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Maya can feel her wife watching her.
She has been for the past ten minutes since she came back from the bathroom.
It's still early, the morning light trying its best to strain through the curtains but it's struggling, the effort weak and watery.
Maya estimates she got two, maybe three, hours of broken sleep at best.
She feels the bed shift behind her and Carina's arm brush over her shoulder.
“Bambina, are you awake?”
Maya sighs with a slight nod, pulling the blankets closer to her chest but not turning her head.
She doesn't want to look at Carina, she's embarrassed.
“How are you feeling this morning?” Carina asks, her voice still soft.
Painfully soft.
Maya shrugs, rubbing her eyes with her knuckles.
“Try and put it into words amore mio. Can we try the number system?”
Even though Maya's entire body feels like lead she can hear the worry in Carina's voice so she slowly turns herself over, getting tangled in the blankets in the process which Carina gently frees her from.
No judgement.
No issue.
Just gentle care.
“How's the heaviness?” Carina asks, seeking out Maya's hand under the blankets and giving it a squeeze.
Maya mulls it over for a moment, trying to take stock of her body. Which is difficult when she's just feeling numb.
“Maybe a five … or a six.”
Carina nods, her brown eyes filled with concern. “Okay bambina, thanks for telling me. How's the brain fog?”
Maya's brow furrows. “I dunno … a lot.”
She kind of hates this system, but she likes it at the same time. They had come up with it when Carina had moved back into the apartment after Maya's 5150, as a way for Maya to communicate her feelings without having to go into too much detail.
Simple.
Efficient.
Reliable.
“Bambina? Do you have a number for the brain fog?”
Maya blinks, not realising she'd gone into her own little world.
“Like an 7 … and a half”
“Nausea?”
“Three.”
“That's good, much better than it has been. What about exhaustion?”
Maya sighs. She hates admitting she's tired. But she's barely slept in days.
“8,” she mumbles, squeezing her eyes shut.
“Va bene,” Carina whispers softly, giving Maya's hand another squeeze and then reaching over and pressing a kiss to her forehead.
Maya can't help her eyes welling up.
“Those numbers tell me you're probably not up to fighting fires today. Would you agree with me?”
Maya sighs with a tiny nod. Her arms were shaking just with the effort of turning herself over in bed and she's so spaced out that she can't remember what Carina was saying to her two minutes ago.
At one time Maya would have gone to work anyway, because that was her routine.
And if there was an accident because of her depressive state?
Well so be it.
But now she has a wife to come home to. A wife and a little boy and a bump that's only just started to show but Maya already loves with her whole heart.
She reaches over to her nightstand for her phone, fumbling around a little until she picks it up, squinting at the bright light that hits her face. She then dials Andy's number, taking a deep but shaky breath as she waits for the line to connect.
“Bishop! Why do I have the pleasure of speaking to you so early?”
“DeLuca-Bishop,” Maya mumbles, a slight smirk on her face.
“I stand corrected. What's up?”
Maya sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Umm … my brain has kinda taken a real nose dive, I don't feel safe to work today. So I'm calling in sick I guess…” she trails off, not quite sure how to finish her sentence.
“Alright Maya, thank you for letting me know. Look after yourself, okay?”
Maya hums a little and then drops the phone onto the pillow beside her, pinching the bridge of her nose again. Her head is throbbing, her eyes hurting from the lack of sleep.
Carina’s hand brushes over her head again but Maya flinches; her hair is limp and greasy, showering has felt like too much effort. “I’m proud of you bambina.”
Maya doesn't say anything, trying to blink the wetness out of her eyes.
“You did, I promise. Calling into work was the right decision, you’re protecting yourself and your team.”
Carina’s lips are soft against her forehead and Maya takes a shaky breath, staring up at the ceiling. “Do you want to get up? Or stay in bed a little longer?”
The question catches Maya off guard and she blinks.
She should get out of bed. She shouldn’t let Carina do everything again this morning, especially when she’s only just gotten over the morning sickness and exhaustion of her first trimester. She should help with Liam, or make her wife breakfast, or put some laundry in the machine.
Something.
“You don’t have to get up. And if you do, you don’t have to do anything.”
Maya considers it for a moment. Her limbs are starting to hurt from lying down for so long, her joints protesting at the lack of movement.
“I could get Liam out of his crib,” she sighs softly, starting to push herself up although her arms are shaky and unreliable. Carina steps in and supports her with an arm around her shoulders, no questions asked.
“Va bene. I’ll see you downstairs?”
Maya nods, her mouth tugging into a small smile as Carina kisses her cheek before getting out of bed herself and making her way down the stairs. The blonde takes another moment or two to herself before she gets up, steading herself with a hand on her nightstand as she wobbles slightly, her head spinning.
She definitely hasn’t been eating enough.
Crossing the hallway she pushes open Liam’s bedroom door carefully, the soft light from his plug-in elephant nightlight bathing the room in a warm glow.
“Hi probie,” Maya whispers, reaching down to stroke his chubby cheek. Liam blinks up at her, grabbing his foot and trying to put it in his mouth. He gurgles something akin to a hello, reaching one hand out for his mommy.
“So buddy, you get to hang out with me today instead of going to daycare. How does that sound?”
Liam squeaks before he sneezes dramatically, dropping his foot and reaching both arms up, grunting in frustration until Maya reaches down and picks him up under the arms, resting him against her hip.
After changing his diaper, thankfully just a wet one (Maya isn’t sure her nausea could have handled a poopy one right now) she heads downstairs to the kitchen where she can hear her wife pottering about, humming to herself.
“Buongiorno bambino,” Carina coos as soon as she sees Liam, reaching over to tickle his little cheek and kiss him on the forehead. “I have coffee for you already my love and a slice of toast, just plain butter so nothing too rich for you.”
Maya blinks in confusion.
“You didn’t have to make me breakfast,” she whispers, taking in the simple meal placed in front of her spot at the table.
Her wife shrugs, bringing her own coffee and bowl of granola, yoghurt and berries to the table. “I was making my own breakfast and you were getting Liam up. It’s no problem bambina, really.”
She doesn’t really know what to say so Maya puts Liam in his highchair, fastening a bib around his neck and then taking his bowl of oatmeal from Carina, giving it a stir and blowing on it to cool it down. Liam catches sight of it and kicks his legs against the underside of the high chair tray excitedly.
Again a small smile tugs at Maya as she scoops up a spoonful and brings it to Liam’s mouth, his little hand wrapping around hers as he devours the spoonful of his favourite breakfast.
“Try a bite of your toast with each spoon you give to Liam,” Carina suggests softly from across the table.
Mays sighs heavily, gazing towards her toast with trepidation.
Her appetite is always the first thing to go when her mental health dips.
She knows the reasons behind it. She knows what not eating does to her body.
It doesn’t help her work through it though.
She glances over at her wife and despite the fact that she’s trying to keep her face neutral Maya can see the worry lurking behind her eyes. And Maya hates worrying her wife. So despite the fact that she doesn’t really care about herself right now she does care about her wife so she picks up her toast, knowing that Carina will be less concerned if she eats something.
It tastes like wet cardboard in her mouth and she struggles to chew and swallow it, but she does it.
For her wife.
Breakfast continues to be a quiet affair, mostly just Liam’s babbling and demands to be fed filling the early morning fragility of the kitchen.
Once she’s finished her granola Carina stands up and clears the table before walking over to the refrigerator and taking out her own lunch.
“Bambina?”
“Hmm?”
“I’ve still packed your lunch as if you were going to work today. So when it comes to lunchtime you just need to grab it out the fridge and it’s ready to go, okay? Same with Liam’s lunch, his was ready to go for daycare so I’ve just left it as is.”
The kindness and consideration catches Maya off guard and she bursts into tears, Carina rushing over to her and crouching in front of her as she takes her cheeks in her hands, brushing away tears with her thumbs.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay bambina. Deep breaths.”
Maya hiccups, her breath catching in her throat as she tries to get enough of it in.
“I don’t -” Maya hiccups, Carina brushing her thumbs under her eyes again. “I don’t deserve this.”
“Oh bambina,” Carina sighs. “You do, I promise. You deserve all the love and care in the world. I would do the same if you had a cold, or a stomach bug, or if you were injured. You would do the same for me too. Mental health not being good is no more shameful than your physical health being bad, I promise.”
Maya takes a deep breath, her nose blocked and her eyes watering.
“I know, I just-”
“Lo so amore mio. You don’t need to explain it to me, I know. Would it help if I called at lunchtime and we can eat lunch together?”
Maya pauses. It would help, it really would. But she shouldn’t have to need her wife to call her just to make sure she eats.
“I don’t want to be needy,” Maya whispers, looking down at her lap.
“Oh bambina. You’re not being needy, you’re being human. If it makes it easier, I can call you at lunchtime. Then I get to see you and our pulcino which always makes my day better.”
Maya gives a resigned nod, feeling Carina lean in and kiss away the tears still sitting on her cheeks.
“Allow yourself some softness today bambina. Allow yourself some comfort, you deserve it. Prometto.”