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And so I waited. I knew damn well he wouldn’t come back but I didn’t wanna accept that. Not just yet. I don’t even know if I can fully accept that now.
Everything is exactly how it was when he left. The rain kept pouring, the wind kept blowing, the grass slowly swayed as my buildings stood strong— yet I felt like I’m crumbling slowly yet quickly. Like my world stood still yet the sun kept going around and around again in the same elliptical. Where the hell was the kid? Had it been weeks, or— months? I didn’t know, I didn’t like to think about it. I did my best to not think about him at that point. Or to even think, just stare off into the nothingness he left behind. Now that I think about it, it felt more like a mirror if anything. I realized that without him, I really had nothing. Look at me, I sacrificed my fucking job for some random kid I was supposed to terrorize and shake wilding nightmares into his brain until he grew older, then it would become a stupid little story he would share with his buddies, and they’d laugh and laugh about how oh “Micha got scared by a little bug in his video game when he was like ten!!” — how pathetic is that?
Though I think I meant something to him, I think I did at least. He told me I was his only friend, I don’t know if I felt pity or what for him but I hung out with him. The kid was actually really sweet now that I think about it. The first time we met, was indirectly. My horrid attempts at scaring him never worked, he always had a curiosity for me. He called me a “ghost” I’m not, but I won’t lie when I say it was interesting for him to guess what I am supposed to be considering I don’t even know myself.
The kid would always pester me into playing things with him. Trying to get me to agree to stupid deals that got in the way of my job at the time, but I just couldn’t say no to him. He would always try to give me random items he probably had at the bottom of his storage chests; I would usually just take the carrots he would leave because I was hungry.
I still remember the day we met face to face, it was inside of an old strip mine, down in the depths of the underground. My objective was to scare the kid by my own means, nobody inside of the guild thought my own means were “good” but it was the best I had. My best was never good enough though, no matter how much I tried it was never enough. Starting to question if I was ever going to be enough or if I was doomed from the start. I’ll never know anymore.
I placed down a chest in the middle of a maze throughout the mine the kids went through. I grabbed a small book and wrote down “LOOK BEHIND YOU” in big bold letters then I open the chest with a creek; placed the book inside and disappeared.
When the boy entered the room, I reappeared waiting for him to finish reading; he starts to turn around.
Then I remember
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“I don’t think you’re scary!!”
Like he was reassuring me, he didn’t understand my objective.
suddenly I froze. This is an innocent kid, he hasn’t done a thing wrong. He just wants friends, I get that you know. I get lonely sometimes!
I couldn’t do it.
I turned around and ran away.
The kid wanted to see me so badly it was honestly funny at this point. He ran down the halls of those dark mines all excitedly, yelling for me to come back just to take another glance at me. It was really sweet. This kid was sick though; not the good kind where something is really awesome you just don’t know how else to explain it other than insult it. The kid was physically ill. He kept on talking about how he was being moved from hospital to hospital. I vaguely remember him also mentioning a purple wristband that was on him at all times. I know what it is now, I didn’t at the time…I didn’t know a lot at the time.
Like how much he had laughed from my struggles and attempts of haunting his dream, such as the time I glitched into a tree while trying to at least get a flinch out of him. Or…
I thought he was getting better, that’s what he told me. I’m not fully sure what happened and I never will be, but I just hope he’s happy. Wherever he is, alive or not, young or old, sick or well. The kid deserves it all, making sure he doesn’t take his last breath with every letter he typed; he wanted to keep me happy— And it worked. After they kicked me out I lost my one purpose. I had lost my meaning, who I was as a whole got crushed directly in front of me. All cause I couldn’t scare a little kid; then suddenly… he gave me a purpose. The purpose of being his friend, yeah it wasn’t much but it was something and that something was enough. I would usually have higher standards than that but…I don’t know…I guess I was desperate to finally become something other than a failure. Or as I am called, a reject.
God the name is so stupid…it fits though. It’s all I am now, my roommate hates my guts and my only friend is a clown who speaks in honks. It’s not like I hate either of them fully, I’ve just got issues. Ones that I’m not fully ready to reveal yet. I know that nobody is perfect, I am well aware of that and I have said it out loud before. Sometimes I just wish I took my own advice. Maybe then I could have a little bit of peace. Maybe then I’d be okay.
I hate whenever they call me “ReGect” but it’s not like I have any better name. I never thought about it or even cared until the kid asked me what it was. My roommate was surprised I was worried when I asked him if he was okay after he went through basically physiological torture. If that doesn’t show how much of an asshole I truly am then I don’t know what does.
I know they’ll leave eventually. I’m not that stupid you know. I have accepted the fact that my purpose will always leave me. My roommate once tried to suffocate me but I have no means to suffocate minus my own internal mind that already cuts off my breathing on the daily so that failed— no matter how much my only friend comforts me I know there are points in time where she gets tired of my shit. There are points in time where I just sit and think like I am now, where I wish me and my roommate weren’t as complicated as we are now, you know? Sometimes we’re friends sometimes we’re trying to kill each other it really depends on how we feel. Yeah that’s just us and how we act but…I didn’t use to be like this. I was different once— never mind. I’ll just say the same words over and over again more than I already have. And I hate repetition, I want these two to be different. I don’t want this life to be another lesson on how everything will leave in the end I want this to be friendship.
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Please don’t let this be another lesson…I don’t think I could sit through another one again—
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“Ay!! Regect!!” I feel a pillow run full force into my body.
“GAHH!! Ah- fuck what was that for?!”
“Dude we’ve been trying to get your attention for ten minutes now!! Now come on, Moe wants to go for a drive tonight.”
“…Oh well alright.” I reply, slowly getting up from the seat that once held me.
My roommate opens up the door out of our house and walks out. My friend does that same, grabbing onto my arm excitedly ushering me out the door. And as soon I take a step out the door I feel a couple drops of water land onto my skin. The sky quickly changes from its original bold bright blue into a dark, dark grey.
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It’s raining…
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“I liked talking to you.”
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Don’t…
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“Will you be here when I get back?”
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Don’t…do that…
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“Cool! Okay Bye bye”
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An the rain kept pouring.
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Please….
This isn’t a lesson I wanted to learn.
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I miss you so so so much Micha.
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So so so much…
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“Regect!”
“Eh- uh huh?”
“You- you good man? You zoned out again.”
“Oh uh-uhm…yeah. Yeah. Let’s just go.”
“Yeah…yeah.”
I suddenly feel the car engine rev up as the water that use to hit my skin slightly taps on the glass.
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Em, I still see you sometimes
In my dreams
In my nightmares
When I’m awake
When I’m asleep
Outside of my architecture
Inside of a long hallway
In the grass
Up in the sky
Inside of my friends
Inside of me
I’ll never forget you, you know. No matter how much I want to.
Thank you, Em. For being my purpose. I would say I’ll see you at heavens gate, but we both know I’d never even be able to see the first steps without being rejected immediately.
It’s in the name after all.
- Regect