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He had only moved in with Sanemi a couple weeks ago. Things hadn’t been too hard, he was adjusting to his new school pretty well. And despite how strict his brother could be Genya was getting along well with him as well.
But what wasn’t going well was the nightmares. Genya was pretty sure he had a nightmare every night since moving in with Sanemi.
And perhaps the worse part is every single one has been about his long dead father.
Genya was around six years old when he died. The few memories he had of his father were awful. He was an abusive man. His dad would beat his mom, and even Genya and his siblings.
Genya genuinely never wanted to think about his father but every night without fail he would have a stupid nightmare about him.
And it was beginning to take a toil on Genya. He was tired, he either stayed up as long as he could or woke up in the middle of the night there was almost no inbetween.
And that is where Genya found himself.
His mind felt fuzzy and hazy, the world was overwhelming and far too big.
Genya couldn’t exactly explain what was going on but something was very wrong with him. Part of him wanted to go across the hall to his brother’s room and curled up next to him in bed the way he had done when they were still little, but the other part of him didn’t want to bother his brother.
So he was laying awake and crying in bed. A bed that is very much wet. Genya didn’t want to accept the fact he had just wet the bed. He hoped if he ignored his wet sheets and pants they would go away. But they only grew more uncomfortable
He whimpered, unsure of what to do.
He knew he could not tell Sanemi he had wet his bed like a baby.
Genya sobbed, covering his face with his hands.
He felt like a baby. Not just because he had wet the bed and not because he was crying uncontrolling and not because his room was far too dark, the three things weren’t helping, it was just how he felt.
He sobbed again, rolling over in bed and hugging himself.
He had to get out of bed, that is what he kept telling himself. It took him a bit but he climbed out of bed, he felt so unsteady on his feet but he managed to find his balance.
The first thing he did, or tried to do, was peel off his wet clothes. He never imagined it would be so hard to get a pair of pants off but after some fighting his wet pants were on the floor which was followed by his wet boxers and shirt.
Next Genya grabbed some dry pyjamas to change into, which was a lot harder than expected causing him to cry more. But soon he is in dry clothes and moving on to the next task which is getting the wet sheets and blankets off his bed.
He pulls at them for a bit and eventually his bed is bare.
Genya gathers the wet bedding and clothes into his arms and heads towards the washing machine. He is careful as he walks trying not to trip over everything he is carrying. Once he gets to the machine he tosses everything in and turns it on, not at all thinking about the noises the machine makes.
Geny quickly heads back to his room before his brother could find him awake.
He grabbed the extra bedding from his closet and tried to make his bed again. In the end Genya gave up and tossed the fitted sheet and comforter over his mattress.
He climbed in bed and tried to sleep, but he was too scared of having more nightmares and another accident.
So when it was finally morning he felt awful. His head hurt and all he wanted to do was cry. But he was sitting in front of Sanemi so all he did was poke at his breakfast not wanting to eat it.
“Eat,” Sanemi told Genya.
“Not hungry,” Genya replied.
“You hardly ate dinner last night and I know you didn’t eat lunch yesterday,” Sanemi explained, “So you are hungry.”
Genya frowned then looked down at his breakfast. It was just eggs, nothing he hadn’t eaten before, but the texture was nauseating. He chewed slowly and swallowed hard praying that he wouldn’t get sick. He only managed to eat about half his breakfast before he pushed the plate away.
Sanemi sighed, “You better eat lunch then, you already weigh almost nothing.”
Genya was tall but lanky. Despite what his brother said he was actually at a decently healthy rate for someone high height and age.
Genya just nodded, he would try to eat lunch but he made no promises.
The school day went well enough. Genya was tired so he found it hard to focus but worse of all that weird fuzzy feeling started creeping up on him again. He hated it, it was scary. He never wanted to feel that way again but it felt like something he had no control over.
Once he and Sanemi got home, Genya went to his room. He pulled out his phone and began Googling things. He wasn't sure what he was looking for, just the reason why he felt the way he did.
After typing in how he felt and reading random form posts there was one that stood out to him.
The post was talking about something called age regression. With the new term in mind Genya began researching it and quickly came to the realisation that it was probably what he was experiencing. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it.
On one hand it wasn’t as scary now that he knew what was going on but on another it was even more scary because he had no idea what to do with this information.
He was also scared about how his brother would react.
“Genya, it's dinner time,” Sanemi called.
Genya quickly shoved his phone into his pocket then went to the kitchen, he dished up his meal and sat at the table across from Sanemi.
“Why was your bedding in the washer?” Sanemi asked.
Genya tensed up, he totally forgot about that. He looked down and shrugged.
“You clearly know, I heard you running the machine at one in the morning.”
Genya felt his face heat up and tears well in his eyes. Sanemi had caught him, but it at least seemed Sanemi had no idea what happened.
“I won’t be mad at you over an accident, Genya.”
Genya felt his stomach drop, maybe his brother did know what happened.
“I’m too old for accidents,” Genya mumbled.
“I know you haven’t been sleeping,” Sanemi told Genya, “Are the two related.”
First Genya shrugged then shook his head slowly “Just lots of bad dreams.”
Sanemi frowned, “Of what?”
Genya was quiet, he poked at his good avoiding eye contact with his brother.
“Genya.”
Genya took a deep breath, “Of dad.”
Sanemi gave Genya a look of sympathy, “Sorry to hear that.”
Genya shrugged.
“Anything I can do to help?”
Genya shook his head.
“If that changes let me know.”
“I will.”
Dinner was finished in relative silence.
That night was another rough one for Genya. The nightmares continued but he at least didn’t piss himself. But he was tired. So very very tired and all he wanted to do was sleep.
He hugged his pillow and pressed his face into it and cried. The sobs were loud and ugly he wouldn’t be surprised if he woke Sanemi from them. But if he did his brother never came to his room.
Genya considered crossing the hall to his brother's room. But he decided against it, especially because he realized he was little right now.
He didn’t want to burden his brother with this.
At some point Genya had fallen back to sleep, and the only reason he knew this was because he woke up in the morning. He grabbed his phone and looked at the time, and panicked seeing it was past ten meaning he was very late for school.
He practically tripped over himself as he scrambled out of his room. The apartment was quiet, meaning Sanemi went to school without him.
Genya felt like he could cry as he walked around the empty apartment. He eventually noticed a note on the fridge from his brother.
“Letting you stay home to rest, going to tell everyone you’re sick. Don’t get used to this.”
Genya held the note and began to cry again. He was so tired of crying.
He went to the couch and pulled his knees to his chest and continued to cry. He felt awful, he was supposed to be sixteen years old but here he was crying his eyes out because his brother left him home alone.
Then Genya started to worry that his brother would send him back to their mom if he kept this up. Genya didn’t want to go back, he wanted to stay with Sanemi. He loved living with his brother, nightmares aside.
At some point during his crying his thumb had found itself in his mouth. Genya didn’t take it out; it was comforting, it was grounding.
Genya eventually found himself laying on the couch sucking on his thumb watching cat videos on his phone.
It was about all he could think to do in his little head space.
He didn’t move from the couch for most of the day. Only moving when he realised he needed to use the bathroom and luckily before he ended up peeing his pants.
But after that he was back on the couch watching cat videos on his phone waiting for his brother to come home.
Genya didn’t realize he had dozed off until he heard the front door open.
He quickly pulled himself out of whatever head space he was in and sat up.
“I'm home,” Sanemi called as he stepped inside.
“Welcome back,” Genya replied.
“Did you get any rest?” Sanemi asked as he walked into the living room.
Genya nodded.
“Good, I won’t let you skip again.”
“I know.”
Sanemi handed Genya a small stack of papers, “your homework, let me know if you need help with it.”
Genya took the papers from his brother and nodded as he leafed through them.
“I got papers to grade then I’ll start dinner,” Sanemi told Genya.
Genya nodded as he got off the couch, "I'll go work on this in my room.”
“Okay,” was all that Sanemi said as Genya passed him.
Genya got to his door and softly closed it, he went to his desk and placed the papers down.
The homework wasn't anything hard, the actual struggle was concentrating on it. He kept feeling himself begin to slip into his little headspace, and pulling himself out of it was becoming a lot harder.
It could have been a form of torture.
Eventually there was a soft knock at his door followed by Sanemi’s voice “Dinner’s ready.”
Genya put his pencil down and stretched out his back, before pushing his chair back, standing up and heading towards his door.
When he reached the kitchen Genya only dished himself up a small amount of food, earning him a look of Sanemi.
“Do you ever eat?” Sanemi commented.
Genya shrugged, “I’m just not hungry,” he tried to explain.
Genya didn’t know how to tell his brother that sometimes the thought of eating grossed him out or that some foods made his stomach churn. He just had a complicated relationship with food.
“You’re never hungry,” Sanemi sighed, “You need to eat more.”
Genya took his place at the table without saying anything. He spent most of dinner poking at his food only taking small bites. Sanemi had finished eating long before Genya did. Leaving him alone at the table to finish his dinner.
When Genya had finally finished eating he took his plate to the kitchen and left it in the sink before heading to the living room.
Sanemi was sitting on the couch, looking through one of the math text books he had, Genya guessed he was working on lesson plans for the future.
“Finally finished eating?” Sanemi asked not looking up from the book.
“Yeah.”
“Took you long enough, it’s almost time for you to go to bed.”
Genya pulled out his phone and looked at the time. He hadn’t realized how much time had passed as he slowly ate his dinner.
Sanemi put the book down on the coffee table then turned to face Genya.
“We haven’t had a chance to talk since I got home,” Sanemi said.
“No we haven’t,” Genya replied, feeling rather nervous, hoping he didn’t do anything wrong.
Sanemi gestured for Genya to join him on the couch, and with a bit of hesitation Genya did. He sat on the other end of the couch from his brother.
“You’re not in trouble,” Sanemi told Genya, “Just want to know how your day went.”
Genya thought for a moment before responding, “I didn’t really do anything, just watched videos on my phone.”
“I guess you did stay home from school.”
Genya nodded, “Thanks for that”
“You needed the rest, I didn't want you falling asleep in class.”
Genya smiled softly, grateful to have Sanemi in his life.
The two chatted more about their days until it was finally time for Genya to go to bed.
“Goodnight,” Genya said to Sanemi as he was about to head down the hall.
“Night,” Sanemi replied.
Genya went to his room, closed the door softly as he often did and climbed into bed. He decided in his last few wakeful minutes he would let himself slip into his little head space. He brought his thumb to his mouth and sucked on it.
Part of him really wanted to tell Sanemi about this side of him. Wanted to be open about him being little, wanted Sanemi to take care of him when he was little. But Genya knew he was already enough of a burden to his brother as is and didn’t want to make that any worse.
Little and alone Genya slowly drifted off to sleep.