Riko's voice whispering in his ear that he could never escape the Nest, no matter how far he went, travelled or moved, he would always belong to the Ravens, a past he could not escape and which owned him.
His whole body began to ache again, the shiver in his spine and the tension in his calf muscles returned, along with the stomach pain and the urge to vomit. He was still trapped and didn't know what to do. His anxiety increased and his chest felt like it was going to burst at any moment. It felt like the air was running out, his lungs were getting smaller and smaller, and someone was suffocating him. He felt the pressure of hands on his neck, saliva he couldn't swallow, and then he tried to fight back. He tried to fight back, his hands let loose from the bed and tried to free himself from the hands that were choking him, tearing his throat, nails digging into his skin causing blood, ripping off his skin, and then, some seconds later, for the first time he was able to sit up. The back pain was a minor problem now, he was fighting for his life, but he was fighting alone.
As he tried to shake off the hands around his neck, he began to hear a voice again. A voice he couldn't make out, but which drove him crazy, a voice that fought with his thoughts. Jean couldn't stand any more noises in his head; he wanted to tear it off, he wanted to get rid of his mind. The hands tearing at his neck moved to his ears, trying somehow to stop hearing everything, the noise of his thoughts, the unknown voice and Riko's whispers, which were intensifying, and Jean, after almost a year and a half, felt vulnerable again at the thought of Riko hurting him. It wasn't an entirely fictional thought. The pain in his ribs was caused by his breathing as they drowned him in a lake of blood and his legs gave up. For the hundredth time, Riko won, while Kevin just watched, unable to do anything or unwilling to do anything.
Jean knew, in part, that Kevin did not want to hurt him. He was well aware of the relationship between the two of them, between the second and the third, between someone who could leave and someone who had to die in order to be saved. From Jean's point of view, Kevin was a traitor who looked him in the eyes and left. He was someone he resented, but that resentment was mixed with another old feeling, a love that died with Jean, a love that remained in the Nest, and a love that was exchanged for hatred.
His hands continued covering his ears, trying to silence the voices in his head, trying somehow to keep them quiet, even though it was something he hated. Kevin's thought had made him feel worse, his heart had begun to beat faster, although he didn’t know if it was out of fear, fear that someone he loved would abandon him again.
After that thought, a ray of sunshine seemed to peek through the shadows of Jean's mind. It was something the Frenchman knew, the same scent, the same melody. A voice he knew well, but he couldn't focus on it. Jeremy, Jeremy Knox was calling him. Perhaps it was a sign that it was all a dream, that he wasn't really alone and no one had abandoned him. Jean knew very well how his mind had played tricks on him, but it was something he couldn't help, let alone control. He waited for the illusion to end, got used to the pain and closed his eyes tightly.
He could feel Jeremy's warm hand on his chest, whispers that for the first time were not death threats, and a light invading the room where his mind was. Jean wanted to get out of there, he wanted to go back to where he could be a little less sad and a little happier, he wanted to go back home, but this time his home was on LA with his Jeremy, leaving behind his hometown in France, leaving behind other important people whom he couldn't save. I guess Jean wasn't that different from Kevin.
After falling back into his thoughts, Jean managed to escape from that overwhelming room, and then he opened his eyes slowly due to the rays of sunlight coming through the window of his room, on Laila's flat, which prevented him from seeing clearly. He blinked several times slowly, making no effort to get up, remaining in the same position in which he had fallen asleep and had the nightmare. Jeremy's hand was still on his chest, above his heart, covering it in a bubble so it wouldn't get cold.
Jean's head was empty, there were no thoughts and no voices. He could hear the birds in the street, Jab's heavy breath next to the bed, and he could still feel Jeremy's worried gaze. He had stayed to sleep with them, as Laila had not allowed him to return home alone so late at night. Although he knew very well that the next day his mother would yell at him for not coming home earlier and would not let him explain himself. His mother was the kind of woman who yelled at you for anything and then never listened to you, as she always had to be right.
Jeremy had stayed and accepted, telling them the excuse of looking after Jab, but he knew he had also accepted so he could spend more time with Jean. Jeremy felt a great responsibility for Jean's protection and health. He had promised Kevin that Jean would be recovered before the start of the new season, but keeping that promise had been more difficult than planned. Jeremy had managed to get Jean out of his own bubble, but he still couldn't keep him away from the Nest. At the end of the day, Jean had lived his entire adolescence in that place and had grown up distrusting people. Jean trusted his partner, but he didn't know how much.
He finally managed to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was Jeremy by his side. Jeremy had smiled when he saw Jean come back to himself. Jeremy's delicate smile had helped him return to reality. He had focused on his lips and the freckles around them, looked up into his eyes and found the sparkle of relief in the brown. Jeremy was beautiful, the dawn light coming through the window highlighting Jeremy's blond hair and tan skin. He looked like someone out of a sports modelling magazine. His muscles were exposed, and Jean couldn't help but stare at them. Jeremy was still waiting for Jean to say something, never rushing him to speak.
“I'm fine,” he said in a whisper. He had to clear his throat to make his voice clearer and realised that his throat was dry.
“I just need some water.”
Jeremy got out of bed and headed to the door. “I'll bring you a glass of water,” he said, and disappeared down the corridor. Jean found himself alone again, but this time he wasn't afraid. He was in a safe place where he knew no one could hurt him. He knew Jeremy was with him and would be back with his glass of water. He closed his eyes, with no intention of falling asleep again, and waited until he heard Jeremy's footsteps approaching the room.
“Hey, how are you feeling? You look a bit pale,” said Jeremy, placing the glass on the bedside table.
“Again.”
Jeremy didn't need any further explanation to know what he was referring to: the same nightmare over and over again, the one that always tormented him before matches. The same nightmare he couldn't get used to.
“I'm so sorry, Jean. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”
Jeremy's kind voice, the favour he offered with no compensation other than Jean's health, who had not been able to rest well for several days, fearing that this type of insomnia would prevent him from giving his all in the final matches, which would mark the end of the Trojans or victory.
“You don't have to do anything.”
“Even though it's not my obligation, I want to. I care about you and I want you to be okay,” Jeremy said.
Not even Jean knew how his mind or body worked, he didn't know what allowed him to relax and let his guard down. Jeremy was someone who, in fact, made him feel calm, but he could never relax, his body seemed to go on alert when he was near the blond man, his cheeks began to burn, and his eyes seemed not to know where to look. Jeremy made him nervous.
Jean looked him in the eyes for a few seconds before looking away towards the window. It was 6 a.m., the sun was beginning to rise, the streets were no longer dark, and the streetlights were turning off. Jean could feel the heat radiating from Jeremy's body. Even though they were at a safe distance, the Frenchman was too aware of Jeremy and couldn't think clearly.
“I can tell you stories about my first years with the Trojans.”
“And how is that exactly going to help me to sleep?” Jean asked with a hint of irony, redirecting his attention to Jeremy's freckles.
“I thought maybe my voice would help you to fall asleep,” he said, creating a few seconds of silence between them. The apartment had not yet awakened, everything was quiet, except for the breathing of the people sleeping on the other side of the walls.
“All right,” Jean agreed, not quite sure if Jeremy's plan would work, not quite sure if he would have the strength to get up again. “But don't wait for me, go to training.”
“But I can stay and take care of—”
“No, please, don't lose your last chances because of me,’ Jean interrupted, with the only strength he had left. His body was tired and his mind wasn't working properly at that moment. “I'm only going to rest. I'll be better in a while.”
Jeremy looked at him with concern. He was afraid that Jean would overdo it, but also that he would disappear overnight. He was afraid to leave him alone, he knew very well what he was capable of. He still remembers in detail Kevin's call, Jean's information, and everything that happened before they arrived in California. Jeremy knew who had pulled him out of that bathtub. He knew that Jean never mentioned what happened in the Foxes Tower or in the Nest ever again. The psychologist told Jean that the brain was responsible for hiding the most severe traumas so that the person could survive and continue building a life.
Jean was safe, he was in no danger with the Trojans, and even less under the same roof as Laila and Cat. But Jeremy was still afraid of seeing Jean die, he even had nightmares about the possibility of losing his partner, it was another of Jeremy's biggest fears.
“Promise me you'll be okay, that when I come back you'll still be here,” he asked Jean, knowing that he hated promises, but he had to try, he had to save him.
“You know I don't like to make promises,” he said, and looked as if he was going to continue, but then fell silent. He couldn't promise Jeremy something he had no control over. He hated himself for worrying him like that. Jean knew how much Jeremy cared for him, he knew how much he meant to Jeremy and the rest of the Trojans, but he couldn't help being overcome by the desire to end all the pain as quickly as possible.
“I know, but…” Jeremy tried to think of a way to convince Jean to take care of himself while they were out training, but the words wouldn't come. He didn't know how to comfort a heart that no longer beat. So he just leaned over and kissed Jean on the forehead, starting to tell him a story about the Trojans.
When they were all one, when they all looked out for each other, when the only concern was Jeremy and the situation with his family. The times he fought with his mother to continue with Exy, the other times he didn't come home at night because he had stayed with some random boy, or even when Rehmann offered to let him stay with them in a safer place than with a stranger.
There were a thousand stories to tell about each of them, about Cat when she bought her first motorbike, when she had a minor accident, but they all went to visit her in hospital, and when Laila and Cat started dating. They were both very obvious and the attraction was mutual from the start.
Xavier, when he came out to the team as trans and everyone supported him throughout. When the new Trojans found out that the coach and his “friend” were actually dating and living together.
But above all, when they found out that Jean, a former Raven, was going to stay with them. Everyone was unsure about the idea of having a Raven among them, but Jeremy, the captain, knew how to chill the situation. He had spoken to Kevin, he knew him better than anyone, and Jeremy trusted Kevin. If Jean was sent from the Fox Tower to California with the Trojans, it had to be for a good reason, so everyone decided to give him a chance.
Jean arrived and everyone treated him normally, but when he wasn't around, they discussed what was right or wrong to say in front of him. All the Trojans cared enough to make Jean feel at home and as a part of the family.
“Don't feel bad about me, you don't have the fault for everything that’s happened to me,’ Jean whispered, falling asleep. Listening to Jeremy tell stories was working, they were always funny stories. Jeremy knew how to always see the bright side of things, and Jean liked that. He knew he could count on Jeremy. “I want you to know that I'm very happy to be with you. I've been very lucky.”
But Jeremy didn't think so. Jean hadn't been lucky. Jean shouldn't have ended up with the Trojans like that. Jean deserved to live a normal life in France with his sister and family. He hadn't been lucky. He had survived, and Jeremy wanted Jean to live.
“No, it wasn't good luck, you deserved a normal life, you shouldn't have had to try to survive, but rather enjoy living," said Jeremy in the same tone as Jean. He didn't want to argue with him, as he had managed to get Jean to fall asleep.
“Maybe in another life, I would have been happier.” Jean fell asleep, saying nothing more. His breathing slowed, his chest rising and falling at a slower rate than before, and the only sound in the room was Jab's snoring. Jeremy stayed with Jean for a few minutes. He loved him. He loved that French accent mixed with English. He loved how his moles formed constellations, and most of all, he loved how Jean's eyes were always on him.
Those feelings stabbed Jeremy in the chest, bleeding him dry inside, knowing that they would never be reciprocated. Jean was going to die, and he couldn't stop it. He had never been able to prevent any death. Perhaps the next one would be his own.
“I hope there is another one,” said Jeremy, leaving Jean to sleep, leaving the door half-open, and leaving the flat to train.
Everyone hoped there would be another life, that they would have another chance. At least Jean and Jeremy deserved another chance, they both deserved to enjoy their time.
And time passed, but not for them, two dead bodies, abandoned somewhere in California, with no one to protect them, just them and a pile of dirt. They dreamed of another life, and they were living another life, but never the real one.
“There must be a better place, beyond this life, beyond death,” Jean said to himself, once asleep, dreaming this time with his family, the Trojans, and a better life. Dreaming about Jeremy, the one he loved, and would never be able to tell him, Jeremy would never know, and he would die without knowing. “There must be another life where I can fall in love with you again.”
But Jeremy was gone, he had gone to training, he was going to die far away from Jean, as in his other lives, and then he regretted it, he regretted dying, because only in this universe was Jean with Jeremy, only in this universe were they both together, and it was the only one in which Jean loved Jeremy.
Noon arrived when the Trojans had finished their training. The locker-room was filled with sighs and a slight murmur, everyone coming in and out of the showers, each of them preparing for their own day, one that themselves had to overcome, no one was going to help them, they were alone, like the rest of the world.
Jeremy was waiting to return to the flat, but they still had to eat. Laila and Cat weren't going to let him leave without eating something after exercising, they were also worried about Jean, but they had to keep Jeremy alive yet.
They went to eat on campus. Laila drank her bubble tea, which she shared with Cat, Jeremy ate a peach that Cody had given him, and the rest of them went to the nearest café. Everything seemed to be going well, the sun lit up the streets, the sky was completely blue, and there was a gentle breeze. It was a perfect day to go to the beach, but none of them had the time.
That same sun also shone through the window of Jean's room, with an unmade bed, his trainers beside it and no Frenchman in it.
The boy was in the kitchen, not knowing what to do, not knowing if he was already dead or still alive. His body felt heavy, but he couldn't think of anything, his mind was disconnected. Maybe this was another life, he had to try, he had to die in order to live again.
Before he died, he went to the beach, took a walk with Jab and ate an ice cream, took photos of the sky and saved them in his phone to send to Jeremy later in the day. He lay down on the sand and let the wind ruffle his hair. The sand stuck to his clothes, but he didn't care. He let the sea, the cold water, pet him. The water didn't seem so threatening this time, the smell of salt filled his lungs, and he didn't feel the need to run away.
———
They arrived late, the sky was clouding over and the breeze was turning cold. The three of them entered the flat, but there was no one there, not even Jab came out to greet them. At that moment, Jeremy knew what had happened. Cat and Laila called Jean, but his ringtone was coming from the bedroom; he had left his phone at home and would be back soon.
Jeremy went out to look for him anyway. If he had only gone out to walk Jab, he couldn't have gone very far. Jean didn't feel safe going out alone in Los Angeles, but he always went for walks on the beach with Jab, a pretty place he had discovered thanks to the Trojans.
Jean was there, on the beach, in the sea. Jean had died once again, but this time his heart had stopped beating.
They spent the day at the beach. It was a perfect day. They loved each other, and at the end of the day, they said goodbye. This time, Jean didn't have any nightmares, so Jeremy didn't have to stay with him.
They said goodbye for the last time. They would see each other again, maybe not tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, but in another life.