Chapter Text
“Snooz—Turn the alarm off Cosmo.”
Seungwan takes a deep breath, then another. Waking up in the morning is becoming more and more difficult with each passing day. She has been feeling more tired than usual since the start of the year, maybe it is a hidden illness, or maybe she is just tired of living the same life she has been living for the past three years.
She reaches for her phone on the nightstand. Checks the time and then punches in a command for Cosmo to inform her about her schedules for the day. Ever since she got Cosmo, a prototype agentic robot rolled out by BaeTech, her life has been much more organized, it makes her focus more on work. These days, she doesn't allow herself the luxury of lingering in that space between sleep and waking, that dangerous territory where thoughts creep in unbidden.
Padding across the carpet, she takes a peek inside the closet to grab herself a semi formal work attire. The guest bedroom is much smaller than the master bedroom. It has a queen bed, a small dresser and a single loveseat in the corner. It is really amazing that somehow everything in this marriage makes her feel small, even her so-called safe space.
Through the wall, due an unfortunate architectural choice of having the guest bedroom built on the other side of the penthouse right opposite to the master bedroom with the left wall sharing the same wall as the bathroom of the master bedroom, she can hear the shower running. Joohyun's shower.
For some reason she feels like an intruder everytime she hears the water running, imagining being a weirdo about her own wife made her feel disgusted about herself. So most of the time, she leaves for work even before Joohyun is awake to save herself from the torture. Unlike today, because she stayed up late and then asked Cosmo to snooze her alarm three times in a single morning, this life is really getting to her now.
Seungwan moves through her own routine with the spirit of a nine to five corporate worker possessing her. She showers within ten minutes, puts on her dress shirt and trousers, slips a boring burgundy sweater on top of it and grabs her heels from the corner of the room where she keeps all her footwear.
She's twenty-eight years old and she has perfected the art of taking up as little room as possible, both physically and emotionally. It's a skill she has been honing since college, since the first time Joohyun kissed her against the wall of her apartment and then left before she woke up.
While she is grabbing her stuff to put in her bag, Cosmo beeps and then reads out a message. “Unrecognized entity spotted in parking garage, Level S2.” It is the third one of the week. Maybe it is time to add unnecessary security alerts into the defect list of Cosmo, it needs better programming to know the difference between a simple delivery person and an intruder.
By the time she gets to the kitchen to make herself a quick cup of coffee, Joohyun's hair dryer goes off through the closed door—it is always closed, even for her, her wife—which means within ten minutes she would be out of her room, so she has to hurry.
Making coffee for two is a muscle memory now. A part of her routine. Two cups. One with sugar and cold cream. It belongs to Joohyun. Truth is that she doesn't know if she still drinks her morning coffee like that, she just assumed since it was what she witnessed in the morning when she stayed over at Joohyun’s place. One with nothing, just black coffee. It belongs to her. Because bitterness is an acquired taste and she's acquired it thoroughly.
She sets her wife's cup on the counter, doesn't even know if she drinks it or not, still she leaves it there because she has been doing this for three years, it wouldn't make sense to suddenly stop even though sometimes she wants to.
Joohyun's room is quiet, meaning she could come out anytime now. Why did she even wake up early today? It is probably for a shoot. Seungwan tried to match their schedules but her wife didn't deem it necessary and by the time Cosmo came around, she just lost her will to ask for anything from her.
Seungwan picks up her own cup and drinks the coffee way too fast, scalding her tongue. A wave of rage washes over her for a few moments before she hears the sound of heels clicking, so she gulps the rest of the coffee and rushes out of the main door before Joohyun reaches the kitchen. They've perfected this pass over where they manage to dodge each other despite living in the same space.
Two people who once knew every inch of each other's bodies and now can't occupy the same hallway.
In the elevator, descending through eighteen floors of luxury apartments, she comes across plenty of couples living there who actually love each other, daily. Seeing them always manages to make her day even more worse as if it is not just the start of her day.
Her fingers always seem to find the golden band wrapped around her ring finger, it has become a habit to twist it, almost remove it, then put it back on.
The elevator door opens to their personal parking garage, S2. She walks over to her car while the spot next to it is empty. Joohyun's car is most of the time with her manager and as far as she knows, her wife's manager has the luxury that the world seems to arrange itself around Bae Joohyun. The same luxury doesn't transfer over to her so she has to drive herself to work and start her day early because traffic exists.
(___)
Seungwan has been the CEO of BaeTech, a subsidiary of her father-in-law's business empire, for a year now. She wants herself to believe that she earned this but she knows a conviction like this only exists in her delusions. It is probably because she married Joohyun and her father thought it would be nice for Seungwan to have some sort of status that could rival Joohyun, so people would not talk about how his daughter settled when she actually did.
Unlike being Joohyun's wife where she barely has to put any effort, her work as a CEO was different. Her father-in-law is strict when it comes to his empire and her being an outsider in his family only added to that strictness. By the end of each week she has to report to him about the progress of the company's upcoming projects and lately the work has become tedious because product launches are being rolled out.
Her office is on the fourteenth floor of a glass tower in Gangnam, and it's nicer than her bedroom at home. Leather couch, her own mini fridge filled with drinks and snacks, marbled wooden desk, a chair that might be more comfortable than her bed and a view of Han River that always helps her whenever she wants to clear her mind.
She doesn't care much about these things though when she starts her work, then the only thing she cares about are the three monitors on that desk, the numbers that flow across them like water, the quarterly reports that she can fix.
Unlike her marriage.
“Orange juice, Ms. Son?” Minjeong, her secretary, appears in the doorway with the timing of someone who has mastered the art of reading her mood.
She is holding a cup from the cafe on the ground floor, the content inside it is vibrant, there is ice in it too. “You're a lifesaver,” Seungwan says, accepting it. It does wonders to her headache, they have been frequent for the past few months, probably work related. The ice helps with her poor tongue that got burned by the coffee she made in the morning.
“Rough morning? You look like you need some sleep,” Minjeong asks with genuine concern. They are not friends but if there is anyone who makes her time here bearable it is her.
“Yeah…I just slept late.” She takes another sip and then looks up. “What is on the agenda?”
”There is a conference call with the Mitsubishi investors, then a presentation for the testing reports and Chairman Bae have requested for—”
“—Please tell me marketing did not mess up the beta release. Is that why he is asking for me?”
Minjeong's expression does something complicated. “There were some documentation errors as far as I know.”
“Great!” Throwing her hands in the air, she forces her eyes shut and rests her head against the back of her chair. “Anything else?”
“Actually, yes.” Minjeong quips. “Mrs. Bae called.”
That is new. Seungwan opens her eyes. Her wife barely calls her. “Uh and what did she want?” Her curiosity gets the better of her, even now the thought of Joohyun reaching out for her is enough to make her heart lurch.
“Something about a gala hosted by Vogue Korea.” Her assistant scrolls on her tablet and then nods. “Her publicist sent something about requiring you two to be photographed together because of the recent…” Minjeong trails off, suddenly finding her tablet very fascinating.
Her face falls and she finishes the sentence flatly, “... Rumors.”
“I didn't say that.”
“Text her that I will be there.”
Minjeong nods and makes a beeline for the door. “You know she is very lucky to be married to you,” she says, stopping by the door. And just as Seungwan is about to nod, she drops another harsh truth on her. “She changed your life too, so in a way you should be thankful that you're married to her too.”
The words land like a punch. Minjeong means well, poor thing does not know the entire reality of their marriage, so she does not blame her for thinking like that. For most people this is just an arranged marriage, what they don’t realise is that it is even more extreme than that, just an arrangement for them to play house for cameras.
“Yes,” Seungwan says, and even she can hear how hollow it sounds. “Very lucky.”
When Minjeong leaves, she pulls up her phone as Cosmo’s robotic voice echoes through her earbuds. “Unrecognized entity spotted in parking garage, Level S2.” She archives it without paying much attention. Seungwan has a company to run. She doesn't have time for glitches in the building's automated system.
Her mind starts to wander off to the event she has to attend with Joohyun, where the only reason she is needed there is to look like her trophy wife, because someone is constantly spreading rumors that the beloved actress is not happy in her marriage. It is true.
A sigh escapes from her mouth as she pulls up the documentation that has some faults in it, the earful from Chairman Bae is going to be a headache, so she has to think of something to lessen the blow and interview the interns who were in charge of it.
(___)
She is twenty one, a senior in SNU’s business program, doing an internship at Lotte. That is where Seungwan meets Sooyoung, a set designer for the kpop industry, and they end up becoming friends.
That is how she finds herself in a crowded club in Hongdae. Apparently, her friend hit it big by getting hired by a renowned production crew during her internship and she ended up being a set designer for a drama that broke the viewership records. So here she was attending the success party as Sooyoung’s plus one.
Seungwan takes another sip from her pint of beer as she slowly loses sight of Sooyoung who is having the time of her life at the dancefloor. Her friend is the life of the party, it is a given that she is dressed appropriately for the occasion, while here she is in her boring white shirt and jeans along with a leather jacket which was recommended by Sooyoung.
Just as she is about to put the glass back on the counter she feels a slight push which results in her spilling the rest of the beer on her jeans.
”Fucking great!”
A woman comes from behind and she is so ready to lash out on her until she looks up. The woman who has her hand on her shoulder and is looking down at her drenched thighs is stunning in that effortless way that makes Seungwan squirm.
Older—definitely older with sharp features and soft eyes, dark hair falling past her bare shoulders, wearing nothing but a one piece white dress that is barely below her thighs. One thing is for sure, there is no way she is someone normal with that face and body, by next morning she figures that woman is indeed not a commoner.
“I am so sorry.”
The woman apologizes as she leans further to see how much beer has been spilled on her. Seungwan can smell her perfume, it is something dark, like if velvet was a smell, it would be the scent coming off from this woman.
“It’s…fine,” she stammers as she tries to create some distance. “I’ll wash it off,” a weak continuation follows as she points towards the bathroom.
“Nooo…” The woman shakes her head. ”Let me help you, please.”
She stands near the sink awkwardly while the woman dabs a wet towel over her drenched jeans, finding the entire situation very compromising and inappropriate in a way.
“You were not having fun out there,” the woman says as she throws the wet paper towel in the dustbin and leans against the sink.
Seungwan tries for casualness and lands somewhere around mildly awkward. “Is it that obvious?”
“I noticed.” A small smirk appears on the woman's face. “Everytime I came around for a drink, you were sitting there still struggling to finish that drink of yours.” She said pointing towards the wet patch on her jeans.
“So you decided to get rid of it for me?” Seungwan quips, wanting to disappear, because she did not have it in her to keep the conversation going with such a pretty woman.
The woman chuckles, “You’re funny…I am Joohyun by the way.”
“Seungwan,” she replies in hope that this will be the end of their conversation.
“Seungwan,” Joohyun repeats her name slowly, like she is testing how good it sounds on her tongue. “Not a big fan of parties?”
“You can say that…” the rest of the sentence gets caught up in her mouth when she finds the woman—Joohyun in her personal space.
Joohyun just smirks and runs her finger through the lapels of her leather jacket before she tugs on its collar. “Good…then let's get somewhere more private shall we.”
And here's the thing, Seungwan isn't as boring as she seems, she is impulsive in a careful way. Something about this woman draws her in and she wants to say yes to whatever she is offering, which she has an idea about but doesn't want to get too ahead of herself. “Yes.”
They end up at Joohyun's apartment because it was nearest to the club and when she informed Sooyoung that she was leaving with someone the only thing she got back in reply was a water splashing emoji. The small talk during the ride back to the place is mostly about Seungwan and what she does because whenever the conversation shifts to Joohyun all she says is that she'll know all of her by tomorrow.
Just as the door to the apartment clicks shut behind them, Joohyun turns to face her with a dark glint in her eyes. She steps closer, backing Seungwan against the wall. “You are not as shy as you pretend to be,” says Joohyun, her breath warm against Seungwan’s ears. “I can see it in the way you were eyeing me in the bathroom.”
Seungwan swallows hard, she couldn't deny it because it was the truth. “I never vouched for my innocence in there…did I?”
She lets herself get pushed against the wall with Joohyun's hands roaming under the leather jacket. There is a lopsided grin on the woman's face while her hands push back the jacket off her shoulder, making it fall on the floor.
Joohyun kisses like she does everything else, with complete confidence and complete control. Her hand cups the back of Seungwan's neck, fingers threading into her hair, and Seungwan makes an embarrassing noise that gets swallowed by Joohyun's mouth.
The hurried walk from the living room to the bedroom is just a hazy sensation and the next time she registers what is actually happening, Joohyun is on top of her, straddling her thighs with a gaze that screams trouble.
She looks to her sides to see how that white dress rides up Joohyun's thighs and then meets her eyes, her mouth opens to sighs and then she is hooking her hand around Joohyun's neck to crash their lips together.
When Seungwan wakes up at 7AM because her body does not know how to sleep past seven even on weekends—Joohyun is gone. She leaves her number on her phone along with a text message from an hour ago telling her that she will be in touch.
It becomes a pattern.
They crash into each other's bed with increasing frequency. Is it controversial? Seungwan chooses to ignore the fact that a famous actress who is five years older than her is having casual sex with her on a weekly basis. It's good, actually better than good sex that makes her understand why people go as far as writing poetry about it
But it is just an arrangement, just sex with no strings attached. They do not see each other beyond the four walls of their apartments. And for some reason Joohyun never stays the night even when they do it at her apartment.
One night, three months into their arrangement, Joohyun shows up at her door at midnight with takeout and wine, which was new because usually she doesn't even wait for the door to close before she pounces on her. “I couldn't sleep.”
Seungwan is, of course, still awake. Juggling classes and internship is hard, so she only gets to study at night. She lets Joohyun in because she always lets Joohyun in.
So they eat. Seungwan on her study table and Joohyun on her bed. The actress talks about being confused on what scripts to choose for her next project while Seungwan uses it as background noise which surprisingly helps her focus on her textbooks.
“You are not like others,” Joohyun slurs after a couple of hours with too much wine in her system. “Not expecting anything back in return.”
Seungwan turns to look at the actress who is half sitting and half laying, she looks so pretty like this. The thing is that she wants to ask if expecting something from her would be bad but she is terrified of the answer. Instead, she says, “Is that a good thing?”
“Yes…” Joohyun trails off, loops her arms around her when she reaches to help her lie down property “...You’re easy.”
Seungwan turns the word over in her mind. It stings for some reason, being easy shouldn't feel bad but it does.
That night, Joohyun falls asleep in her bed. A first without any sex. Seungwan lies awake next to her, watching the rise and fall of her chest, the way her hair spills across the pillow, the flush on her cheeks, the way her lips press together when she runs a finger though her hair. And she thinks, “This is going to hurt.”
Seungwan is someone Joohyun reaches for when she wants nothing.
Joohyun is not going to look for someone like Seungwan when she wants everything.
Towards the end of her final semester, their encounters begin to lessen. It all makes sense when Joohyun starts mentioning someone named Seulgi “This director I'm working with—she's brilliant. Like, she sees things in ways I didn't think were possible. She is so difficult to read but that is what makes her interesting.” And Seungwan watches the light in Joohyun's eyes when she talks about Seulgi's vision, Seulgi's talent, Seulgi's fucking *everything* and knows.
She expects it to not hurt when Joohyun eventually calls it off, it fucking stings. “I think it is time for us to stop.”
“Whatever you're happy with,” Seungwan says and stops Joohyun from writing her a cheque as a NDA, it is not necessary because she is never going to share those memories with Joohyun to the world.
Her breaking point comes when Joohyun pulls her in for a hug before parting. “You are amazing, you know that?” She kisses her forehead like she is a precious being who deserves to be handled with gentleness. ”I hope whoever ends up with you knows how lucky they are.”
She stands there, hands clenched inside the pocket of her coat and smiles at her. “I hope you'll be happy.”
That's the last time she sees Joohyun for two years.
(___)
Joohyun stands in front of her closet, it would be more accurate to call it a room within the master bedroom.
It should be impossible, she thinks, for silk to feel heavy, but the Valentino dress she is wearing—deep emerald green, sleeveless and backless—feels very heavy. The dress is perfect, of course. It highlights all the things magazines write about—her collarbones, her waist, the elegant line of her back.
She still doesn't like it so she takes it off and puts her robe back on. On her bed are eight dresses handpicked by her stylist for tomorrow's event. She has tried five but so far none of them match her taste.
For a moment, it is a brief one so she can pretend it did not happen, she catches herself opening her mouth to call Seungwan in her room to ask her which one looks better on her. The kind of casual domestic intimacy that actual married couples have, that she and Seungwan have never had, not even in the beginning when there was at least proximity, if not closeness.
Her phone buzzes on the dresser, so she picks it up. Her publicist, Jimin, is just giving her the usual reminders before any public appearance.
“I think you are being stalked or something,” Jimin sighs after they finish talking about the usual quota for tomorrow's event. “These blind items about your marriage are getting more detailed.”
Right. Joohyun doesn't know how but for the past six months there have been articles released by tabloids on Naver about how her marriage is just a loveless arrangement on paper. It is, she won't deny it, and she plans on keeping it that way. But she is the nation's beloved actress and getting associated with messy marriage rumors just doesn't do her reputation any favors.
“It is probably because me and Seungwan don't share our married life on every given chance so they think there is something wrong,” she replies to Jimin. “I’ll handle it with PDA tomorrow so don't get too worried about it.”
She is an actress, faking chemistry is quite literally her expertise. And with Seungwan it is even easier because there will be no awkwardness after one or two public kisses—they literally used to sleep together.
“Are you going to be okay for tomorrow?” Jimin drops the professional tone and asks the real question. “I mean it is your first public appearance with Seulgi since the breakup.”
Joohyun thinks, briefly, about Seulgi. It was a given that they were going to work together again in their careers especially when they became even bigger than what they used to be. Her new script was written by Lee Kyoungmi and after a few meetings with her, it seemed like Seulgi was the front runner for that director position.
She cannot let go of an exceptional script just because of her ex who dumped her. Truth to be told, they have been civil for the past three years. Despite the breakup stinging, it wasn't messy. Seulgi was right after all, if she cannot get what she wants from Joohyun, it was a given that their relationship would not have survived.
“I’ll be fine.” She assures her publicist and after exchanging goodbyes and reminders for tomorrow, she ends the call.
The main door beeps and it is followed by the sound of a door shutting which means Seungwan is back. Joohyun didn't have any idea about how the office hours were for a CEO but certainly leaving at 7AM and coming back at 9PM wasn't normal. Was her father giving Seungwan a hard time? She makes a mental note to visit the office when her schedule frees up to reduce her wife's working hours.
She was never in the favor of her father offering a huge position to her in the first place and even voiced her opinion against it. Giving an outsider the biggest role in the company was bound to end like this—Seungwan feeling like she did not get the position on merit so she would drown herself in work to prove her worth and her father would take full advantage of that.
Joohyun throws her phone on her bed and walks out of the room still clad in her robe. “Cosmo send an email to the building authorities about the security alerts and disable these alerts moving forward.” Seungwan is leaning against the counter speaking to her phone before she puts her phone aside.
She watches Seungwan move around the kitchen, and finds her wife heating up the dinner for herself while also preparing to make tea for herself. It is the only time of the day where they share the same living space, usually dinner is a silent affair with both of them busy with their own work but today she already had dinner on the set so she did not feel hungry.
She notices how rumpled Seungwan’s shirt is, sleeves folded and buttons undone. “You got the message from Jimin?” That was not what she wanted to ask but at least it is a start to a conversation.
The younger one looks up and pauses for a moment then nods. ”Yeah…yeah, Minjeong told me.”
Joohyun walks further until the only thing separating them is the kitchen counter. ”Have you picked a dress?”
Seungwan moves back and forth between the stove and the sink, refusing to meet her eyes for some reason. She doesn't know why she does that, is Joohyun scary or what? “Sooyoung is taking care of that…It's white, just in case you want to…I don't know, match it to create a couple look.”
She looks at the tea water which is barely bubbling up under the heat and the heated food on the stove waiting to be platted. If she calls Seungwan now there is a huge possibility that she would have to reheat her dinner again. Or she can just eat lukewarm dinner, there is nothing wrong with that.
“Help me pick mine?” Joohyun's mouth once again moves before her brain does. This is their most proper conversation in a week and even now she has to initiate it. Sometimes she doesn't understand why Seungwan feels so scared to reach out to her
Seungwan does look up this time and gazes her from head to toe, the robe doesn't do a good job at hiding everything and it is not like Joohyun wants to because she is in her own living space so there is no need to hide when the only other person in her space is her wife. “I’m bus—Sure.” She says it like she doesn't have any other choice when she does.
The walk back to her room is painfully slow and awkward. Seungwan crosses her arms and then looks at all the dresses scattered on her bed. “The green one?”
“I don't like it.” The answer comes immediately.
Her wife turns around to look at her then nods. “I can see why.”
She then grabs two dresses, a black Givenchy one and a white Versace one. “These will do.” Seungwan makes her choice and makes a turn towards the door.
Joohyun is not satisfied with the interaction so before her wife could escape into that annoying guestroom of hers she grabs her by her arms and pushes her to sit on the edge of her bed—it used to be their bed for the first couple of months for their marriage before they got separate rooms after they managed to navigate the rules of the arrangement.
“Wait until I actually put these on.” She commands and grabs the black one first and disappears into the closet.
Joohyun looks at herself in the mirror, finding the dress good but still missing that flare she likes and walks out to show it to Seungwan.
”I don't like this either.” She says to her wife's face to snow her discontent about things not going the way she wants them to. “Maybe I do need to lose weight to be pretty again.”
“Your weight is the same though and so is your beauty,” Seungwan interrupts, then realises what she said recklessly and scratches the back of her neck “Try the white one and if you do not like it. Just wear a two piece suit instead since those look good on you too.”
Joohyun opens her mouth to say something but nothing comes out besides the sound of her breathing. Seungwan still knows by heart and knows how to comfort her. Seungwan still makes coffee in the morning despite no acknowledgment and knows how she likes it. Seungwan who was easy back then and easy now, so Joohyun has to never guess with her.
In the end she grabs the white dress and walks back to the closet and changes into it. She needs to look at herself once to know that this is what she is going to be wearing tomorrow. And goes out to show Seungwan.
“I suppose you like it,” Seungwan quips in her awkward voice.
Joohyun nods. “Yeah, I do.”
Seungwan stands after a moment, hands sliding into her pockets like she doesn’t know what else to do with them. “Then my work here is done. I’ll leave the rest to you.”
“Your work isn't done here.” Joohyun flickers her hair aside from her back revealing the zipper that is holding the entire dress together.
Her wife clenches her jaw as if she wants to say something more but just gives her head a quick shake and then starts to walk over like those poor herbivores who walk on eggshells when they come across the predators who will not waste any time to have their way with them.
“Do you want me to undo it fully or midway?” Seungwan asks quietly while her finger hover near her back.
Joohyun cranes her neck around, not even trying to hide the glint in her eyes. It should be enough for Seungwan to know what she wants.
Seungwan inhales when fingers touch the zipper. And then she pulls down slowly while the dress begins to loosen around her body but not enough to fall.
She should end this here and let Seungwan go. Instead, she caresses her wife's left cheek with her finger, looking her in the eyes. “What did you stop?”
The younger woman’s voice is strained. “It’s undone.”
Joohyun hooks her hand around Seungwan’s neck as she turns around to face her and then uses her free hand to undo the zipper fully and the dress slips off her body.
Seungwan’s eyes tremble as if they don't know what to do between looking at her face or looking down. She finally does look down and Joohyun can tell it does a number on her sanity.
“Wh-at are we doing…Joohyun?”
“Do I have to spell it out?”
She leans in and leaves a series of pecks on her wife's lips, leaving the choice to escalate this on her. When she pulls back Seungwan is still looking at her with wide eyes so she leans once more and leaves another series of pecks and that is when her wife cups her face with both her hands and kisses her.
“You think I don’t know what I’m doing?” Joohyun pulls back, feeling anger crawl under her skin besides lust.
“I think you do,” Seungwan says. “That’s the problem.”
Joohyun's does not let Seungwan take the lead, pushing her on the bed, before she climbs on top of her. She trails kisses down Seungwan's neck and chest, nipping lightly at her skin as she goes. Seungwan arches her back, groaning softly as a wave of pleasure washes over her.
The older woman smiles against Seungwan's flesh, her hands roaming lower down her body, teasing and taunting the younger woman with her touch. She drags her nails down Seungwan's neck, leaving behind a trail of goosebumps in their wake.
“Tell me what you want,” Joohyun whispers, her breath hot against Seungwan's skin.
Seungwan pants heavily, trying to catch her breath between the feverish kisses and the sensation of her clothed body against Joohyun's bare one. She shudders under Joohyun's touch, her fingers digging into her wife's shoulders.
With one hand, she begins to unbutton Seungwan's shirt while the other trails lower, exploring the soft skin underneath the clothing which causes her to arch her back with breathy groans escaping from her mouth.
“Joohyun…” Seungwan whimpers but Joohyun gets the answer to her question so she keeps going.
(___)
The car ride to the gala is awkward.
It is awkward only for Seungwan because Joohyun looks relaxed with the way she is scrolling through her phone. She doesn't even look her way as if she wasn't in-between her legs just twelve hours ago taking all of her.
Before last night, they hadn't slept with each other in months, it shouldn't have happened—because one single night is enough for Seungwan to change her views about the state of their marriage, suddenly she thinks there is a chance that her and Joohyun can still live a good life as a married couple, suddenly she starts to hope again.
She woke up to a cold bed in the morning with no signs of her wife, the usual. It doesn't surprise her no more because the only time Joohyun was in the same room as her after sex was probably the morning after their wedding night and that was because their hotel suite for their wedding night was a special cottage up the woods which requires a cart ride to get back to the main branch of the hotel.
Seungwan shakes her head and looks to her side to see Joohyun is still occupied by her phone. “You look nice,” Joohyun says suddenly, not looking up from her phone.
She is wearing that white dress Sooyoung picked out for her because left to her own devices she would show up in an office outfit and call it a day. The dress is beautiful, objectively. It clings to her figure in all the places that are required to be highlighted to look good at such an event, she is usually used to wearing these but the marks on her neck and collarbones add to her worry, they are somewhat covered but upon a closer look anyone could tell what those were.
”You too,” Seungwan replies, looking away. “As always.” She cannot look at that white dress and not repeat the exact scenario where Joohyun had her arm hooked around her neck while she looked at her with those hungry eyes as her fingers worked that zip, she doesn't even want to remember what happens after as it warms her entire body up.
“Jimin says we need to be really touchy tonight,” Joohyun continues, her eyes refusing to leave the screen. “Apparently, the rumors are getting accurate.”
Seungwan flinches, “Right. Of course.”
“You can handle being touched by me, right?” Joohyun finally looks up and just by that look she can tell that there is some kind of innuendo in there. “We had good practice last night too.”
Her eyes fall and the light in her eyes begins to disappear. Was last night just a device to reduce the awkwardness between them? Joohyun didn't even lust her enough to actually commit to having sex with no work attached to it. “I can handle it.”
“Good.” Joohyun goes back to her phone. The conversation is over.
They arrive at the hotel at exactly 7:00 PM. The car pulls up to the red carpet, and Seungwan can see the flash of cameras even through the tinted windows. Joohyun takes a breath and her expression transforms. The actress in her wife takes over the moment the driver opens the door and she steps out first and Seungwan follows. Immediately, Joohyun's hand finds her lower back.
Exactly right for the cameras.
Seungwan's skin burns where Joohyun touches her, even through the fabric of her dress. But she smiles for the cameras and leans into the whole ‘be affectionate in public’ facade. They pose for photographs. Joohyun's hand stays on her back, occasionally moving to her waist, pulling her closer.
Seungwan feels like throwing up.
Inside, the ballroom is exactly what she expected, chandeliers and champagne and wealthy people congratulating themselves on their charity while wearing clothes that cost more than the annual salaries of the people they're supposedly helping.
Joohyun works the room with the ease of someone who was born for this. People orbit around her like she is generating her own gravitational field. And Seungwan follows in her wake, smiling and nodding and saying the right things to the right people, all while feeling like she is slowly disappearing.
They're an hour into the event when Seungwan sees her.
Seulgi stands near the bar, talking to a group of film industry people. She looks good and even now looking at her makes her understand why she did not stand a chance against her. When she spots them, she excuses herself from her conversation and walks over.
“It’s been a while Joohyun,” Seulgi greets with a warm smile, ”You too Seungwan ssi.”
“I am going to guess you got that project, if you are being this friendly with me.” Joohyun’s public persona displays no crack in fact there is a hint of teasing in her voice.
“Seems like you are excited to work with me again.” Seulgi lets out a chuckle as she turns to face Seungwan. “I heard you are a CEO now, Seungwan ssi. That's huge.”
Seungwan is caught off guard by the direct attention. “Something like that.”
“Good…good.” Seulgi's eyes linger on her for a moment too long, and Seungwan recognizes that look. It is not challenge, she is not trying to one up her and that makes her feel even more small because Seulgi should not look at her like that, she should be mean or something so it would be easier to hate her.
Joohyun and Seulgi start with small talk but fall into easy conversation about the film they are doing. It is comfortable between them in a way that makes her chest ache. How come Joohyun gets to be carefree around her ex despite being dumped but she can never be something more than just an arrangement despite knowing how to take Joohyun to the highest of the peaks of pleasure.
She grabs a glass of champagne when a waiter walks by with a tray full of them and gulps it in one, three years of sobriety gone just like that. Seungwan resorted to abusing alcohol as a coping mechanism after Joohyun left, it fucked her self esteem up badly. She would consume at least three cans of beer daily and it was messing her up badly, her sleep schedule was a mess, her mood was always cranky and her head would always hurt. That was until Joohyun reached out and the last time she consumed any alcohol was the sip of champagne she took after she said ‘I do’ to Joohyun.
Her head starts to spin and she feels her throat feeling like it is being choked so without cause a scene she slowly backs away from Joohyun and Seulgi to rush to the bathroom. She barely makes it before she throws up in the sink nearest to her. Her head hurts, her eyes sting and every part of her wants to forget the taste that takes over her mouth.
“So fucking stupid,” she mutters to herself after washing her mouth, trying to get that taste off her tongue. Breaking her sobriety for this and it didn't even help, instead it made things worse, because now her head was throbbing and she knew this would happen and she still did it anyways.
After a few minutes to make herself look presentable again she takes out a pack of mints from her purse and puts a couple of them under her tongue to work faster.
When she returns to the ballroom, Joohyun is exactly where she left her, surrounded by admirers, laughing at something someone said. She looks happy. She looks perfect.
She looks like she doesn't need Seungwan at all.
(___)
In the car on the way home, Joohyun is on her phone again, scrolling through what Seungwan assumes are the photos from tonight.
Seungwan stares out the window and thinks about the kindness in Seulgi's eyes. How come the woman who had seen her for the first time in person could feel it but not her own wife.
“Seulgi ssi seems well,” Seungwan says, breaking the silence because she can't stand it anymore.
“Mm.” Joohyun doesn't look up. “She's directing my next film.”
Something cold settles in Seungwan's stomach. She almost forgot about it. “I heard.”
“We start shooting in three months.” Joohyun smiles. “I’m very excited to see her bring this script to life.”
She seems a little too happy to work with her ex again, perhaps that spark is ignited again. Seungwan should be used to this by now. Should have learned to stop hoping for something different.
“That's great,” she says, and hates how hollow her voice sounds. “I'm happy for you.”
Joohyun finally looks up from her phone. “You okay? You've been weird tonight.”
As if Seungwan's growing inability to maintain this charade is just a personality quirk, a minor inconvenience. “I'm fine,” Seungwan says, and turns back to the window.
Just as they arrive at the parking area, her phone connects itself to Cosmo again. “Secuirty alert, unauthorized entity inside—”
“—Stop it! Didn't I instruct you to alert the building officials through the email and stop bothering me with these.” Her patience is wearing thin and last thing she needs right now is that stupid security alert again.
“What's wrong?” Joohyun asks, and there's actual concern in her voice, which is so rare that Seungwan almost doesn't recognize it.
“Security alert. Someone's been loitering in the parking garage all week.”
Joohyun's expression shifts, hardens. “Paparazzi.”
”Maybe.” Seungwan puts her phone back in her purse and presses the elevator button. “I have alerted the building security, they can handle it.”
“Good.”
They ride the elevator in silence. Seungwan feels tired and all she wants to do right now is sleep and not wake up anytime soon.
When they enter their penthouse, Joohyun immediately heads to her bedroom, “I have a photoshoot tomorrow. Goodnight.”
“Joohyun,” Seungwan calls out, even now in her most miserable state, that name comes out gentle.
Joohyun pauses, hand on her bedroom door, looks back. “Yes?”
Seungwan stands there, the three words on the tip of her tongue. “Nothing.” She doesn't, maybe she needs some sleep before she gets to utter the words that will ruin their marriage.
She walks to her room only after Joohyun shuts the door on her face. Getting out of her dress is easy and changing into pajamas is even easier. Same is the case for asking for a divorce but she couldn't utter those three words, even with all the pain she cannot imagine herself without Joohyun.
Sleep doesn't come. She lies in the darkness and listens to the sound of the city outside. And through the wall, so faint she might be imagining it, the sound of movement in Joohyun's room. Her wife, also awake. Also alone.
Seungwan turns on her side and closes her eyes, counting so sleep would take mercy on her. Instead the sound of a door opening startles her and she sits up.
She doesn't expect much until she hears a knock on her door. Why won't Joohyun leave her alone at times where she doesn't want to be near her? She gets up anyway and walks through the darkness to open the door.
The light from the living room illuminates her tired face as Joohyun stands on the threshold. She has changed into a silk gown, hair loose around her shoulder and face free from makeup, as if she needs any.
But she looks troubled, did something happen? Did Seulgi suddenly call and tell her that she still loves her and she is here to tell her that they are getting a divorce. Her imagination runs wild and even now all she can think about is the scenarios where Joohyun leaves her first.
“What?” Seungwan asks quietly.
“You called my name earlier,” Joohyun says. “In the living room…You wanted to say something.”
“Yes.”
“What?”
She sees the way her wife's eyebrows arch, she does this when she is trying not to frown, trying to show that something isn't bothering her when it is.
“It doesn't matter.” She can't bring herself to say it.
“Say it.” Joohyun commands.
Seungwan looks up at her. This woman who had taken everything without ever asking for it. This woman who had given nothing back and still somehow kept all of her.
She kisses Joohyun instead. Her mouth presses against her with a kind of restrained violence, like she is trying so hard to erase the words she wants to say from her tongue.
Joohyun gasps against her, caught off guard, but her hands rise, one wraps around the back of her neck and the other one cups the side of her cheek.
The kiss deepens. Her lips move with frustration, like she is angry that after everything, Joohyun makes her feel like this. Seungwan’s limp hands move to Joohyun's waist, making the space between them disappear.
Her eyes begin to sting and before she knows it hot tears are streaming down her face. Joohyun’s lips part against hers, breath mingling, the movement deliberate. Seungwan tries to pull away but Joohyun's lips chase her, shoving her tongue inside her mouth.
She makes a small sound in her throat, she wants to sob. Joohyun's thumb brushes over her cheeks and comes in contact with the tears streaming down her face. That is when she pushes her away but keeps her hand on her cheeks.
Seungwan leans into her, looking like the most pathetic version of herself. Joohyun looks down at her, face etched with confusion.
Let's get a divorce. “I love you.”
Joohyun freezes, eyes widening. For a moment she does nothing, then she shakes her head. Her hand pushes Seungwan’s cheek with such force that it physically hurts. Then her face twists in disgust.
“No one asked you to love me.” The older woman sounds like the most ruthless version of herself. “Especially not me.”
She nods quietly, her tears still coming out with Joohyun's hand still on her cheek creating distance between them, like agreement might soften the blow.
“I know,” she whispers. Her voice trembles despite her efforts to not look anymore miserable than she already is.
“You can’t just—” Joohyun exhales sharply. “You can’t put that on me.”
“I didn’t mean to,” Seungwan says.
That’s the truth.
Joohyun told her from the start that the only reason Seungwan was a choice to begin with was because she didn't ask for anything, she didn't hope for anything, she was easy to be with for those reasons. Her wife didn't give her any hope for love from the day got married and she still fell anyway, so no matter how much she tries to loathe Joohyun for the distance, she can't because you cannot hate someone for a broken promise when they didn't make that promise in the first place.
“Then why—” Joohyun says, her composure cracking just slightly “—would you do this to yourself?”
Seungwan almost laughs because that’s the cruelest part. She did this to herself, no one told her to fall for Joohyun.
“I’m sorry…I won't say it again.” She makes the painful decision to pull away from Joohyun's hand and it hurts that she doesn't even try to reach out again.
Instead, she looks away, like she is struggling to even look at her. This hurts even more, she should've just kept her mouth shut. Joohyun stands there, rigid, like any movement might make things worse.
So, she does it for her. Seungwan puts both of her hands on Joohyun's shoulder and gently pushes her enough that she is out of her room before she closes the door, immediately locking it.
Outside, the city keeps humming.
Inside, neither of them sleeps.
(___)
Joohyun wakes up at 6:45 AM to her alarm and immediately regrets every life choice that led to this moment. The call time is 8 AM and she needs to be on set before that to get her hair and makeup done, and right now she barely has three hours of sleep in her system.
She goes through her routine on autopilot, shower, skincare, simple outfit because she'll change into another outfit anyway. Her mind is elsewhere, stuck in that moment where she stood outside Seungwan’s room when the door was shut on her face.
It is not her fault, the older woman keeps thinking to herself. Seungwan knew what this was when she agreed to it.
But how can she not blame herself, only if she didn't feel the need to overthink the ‘nothing’ that escaped from Seungwan's mouth, she wouldn't have gone to her room and then confession would never have happened.
Joohyun feels anger seep into her veins because they were civil and despite that their interactions were minimal and after this she is pretty sure she can't stand being in the same space as Seungwan because it'll be a reminder that she is looking at her with love in her eyes no matter how much she apologises for it, she cannot undo her feelings in a single day and it'll make Joohyun feel horrible for not being able to put any effort to return those feelings even though it is not her obligation.
Divorce is not an option, it will never be. She is not going to let a failed marriage taint her public image when the relationship in question wasn't even a real one.
Why did Seungwan fall for her? She already had everything she needed, a secure career, a penthouse, fame and even casual sex from time to time so why did she feel the need to fall for her?
She emerges from her room planning to grab a quick coffee before her driver calls her, she stops short in the kitchen doorway.
The coffee maker is turned off, there is no jar of ground coffee or milk next to it like usual, there is no cup waiting for her on the counter. For the first time in three years, Seungwan didn't make her coffee.
It's such a small thing. Insignificant, really. Joohyun can make her own coffee. She is a grown woman. It's not like she ever asked for it, or thanked Seungwan for it, or even acknowledged it most days.
But when she stares at the empty counter, she feels bitter and empty.
She makes her own coffee and burns it because she never quite figured out the ratio of grounds to water. Dumps it out after one sip and tries again only for it to be more bitter than the previous one. Gives up and leaves the apartment without caffeine, telling herself it doesn't matter, it's fine, she'll get coffee on set.
In the car, she pulls out her phone and scrolls through the resort reservation she made last night. She was planning on taking Seungwan with her to Italy for a week, it was a work trip but figured that there was no harm in taking her with her because that way she'll get a break from her tedious office work.
Joohyun cancels it, what is even the point of it anymore.
Her phone buzzes with notifications from Jimin. These are the Dispatch pictures of her and Seungwan from yesterday's event, both of them being touchy and looking good together.
There is a viral pann article about them being a power couple with all the comments praising their chemistry and their ability to keep their marriage life private.
“Crisis averted,” is the message from Jimin who seems pleased with the damage control.
Joohyun replies back, "Good work.”
She zooms in on one photo, studying Seungwan’s expression while she is watching Joohyun on the red carpet during her solo shots. How can someone smile with their eyes but look sorrowful at the same time? It seems pretty obvious that she is in love but not obvious enough for Joohyun herself.
Her mind drifts back to last night, the kiss, how it felt the most electric kiss she had ever shared in the past three years and then the events after it. Seungwan's tear streaked face, looking at her with defeat in her eyes as she confessed, how she chased her hand even when she trying to push her face away.
Joohyun presses her lips together, assuring her that this wasn't her fault. Love is temporary anyway, it'll go away. Seungwan will recover, she will apologize again and soon enough when she will recover from the heartbreak she will start making morning coffee again.
The car pulls into the studio lot.
Joohyun steps out, immediately surrounded by staff greeting her, bowing, smiling. She slips into her role effortlessly, returning their greetings, her expression calm and composed.
Inside the dressing room, the stylists begin their work. Hair pinned. Makeup layered. Her face reconstructed into something flawless.
Her phone vibrates on the table. She glances at it automatically. For a moment she just stares at the name but she doesn't open it.
She lets it sit there.
The stylist pauses. “You can check it.”
Joohyun blinks. “It’s nothing important.”
It sits there quietly.
Waiting.
Like Seungwan always does.
(___)
Joohyun calls Seungwan out of nowhere on a random Tuesday in March.
It's been two years since they've spoken. Two years since Joohyun chose Seulgi and a relationship with expectations, two years since Seungwan graduated and threw herself into her career with the kind of single minded determination that her colleagues mistake for ambition when it's actually just avoidance.
She's twenty five now, working at a financial consulting firm in a job she is moderately good at and thoroughly indifferent to, and makes enough money to not only live a good lifestyle but also send it to her parents even though they are good on their own.
Her phone rings right before midnight. Unknown number. She answers anyway, because she's still awake, staring at her laptop screen, trying to make sense of the movie she is watching with her food cold on the table beside her.
“Seungwan?” The voice is achingly familiar, even after all this time. “It's Joohyun. Can we meet?”
She should say no. She should ask why, after two years of silence, Joohyun thinks she has the right to call and ask for anything. She should protect herself, for once in her goddamn life.
She says, “When?”
They meet at a hotel bar in Gangnam, unexpected, because she was sure this was for another sexual arrangement. Joohyun is already there when she arrives, sitting in a corner booth with her back to the wall like she is trying to hide. Which make sense because Joohyun has been in three hit dramas since they last saw each other and her film recently debuted at Cannes Film Festival—but the closer she gets to her she realises that Joohyun is not hiding because of her fame this time.
But tonight, she looks wrecked.
Not in any way that the casual observer would notice, her makeup is perfect, her hair styled just so, her designer dress unwrinkled. But Seungwan has mapped this woman's face with her hands and mouth, has learned to read the microexpressions that Joohyun hides from everyone else. She sees the tightness around her eyes, the way she's holding her shoulders like she's bracing for impact, the barely perceptible tremor in her hand as she lifts her wine glass.
“You came,” Joohyun says, and there's surprise in her voice. Like she expected Seungwan to stand her up like she doesn't understand that Seungwan has never been able to refuse her anything.
“You asked.” Seungwan slides into the booth across from her, maintaining a careful distance. “What's this about, Joohyun?”
Joohyun drains her wine in one long pull, signalling the waiter for another. When it arrives, she stares at it for a long moment before speaking. “I got dumped by Seulgi.”
The words are delivered flat, emotionless, like she's reading from a script. But Seungwan knows her well enough to hear what's underneath, it's pure devastation.
“I'm sorry,” she says, and means it. She's had a lot of time to examine her feelings about Joohyun and Seulgi, and what she's discovered is that she wants Joohyun to be happy even if she isn't the reason for it.
“I was going to ask her to marry me because things seemed fine.” Joohyun laughs but there is no humor in it . “She dumped me when I asked her…she said she cannot imagine a life with someone who is as emotionally distant as me, that I am cold just because I never said ‘I love you’ back.”
Seungwan doesn't know what to say to that. It's not untrue. But it's also not the whole truth, because she's seen the moments when Joohyun's guard drops, when she's soft and vulnerable and achingly human. They're rare, those moments, but they exist.
“So why did you call me?”
“I need to get married,” Joohyun says abruptly.
Seungwan blinks. “I'm sorry, what?”
“My team gave the information to the media outlets that I was getting married to someone I have been with for a long time because I was so sure Seulgi would say yes,” Joohyun sighs, waving her hand dismissively. “Even articles have confirmed so I need to marry someone before my father finds a man for me who will think he is above me because he saved my image.”
“So get married,” Seungwan says, keeping her voice carefully neutral even as something in her chest starts to crack. “Find someone you actually like. Someone who—”
“—It would be mutually beneficial.” Joohyun cuts her off, and suddenly she's looking directly at Seungwan with those dark, unreadable eyes. “You'd have security, connections, a position at my father's company. I'd have...compliance with expectations. And we already know each other. We're compatible. It wouldn't be like starting from scratch.”
It takes Seungwan's brain approximately fifteen seconds to process what Joohyun is suggesting. When it does, she almost laughs. “Are you asking me to marry you?”
“Yes.” No hesitation, just that absolute confidence that makes Seungwan's knees weak even now, even after everything.
“Joohyun, that's—” The worst idea anyone has ever had in the history of ideas. “—I don't think—”
“Think about it.” Joohyun leans forward, and suddenly the space between them feels like nothing, like Seungwan could close it with a single breath. “No expectations. No pressure. Just... an arrangement. You do your thing, I do mine. We show up for the public events, play the part when we need to, and otherwise live separate lives. You wouldn't have to deal with my family's scrutiny on your relationships, and I wouldn't have to marry some corporate heir who sees me as a trophy.”
Seungwan should say no. She should stand up and walk out of this bar and block Joohyun's number and get therapy and move on with her life like a healthy, well-adjusted person.
But here's the thing about loving someone who doesn't love you back, you become very good at taking whatever scraps they offer. And this—this cold, transactional, utterly devoid of affection arrangement—is what Joohyun is offering. A marriage without marriage. A relationship without relationship. A chance to be near her without the complication of expectations.
“I won't expect too much, will you?” Joohyun adds, and there's something vulnerable in her expression now, something that looks almost like fear. “You know me and you were always okay with what we had with no complaints which has to mean that I am good enough to be with.”
Because I loved you, Seungwan thinks. Because I would have taken anything, even just the edges of you, rather than nothing at all.
“I won't expect anything,” she hears herself say. The first lie of their marriage.
Joohyun's shoulders drop, relief flooding her features. “I knew I could count on you.”
She has to leave for work so she asks to finish their conversation some other day. Joohyun hugs her before she leaves, taking her hand in hers and squeezes it. It's the first time they've touched in two years, and the contact sends electricity up Seungwan's arm.
“Thank you,” Joohyun says softly. “You're saving me, you know that?”
Seungwan looks at their joined hands and thinks, Who is going to save her?