Work Text:
The Slytherins were currently having herbology class with the Hufflepuffs, they had partnered up with their friends and had been assigned a plant each.
Dazai and Blaise had teamed up, as usual, and were given a plant that they had to study and take care of for a month.
Blaise was the only one actually doing anything.
He had already watered it, and was currently testing its reactions to different spells and stimuli.
It was some sort of magical variant of the mimosa pudica, aka a touch me not, and they had to document which spells made it react.
Blaise cast a simple lumos spell, causing the plant to flinch and curl slightly. He quickly noted the effect in his parchment before turning to Dazai, who was fidgeting with a small purple plastic lunch box.
Dazai was spraying some of the water they had been given to water their plant into the tiffin, only opening the lid very slightly.
“Dazai… what is in the tiffin?” Blaise asked, very suspicious of Dazai, the suspicion was actually very deserved because of how much chaos Dazai brought to Hogwarts.
Dazai put the water down and closed the lid fully, “Nothing…”
That was definitely not helping Blaise’s suspicions. “Give me the box, what are you hiding??”
Dazai sighed, “Fine, it’s my new pet.”
“Dazai you can’t keep an animal inside of a lunch box-“
“Look,” Dazai pushed the lunch box towards Blaise, “Open it!”
Blaise looked at Dazai, then the box, then Dazai again, before finally deciding to take the risk and open the lid.
“…Is that… mold???”
“Yup~!”
“Dazai why are you growing mold in a random lunch box???”
Dazai grabbed the lunch box from Blaise’s hands, “Excuse you, his name is Moldy Voldy and you will address him as such!”
“You named your ‘pet’ mold after the dark lord?!”
“Yeah but Moldy Voldy is better than Voldemort.”
“Of course.” Blaise put his head in his hands, why did he have such terrible taste in friends?
“I plan on growing more by the way.” Dazai said way too cheerfully, “I need name ideas.”
“Why? Just why??”
˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖
“Hey Ron~!!” Dazai greeted as he sat next to Ron in front of the fire in the gryffindor common room.
“Dazai!” Ron almost jumped out of his skin, “Merlin’s beard, don't sneak up on me like that!”
Dazai rolled his eyes, or technically his eye, “It was barely sneaking, anyway, I have to show you something!”
“Wait, why are you in the Gryffindor common room again?”
“To show you my new pet!” Dazai shoved a purple lunch box into Ron’s hands.
Ron looked at the box and then back at Dazai, “What sort of prank is this??”
“Open it!”
“Why should I?! What if there's a spider or something in it-“
“Ugh, just open it!!”
“:.. fine,” Ron carefully and slowly opened the lid before immediately closing it. “EW!”
Ron threw the lunch box at Dazai, "Don't show me that after we just ate dinner!! Why the bloody hell are you growing mold?!?”
Dazai caught the box, “Hey!! Don’t throw him!!”
“What do you mean him????”
“His name is Voldy Moldy!!!”
“IT'S MOLD!”
“YEAH, HENCE THE MOLDY IN VOLDY MOLDY, DUH!!”
“WHY ARE YOU NAMING MOLD?!?!”
“HE’S MY PET!!”
“I think I‘m going to throw up, that was disgusting to look at-“
“Boo hoo, weakling,”
“Go show it to Draco or something, not me!!”
“Ooh good idea, ok bye!” Dazai got up and left Ron and the Gryffindor common room to hunt down his next victim, Draco.
˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖
Dazai walked into the Slytherin dorms like he owned the place, and immediately kidnapped Draco.
He dragged Draco to one of the dorm rooms where they could have some privacy without other students annoying them, and ‘ruining’ Draco’s popularity or whatever.
“What do you want, Dazai?” Draco scoffed.
“Look at my new pet!” Dazai gave the lunch box to Draco.
“Are you serious? What even is in this-“ Draco pried the lid open and stared at the contents of the box, before shrieking and dropping it. “EW EW EW EW”
Luckily Dazai caught his ‘pet’ before it hit the ground, but he still glared at Draco, “Be careful when you handle him!!”
“I am going to have to wash my skin off, why are you growing mold?!?!”
“Moldy Voldy is my pet and shall inherit all my valuables when I finally kill myself! Also I’m growing him for fun and science!”
“Keep that thing away from me!”
“I’ll name my next mold Lucius to spite you,”
“WHAT!” Draco stopped gagging and glared at Dazai, “Do not use my father’s name like that-“
“Too late, Lucius is already the top name on my list of potential names now, cry about it!” Dazai grinned like the demon student he was before running off to find another lunch box to grow ‘Lucius’ in.
“Dazai, don’t ruin my family name!!!” Draco called after him, but he knew it was too late to stop Dazai. “Damn it!”
˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖
Naturally, Dazai had to bump into Pansy while running away from Draco, because of course he did, god hated him almost as much as he hated himself.
Pansy glared at Dazai, “What are you up to now, demon?”
“How about you see instead?” Dazai opened the lunch box right in front of Pansy’s face.
Pansy gagged and shoved Dazai away, “WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU- YOU MUDBLOOD-“
Dazai giggled as Pansy yelled at him, “That's my pet, Moldy Voldy!”
“YOU ARE GROWING MOLD IN A FUCKING LUNCH BOX??? NO WONDER YOU ACT SO INSANE ALL THE TIME, YOU PROBABLY INHALED SOME TOXIC SPORES-“
“Nuh uh!”
“Yuh uh!”
“I will grow Voldy Moldy’s cousins inside your bed mattress for being so rude and mean to me,” Dazai threatened.
Pansy gasped, “You wouldn't dare!”
“Oh, really? You want to test that?”
“Well- I- UGH!” Pansy huffed in annoyance, "Fine! You win! Just don’t grow mold in my bed, or in any of my belongings! Stay away from me, demon pest!!!”
Pansy stomped off angrily, probably to go and protect her things and check in case Dazai had already planted spores in her mattress.
He hadn’t, of course, at least not yet…
˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖
Dazai needed to learn more about mold. So naturally, he had 2 options.
He could either go to the library, as he does anyway, or find Hermione, traumatise her with Moldy Voldy, and see if she knows anything about mold.
Honestly, the second option was much more entertaining. So obviously, he had to break into the Gryffindor common rooms again, just a day after he traumatised Ron.
“Hey Hermione!” He waved at Hermione, who was doing some homework near the fire.
“Oh, hey Dazai!” She smiled, “Wait, why are you here-“
“I just wanted to ask if you knew anything about my new pet,” Dazai said, sitting next to her.
“New pet? Don't you already have Egg and Featherbrain to care for?” Hermione put her quill down as Dazai made himself comfortable.
“Well, of course, but this pet is different, wanna see?”
“Umm.. sure?”
Dazai grinned and pulled out the lunch box. “Open it!”
Hermione opened the lunch box, and her face quickly went from slightly concerned and suspicious to disgusted and horrified. She shut the box and quickly gave it back to Dazai, before standing up, “I... need to leave,”
“Oh? Why?”
“I think I need to throw up,” she gagged, “Was that mold??”
“Well, duh. His name is Moldy Voldy!”
Hermione looked like she was trying not to puke, “That's… a unique pet… I need to go now…”
Hermione ran off to the girls' bathrooms, leaving Dazai and Moldy Voldy on their own.
Well, Hermione was useless for information. But Dazai thrived in chaos, so it was still kind of worth it.
Either way, the next stop was the library!
˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖
Dazai looked through the library shelves, which should be organised by letter or something but apparently some students didn't know how to put books back because they were illiterate and didn't see that the books starting with L didn't belong with the books starting with Q.
Thank god the library gets magically reorganised after the day ends, or else it would be completely impossible to find anything.
Dazai looked through the section for plants and herbology related books.
He eventually found one about fungi and how to care for them, it had a red cover and was filled with diagrams and care guides.
He grabbed the book and went to find a desk to sit at so that he could read it and learn how to make sure Moldy Voldy stayed alive and healthy.
During his search for a free seating place, he noticed Luna and Ginny sitting in the corner of the library behind some bookshelves, it was a relatively hidden spot compared to the other places in the library.
Dazai walked up to them and sat down on one of the spare chairs, “Hey guys!”
“Oh! Hey Dazai,” Ginny smiled, she was doing transfiguration homework.
Luna looked up from her book, which she was holding upside down for some reason. It was something related to magical creatures. “Hello Dazai, have any garntraps visited you recently? I've heard that they are particularly active at this time of the year.”
“Hmm, not that I’m aware of, anyway, I got a new pet! I’m currently reading up on how to take care of him.” Dazai ignored the fact that garntraps were probably another made up creature that Luna had come up with
“Ooh, what pet?” Ginny asked..
“Oh, well if they do visit, you should be prepared,” Luna handed Dazai a small amethyst, “Garntraps are allergic to amethysts."
“Uh uh… okay, thanks Luna…” Dazai took the amethyst and put it in his pocket. “Anyway, wanna meet my pet?”
“Sure!” Ginny replied before Luna could go on about Garntraps and their behaviours.
Dazai pulled out the purple lunch box and put it in the middle of the desk before opening it, “This is Moldy Voldy!”
“…ew..” Ginny grimaced. “Burn it.”
“We will not burn my new pet! Anyway, do you guys have any ideas on what I should feed him?”
Luna observed the mold carefully, “Hmm.. maybe you should feed it some magical herbs or potion ingredients, it might evolve or have interesting effects…”
“Oooh, I love how you think Luna!” Dazai closed the lid of Moldy Voldy’s habitat. “I’ll steal some stuff in potions class, I’m sure Snape wouldn’t mind because I’m his favourite.”
“Of course you are, I still think we should burn that thing and throw its ashes somewhere deep in the forbidden forest,” Ginny sighed and went back to her transfiguration homework.
Dazai glared at Ginny, “Stop trying to incinerate my pet!”
“That thing is barely a pet!”
“Actually,” Luna interrupted, “It’s technically a living organism, so it could still be considered a pet.”
“Thank you Luna!” Dazai grinned, “Now if you excuse me, I have to read this book.”
Dazai pulled out the book about mold and started reading, trying to find out what other things Moldy Voldy needed to grow.
Ginny facepalmed, “Luna, why do you have to encourage this?!”
“Encourage what?”
“Never mind..”
˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖
Dazai was walking to Defense against the dark arts, aka Lockhart’s class. He would skip, but he kind of wanted to scare Lockhart with Voldy Moldy first.
He was currently walking down a random hallway, usually Blaise would lead him and stop him from getting lost, but he had forgotten one of his textbooks in the slytherin dorms and had gone back to get it. Sure he told Dazai to not move, but Dazai didn't listen to anyone so no one should be surprised that he immediately ran off and got lost.
Dazai watched as the moving staircase he was just about to go on immediately moved out of his way, because of course it did, the castle probably hated him and that’s why he got lost. Obviously it was the castle’s fault. Totally.
He was just about to consider trying to somehow jump and catch the staircase (and most likely fall to his death, fun, but too painful for his taste) when he heard some footsteps.
He turned around and noticed his saviours, who had come to rescue him from the maze that was the hogwarts castle.
“Hey snakey!!” Fred greeted, holding their map.
“Lost again?” George said from right next to him, as usual. The twins were almost never separated.
“Fred! George!! My saviours! I swear this castle hates me!!”
“Sure, which class do you have to be at right now?” George asked.
“Stupid Lockfart’s class.”
“Ew!” Fred grimaced, “Need some help getting there?”
“Yes please!! I’m lost!”
“Hehe.. we can tell,” George ruffled Dazai’s hair.
“Oh by the way, do you guys want to meet my pet?” Dazai asked, deciding this was the perfect time to introduce two of his most loyal gang members to Moldy Voldy.
“New pet?” They both replied at the same time.
“Yup!” Dazai pulled out the purple lunch box. “Take a look.”
George took the lunch box from Dazai, Fred leaned over his shoulder to see what was in it as George lifted the lid.
“His name is Moldy Voldy!” Dazai said proudly, “Luna gave me the idea to feed him potion ingredients and see what happens, we have potions class today so I hope I can steal some stuff from Snape.”
“Dazai…” George said as he closed the lid and handed it back to Dazai, “You could totally prank someone with this.”
“Ooh, yeah, you could like, grow mold in some of Lockhart's books!” Fred exclaimed.
Dazai took his pet back from George, “Or I could poison him!”
“Yeah!”
“Do you guys know any secret passages to Lockhart’s class? I wanna threaten him a bit first,”
The twins grinned, “We know the way boss!”
“Follow us!” Fred guided them towards one of the paintings. He opened the map and said some code that made the painting open up and allowed them to go inside.
They dropped Dazai off in front of the defence against the dark arts classroom, wished him good luck in threatening his professor and ran off to cause chaos somewhere else.
˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖
“Well, well, well, it seems that the demon student has decided to actually show up!” Lockhart announced as soon as Dazai entered the room, “35 minutes late! What were you doing, hmm? Plotting to harm another professor or even an innocent student?! I’ll have you know that I will not allow for anyone to be harmed by the likes of you-“
Dazai rolled his eyes as Lockhart went into a long rant about Dazai being ‘evil’ and how he was going to ‘save hogwarts’ and ‘protect everyone’ from the ‘demon student’. He didn’t even let Dazai take a seat because he insisted on yelling at him in front of everyone.
Lockhart literally yapped for the remaining time of the class, the worst part was that a good chunk of the students present looked like they were actually paying attention to his every word and believed the garbage that he was spewing.
“Ugh, don’t you ever shut up?” Dazai complained, at this point there was only like 5 minutes left of class, “I’m setting Moldy Voldy on you.”
The entire class gasped, including Lockhart. Dazai noticed Blaise in the corner with his head in his hands, the sight only fueled Dazai to continue his threat, “Yeah, you might want to check your room tonight, I might grow mold under your bed if you annoy me too much!”
“M-mold?? That's disgusting-“ Lockhart stammered, “Also did you just declare that you would send the dark lord after me??!! How horrible! 300 marks from slytherin for threatening your teacher-“
“Oh, would you look at the time, class is over, which means no one has to listen to your annoying voice anymore! Bye Lockfart!!” Dazai ran away.
“WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!”
Dazai giggled to himself as he heard Lockhart yelling behind him, he hid in one of the secret passages that the twins had shown him on their map.
He was supposed to have potions next, but they had a short break between classes so he decided to use that time efficiently to take Moldy Voldy and plant his children (spores) in Lockhart’s personal office, and if he put some on the cookies that were on the desk in the hopes that Lockhart would eat them and die of food poisoning or something. (Why did he even have cookies on his desk in the first place? Was he asking to be poisoned?)
˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖
“Dazai, stop taking the potion ingredients, I need those!” Draco scolded as Dazai took one of the magic roots he was cutting up. “What are you even doing with that??”
“Hmm? Just feeding my pet of course!!” Dazai explained as he put the magic root inside of his purple lunch box.
“Ugh, not that mold again-“
“His name is Moldy Voldy! Not just ‘that mold’!!”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Draco rolled his eyes as he took a small vial of something bluish green and put a few small drops into his potion.
They were currently in potions class, since Dazai had forced Draco to be his partner, he was also using this time to feed Moldy Voldy and make him magical.
“Ooh, that looks cool!” Dazai snatched the small vial from Draco and poured it entirely into Moldy Voldy’s habitat, “Moldy Voldy was thirsty.”
“Dazai no-“
“Too late!” Dazai grinned as he threw the empty vial at Draco, “Ooh, he’s changing colors-“
“And why, might I ask, are you wasting precious potion supplies?” A very familiar voice interrupted Dazai from behind.
Dazai turned around, “Ah- Snape! What a surprise! What are you doing here?”
“I teach this class, and it’s professor Snape. Now what are you doing with the potion supplies?” Snape questioned, he stared at the purple lunch box in Dazai’s hands.
“Umm… Nothing?” Dazai lied.
“Sir!” Draco immediately decided to be a little bitch and tattle to Snape, “He’s using it to feed his ‘pet’ mold!”
“Snitch!!” Dazai glared at Draco.
“Mold??” Snape looked disgusted, “Where is it? Give me that Lunch box-“
“Fuck you Draco,” Dazai whined as he was forced to hand over the lunch box. “His name is Voldy Moldy, be nice to him.”
Snape took the box and opened it.
Inside, was Moldy Voldy, who had not only gotten bigger than before, but was also changing colors and twitching every few seconds.
Snape stared at the mutated mold in horror, “This needs to be destroyed immediately-“
“What?! NO! MY BABY!!”
Snape ignored Dazai as he pulled his wand out of his pocket and pointed it at Moldy Voldy, “Incendio!!”
“NOOOO!”
Dazai started crying fake crocodile tears as Moldy Voldy was burnt alive by his cruel, evil, potions teacher. “YOU KILLED HIM!!”
Snape sighed, “It was moving and changing colors. In fact, it was probably releasing spores. I think you should go to Madam Pomfrey to check if you accidentally inhaled any of them.”
“What?! But I didn’t inhale any-“ Dazai protested.
Snape ignored Dazai’s whining and turned to Draco, “And you, make sure he actually goes to the infirmary.”
“Yes sir!” Draco replied and grabbed Dazai, “Come on.”
Snape watched as Draco dragged Dazai out of the classroom, while Dazai kicked and whined and complained endlessly.
Dazai obviously could easily escape from Draco’s grip, but he found it much more entertaining to annoy the hell out of him instead.
˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖
Eventually, they made it to the infirmary. Sure, Draco might have grown gray hair and had scratch marks from Dazai’s struggling, but the scratches weren’t deep (he would still bitch about it of course, he had to milk any injury for all it’s worth.), and the gray hair basically blends into his ugly blonde hair anyway.
“Why are you here in the infirmary again mr. Malfoy?” An elderly voice asked.
“Madam Pomfrey! Dazai scratched my arms! I can barely feel them!” Draco immediately whined, “Oh, also Professor Snape sent me to bring Dazai here because he was carrying magic mold around school for like, the past few days.”
“Hehe… hi pom pom…” Dazai waved at Madam Pomfrey.
“….Magic mold?!” She was very confused and also not very surprised because this is Dazai we are talking about, “Come here, who knows what effects it might have on you.”
Dazai groaned but still walked up to Madam Pomfrey for a quick check up.
“Um, madam Pomfrey, these scratch marks-“ Draco complained before immediately being interrupted by Madam Pomfrey.
“They aren’t even bleeding, now don’t waste my time on silly things and leave! I have an actual patient to attend to.”
Draco quickly left before Madam Pomfrey got even more annoyed with him. (This was one of the few smart decisions he had made in his life.)
˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖
After the very long check up and very long lecture about eating habits, taking care of himself, and not growing magical mold in a lunch box and bringing it around the school despite not knowing what types of magical properties it even had, Dazai finally left the infirmary.
Madam Pomfrey had declared that she had not found any effects of the mold yet, but he had to go back for another check up in a few days in case something did happen.
Which he obviously wasn’t going to do, but he said he would anyway so that he could escape faster.
He went back to the slytherin dorm and spent the rest of the day mourning his pet mold, while the rest of the hell's hounds (minus Luna and the twins) were thanking all the gods for getting rid of it.