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Black hair. Tresses of inky black hair were all Izumi could see – it simply fell and fell and fell until it abruptly ended and pooled onto the floor by her side.
Black is a simple colour. It carries no particular feeling or personality, no unique statement or emotion, nearly nothing at all. It is inert and tired and nobody would ever think twice about it. But when it, against better judgement, is placed on a canvas, it invades the page in such a violent way that any novice would be lost as to what to do.
Perhaps a professional would know. Perhaps someone more experienced in the field of art and colour would know how to handle black on a canvas. However, Izumi wasn’t well versed in the arts, and had no intention of becoming so any time soon.
Sometimes it feels like the most obvious decision, to bathe a dark painting in black. But Izumi’s world felt like anything but obvious in that moment. She felt like a simple sheet of paper drenched in that lightless excuse of a colour.
It was almost suffocating, spreading over her body like a myriad of cracks threatening to break her into pieces – but, she surmised, not painful. It doesn’t hurt to feel this way. It hurts less than when I’m with Yuu-kun.
And it definitely hurts less than when I’m with Leo-kun.
The girl’s apricot hair crossed her mind for a moment before being drowned in shadow.
All too familiar scarlet eyes observed her, trying their hardest to crawl into her thoughts. Ritsu had always been good at that – simply knowing things about other people. She wouldn’t be surprised if Knights’ strategist started narrating her own thoughts to her. It would be easier than trying to do it herself.
It was far easier to pretend she was used to this, to run her brush over the canvas as if she knew what she was doing. To imitate a master. Because that’s how everyone starts, isn’t it? And it made her feel better, didn’t it?
She felt a hand run gently through her scalp. Of course, it belonged to nobody but the vampire who was kneeling over her. Ritsu’s fingers dragged across her skull like a boat across water, leaving a strangely pleasing sensation in its wake. Her long, smooth nails felt like tiny poisoned spires – paralysing Izumi wherever they went.
“Secchan, who are you thinking of right now~? Your eyes keep drifting.”
Izumi forced her eyes to the girl above her. They both donned the typical Knights uniform, having just wrapped up a late night show. The other three – Leo-kun, Naru-kun, and Kasa-kun – were already long gone. They’d probably made the better decision of getting back to the Seisoukan dorms early enough to get a full night’s sleep.
Izumi usually would have done the same. But being alone in the dressing room with that vampire…
Well, she should have expected it to turn out this way.
Those lips she was so familiar with by now descended on her, flooding her mouth with a taste she could recognise anywhere. After all, this wasn’t the first time. It was a while before she collected her thoughts and pulled away.
She was smart enough to know it wasn’t right, but she craved someone who wouldn’t run away from her, for once. She didn’t want to be suffocated with love, either. She wanted a middle ground, where someone would run after her, where she was the one to eventually cut the string.
Ritsu grabbed her all of a sudden, just as she had many times before, and held her tightly to her own cold body. Her hands gently trembled, as they had before. Her voice shook, as it had before. But of course, they both pretended to ignore it.
“You know that you’re the only one who cares about me, Secchan.”
“I know.”
“And I treasure you more than anything. Maybe even Maa-kun. You know that, Secchan?”
“I do.”
“Maa-kun doesn’t care about me any more. She never spends time with me anymore.”
“Trickstar’s been busy lately, Kuma–”
“I know you feel the same.” Ritsu spat. Her voice immediately took on a colder edge. “I know you hate Yuu-kun. She never made time for you, and now she doesn’t even have any time left to avoid you. They don’t care about either of us.”
Ritsu’s hands shook with a greater intensity. “We’ve only got each other now, Secchan.”
Those words silenced her like a steady hand over her mouth.
It was true that she rarely saw Makoto anymore. But that couldn’t be because Makoto had forgotten about her.
It wasn’t because Yuu-kun hated her, of course not. She’d never hate Yuu-kun, and Yuu-kun couldn’t ever hate her. She meant the world to Izumi.
But, to tell the truth, Ritsu’s presence felt much more real than the strings she was just barely grasping at. Ritsu was here. It was more reassuring, at least in the short term, to be able to feel someone in her arms. And for that person to be still, not running from her like she was some disease.
More black paint clouded her vision.
“Kuma-kun, that isn’t right. Don’t go and depend on me. It’s… annoying of you.”
Izumi felt the vampire relax as she spoke. She had no idea how her words came out so casually, but she hoped it might coax Ritsu out of her… state.
“Secchan’s just lazy. Secchan doesn’t want to take care of me~ Come on, can’t you take a little responsibility for your poor unitmate~?”
Izumi chuckled, trying to keep her tone as light as possible. “Isn’t that Isara’s job?”
Ritsu froze. Shit.
She felt the girl tense, slowly, until she felt as cold as she had at first. Shit. Shit.
“Seems like Secchan doesn’t listen, either. Maa-kun… Maa-kun doesn’t care about me anymore. She never makes time for me, and I can’t forgive her. It’s just the two of us. I don’t need Maa-kun anymore. Why don’t you take care of me, Secchan? Why can’t you just take care of me? Aneja didn’t, Maa-kun didn’t, why can’t you–”
“Kuma-kun.”
Izumi already felt a cold patch of sweat forming on her back. She couldn’t do that. Not after failing Leo, not after failing Makoto – she couldn’t handle failing Ritsu too. She didn’t want to put herself through that again, and she didn’t want to be the one to hurt Ritsu for a third time.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do that. I’m not Isara. I can’t.”
Ritsu exhaled sharply, having already anticipated that answer.
Izumi gasped as Ritsu dug her nails into her side. They felt like icicles. She’d never get used to seeing Ritsu like this.
The biting cold spread up her torso, drawing out an involuntary shiver.
And then it stopped. Ritsu let go, apologetically rubbing circles over the spot her fingers were just buried. The vampire buried her head in the crook of Izumi’s neck, faintly humming one of Knights’ songs. Izumi felt her relax into their embrace, the smooth material of Ritsu’s glove brushing her own hand as the black-haired girl laced their fingers together.
Izumi could have sworn their heartbeats lined up with one another, pulsing in sync. She’d never felt so close to someone before. How could they both be feeling the exact same way so differently? Their situations were the same. Abandonment rang true in both of their lives.
Except, in my case, I’m the one doing the abandoning.
It was okay for them to find comfort in each other like this, wasn’t it? As long as they weren’t hurting anyone else. They weren’t, she decided. They weren’t hurting anyone by doing this to themselves.
Three faces came to mind. Yuu-kun. Isara. And a brightly smiling face composed of a symphonia of music notes.
She swore to herself, long ago, that she’d do everything in her power to keep that smiling face as bright as possible.
But she wasn’t hurting anyone. She’d never really hurt anyone. She might come across as pompous and cruel, but nobody knew as well as she did that the last thing she wanted to do was hurt someone. The same way she hurt Leo.
So she lay still. She let Ritsu wrap her arms around her and tangle their legs together. Because they weren’t hurting anyone. She wasn’t taking responsibility. Ritsu wasn’t becoming attached. It was just a minute or two of being near a human being, and nothing more.
“Secchan.”
“Yes, Kuma-kun?”
“I love you.”
“Don’t say that, Kuma-kun…”
“I love you, Secchan.”
“…”
“…I love you, too.”
The apprentice sat in front of her canvas, tightening her blindfold, her brush dripping shadow.