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Their room felt cozy; it was one of the only safe places they had left. Illumina couldn't tell their family how they felt because they were afraid. When their family saw them crying, they assumed Illumina was faking it. Whenever they cried, tears would not fall, which resulted in people saying they faked their emotions for attention.
Oh, how they wanted to be seen. But they also felt scared to be seen: what would people think of them? They were drowning in emotions that they couldn't express due to the lump in their throat that never went away. They just felt tired - tired of acting like their normal self from before they were overcome by that familiar feeling. The noises and visuals that weren't there drove them insane as well.
Memories of those nights were vivid, no matter how much Illumina tried to forget them. I'm dramatic. I'm not valid. I'm not enough. The words kept replaying in their head like a broken record. Arguments shouldn't affect me this much, should they?
It wasn't just the arguments - other things happened as well. It never felt like anyone thought they were enough. Illumina told Telamon, but it never resonated with him that they were ill. Depression had caught up to them when they were only eight years old; it was just too much for them to handle.
The signs were there: they never left their room, they left plates to rot, and they never talked to anyone. Getting better at eleven made Illumina seem like their old self from before it happened, yet the empty feeling persisted.
They wanted to be normal - not broken.