Chapter Text
On the night of the worst skate in Ilia Malinin’s life it was exhaustion, rather than grief, that truly overtook him. Everything had passed by in a blur – the kiss and cry, leaving the arena as quickly as possible after seeing his miserable scores, the silent walk with his father back to his olympic village dorm, each of them lost in their own heads, processing the disaster.
He couldn’t remember how he had convinced his dad to leave once they reached his room. He was understandably concerned, and hadn’t wanted Ilia to spend the rest of the night all alone. Ilia hazily recalled muttering some assurances that he just needed to sleep it off, that he was just so incredibly tired.
It wasn’t a lie. This wasn’t his first adrenaline crash, but the scale of it made the others feel like kid shit in comparison. He felt empty, like some phenomenon on the ice had grabbed hold of him, hollowed him out, and tossed him back with far less substance to himself than had been there before. He barely registered the heartache his spectacular loss should have caused. Whatever part of his brain was in charge of his emotions had zipped itself tight in a jacket, pulled the hood up, and shrunk into a corner until it felt safe again.
Whatever autopilot system was driving his body now could only process the physical hurt. His muscles ached and there were several sore spots where he had hit the ice from his (God was it actually two? That couldn’t be right) falls. He had a headache from crying and his face felt puffy and tender. He brushed away the fleeting thought that he was going to look like utter trash in whatever interviews they made him do tomorrow. That was a million years away and for someone else to worry about.
Right now his job was easy. He just had to get to his bed and everything would be ok. He stumbled out of his sweat-stiff clothes and flopped down on the bed. The pathetic, narrow mattress felt like a gift from heaven at that moment. Ilia curled until the sheets formed a protective cocoon around him and let the quiet dark take the reins of his consciousness.