Work Text:
Eywa will provide
"It wasn't my fault"
Lo'ak's voice echoes in my head as I fill another bowl with whatever this Metkayina drink is called. The fire crackled in front of me as all my mistakes flashed through my mind as shadows dancing through the light. Lo'ak's choked voice weighed heavily on me. He is just a boy. A stubborn, impulsive, and reckless boy, but still just a boy. I can see the fire in his eyes. The young and juvenile energy for fight for justice, to make a difference and defend those he loves. I can condemn him for this. Especially when most of this is my fault.
I never wanted this for him. I wanted to protect him from the weight of carrying that responsibility. Ever since the day he insisted on completing his Iknimaya younger then the average age of the Omatikaya warriors, even after he got injury on his first attempt to bond with his Ikran I knew this could happen. He has a strong heart.
Lo'ak just wanted my support with the young Tulkun, and I couldn't even do that. Payaken is just like Lo'ak, emotional and with a very strong sense of justice. Instigates fights among the youngest. These are features of a great leader, and I know that one day Lo'ak will become one. I admire this in him, even though he is so young.
But is too late know. I could not protect him from the loss, the pain, the fear, and the guilt he should not have to bear. I wanted to shield him from every loss that would be etched on his soul for the rest of his life, but we lost Neteyam. He lost his brother, and no matter what happens, that death will haunt him for the rest of his life, like a scar that will never heal.
The pain in Lo'ak's eyes, his broken voice. He's just a kid. How can I talk to him after this? What words should I say? I failed as a leader, I failed as a father. It was my duty to protect my children, and I couldn't even do that.
I see Lo'ak. I see myself in Lo'ak. I don't want him to make the same impulsive mistakes that I did. I don't want him to suffer the same consequences that I did.
I wish I could protect him from that part of me that exists in him.
I feel Neytiri approaching me with hard steps. She is angry and wants me to know it. Before I can even comprehend, the bowl is flaying from my hands. I can see the worry in her eyes. The same eyes that mourn our firstborn.
"Go to him, Jake. Or you're going to lose another son." Her words are calm, but firm. I cherish her strength. After all the lost that she encounter in her life, she still manege to keep going.
"I got nothing to say to him." And that is the truth. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act. How can I help someone with something that I don't know anything about? I was a marine once. I was taught not to show my feelings and stay strong in the face of loss during a war. I wasn't allow to grieve. I don't know how to grieve.
"Don't blame Lo'ak. You said you could protect this family. That you could do it." The words hit hard. The things that I tried to berry under drinks and war. Using the smoke from the fire to cover up my shame.
"I thought that we would be safe here." I wanted to believe that I made the right choice. That I made the best decision fro everyone. I took Neytiri and the children away from everything that they knew and brought them to an unknown place, a place far from home. I need to believe that this was the right decision, otherwise...
"Our son is dead, Jake." My mind briefly returns to that moment. Neteyam's words whistle like a hunting breeze. His fearful eyes asking me for just one thing, to return home and because of me, he'll never do.
"I was wrong. What do you want me to say?! That every decision I make for this family is wrong? That I killed our son?" I didn't mean to shout, but the words came out faster than I could control. Maybe is because Neytiri is right. Because I am to blame for every tragedy that has befallen this family.
The moment my voice reaches her ears, I can see a wave of anger cloud her mournful gaze.
"And still we are here in this place. Hiding this pink skin. This alien." Neytiri's anger was not directed at me. It was an old hatred that was just waiting for a moment to come out. The perfect moment for these feeling to erupt. "If I had to choose between my family and a pink skin, I would kill him right now."
Her anger at Spider was growing like a spark in the middle of the florets, burning everything around her. Destroying everything as the sky people do. Her grief for our son directed her anger where it shouldn't have been. Neytiri grabs the knife and walks towards the exit. I interrupt her as quickly as I can. I can't let her do something that she will regret later. I can't let her destroy herself like I did.
"Stop, stop, stop. You are not doing this." I pull the knife out of her hands. I can fill her shaking in anger. "You are not doing this." She has every right to hate humans. I hate humans. But she can't let that hatred consume her until it takes away what little she has left. Humans can't keep destroying her.
"You already chose between your family and a pink skin once, remember. You cannot live like this, baby. In hate.
"I hate them. I hate them. I hate them." She says frenetical. "I hate their pink little hands. I hate the insanity in their minds." There are many unspoken words in her speech, and I fear where they may lead. It is consuming her.
"I'm human inside. Do you hate me?" Her face changes. It is as if only now she has been able to process the words. "I will always be an alien to you, won't I? No matter how long I live in this skin". I'm not being fair, I know your words come from a dark place that has been dormant for years. But I can't deny that reality haunts me too.
"You hate your children? With their alien hands?
"No." She is in pain. Her face contorts into a anguish expression.
"Are you ashamed every time they make a mistake, every time they are different? That's because of the human inside them, right?" I blame myself for this. I know their lives would be easier if we were normal, but the constant reminder that I inhabit a body that is not mine will forever be the burden I have imposed on this family.
"Yes"
The shock hits her and her expression breaks. She turns quickly and leaves the hut as fast as her body will allow her at this moment. Grief is a powerful poison that controls out body and spreads through our mind until we lose ourselves. We can try to resist, to fight against it, but there is a limit to how long we can endure before it destroys us and everyone that we love.
I walk towards her. I find her leaning against one of the structures as if she needs it to stay upright too. Maybe I should take my on advice and face my grief before destroy everything.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We have to stay strong right now. This family is our fortress." I hug her, like many times before.
I tried to be a good leader, the Toruk Makto, the savior of the people against the destruction of the sky people. I tried to prove that I was worthy of the Na'vi. I failed. No matter how hard I try, somehow everything I touch is destroyed. Maybe that's who I am.
At this moment, with Neytiri in my arms, I finally realize what I need to do. I recognize what I've lost since the RDA returned to Pandora. The moment I changed my role and began to disappoint those whom I love most. I was trying to be the best for everyone, but maybe I just need to be there for those who need me. My family doesn't need a leader, they don't need Toruk Makto, they need their father.
It took me to long to realize this. It's too late for Neteyam, but maybe I can still be the father I was again. I owe this to Lo'ak, Kiri and Tuk. I owe this to Neytiri.
I need to find Lo'ak.
I make sure Neytiri is okay before going out to look for Lo'ak. I guide myself by the sand, trying to sense his presence so I can find him. I walk a little until I can see his distant silhouette. His body is bent over as if the weight of the world were upon him and he did not have the strength to carry it.
What can I say to him? How can I comfort him after this loss? I hate everything that led to the events of that day. I don't understand Lo'ak's connection to that Tulkun, I don't fully understand the customs of the Metkayina. I can't condemn him for going to protect him from the sky people. It was very reckless to go out knowing that the RDA was on its way. But he was just a child, trying to live in the middle of a war. Payaken is his brother somehow, and I understand now that he couldn't leave him behind.
My thoughts are interrupted by Lo'ak's movement. I stumble over my own steps when I realize what is happening.
One moment, he was leaning over, and the next I can clearly see an object touching his head. My heart stops as I identify the weapon, inches away from destroying another life. I try to shout his name even from a distance, but the voice comes out very low and choked from my throat. I start running towards him, but I am too far away. For a second I feel like I have lost another son. It's my fault.
I only realize that two other figures have joined him when they embrace him. My steps falter when a sigh of relief washes over me, as I realize that his sister Kiri is with him, accompanied by Tonowari's daughter, Tsereya. As I approach, I can see that the girls are saying something, but I am too far away to hear. They hug him, giving him the comfort he needed, which I did not realize in time. They saved my son. I couldn't do it... again.
Neytiri was right. I almost lost another child because of my stubbornness. I shouldn't assume how they feel about recent events.
Grief has hit this family hard, and we need to talk more before it takes another one. I can't shut myself off from my feelings anymore and expect everyone else to do the same. We are at war, but we are a family. And I have to start acting like it.
My footsteps startle the three children on the sand. Their faces turn to stare at me. Kiri has a sad and disapproving look, much like the looks Grace used to give me when she knew I had done something stupid. Tsereya maintains a calm with an almost elegant posture, but you can see the fear in her eyes. But my attention turns to Lo'ak. He doesn't stare at me, he keeps his head down and has a sad, somewhat ashamed look on his face.
I know I should say something, but the words disappear from my mind. Silence falls upon the four of us, leaving only the gentle waves of the sea to fill the space. It takes a few seconds before I can force myself to start talking.
"Let me speak with Lo'ak alone for a moment." The words come out a little harsher than they should be.
"Dad—" Kiri tries to intervene, but gives up after looking into my eyes. I know she wants to be here so she can speak on her brother's behalf. Kiri has always been protective of her siblings.
Lo'ak doesn't move at all. Tsereya gives Lo'ak's hand one last squeeze before walking away with Kiri, but not before looking back as if to make sure he was still here.
I approach and crouch down beside him.
“Boy.” My voice comes out slightly hoarse and shaky. “Son.” I try again, this time with a firmer voice. Lo'ak looks at me for the first time since I found him. His eyes are wet, and I can see the deep pain in them. I never saw him that way. Something broke inside him, and I fear it may be too late to fix it.
“I'm sorry.” I don't even know how to begin. Apologize for what exactly, for what I said earlier, for failing as a father, for not being able to protect his brother, for not being able to see how hurt he was? The words don't seem right. They're missing something, missing all the connection that was lost between me and my son. They seems empty.
“Lo'ak, I'm sorry. I... I was wrong.” Lo'ak doesn't take his eyes off me. I can't figure out his feelings, but he doesn't say anything.
“I thought I could protect you from everything. I thought I was strong enough to protect this family. I was wrong, and I failed you, all of you. It's not fair that you have to carry this with you. I tried so hard to protect you from it, but I ended up making the whole situation worse.” I place my hands on his shoulders, making sure he is looking at me when I say these words. “It's not your fault.”
Lo'ak lets out a soft moan and tears begin to flow. I pull him into a hug, feeling his body tremble against mine. Oh, my boy, I'm so sorry. I tighten my embrace a little more when I realize that I almost lost him too. I can't let that happen.
“I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had to prove something. I wanted so badly to keep you safe. I wanted so badly for you not to have to go through any of this.” I say as I pull back slightly from the embrace. “It was never my intention.”
“I'm sorry...” The first words Lo'ak says to me afterwards. “It was my idea, I made us come back, I...”
“You did the right thing. Your brother knew it too. You wanted to save the ones you love. You're not wrong.” I interrupt him. He doesn't need to justify his actions, I can see them clearly now. They were still reckless, but they came from a place of care and love.
“I just... Lo'ak, promise me you won't put yourself in danger like that again.” I understand his actions, but I can't let him do it again. "I know you wanted to save the Tulkun, but it was too risky. The RDA was on its way, we were all ready to fight, and..."
“I couldn't lose him too, dad. I couldn't.” His voice is still broken from crying a moment ago. I can see how tired he is. The pressure of Neteyam's death took another toll on Lo'ak.
“I know, son. I know. Now I know.” The tension that hung in the air dissipated, and it seemed that we could finally talk. That there could be dialogue between us again.
“Lo'ak, about what you tried to do... I'm sorry if I caused it. I shouldn't have said that, but I was so angry. But nothing I did justifies it. I don't know what I would do if I lost you too.”
“It's not just that.” He begins apprehensively. “I put everyone in danger. Because of me, everyone went after Payaken. Because of me, Tuk and Kiri were in danger. Because of me, Neteyam...”
“No!” I interrupt him. It's not his fault. “What do I always say? Sully...” He looks at me, somewhat uncomfortable, and takes a moment to finally respond.
“Sully stick together.”
“Sully, stay together. Your sisters and brother wanted to help you as much as you wanted to help them. You can't blame yourself for that.”
“But if I hadn't made Neteyam help me save Spider. If I hadn't...” I look into his eyes and see the pain reflected in them. Spider has been such a big part of their lives. They've played together since they were children, and even though Spider was older, he and Lo'ak were inseparable in their adventures.
“You have a good heart. A strong heart. You wanted to save your friend, and I know your brother knows that too. Your brother would be proud of what you did.” For the first time in the conversation, I give a slight smile.
Neteyam adored his siblings. He and Kiri were raised practically as twins and grew up together. When Lo'ak arrived, he became the center of his brothers' lives. Neteyam wanted to be with Lo'ak all the time. He wanted to show his curious little brother everything he discovered. For a moment, I lose myself in my thoughts, wishing I could return to a time when life was calm and happy.
“He said something like that.” Lo'ak's voice brings me back to reality. I feel that he himself was trapped in his own memories.
“What do you mean?”
“I visited the spirit tree a few times,” he admits. “We flew together,” he finishes, and I can see the ghost of his old self deep inside, struggling to return.
I find myself remembering moments from the past again. Neteyam was so proud of Lo'ak when he got his ikan. They flew together whenever possible. I remember how angry Tuk was when the three children left her behind for a whole day while they flew through the Valley of Mo'ara.
“I know things will never be the same again. I know we still have a lot to talk about, but I want to know if you'll give me the chance to try.”
Lo'ak doesn't answer me, but I can see the sparkle returning to his eyes. I know I can't make up for my past actions. But I'll do what I can to be the best I can be for my son.
“I failed you, but I'll try to be better. Maybe we can try together?”
We don't say anything else after that, we just sit on the sand looking at the stars. One star in particular catches my attention. A star that is six years away from Pandora. I was a different person, literally. But I understood Pandora, I learned and I started over. Maybe now is the time to relearn in order to start over. Because all you have to do is open your eyes.