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It’s late. I shouldn’t be awake right now. Tomorrow will be a big day. But I don’t want to think about it. However I just can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about what is to come.
Maybe it’s unavoidable. Maybe it’s our fate. Dying on stage for the entertainment of beings that will never understand us. I guess that somehow, we never had the chance to truly live. To truly love. To truly be loved.
No. That’s not true. I was loved, once. Or at least, I felt like I was loved.
I remember that night, at the time, we were still in Anakt Garden. And I know that I’ll forever treasure this memory. Until the world stops spinning. Or at least, until the world stops spinning for me.
It was really cold outside and the wind was blowing in the trees. It was a night like I rarely saw, mainly because of two very important things. The first one was the sky. It was clearer than it ever was and, because of this, we could see all the stars. Absolutely all of them. Constellations and nebulae were shinning just above our heads. I knew that in a night like this, shooting stars could be expected and, to be honest, the thought of seeing some was very exciting to me.
As I was watching the sky, I remembered. The next meteor shower was expected in three months and after what happened during the last one, I was glad that it was not today. I wanted to forget that night. I wanted him to forget that night. I though that he would never talk to me again after what I did, but the next day it was like nothing happened at all. We never spoke about this incident ever again. I was just hoping that he would not bring that subject up. Because if he did, what could I say to justify myself?
The second thing that made that night unforgettable to me was most likely the one that mattered the most. He was here. Till was here. Laying down on the grass, just next to me, pointing out all the stars, describing every constellations with a sparkle in his eyes.
Even with the magnificent view of all the celestial bodies that stretched above my head, I found an even more gorgeous star to look at. I could not help but stare at him, and even if I wanted to stop I probably would not be able to. I was like hypnotized, an invisible and yet irresistible force made me unable to stop contemplating him. Though, I knew that he hated it, and I was blaming myself for doing it, because I knew that it made him uncomfortable. Sometimes, and especially that time, I wondered what would happen if he saw what I saw, if he felt what I felt, that odd sensation that go through my body when his eyes cross mines. If he knew, maybe he would let me look at him freely. And maybe, he would look at me too.
“Ivan?”
As he was interrupting my thoughts he kept talking.
“Are you even listening?
-Um...
-Argh, you’re such an idiot...”
Then, without any warning, he took my hand. It was weird at first. Till never took my hand, I was always the one who took it. It was so sudden and yet, it felt so right, just like it was natural for his hand to take mine. Like they were made to be held together. I felt so good, so safe, like nothing could ever hurt me again. Of course, I did not tell him all of that. Even today I think I would not tell him all of that. Afterwards, he put our hands hooked up together towards the sky and pointed his forefinger and mine to a group of stars.
“Here, it’s Orion. It’s really easy to recognize it ‘cause it has three aligned stars that form his belt. You see it right? It cannot be more obvious.
-Yeah, I kinda see it.
-And here...”
He put our hands a little bit more to the left.
“...There are five stars that form a W. It’s Cassiopeia.
-Why is it called like that?
-What do you mean?
-Why are those constellations named Orion and Cassiopeia?”
It’s at this moment that he let go off my hand, and for a few seconds, my whole universe fell apart. For a few seconds, the sky turned red and there were shooting stars all around me. For a few seconds, Till was running away from me and I was standing there, processing what just happened to me. Did I do something wrong? If not, then why is he running away? Did I miss something? Is it my fault? What if he doesn’t want to see me anymore? What if I lost him forever?
And then, it was like my brain just blacked out. One single thought succeeded to reach me: I can’t imagine my life spent away from Till. Without even realizing it, I was already chasing him, smiling, because for the first time in my life, I knew exactly what I needed to do.
“Ivan?”
The only thing I was capable to think about was «Run», so that’s what I did. For what seemed to be an eternity to me I ran, because I couldn’t do otherwise. I ran because that was the only thing I could do to reach to him. Because I needed to follow Till. Because Till was everything. Because Till is everything.
“Ivan?!?”
Because my life has no meaning if Till isn’t in it. Because I drowned in my feelings for him a long time ago.
I felt my breath speed up and my heartbeat was bursting at the seams.
I’m such an idiot, I sure want him to be a part of my life, but did I ever ask him if he wanted the same thing? It’s so selfish. I’m so selfish. How could I do something so hurtful to him? How could I be such a monster? I wouldn’t even be mad if he hated me forever. But I don’t want him to hate me. He’s my friend. My Best Friend. And I like him. I love him.
“IVAN!!!”
Suddenly, I was back to the real world, sitting on the grass under a beautiful black sky. It was like waking up from a nightmare, my hands were shaking uncontrollably and I was heavy breathing.
“Ivan can you hear me?”
That voice. Till’s voice. It was like a light which I could turn me towards. I still wasn’t able to move, so I decided to focus on it.
It’s at that moment that I felt it. Till was taking both of my hands in his. And I knew that it’s dumb to say, but I felt... better. Even safer. It was like a soft warmth was engulfing me and it was so good. So I let myself go to that touch.
“Hey, deep breathing in, deep breathing out. Yes, that’s it. Keep going. It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”
And so that’s what I did, I breathed, or at least I tried to. After what seemed to be an eternity, I felt my heartbeat decreasing and I stopped shaking. I returned to reality, to the grass, to the sky and most importantly to Till.
“Ivan, are you...um...feeling better?”
His voice was tainted with fear, I wasn’t expected that. I looked up, and he wasn’t looking at me. I didn’t wanted to do it, but I had to. I had to ask the question that was running through my mind.
“Till, do you hate me?”
He raised his head and his eyes crossed mines. They were shinning from a shade of green that I never saw before. They were stunning.
“What? What are you talking about? Why would I hate you?
-I... I mean, aren’t you mad at me after what I did?
-I don’t understand. Did you stole one of my sketchbook or something like that? Because if it’s the case I would be a little pissed off but it’s not a big deal. I would forgive you.
-It’s not for that...
-Then for what?”
He didn’t even seemed pissed off like he said. He seemed... worried. The wind was blowing in the trees when I took a deep breath. I looked at him right in the eyes and I said it.
“For the last meteor shower.”
I dropped the bomb. It was like an enormous weight went off my chest only to be replaced with an indescribable fear. Till got dead silent for a moment, he was still looking at me, he was still holding my hands but I didn’t know what he was thinking about and that absolutely terrified me.
Suddenly, he held my hands a little tighter. He pinched his lips and began to speak.
“I was never mad at you.”
Six words. Six words that meant the world to me. Six words that I never thought that I would ever hear. I wanted to respond, I wanted to tell him how much it mattered to me but my voice wasn’t going out. And I could only stare at him while he kept on speaking.
“It was something we did together, I’m as responsible as you for what happened. I know I shouldn’t have run away, but I had to. I couldn’t left the others and Mizi behind. As much as I wanted to follow you I just couldn’t, I didn’t want to abandon them. Do you understand? I never knew how much it hurt you. And I’m sorry that I never noticed it. I just want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. It never was.”
A shooting star crossed the sky behind him.
“Look, you’re my friend. Even if you can be weird, and sometimes kind of annoying, you’re my friend no matter what. I like you Ivan. And you’re not done with me that easily.”
I love you, Till. My mouth wasn’t opening to say it. As much as I tried to I just couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say that I liked him too. I started to shake again and my eyes became so blurry from tears that I couldn’t see anything anymore. Why was I crying? It was not a big deal. Or was it? I shouldn’t have been feeling that. I should have been happy, right? So why was I losing all control of myself? And why couldn’t my tears stop running down of my eyes?
“Ivan are you... are you crying?”
Suddenly, before I could even realize it, he was holding me in his arms. It felt so warm, so comfortable.
“You can let it all go. You don’t have to say anything. Just know that if you want to talk, we can.»”
It was like I could be myself. Like I could feel whatever I needed to. Like Till would protect me, be there for me no matter what. Like he genuinely liked me. So I decided to let it all go. And at that moment, I wasn’t only crying, I was sobbing, gripping on him like my life depended on it while he was drawing circles on my back with the tips of his fingers. It felt so good, I felt so safe with him.
“Hey, it’s gonna be okay. I’m not leaving, I promise.”
He puled me a little closer to him in his embrace.
“Don’t worry. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
I tried to respond. I wanted to be sure of the meaning of his words.
“No matter what?”
My voice cracked at the end of my sentence.
“I’ll be there for you until the end, no matter what.”
He seemed so confident when he said that. So confident that I could have almost believed him. But even back then, I already knew that one day he will not be there anymore. Or more precisely, I will not be there anymore.
“Till...
-What?
-Thank you.
-What are you thanking me for?”
For being the victim of my shallow emotions.
“For everything.”
We stayed like that for what seemed to be an hour to me, maybe even more than that.
It was the first time that I ever felt like this. As I think about it right now, I realize that maybe it was the only time that I ever felt like this. Truly appreciated, truly loved by Till. In a way that I never expected of him.
I’m grateful, Till. So grateful to have the honor to know you. To have been a part of your life. To have been your friend. To have been liked by you, or at least enough to have let me stay with you until now. Not until the end like you said. But until my end.
I will see you tomorrow for the last time. I will look at you for the last time. I’m scared. So scared. But, that, I won’t tell you. Like I didn’t tell you so many things before. I hope you will live. Not only survive, but truly live. Just like you deserve to. You can do it for both of us. I’m sure you will. And if my death means that you can, indeed, live, then it’s worth the shot.
For you, everything was always worth the shot.
Till.
My Shooting Star.
My Black Sorrow.
My Cure.