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He is sensitive and so amazing
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear
And it's like I couldn't ask for anything better
Sam was the perfect boyfriend, I knew that. He was amazing and understanding, always made a point to show how important I was in his life, he was perfect for me, so there was nothing else I could ask for, except for the fact that I wasn't in love with him. I mean, I felt something for him, but it wasn't love, there was no passion, no fire of a relationship... And the worst part was that he was too good for me and I couldn't break up with him simply because I didn't want to hurt him.
I was always stuck at the perfect moments to end our relationship, so I just smiled and said I loved him, he smiled back and said I was the woman of his life.
Deep down, I think he knows that our relationship is doomed to fail and just doesn't want to accept it...
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's two in the morning and I'm cursing your name
You’re so in love that you act insane
And that's how I loved you
I wanted to feel for Sam the same way I felt for Riven, I really did, I think things would be much easier that way. Our relationship had ended more than a year ago and even so, it was as if I had never gotten over him, even with all the fights and teasing, possessive jealousy, yelling, my heart would forever be his. I would make a deal with the Gods just to be his again, even if it was just for one last time, I wanted to be his.
— Musa? Are you there?
— Oh, hi Sam. What were you saying?
— Are you okay?
I took another bite of my apple before nodding and responding.
— Yes. But there's the specialists' training soon and Rosalind wants the mind fairies there to assist in the training. I’m just thinking about the horrible things she’s going to say when I do something wrong.
Sam looked at me in disbelief and took my hands, bringing them to his lips and placing a kiss there.
— You don’t need to worry about what she says. You are amazing, the best mind fairy at Alfea, you know that, right?!
I looked away and nodded. Damn! I hated myself for not feeling the same for him.
— Thank you. — I forced a smile and pulled my hand away. — I have to go, I’m already five minutes late for training.
He can't see the smile I'm pretending
And my heart isn't breaking
Because I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating
Intoxicating, complicated
I ran from a mistake and now
Sam leaned in to give me a peck. And I grabbed my bag, leaving there and heading to the Bastion.
Upon arriving, I noticed the presence of some mind fairies and specialists. Rosalind was saying something about forming a shield.
I tried to go unnoticed from behind, sitting next to the other fairies, but Rosalind noticed my presence, scolding me with her gaze, and continued explaining what we should do, which was basically to form a shield and protect the specialists' minds. As soon as she finished, Rosalind approached with a rigid posture.
— Musa, let’s start with you.
— What?
— Come on, stand up. And position yourself next to Riven.
— No, I won’t.
— Quickly, Miss Kimura.
So, without many options, I went to stand next to Riven. Without even giving me time to prepare, Rosalind's eyes flashed white and the specialist grimaced as if he were being hurt. The director looked at me and my eyes blinked lilac, forming a shield around Riven's mind, his grimace softened, but he tightened his fingers around the arrow, as if something was bothering him.
Riven closed his eyes tightly and took a deep breath, I tried to concentrate more upon hearing Rosalind’s sharp scream saying I wasn't trying hard enough. I blinked my eyes, which were already a vibrant lilac, and entered Riven's subconscious, it felt like Rosalind was attacking him or something like that, I tried to strengthen the shield, but my head was starting to throb, which affected my performance. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for just a few seconds, but it was enough for Riven to bend over and let out a groan of pain, I whispered a "sorry" so low that I wasn’t sure he really heard me, I focused back on the shield, but the throbbing in my head was distracting. I felt something dripping from my nose and wiped it, refocusing on strengthening the shield.
Riven looked at me worried and seemed to want to talk to me, but he soon composed himself when Rosalind approached, and it seemed her attack was getting stronger. I tried to maintain the shield, but it felt like my powers were failing, my eyes flickered between vibrant lilac and my usual brown.
I tried to form the shield again, but it felt like my senses were failing. My heart started racing and the red liquid dripped from my nose again and I felt my hands trembling, I tried to ignore everything I was feeling and focus on the shield around Riven's subconscious, but when my eyes flickered lilac, I lost consciousness and collapsed.
I woke up with light in my face, blinking my eyes to get used to the brightness as Terra stepped back with the lantern.
— How are you feeling? — She asked, staring at my face — You look a bit pale.
— My head hurts.
— When you fainted, you hit your head really hard. — She explained and glanced sideways at the chair next to the cot I was on and only then did I notice that Riven was sitting there, paying attention to everything Terra said. — Your fall could have been avoided if someone had held you. — She pointed out.
— By the time I realized it, Musa was already fainted. There was no time to hold her!
— No time?! Ha...
— It's okay, Terra. — I interrupted the argument.
Terra looked at me sideways, but didn’t say anything more, just kept fiddling with the IV, but it was clear from her face that she wanted to say all the swear words in existence.
A few minutes later, Terra walked away saying she would prepare something for me to eat since I was still weak.
Riven stared at me and I looked away, staring at the white ceiling. The silence was so loud that I was sure the sound of my racing heart could be heard.
The specialist then stood up and approached the cot.
— Are you okay? Sorry I didn’t hold you. It was all so fast and Rosalind kept attacking even when you fainted. — He whispered.
— My God, what a lunatic.
Riven nodded and looked back into my eyes. My heart raced and memories of when we were dating hit my mind. Damn! Why did I have to feel this way about him, especially about him? It couldn’t be!
Riven smiled and touched the ends of my hair.
— You look beautiful. Even being pale and with smudged makeup. Still beautiful.
I let out a shy laugh and looked away.
Riven was so close that I fought against the urge to touch our lips, I couldn’t do that to Sam, but I think Riven didn’t think the same way as I did, because with each passing second he was closer to my face, closer to my lips.
I opened my mouth and closed it several times, no sound came out, I couldn’t even form a sentence.
— Riv... — I whispered so low that Riven had to read my lips.
— Do you want me to back off? — He whispered too, my heart raced and I shivered at the feel of his warm breath on my cold skin.
I wanted to say yes, but my heart screamed no.
I shook my head in a weak nod because at that moment I was unable to formulate a sentence.
Riven broke the tiny space between us, sealing our lips, automatically I thought how idiotic I was for cheating on Sam, but who thinks about Sam when being kissed by Riven?
I gently pushed Riven away when I heard footsteps coming, it was Terra.
Crumbling and falling apart
It’s a kind of fast rollercoaster
And I never knew I could feel all this
And that’s how I loved you
The Earth fairy brought me vegetable soup, with bread, orange juice, and a fruit salad, even not being hungry, I didn’t want to offend my friend, so I ate almost everything she had made. The specialist and the fairy watched me with every spoonful I took.
When I finished, Terra took the tray with the things and left saying I should rest, and a few minutes later Riven also left, without even saying goodbye.
My conscience weighed as soon as he left, I had really betrayed someone who loved me and supported me in everything for something completely uncertain? Even though I was completely sure of my feelings for Riven, I had no idea of his feelings for me.
I blinked my eyes several times, trying to avoid tears and tried to rest a bit, I failed in that regard because my eyes remained wide open.
Then, I got up and removed the needle that was sending IV to me and walked out of the greenhouse striding towards my dormitory.
I decided to take a hot shower to relax, my head still hurt, so I took my pills and swallowed them. I rested my body in the bathtub and spent a good while replaying the kiss with Riven in my mind.
***
The next day, I thought about breaking up with Sam, I really thought about it, but when I saw Riven walk past me with Darcy clinging to his neck, without even directing his gaze at me, I realized that for Riven, the kiss hadn’t meant anything, that he hadn’t changed at all since the end of our relationship, so I decided to let it go and our kiss would just be a painful memory.
I loved Riven, I even wanted to be with him, but I couldn’t allow him to hurt me again, I couldn’t allow him to treat me like a game again.
that’s how I loved you
Never knew I could feel all this
And that’s how I loved you