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The tears couldn’t stop flowing. This was so unlike him. Phainon. The Deliverer. Crying over his silly feelings. He had confessed to Anaxa on Monday at 2:28 pm. It was now 3:00 am on Saturday. He told Anaxa he would wait for a response. He told his beloved Anaxa that he wasn’t going anywhere. It wasn’t a lie. He understood that Anaxa needed time to process his feelings. He understood it so painfully well that it hurt to wait.
Why did he confess on a whim? Well, he knew the answer to that. Cipher had been telling him every day since she found out to just tell him but he kept on refusing. “Phainon! You have to tell him how you feel. If you don’t, I’ll do it for you~” Cipher chirped happily as she put an arm around his neck like if they were simply the best of buds. Phainon shook his head rapidly as his face flushed red. “No way! I can’t! I- I’ll ruin it!” Cipher then would sigh and say “Tomorrow then. But you have to confess. I believe in you, Deliverer boy.” Phainon would sigh in relief and would change the subject towards something else.
He told Castorice. She was his best friend, he had to tell her. Especially if Cipher knew. Castorice told him that she would pray for him. He knew why. Mydei and Anaxa are close, very close. Everyone thought they were dating when they first met the pair but they weren’t. “Phainon… I want to believe that you have a chance, I really do.. but.. you know how close they are. I really don’t know what to tell you. I cant just ask Anaxa about it. He’s sort of… oblivious to feelings. If I asked him straight up, he might take it the wrong way and think I like him when that’s not the case. Sorry..” Phainon sighed but he completely understood and gave Castorice a sad smile. “Yeah. I get it. I’ll figure something out.”
Aglaea told Phainon that he should confess, simply so his feelings wouldn’t become unhealthy. “Phainon. Tell him how you feel. There’s nothing wrong with it.” Phainon tried to clarify but was quickly shut down. “I know but—“ “But nothing. You’ve been in love with him for how long?” He looked down and mumbled, “Months..” Aglaea nodded as she continued her sketch, “Tell him. Mydei might not even have feelings for him.” So…
He did it. He confessed to Anaxa. Not in person, but through the teleslate. Titans forbid he said his feelings in person. He had been flirting with Anaxa for a while. So much so that Anaxa thought Phainon was only joking. He had to specify to Anaxa that he liked him. He told his beloved Anaxa; “I like you. I’m not expecting a “oh I like you too”. I guess I just want to be greedy and hope you feel the same by telling you. Yeah, it’s selfish but I’d rather tell you now than hold onto these feeling for a long time where they would definitely be stronger. I’ll still act the same no matter what happens so yeah :p”
He had used “I like you” because “I love you” was too strong even if it was exactly how he felt. When he told the others, they were all happy for him. “Finally! I thought you were never gonna do it!” “Phainon, I could never, you’re so strong!” “Phainon, I’m glad you put yourself out there.” Even after he told them that Anaxa had told him to give him time to come up with a proper response, they were still incredibly positive. “This isn’t a loss, deliverer boy.” “Yeah! What Cipher said. The important thing is that you did it.” Aglaea nodded in agreement, “He said he wanted more time, no? That means he’s taking you seriously. He said it himself, he wants to understand how he feels for you. He wants to be certain of his feelings for you before he says something that could alter your relationship forever.”
Phainon was certain he was going to be rejected. Why? Because of Mydei. Mydei, his friend but also someone whom he felt an ugly jealousy towards. Mydei had casually mentioned to him that he was yearning for Anaxa “as a joke” but Phainon didn’t buy it, he couldn’t buy it. He told the trailblazer this in one of their outings.
”I’ve had a crush on Anaxa for a while and long story short, Mydei might also have feelings for Anaxa and it’s like made me, not realize, but like desperately want to be with Anaxa. And I- I don’t know if Anaxa has feelings for Mydei or not— And I’m jealous. I’m sick of it but I can’t help myself because they’ve spent so much time together.” Phainon rambled on and on to the trailblazer. He was becoming more agitated as the seconds passed. His leg bounced and his teeth had begun to slightly chatter as he spoke. His lip trembled and his voice was shaky. He felt unrefined. Nauseous. The trailblazer patiently listened to Phainon and waited till was done to drop their words of wisdom. “What I would say is to honestly give yourself some time and distance to think about this. Right now, what you're perceiving is this need to get something which is desirable, you have this thought in your head that oh if I dont get it first the Mydei definitely will, which is an anxiety response.”
The trailblazer paused to make sure Phainon was still listening before they continued. “You have to ask yourself why do you actually want Anaxa? Is it just because you're afraid of losing him romantically? As a friend? Or is it just because you feel like you NEED to have him?” Phainon didn’t have an answer. Not at the time. But now he did. Now he had an answer. At 3:00 am, Phainon had an answer.
Phainon grabbed his teleslate from his nightstand and he opened his notes app and began to type. Typing and erasing. He was pouring his heart out in this note. He cried and he wiped away his tears before continuing his note. He felt nauseous. He felt weak but he couldn’t stop. He had to continue. And then… he stopped. At 3:30 am, his answer was complete.
“I actually want him, I love his rants, his smile, the that he’ll have his hand hover over your shoulder when he clarifies something very very specific or needs to make sure you’re understanding, I love his doodles and his drawings, I love his voice - it’s so soothing for me, I love his sense of style, I love how smart he is, how gullible he can be, how his favorite color is orange just like me, and there’s so much more.
I’m afraid of losing him. Romantically and now as a friend. I confessed. I told him I could wait but every second I spend waiting, my heart breaks a little more and starts to ache. I’m afraid he’ll say no and no matter how hard we try, we’ll never go back to being just friends. If he says yes, I’ll be happy but also feel like I’m stealing from my friend, my dear friend Mydei, who also might like him.
I don’t NEED to have him but titans know how much I WANT him. I confessed because I genuinely couldn’t go another day without my feelings being out in the open. I learned that keeping my feelings hidden was bad so I need to let them be known even if I’m rejected. But waiting hurts. Waiting for his reply hurts. I wake up to see if I have a notif from him. I don’t. Yet I can’t help but check.
I get jealous of Mydei who’s so close to him. I feel inadequate. Like my feelings can’t compare to the ones Mydei has for him. I’m jealous of him, and yes, I’m afraid Mydei will steal him away from me. But he’s not mine to own. His feelings aren’t mine to force. And I feel like the ugliest monster for wanting him all for myself.
I can’t help it. But I’ll try my hardest to control it. I won’t let my jealousy ruin what can or can’t be. I’ll swallow the lump on my throat and pray to the titans and world beyond that all will be okay.”
He set his teleslate aside in his bed and stared. He stared at his ceiling for a long moment before the tears and silent sobs escaped him. He loves Anaxa. He loves Anaxa so much but there’s nothing he can do. He’s almost certain that Anaxa doesn’t feel the same. He’s bracing himself for the inevitable rejection. Ready to call Anaxa his White Moonlight.