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According to Todd, misfortune would come together with luck, and vice versa. The fortunate part was that right now he was lying weakly on his bed, grumbling about who-knows-what with a pronunciation that almost sounded like a spell. And the misfortunate part was that he couldn’t see his beloved man—Neil Perry—for the next few hours. Call him dramatic or whatever, butter honestly, he'd rather be eaten alive by a bear than be unable to make eye contact with Neil for hours.
Although, he admitted that his reaction wasn’t much when he finally met that boy again. The reason was always the same—he was shy, and really shy.
Exactly when Todd woke earlier than the others at dawn, it felt as if he would die young right then and there. His body felt like it was crushed by concrete as heavy as his parents’ expectations, and his eyes were so heavy to open. Believe him, it felt like being stung by hundreds of bees around that area. Yet curse him for being too considerate even about his own condition. He forced himself to get up and go through the day as usual, even though his friends' questions and confusion never left him. Like, "Are you okay?” and “Please promise you weren’t possessed by a spirit last night,” or the worst of all, “Did Neil plan a murder attempt by strangling you all night?”
—Seriously! What even was that. Todd knew that sometimes, at certain hours—curfew, breaks, sports class, and many more moments too many to count—he often made Neil’s blood pressure rise, even making him raise his voice an octave higher, yet still sounding gentle somehow. And he always believed Neil wouldn’t be cruel enough to kill him. Maybe.
And yes, anyone who couldn’t predict this would happen must be strange, because in the end Todd fainted while walking to the dining hall with his friends. Todd still thought about that until now; even his pain suddenly faded because the embarrassment seemed to reach his bones.
Todd leaned against the wall, with straightened legs. On his lap was a book—a book always filled with poems about Neil, secretly of course, and various disturbing, delightful, and confusing things in Todd’s own life. Someone might say, “If you’re sick, you’d better rest,” and that had indeed been his intention. But, in times like these, Todd began fighting demons; all the silly possibilities were lingering in his mind. Like, he would die young and never see Neil again forever, or Neil would come and suddenly kiss him with the door behind them still open. That was terrifying. Just imagining it was enough to raise his body temperature like when he first woke up.
A few seconds Todd daydreamed; the look on his face showed a question mark when he saw a piece of paper—a torn scrap with messy edges—lying near the window along with a medicine—paracetamol. Todd shifted a little and tried to reach for the paper and the medicine with what little strength he had, instantly getting dizzy afterward. The writing on the paper was truly messy, as if Neil had written it in a great hurry after bringing Todd back to his dorm, lying almost like a dying person on that bed. But believe him, what Neil wrote was enough to make Todd forget everything.
"Let's wish our beautiful boy to get well soon! Or my days will forever feel strange without you. You know? It hurts so much. I can’t see your face in the morning, in Mr. Keating’s language class, at lunch—I can’t imagine it.
But at least I got to see your face once when you were sleeping before starting the day for real. I see nothing but beauty in your face, remind me of the rose I gave you back then.
Sincerely yours,
—N."
A bright sweet smile immediately bloomed on Todd’s face. It was thin, as if his anxiety disorder was holding it back from growing wider. Though the real commotion was in his heart. His face, originally pale, now looked a bit flushed. If what he was holding were a mirror, he’d throw it away and start questioning himself. Who was that blushing creature in the reflection? It was terrifying. That would be the first thing to hit his mind after seeing how strange he looked there.
After that, Todd’s morning ended with him drinking the medicine Neil gave him, along with the many silly thoughts that refused to leave his mind. His heart was already full enough of butterflies to reignite his anxiety, so he decided to fall asleep with his sweet smile, and with Neil Perry as the substitute object for sheep in the event of “counting sheep” in his imagination.
—
Night came, and the moon replaced the sun’s duty as the earth’s lantern. Todd felt warmth beside his body—the kind of warmth that he was sure belonged to a human, and someone he knew very well. His body was still too weak to move, while that figure made a soft hissing sound, and with warm hands, gently ran his fingers through Todd’s hair—stroking, caressing, and patting lightly, as if keeping him in place and undisturbed.
“—Everything halts, when the night seems brighter than dawn… oh, am I bothering your sleep, lover?”
Neil. He was sitting on Todd’s bed while reading him a bedtime poem. The boy with a thick book of collected poems in his hand never stopped smiling. For him, even thirty minutes of his life were precious if they were about Todd Anderson. Todd lying comfortably under a blanket covering nearly his whole body. One of his arms rested on Neil’s thigh, while Neil’s fingers kept dancing on Todd’s soft hair. Neil looked like a mother soothing her child before sleep.
The moment all classes ended, the only person in a greater hurry than usual was Neil. He did everything at the speed of light that day. His friends didn’t need to ask why—except Charlie, of course, that hyperactive born out of wedlock whose unfortunate charm doomed him to never have peace even for a second if he didn’t use God’s gift to him—his mouth—to cause chaos. Though admittedly, ever since the confession incident last month, Neil slowly began surprising himself, because he had never been this eager to meet someone.
Even with only half of his consciousness, slightly open eyes, Todd found himself slowly shifting closer to Neil. His body was so warm, and Todd sought that warmth even more. He even felt Neil patting his shoulder gently like a baby, and Todd could hear Neil humming a little tune, a song so unfamiliar. Whatever. As for the shameless visions running through Todd’s mind if his friends ever found out how he behaved when he was this close to Neil—he wanted to disappear from the earth. Or, maybe, not.
For some reason, Neil let out a small chuckle before suddenly remembering something important he needed to tell Todd immediately. “Hey, precious, maybe I didn’t tell you that while you sleep earlier. . I took off your clothes—”
“Neil, what was that for?” Todd cut him off a split second before he could continue. Todd didn’t look embarrassed at all, because he swore he trusted Neil more than anything.
“I intended to wake you up so you could at least change clothes, seriously. But you looked so pale and comfortable in your rest, so that was the best choice. Though I think it would’ve been better if you showered, didn’t skip dinner, took your medicine, then came back to bed and listened to me tell stories all night. Isn’t that very sweet?” Neil said, his face looking so fresh and excited.
“That’s so very sweet, Neil. Did you just describe an elaborate murder plot against a dying human?”
They both laughed. The percentage of absurdity between them was so high and tended to be strange—very strange. But still, nothing felt more beautiful than this moment. Whatever they talked about, whatever language creatures in some far part of the world might speak—it was all nothing but beautiful and precious.
“And speaking of which, what are you doing on my bed? Since when? Why?” Todd asked. His weak and slightly hoarse voice from his sore throat made Neil feel fond. It was cute.
“Because I wanted to, and since I wanted to, and because I very much wanted to.”
“Neil, seriously.”
“I am very serious, lover.”
That statement didn’t last long before Todd sighed tiredly, and his expression showed a flatness that seemed to say, 'Now I’m serious, I’m sure you’re not blind.' Believe that Todd actually wanted to say it out loud, but Todd was Todd. So Neil chuckled softly and, without context, pressed his lips to Todd’s forehead and cheek, each for about five seconds.
“Okay, okay, serious now, love. Don’t be mad, it doesn’t suit you because you’re just adorable.” Another kiss was stolen by Neil from Todd’s lips, adjusting his position so Todd could rest even more peacefully. “Maybe you did it unconsciously, but you kept mumbling my name in your sleep and tugging on the hem of my shirt. At first, I thought it was just something normal for sick people to ramble in their sleep. That thought changed after you did it not once, but repeatedly, so I assumed you really wanted me to keep you company. And well, here I am.”
That statement made Todd furious and want to curse at himself. He had never once rambled nonsense in his life. Neil himself was confused; he even questioned whether the one he was seeing was truly Todd. And from then on, Neil gained a new and fixed view about sick people: they tended to be more honest with someone they trusted, even when their bodies couldn’t feel even the slightest touch from others. It was subjective, but still—look at him, Neil thought.
“That wasn’t me, Neil. Please, forget it and just think of it as a memory without presence from the subconscious,” Todd said. He shivered a little, pulling the blanket further up to cover himself. It gave him a slight flashback to the poem he wrote and read aloud in Mr. Keating’s class a while ago.
Neil couldn’t not care that Todd’s body still felt quite warm, which worried him. “Lover, you’re shivering. I think the heater’s useless for you. Do you need another blanket? You can use mine if you want.”
Hearing that, Todd shook his head weakly. “No, Neil. Your body temperature is enough.”
A smile slowly carved itself on Neil’s lips. “Alright then. Glad to hear it,” he whispered into Todd’s ear before pressing a sweet kiss onto Todd’s red cheek.
Neil lowered himself down, lying slightly aligned with Todd. And it didn’t take long for Todd to immediately draw himself closer, wrapping his arms around Neil’s waist tightly, his face buried comfortably in Neil’s chest. Todd might not be smiling, but deep down, he was happy. Everything was so warm that Todd felt he wanted to stay like this forever. Neil—there was nothing more fortunate than having him and remaining in his embrace until the end of time.
“You know, I love you,” Neil said softly, gently, sincerely. And Todd knew. He wanted so badly to say it back, but his mouth always locked itself for romantic things like this. “Will you say it back? I want to hear it from you, Todd.”
“I—I don’t show my affection with words, Neil. Besides, love doesn’t need language if it’s only to be whispered to someone,” Todd said. He stayed firm in his stance. If he could, he would’ve said it without shame, even if he had to shout it out loud.
“Saying it means you must be able to prove it.”
Todd sighed, tiredly. He also hated himself for not being able to express what he felt. Then he said, “Neil, even if I said ‘I love you’ a hundred times, I’m sure you wouldn’t fully believe I really meant it sincerely. Because of one thing—I can’t express myself better than you can. So I prefer to stay quiet and not look like I love you. We keep choosing to stay beside each other, never pulling apart, and i really thinks that means as much to you as it quietly does to me. I swear from the deepest part of my heart, Neil.”
After that, nothing accompanied them except silence. Deep, deep silence, because nothing else held their focus except their hearts beating faster, and feelings growing deeper and fiercer. As if time in the world stopped and the world revolved around only the two of them.
Neil, who at first couldn’t speak a word, couldn’t hold back his smile. His fingers reached Todd’s chin, lifting it so his eyes met the other’s directly. Without any words, Neil brought their lips together in the most beautiful rhythm. There was no lust—only pure love from two souls who didn’t quite understand how humans showed it. The kiss wasn’t intense—only sincerity and emotions churning inside their hearts. As if the world would swear to shatter itself if that bond were tragically broken.
When the kiss slowly parted, neither of them wanted to break eye contact. They simply enjoyed the beauty of the moment. Neil’s hand cupped Todd’s cheek, giving gentle strokes there. His sincere smile returned, and he whispered something.
“And in the end, you still said it. It’s beautiful, and I love you.”
Lovebirds—and they would forever be happy in the deepest words of their vows.