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They seemed to be dropping like flies now.
Mordin had really taken a toll on Shepard. The Salarian had always been respectful towards him, only prodding at him in a very specific way. Yes, he had offered him information about turian intercourse, but he approached it in a very medical and matter of fact way. And it had been very useful. He had tried offering the human sleeping tips, and spoke about how bad alcoholism is for humans. But it never felt like he was being nosy, he saw Shepard's issues and offered him solutions or information instead of worry. He preferred that more than the emotional way most of his friends approached him. It made him less nervous, more in his depth. His issues being treated more as a mountain to climb than an emotional journey made them easier to overcome. Mordin wasn't hard to talk to for that reason, they could argue but it never changed things. Bailey almost wished now that he had offered Mordin more to pry at, and had invited Mordin to come spend time with him. Every opportunity he had before to spend time with him he had spent alone, drinking or sinking into dark places.
Thane had been the same, he didn't have enough time with him. Though he had deeper conversations with the Drell. They had spoken about regret and grief, many darker things. It hadn't all been depressing, Thane had been very good at providing Shepard with more uplifting subjects when necessary. He liked how matter of fact Thane was about things, and didn't play games with Shepard. They had a lot of similarities, different backgrounds and different lives, but there was a bond there. Shepard even offered up information about himself to Thane, which he rarely did. He told him about growing up on earth, how he never wanted to live like that again. How that fear drives him in many ways. About Torfan. And Thane had still cared for him after really knowing him. Thane had pointed out that Shepard had many friends who would help him if things ever got so dire,like they had been before. Bailey knew Thane meant he would help him, but that offer had a time limit. He knew Thane would die soon, but he hadn't anticipated the attack on the citadel. He thought he'd have more time with his friend. The last prayers Thane offered him had struck him deep enough for him to retreat to the Normandy like a kicked dog.
He had managed to keep a straight face, avoiding anyone who could see through the wall he was struggling to keep up. When he finally made it to his cabin, his hands were shaking. They only started doing that recently, he had to switch to pistol more often for that reason now. His aim wasn't what it used to be, which was something they couldn't afford right now. Ever since he stopped drinking, things he had been avoiding thinking about had become a lot more clear. The names lining the wall hadn't helped, two more were to be added soon. The memorial for all he had failed was a lot longer than just who he had lost aboard the Normandy. The names of the lives he had been reckless with on Torfan. The Batarian slavers he had been so ruthless towards, did they deserve the fate he had forced onto them? That moral dilemma was one of the things that kept him up at night. His way of thinking had changed a lot since then, becoming a spectre had given him confidence. He had been so afraid to fail, to wind up in the slums of his childhood again, that he had been willing to do whatever it took to get the job done. Being a spectre quelled that fear a little, enough to allow himself to go his own way. He had been praised by many for his actions on Torfan. But when his hair started to grey from stress and he couldn't kick his drinking habit, the praise only felt like a kick in the guts. The rehabilitation while he was grounded on earth had been for the best, his liver couldn't take much more no matter how many implants Cerberus had shoved in him. And he had to think clearly now more than ever. The side effect being the emotional turmoil hitting him harder, the length of time he had been medicating it with alcohol making it sink deeper.
Before he knew it he was in the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face and breathing so hard he felt like he was drowning. Was this how Thane felt everyday as his illness ate away at his ability to breathe? He could pretend like the tears were not there, the water dripping off his cheeks was only from the sink. But that was as true as it would be to say that Commander Shepard is a hero. No matter what he did, he'd always have a graveyard haunting his record.
Somehow he ended up on the floor , his head between his bent knees. The tears were undeniable now, his heaving and shaking were clear. He couldn't stop it, no matter how weak it made him feel. How is he supposed to be the strong leader the Galaxy needs him to be if he can't even get himself to stop crying.
He swung out his fist on instinct when a hang grabbed his shoulder. Luckily it didn't make contact, or else he would have punched Liara in the jaw.
"Shepard! Do you need medical attention??" Liara ignored the punch, her hands on his arm and back.
She slid her hand to his face, pushing it up gently, likely checking for any signs of impairment. Bailey pulled his face away, ashamed of being caught like this. He tried to lean his body away from his friend, afraid she'd see him like this and lose all hope for the galaxy.
"Bailey....." Liara hovered for a moment, before sitting at his side. "I came here to ask you something, I'm sorry if I intruded......"
Liara watched him for a moment, his wailing had stopped but the shaking and breathing was uncontrollable. Liara scooted closer and put a hand on his back, rubbing in soothing circles.
"But maybe I'm not sorry, I think it's a good coincidence that I came to see you now. Knowing you, you'd have stayed as you are now with no one to help you."
"I don't need help with this.....I just need......I need...." Bailey groaned at the tremor in his voice, wiping a hand down his face. "I need to make sure you all survive this."
Liara frowned. "You have already done so much—"
"I could have done more.” He punched the ground in frustration. “I should have died on Torfan, maybe everyone I failed since then would be alive now if I did.”
Liara grabbed him by the shoulders forcefully, pulling him up to face her. Her warm hands made him complacent, feeling almost boneless as she grabbed him.
“Don't you ever say that.” She said seriously. “I know you regret how things worked out on Torfan, I know it's been hard. I watched you struggle for all these years. I know you try to hide how you feel from us all. But through all of your struggles you've helped us, you've helped so many. I would be dead if it wasn't for you, and I don't want to live in a galaxy that doesn't have Bailey Shepard in it.”
Bailey just stared at her, his best friend. He felt lucky then, to be someone Liara cared for, the feeling made the tears come back. Liara frowned at the tears that streamed down his face again. But gasped when he buried his face in her neck and squeezed his arms around her middle.
“Oh Bailey…” she said affectionately, her voice sounding wet.
“I love you Liara.” He sobbed. “I…I don't have a family but you….you are my family…”
“Really?” Liara froze, but laughed gently after a minute. “I hope I'm more of a sister than a mother to you.”
Bailey pulled back, glaring at her half heartedly.
“Of course I don't see you as my mom,” he groaned. “I don't know what it means to have a sister, but I think what we have is that.”
Liara smiled, moving her hand up to wipe underneath his eyes with a gentle hand. Her fingers traced over the scars on his face, leftovers from Cerberus rebuilding him. She had never touched him like this, he wouldn't have allowed it. But at this point in his life, when his mind felt clearer and he could die any minute. He let himself enjoy the touch of a friend. She watched as his eyes closed peacefully, like a fighter dog accepting a gentle hand for the first time in its life. She felt a little braver and moved her hand up to card through his hair, surprised at how soft it felt in between her fingers. She smiled when his head leaned into her touch, a subtle ask to pet through his hair a little more.
“You deserve to live a peaceful life after this is all over.” She ruffled his hair and moved her hand down to hold his gently. “You and Garrus should retire someplace serene, I've heard earth has some very peaceful places to live.”
Bailey's eyes shot open.
“I—” he began to protest but sighed instead. “ If we live through this….yeah…..that sounds nice.”
—————
Bailey watched as Garrus removed the final piece of his armor, the tight bodysuit underneath removed a moment later. Bailey smiled as the turian laid next to him in bed, humming happily when he was pulled into his chest. Garrus pushed his plated face into Bailey's hair, he had grown to like the soft strands on his head.
Garrus had all but moved into the commander's room, most nights were spent holding each other now. Moving from being so uncertain on where they stood, to being ‘boyfriends’ had been one of Bailey's happiest moments. Most of his best memories had Garrus in them. He felt like he was floating whenever they got to be alone like this, like everything else just melted away when Garrus was touching him.
“Liara told me that I should play with your hair more often.” Garrus spoke up suddenly, his voice causing Shepard to crack his eyes open.
“...Why would she say that?”
“Well, she came to see me right after visiting you, and told me that when she was touching your hair you really seemed to like it.”
“Is Liara my wingman now?”
Garrus chuckled, and pushed his claws into the human's short hair. Bailey sighed, immediately pushing his head into the contact. It was true that he enjoyed this feeling, so foreign but so soothing. Many people would remember a parent petting their hair like this, but his childhood hadn't had much affection in it. No parents to raise him properly, maybe he’d be a well adjusted adult if he had parents. Garrus wiggled his mandibles and purred as he watched the human enjoy his touch. Bailey smiled at the noise, loving the sounds Garrus’ subvocals made when they were affectionate to each other. Knowing he caused those noises made his chest feel warm.
“She also said that when we get married she'd help us find a place to settle down.” Garrus spoke gently, almost shy.
Bailey jerked to look Garrus in his eyes, his own wide and full of surprise.
“Married?”
Garrus got a little more nervous then, his mandibles retreating closer to his face.
“Well….yeah. The idea of being somewhere quiet with you, spending our lives there ... it sounds nice.”
Bailey watched his face, sifting through all his knowledge of turian expressions to try to read any hints of a joke. When he didn't find anything like that on Garrus’ face, he scooted an inch closer.
“You would… want to do that… with me?”
“I'd do anything with you Shepard.” Garrus's mandibles perked up in what was a turian smile. “Is it too soon to be talking about marriage?”
“Maybe but…..” Bailey absent-mindedly pet Garrus’ chest plate. “I've felt a lot of strong feelings for you since we met. I know us being official is kinda new but I think I've known for a while that if I could choose one person to spend the rest of my life with, it would be you.”
Garrus’ smile grew wider. His arms wrapped around the human, squishing him against his chest so he could push their foreheads together. Bailey pushed his forehead closer, knowing that it would mean a lot to Garrus at this moment. The turian sighed, moving his claws back up to Bailey's hair.
“You said you felt a lot of strong feelings since we met?”
Bailey blushed. Squeezing his eyes shut in embarrassment.
“Yes I…..I've always been attracted to you. You're tall and sharp and I think you're funny.”
“That's all?” Garrus chuckled.
Bailey kicked him lightly, the turian just tangled their legs together in response.
“Lets just say, the time I thought we would always just be friends was pretty rough for me to grapple with.” Bailey looked away, his expression growing dim. “And then I died and the world felt like it moved on without me. I tried to worry about it less, but I… I don't know … whenever I was with you it got worse.”
“You really had feelings for me that early on?” Garrus looked at him with surprise, his sharp eyes wide and full of emotion.
“I'm surprised you didn't notice, Joker said I was being obvious.”
“Maybe for a human.” Garrus chuckled. “If I had picked up on any signs from you earlier, I may have realized I felt something for you sooner.”
Bailey smiled lightly.
“When do you think you started having feelings for me?”
“Oh, it's hard to say. I think I felt something since we met as well, but I didn't pick up on it until a little before you died.”
It was Bailey's turn to be surprised.
“I thought you only started having feelings for me after we slept together.”
Garrus laughed, so hard that it shook the human against his chest.
“I've never told you that?” Bailey shook his head, Garrus's face dimmed. “ I was looking up human flirtation methods on the day the Normandy was destroyed. You died and I grieved you how someone might grieve a lover, I missed your touch even though I'd never felt it. You came back and…..it was hard.”
“Why was it hard?”
“I wanted to hold you, to prove that you were really there, but I couldn't.” Garrus's face lit up a little. “And then you offered me casual sex and I thought hey, this is as close as I'll ever get to really having him.”
“I don't think I'm very good at casual, it was a very naive idea.” Bailey leaned his head into the hand in his hair again. “Being stuck on earth was awful, I was so unsure on how things would be between us. Or If you would even be alive.”
“We're both alive.” Garrus smiled. “We're alive and we love each other and we're gonna survive this, so we can have Liara pick out a home for us.”