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Everything is slightly off-kilter in Hao’s childhood home, the red lanterns are a tad too crimson, the jade plant’s pot rotated at an awkward angle and the decorations Hanbin is putting up are vexingly off-centered.
“No, no, to the left a bit more… now that’s too much…”
Hanbin’s hands move to try to fulfil his husband’s demands, but nothing seems to meet his standard.
Hao looks like he’s stretched taut and about to snap when a three-year-old’s stompy footsteps thunder all the way into the dining room. “Appa, please can you take me to the playground, there’s swings!”
“Sorry, Appa is busy right now, I’ll take you later okay?”
The boy pouts–a certain petulant pout he seemed to have picked up from one of his fathers–before resuming his begging.
“But I want to go now.”
“Forget it, you take Min to the playground and I’ll finish putting the decorations up myself.” Hanbin instantly shakes his head at Hao’s suggestion, how dare he doubt his eight months pregnant husband’s ability to climb on a stool.
Placing a steady hand on Hao’s back, Hanbin gently guides him away. “Baobei, why don’t you take a break from this and I’ll finish it.”
Hanbin’s tenderness rubs Hao in the wrong way–as it always seemed to lately–and his eyes narrow into frustrated slits.
“I don’t trust you to get it right.”
“Yeah, Appa, even I know the “福” is supposed to go upside down!”
“I promise to fix it and get the house all red and pretty,” Hanbin smiles. “And you promise to have fun at the playground and don’t give Baba a hard time, okay?”
He places a kiss on the boy’s head, one more on top of Hao’s forehead and places the last one on the jutting swell of Hao’s belly before playfully swatting all of them off so he can properly “channel his inner interior designer”.
Hao isn’t any fun at the playground, he can barely manage a waddle let alone chase his son through the obstacles. In fact, the only swings he'd been able to have lately were mood swings. He hadn’t been able to put up the decorations either, or take part in the spring cleaning.
“Should I help braise the abalones later? Or maybe–”
“Nonsense, I already did all that, your job is just take care of yourself and the baby.” His mother clucks at him. They’re sitting on the bench, watching Min go back and forth on the swing. It felt like just yesterday when his son could only wiggle in his arms, small and vulnerable and in need of diaper changes…
“But there’s so much to prepare.”
“Er zi, why are you worrying so much? Chinese New Year happens every year, you don’t have to push yourself to make it perfect.”
Hao doesn’t know why he feels this overwhelming compulsion to get things done in perfection either, but when he sees the oranges they ordered arrive bruised and battered with brown spots, a flip is switched. Tears well up in an uncontrollable puddle.
“What’s wrong?” Hanbin had made his way across the room to his husband as soon as the tears fell. One hand’s thumb swipes his cheeks softly while the other grasps his hand.
“It’s Chinese New Year tomorrow and we don’t have any good oranges.” Hao’s voice is a sad whine, probably the saddest anyone has ever been over oranges, with or without pregnancy hormones.
Hanbin lets out a breath, a huff of amusement and relief. “I’ll just drive down to the supermarket and get some then, does that make you feel better?”
Hao shifts his head in a slight nod and Hanbin gives his shoulder a comforting squeeze in response. “Now do you want to tell me what’s actually wrong?”
Before Hao speaks, he gingerly sits down at the edge of the bed, relieving his sore feet from the pressure of the growing weight in his belly. Hanbin lowers himself to a crouch to face him. “Okay, after we had our last obstetrician appointment… I asked the gynecologist about our baby’s gender.”
They had agreed to keep it a surprise, but Hanbin’s face gave no hints of betrayal or hurt, just an encouraging nod for Hao to continue.
“I know it wasn’t what we agreed but the mystery made me feel blindsided and unprepared.”
From the moment the morning sickness had begun and his stomach began to swell, Hao had spent every second wondering about the life growing in him. Whenever he grabbed anything from the refrigerator, he would have the urge to hold the fruit that his baby was currently the size of, to feel the solid weight of it settling in his hands. Now, his baby was the size of a watermelon, and it felt exactly like he was carrying the bulk of a watermelon strapped to his midsection.
When he stepped out of the shower and glimpsed his naked form in the mirror, he would watch his reflection caress the swollen bulge of his tummy absentmindedly, trying so hard to picture the baby inside—how they would look, how they would behave.
Then when they shopped for clothes, strollers, bibs and all the baby necessities, the aisle stretched on both sides split into pink and blue—Hao debated over the options over and over. How could he be prepared if he didn’t know what his sweet baby would like?
Hanbin slides onto the bed beside Hao and pulls his head closer into his chest, careful of Hao’s position and shifting to accommodate the bump.
“But then I found out it was a girl,” Hao sniffles, voice muffled by Hanbin’s shirt. “And I was so, so happy but I felt even more unprepared than before, because we’ve never had a daughter before.”
Hanbin cocoons Hao in his arms for a moment, one arm wrapped round his back all the way to the front where the tips of his finger brushed his belly and the other held his head gently in a curve. It all made perfect sense now, Hao’s recent constant obsession to perfect everything. He didn’t know how to prepare for the baby’s arrival, so he busied himself with what was in front of him and what he did know how to prepare for: Chinese New Year.
“We’ll figure out how to take care of our little baby girl together, just like we did with Min,” Hanbin reassures him. “And it’ll be fun, I’ll help you pick out the best tiny dresses, don’t worry.”
Hao melts completely into Hanbin’s touch, tension leaving his tightly coiled body for the first time in weeks. “You’re right, she’ll be fine with her fathers’ amazing fashion sense”
“I’m going to have a little sister!”
“Yes, you are,” Hanbin laughs as Min excitedly runs over to them.
“Baba, can you teach me how to say little sister in Chinese?”
“Oh, I know this one, it’s Mei-mei.” Hanbin looks over at Hao for approval, smiling proudly.
“Mei-mei,” Min puts his lips to Hao’s belly and whispers. A little foot kicks back in response, inciting a soft gasp of wonder. The movement is small, proof of something so new and vulnerable. But the tentative fear he used to feel for the unfamiliarity of it all is replaced by a rollercoaster kind of rush.
He catches his husband’s eyes over the top of their son’s head, gazing into the soft twinkle. “Bingbing, I think the only preparation I need now is you.”
“Then you can relax, because I’ll be here with you.”
Chinese New Year festivities were always anything but relaxing, the hustle and bustle of it all was a blessing and a curse.
“Min, you’ll have time to play later, there are visitors coming over”
“Can someone get the door?”
“I can’t find Min’s water bottle!”
Hanbin squeezed Hao’s arm, his hand stayed in a loose grip there to guide him to a chair.
“Don’t worry Baobei, I’ve got it.”
Then he turns to one of Hao’s aunts who had just entered.
“Ni hao, xin nian kuai le!”
His pronunciation might have been a lot less than perfect, but the aunt was beyond impressed.
“Haohao, this is your husband? He’s so handsome!”
His husband, yes. Hao feels a crescendo of affection rise in his chest, the kind of feeling that makes you want to burrow yourself deep into your partner and take in every part of them. Their smell, their touch.
Hanbin doesn’t know what he did to make Hao start following him around while he respectfully shook hands and recited greetings. Maybe Hanbin didn’t have to do anything to arouse the bout of liquid warmth Hao could feel pooling, his very existence was the stimulus.
“Bingbing,” it’s a little needy whine, the last time Hanbin heard it was the night the baby in Hao’s belly was formed. They’re a staggering bundle of wrapped limbs tugging one another as they move into a quiet corner of the kitchen, far away from all the loud buzzing of chatter.
Hao’s hand is already moving towards the fly of Hanbin’s new pants when Hanbin intercepts it by lacing their fingers.
“Ah, we can’t yet, remember?”
His knuckles lightly brush the curve of Hao’s belly. “Our baobao is still in there.”
“Well, she needs to hurry up,” Hao is grumbling, but his fingers unweave with Hanbin’s for a moment to curve around his stomach fondly. “I need to fuck her Appa so bad.”
Hanbin smiles, a lovely twinkle of endearing amusement.
“It’s just to thank you,” Hao insists. “For being the best husband, for being my anchor… and for putting this baby inside of me.”
“I’d love to accept that payment as soon as I could.”
Hao snickers and suddenly, they’re just two boys in love again and it’s so easy to forget that they’re soon-to-be parents of two.
Very soon-to-be parents of two.
“I think she heard us.” Hao’s fingers grip tightly into Hanbin’s wrist. “She’s ready to come.”
“We’re ready too,” Hanbin murmurs into Hao’s hair.