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When Jeremy Knox got the letter, he kept the news to himself, to keep the good news for himself. Years of familial expectations are long behind him with now that he is the newest player of the New York Beavers. New York was long away from California, but he quickly fell in love with their game play when the California team did not recruit him. He had felt heartbreak before, but the pain of losing something that seemed so obtainable broke him into a dangerous despair. Coach Rhemann went into gear and helped Jeremy find a different path.
He gripped the letter in his hands as he sat, alone, in the middle of the Golden Court. One more game, then graduation. Then he will be leaving for New York to train with the Beavers two days after. The turn around time is absurd, yet he could feel the dopamine sparking his brain. The adrenaline swimming in his veins. A feeling that he thought he would never receive. The last time he felt this was the day Jean kissed him, merely a month before when he felt nothing mattered anymore. When he could not get over the devastating rejection of the California team.
As of now, the only person that knew he was recruited by New York was Coach Rhemann, who received the call a few days ago and personally delivered the letter to Jeremy after practice when he called him into the office. Jeremy told the others to not wait up for him because he figured he would take a while, and he did. It’s been hours, and he can not move from here. He will be back the next day, and the day after that, but now he realized that there will be an end and a new beginning. Fear and excitement. Adrenaline, dopamine. His fingers numb. His legs not moving.
It was not until a ringtone sounded that put him out of his trance. He blinked a few times to get rid of the blur as he looked down at his phone to see Laila’s number. The time said 9:42, so it made sense Laila was calling.
“Hello?” He asked quietly when he answered.
“Hey. Where are you? You missed dinner, and we are getting worried.” Laila didn’t have to say it, Jeremy knew what she was implying: Jean is getting worried. Laila and Cat understand that Jeremy can yap for a long time with Rhemann, but he always would text Jean if he was getting home late.
Jeremy could kick himself for not doing so tonight. “Uh, yeah. Actually, we had a long conversation. I’ll be home in twenty.”
A moment of silence fell on the other side of the phone. Jeremy could imagine Laila looking up at Jean and Cat, but he didn’t question it either. “You sound not ok. Do you need to talk?”
“I’m fine! I’m fine.”
”Oh that’s so convincing.” Cat said on the other end, which meant Jeremy was on speaker phone. ”Have you ate?”
Jeremy paused. “Uh. I did not. I’ll pick something up on my way home. Don’t worry about keeping any for me.”
Immediately, Jeremy knew he screwed up when he heard Jean on the other end of the phone. “No.” A simple word, and Jeremy knew not to dispute him over it.
“Twenty minutes. I’ll be there in twenty.”
Cat laughed. “You better hurry or Jean will be pissed, Captian.” Jeremy laughed himself then hung up. Captain. Soon those days will be over. As the dopamine hit dissipated, exhaustion began to take over, and melancholia took over.
Rhemann is now long gone, trusting Jeremy to lock up behind him. He must’ve left thirty minutes ago, maybe even checking in on Jeremy beforehand before deciding it best to leave him alone. Eventually, Jeremy would come to his senses and leave, which he was now. The drive was boring, though never long. He thanked the universe everyday for the short ride. A few months ago, he nearly got into a car accident from falling asleep at the wheel. It was around the time he officially decided to leave Castle Wiltshire.
Jeremy remembered that day, vividly. The car accident scared him, scared the other Trojans, scared Jean. He remembered the argument. Remembered leaving the house, vowing to never come back. Feeling so hopeless, so unloved, but knowing it best to leave before he fell into further desolation. Jeremy remembered walking up to the apartment with a duffle bag of his close and feeling so welcomed when he opened the door. They had his favorite meal, they watched his Nan’s movies. Warmth spread over the coldness that filled his chest.
Jeremy wished he could tell his mother the good news. He knew she would not be the most thrilled, but Mathilda was his mother. His caregiver. The person he was suppose to rely on the most. Yet, he can imagine the disapproval on her face, and he wiped the idea out of his mind and turned the music up in his car as he made way to his real home filled with people who genuinely care about his success.
The door opened to reveal Jean sitting on the couch with a book on his lap and lots of papers scattered. Jeremey knew Jean was studying up for finals which will be the week after the finals. Since it was just him, that meant Cat and Laila must be readying themselves for bed, and Jean decided to wait for Jeremy. Guilt encapsulated his whole being as he sat himself down on the other end of the coach. Jean did not look up from his work, and Jeremy felt his heart squeeze from the cold shoulder.
“I’m sorry.” He said quickly, but Jean still did not look up. “I should have texted. It’s just…” His words caught in his throat so he looked down at his hands, at the short fingernails. Had he been chewing them again on his way here? Was he that anxious? Jeremy and Jean were still figuring out the parameters of the new relationship. It’s only been a month since they made things official, and he could feel the honeymoon stage ending.
“I am not mad.” Jean finally said, and Jeremy finally relaxed until the next thing Jean said. “I am not mad, but you made me worry.”
“I know. I know I did.” Jeremy begin to pick at the skin around his nails when he felt hte tension become thicker around them. “Coach gave me a letter… It’s from a pro exy team.” This news brought Jean attention, which Jeremy saw in the corner of his eye as he continued to pick at his nails.
“Jeremy?” Jeremy did not respond to Jean, so Jean grabbed his hands, pulling them away from Jeremy’s anxiety. “What happened?”
A smile stretched across Jeremy’s face, one that he could not help. The news is phenomenal, and he could not keep the happiness to himself. “You know how the California team told me they got enough strikers? The Beavers…”
“The New York team?” Jeremy nodded, clearly too ecstatic to utter the good news. “They accepted you.”
”Coach just told me after practice.” Jeremy immediately said, but Jean knew. Jean always knew, and had a subtle way of expressing his warmth. He gave Jeremy’s hand a quick squeeze then brought it to his lips. With the excitement did come a harsh reality that Jeremy did not want to accept quite yet. “I do start a few days after graduation. June first.”
Jeremy could not read the look on Jean’s face at first, but he quickly realized it was a mixture of pride and sadness. The longer Jeremy saw Jean, the more he understood. “That means three weeks.”
Three weeks. Jeremy did not have the thought to count the weeks, and when he realized just how short of time they had, he pulled his hand back and leaned back on his seat. “Three weeks.” He tossed the words in his mouth, biting back the sour taste in his mouth. A reality he did not want to step into, but one he knew he needed to once he told Jean. “Three. Weeks.” He grabbed the closest pillow to him and leaned his face into it. Jean’s hand immediately went for the back of his hair, and Jeremy felt the familiar weight next to him.
“It is better we know that we have that long than if we did not.”
Jeremy could agree to that, but he groaned anyway. “We just got together.” He faced to Jean, scanning him over. the confidence that sprouted so perfectly over the past year could be seen. Jeremy loved it. He would miss it. “What if I declined? I can wait a year, be with you instead.”
Jean shook his head, causing Jeremy to look away in shame. “We both knew this would happen. I rather you go for you because you need to.” Jean was right, and Jeremy knew that all they could do was make the best of it. Jean’s thumb stroke his cheek, which helped ground Jeremy delicately. “You need to eat.” Jeremy yawned before he could say anything else. “You go lay down. I’ll heat up the food and bring it to you.”
It wasn’t a suggestion, but more of an order. And so, Jeremy listened. He moved the pillow away and gave Jean a kiss. “Good night.” Jean scanned his face then got it to the kitchen while Jeremy parted to the bedroom.
As the feeling of euphoria dissipated, exhaustion encapsulated him and finally took over. The moment he hit the pillow, Jeremy fell into a deep slumber. Jean did come in with a plate full of food, but realized how exhausted Jeremy was. It's not often Jean gets to see Jeremy sleeping in full relaxation, but tonight was a special night for him, one that deserved to be uninterrupted.
~~~
Over the next week, the news spread about Jeremy’s timely departure. Three weeks, that is all they have left. The Trojans, professors, people congratulated him. Jeremy smiled, and thanked them each time. However, by the end of the day, Jeremy could not help but to feel that small sense of despair spread in him. Three weeks is too short of a time, and he wished he knew long in advance so that he can spend the most of his time with the people he cared about the most.
Jean, during all of this, was his rock. With everything that happened over the past few months, Jeremy struggled so much. Between his finals, between his captaincy, between the news, he found himself having a harder time focusing and an even harder time finding the drive to do anything. Everyday, within the past week, he came back from practice and sat on the couch. Jean made sure he was eating and studying, which Jeremy appreciated every single night. Even at practice, Jeremy found himself stuttering over his words and Xavier needing to step in.
Everyone, fortunately, forgave Jeremy for the constant fumble, but he knew that he needed to step up better so that they can win the championship against Penn State. He was the best striker they had, the first one to play. Despite everything, he needed to keep his head in the game. When he made a poor shot in practice, frustration settled within, and he knew it best that he took a break. So he snagged the helmet off his head and made his way to the coach.
Jeremy took a few moments to sip on his drink when he sat next to Rhemann before speaking. “I am sorry, coach. It’s not good work out there, I need to do better.”
Rhemann scoffed, which caused Jeremy to look up at him as he said, “You’re starting to sound like a certain backliner. Been around Jean too much, he’s rubbing off on you.” Jeremy chuckled exasperately at the joke when Rhemann patted his shoulder. “You don’t need to do better. You’re already doing well enough for this team. You’ll do better once you’re across the country.”
Jeremy looked down at his gloved hands, not knowing what to say or even feel about any of this. Excitement, melancholia, fear. “I know. It’s just…” No words came to mind, which has happened often since finding the news. “I think I’m still processing. It’s been days since I got the news, so it feels like I should have processed by now, but…”
“There is a lot you need to process. Jeremy, it’s not just as simple as moving to New York, but it’s not the only big hurdle you jumped over. Me and you both know that.”
It’s true that Jeremy jumped major hurdles, yet that’s all he’s been doing all of his life, right? His brother’s death, his family, Bryson, the drugs. The news, albeit amazing, felt like another huge leap he needed to take. He took another sip from his water to quench the sudden dryness in his throat, then sat down on the bench. By this point, Rhemann went onto the court to order everyone a mandatory water break.
Everyone piled into the inner court with Cody and Jean making their way to him. Cody was yapping away about something before stopping when they reached Jeremy. “Captain. Everything good?”
Jeremy nodded, swiping some sweat off his forehead. Cody raised an eyebrow then looked up at Jean, who did not look entirely convinced. “I’m playing too hard, I think. Best to take a break now.” He waved it off, knowing that it wouldn’t do anything to convince Jean.
“Okay.” Cody shot a finger gun at him. “Hey, what are you two, Cat, and Laila doing this Saturday? We were thinking of throwing a Floozies get together/Farewell party for you this weekend. Do it now to get us hyped before finals?”
Jean and Jeremy looked at each other, Jeremy tried to read Jean’s indifference as something that it was not. Some part of Jeremy always loved a good get together with friends, especially when this chapter is quickly coming to a close, but he also felt the weight of the end becoming heavier over him.
“We are not doing anything,” Jean finally responded, answering for the both of them. This, of course, surprised Jeremy as he knew Jean was not one for these sorts of things.
Before he could say anything, however, Cat slid in right next to Jeremy. “What are we talking about?” Laila was not far behind her, taking her stance next to Jean and leaning in on him.
“Party, saturday. Probably the beach. You two coming?”
Laila shrugged, and Cat nodded in approval. “Of course? Is it something you need to ask? I need a day to relax on the beach. Perfect right before finals, too. Babe, doesn’t that sound fun?”
”Anything with you is always fun, love.”
Jeremy watched his closest friends and couldn’t help but to smile. Laila recently got hired on as an apprentice in the LA News station, which she swiftly took when she realized she could stay with Cat for longer. The news came along nearly a month ago, and pride and excitement filled the whole apartment, much like when Cat and Laila found out the night after. Jeremy watched the two lean against each other as if they were inseparable. While he was excited for them as they entered into a new chapter, Jeremy felt ashamed of himself. Guilty for feeling the slightest bit of envy.
“Are you okay?” Jean asked as he sat next to Jeremy, thigh against thigh, shoulder against shoulder. A familiar warmth that brought him from the deep end.
“Hm?”
”You are quieter than normal.” The others began discussing the specifics of the party, which gave Jean and Jeremy a moment together, a moment alone. Jeremy relished in these moments.
A smile spread across his face. “Better now that you’re next to me.” Jean stared at him, seeing straight through him. He knew. Jeremy knew that he knew, but he didn’t press any further.That’s what Jeremy loved about Jean. His patience with him, understanding the best time to approach certain things. Jean had many layers that Jeremy adored, all of which were tainted by the wrong people and faded by the wrong light. Even through it all, Jean found his way here, with Jeremy. Jeremy did not deserve him. “Maybe later?”
Jean nodded and before anything else could be said, Rhemann ordered them back onto the court for practice. Jeremy walked out with them, with a new found regenerated focus simply from Jean’s familiar touch.
~~~
The final score was 14 - 10 with the Trojans taking the championship. Thrill and serotonin coursed through Jeremy’s vein and carried over to the next morning. He leaped out of bed and walked into the living room with a satisfied smile on his face. No thoughts, not even a recollection of the upcoming life change. Everyone else was already awake, which surprised him since he’s normally the one who wakes up first to make everyone their coffee. Jean cooked a delicious smelling breakfast while Cat and Laila were packing for the beach trip.
Cat was the first to see him and said, “Oh good morning captain, my captain! You slept a long time.”
Jeremy checked the clock hanging above the couch. “It’s not even eight. How long have all you been awake?”
“Well, Jean just woke up about fifteen minutes ago,” Laila respond, still not looking up from the bag as she went through her list of items. “We have been awake for about forty-five minutes. Jab woke Cat up, so then she woke me up.” Laila looked up and stifled a laugh upon looking at him. “And we decided to let you sleep in. You did score the most points last night.”
“What’s so funny?” Jeremy asked.
Cat bounced up to him, as she always does, and smoothed his hair over for him. “Jean, you missed Jeremy’s cute bedhead.” Jean didn’t respond to that as he continued on cooking what looked like blueberry pancakes? Must be a new thing Jean is trying out because normally he wouldn’t go for a carb load this early in the morning.
“You could have woke me up so I can help you get ready!”
Cat slapped his arm, causing Jeremy to flinch back slightly. “Nope. This day is for you, remember?”
Jeremy frowned at Cat who was smiling from ear to ear. She wouldn’t relent to him, standing her firm unwavering ground. It did not matter anyway since they were almost done with packing, so Jeremy made his way to Jean and leaned against his back. “Pancakes.”
“Mhm. It is your favorite. Blueberry.” As he said that, Jean finished a stack of three and handed the plate off to Jeremy. Not only were there a perfect stack, but he had some yogurt with fruit on top. Of course, Jean made sure to sneak in some protein, and it would not surprise Jeremy if the pancakes were made from protein pancake mix.
“Thank you, thank you!” Jean wasn’t far behind him with his breakfast, which only consisted of Greek yogurt and a breakfast burrito, Jean’s new favorite breakfast to make for himself. The first bite of pancakes was delicate. Perfectly fluffy with the right amount of blueberries. It almost made Jeremy moan with each bite. “This is amazing, babe! Who taught you how to make these?”
“My class.” This semester, Jean decided to take a cooking class, taking a page from Jeremy’s book by taking a course vastly different from his major. When Jean asked about cooking classes in November, Cat and Jeremy immediately went into action. Now the cooking classes were paying off, it seems.
“Hey boys, we are leaving in twenty,” Laila said. “Cody got the cooler. Xavier got the volleyball and football. So, we should be ready to go. We are taking my car, so Jeremy, don’t worry about driving.”
Jeremy pouted. “What? But I love driving!” Laila didn’t respond, but instead, made her way to the room. “Wait, Laila! I’m the one who used to live by the beach! Let me drive, please? Please.”
“Zip it! Jean insisted. Take it up with him!” Jeremy slowly turned to Jean who did not seem phased by Laila’s admission. Instead, he continued on eating and slid his coffee over to Jeremy.
One the way to the beach, Jeremy could not help thinking about everything. Jean’s large hand held Jeremy’s with a careful touch. The warmth. The gentleness. The callouses that grounded Jeremy. He looked over at his love to see him staring out the window with wonder in his grey eyes. Jeremy still questioned if this was real, if he was dreaming all of this and that he would wake locked up in his old room at Castle Wiltshire.
Jeremy thought of everything Jean’s been doing for him. He thought about the gentle way he’s been handling the news. Some part of Jeremy wished he would be more saddened, but Jean’s exceeded expectations by being the best boyfriend he could ask him. Supporting him. It’s exactly what Jeremy needed, yet all Jeremy could think about was them being three thousand miles apart. The reality always hit him at the worst times.
Soon enough, they all made it to the beach, meeting the other floozies who were setting up the volleyball net and the plethora of towels. “Hey! Looks like everyone is here!” Xavier shouted to get everyone’s attention.
“We can finally get the party started!” Pat exclaimed and got the music started.
They all began to unpack their bags, pulling out their towels and sunscreen. Jeremy watched Jean lather sunscreen all over his arms and legs, noticing just how tan Jean has gotten. Now that Jeremy thought of it, Jean’s been with them for nearly a year with plenty of time in the sun. It did not take long for Jean to get a good tan going, which Jeremy greatly appreciated.
“Jeremy?” His voice brought Jeremy out of his thoughts and he blinked up at him just when Jean began to squirt the sunscreen in his hands. “Sunscreen.”
“Sunscreen?” Just as confusion came, realization quickly took its place. “Yeah. Sunscreen. I need that.” Jean has this way where he can have the subtlest change in expression. Jeremy learned over the past year how to read those minuscule changes. “It’s fine! I got a little lost in thought is all.”
“Is that all?” Jean asked, innocently. Suspiciously.
Much like how Jeremy can read Jean’s tiniest expressions, Jean knew better than to believe Jeremy’s white lies. “Wanna play volleyball? You said you’ll try it, and I think you’ll do great.”
“Jeremy.” Jeremy stopped in his tracks and looked up at Jean just in time for him to rub the sunscreen on his cheeks. “Sunscreen.” Jeremy chuckled as Jean helped him apply the sunscreen. “We will talk later today. Remember what we promise each other?”
The promise from months ago. Jeremy remembered it, especially the days when he catches himself going against the promise. Much like today. “Yes. We can talk later.” Jean gave a look that Jeremy could not deny. “I promise.”
“Are you two ready? How long does it take to put on sunscreen?” Jeremy and Jean looked over at Pat waving them with a volleyball under one arm. “We are waiting on you! Is Jean joining?” Jeremy looked up at Jean who rolled his eyes before leading them to the others, who all cheered.
Instead of being on the same team, they all decided to separate the partners. Jean, Cat, Cody, and Pat were on one team; Jeremy, Xavier, Laila, and Ana was on another. Leaving Min to play referee. Jeremy kept getting distracted by Jean, who seemed to enjoy the game despite himself. He moved perfectly in sync with the rest of his team, and Jeremy was amazed with how quick he picked up on the game.
Unfortunately, for Jeremy, his distraction became a detriment to his team. Multiple times he missed the ball or didn’t move quick enough. After the third game, and after being hit by the volleyball for the upteenth time, they all decided to take a break and eat some fruit. Cody packed many fruits, vegetables, lunch meats, and cheeses. Something light before heading off into the ocean.
While Jean has made loads of progress with the therapist, he is not quite comfortable with the huge waves crashing down onto him. Instead, Jeremy and Jean decided to walk along side the shore with the water up to their ankles. Once more, hand in hand, tethering Jeremy to one thing before his mind drags him away into the sea where he will be lost forever. They walked down the shore quietly, only listening to the roaring sound of the sea breeze and the birds singing overhead.
Nearly a mile later, Jean stopped walking and let go of his hand to pick up a shark’s tooth. Jeremy watched as he eyed the shark’s tooth then handed it off to Jeremy. It was such a simple gesture that made Jeremy’s heart melt then grow even sadder. The sadness from earlier consumed him, causing him to drop his hand to his side before Jean could take hold of it, only breaking him even more.
“What is wrong?” Jean asked, and as he went to touch Jeremy, Jeremy moved away. The mood shift was so sudden, Jean did not seem to comprehend it. Jeremy could not even comprehend it himself.
“Sorry.” They stood in silence for a solid minute as Jeremy gathered his thoughts. “I don’t know, Jean.” Jean always knew how to read Jeremy, even noticing the littlest of things and knew exactly what to do. Instead of getting closer, Jean stood next to him, so Jeremy could still feel his presence. He waited, more patient than he ever was.
Jean is just too damn perfect for Jeremy, and the next thing Jeremy said just flew out of his mouth without any thought. “Are you not upset that I’m leaving?”
The sudden question took Jean aback. His eyes widened and his jaw clenched. “What?” He asked in a simmered tone, not reaching quite anger but irritation clearly exuded from him. “Why are you asking that?”
Jeremy wanted to bite his tongue back, apologize for what he said and to move on, but he couldn’t. “You don’t seem so upset. If anything, you’ve been too perfect with this whole thing.”
The simmering slowed after that as Jeremy watched confusion settle in. “Is that not what I am supposed to do?”
The confusion, the question, was so innocent, so endearing. A question that Jeremy did not know how to answer. Neither of them knew how to walk a serious relationship like this one. The only other one Jeremy had was with Leo, a relationship that ended in horrible terms. And Jean… ”I don’t know, Jean. I don’t get why you don’t seem so upset about my leaving. These past two weeks, you’ve been acting so normal about this, as if our time together is not about to end.”
“We’ve always known this would happen, Jeremy. It is a good thing you are leaving, no?”
The tension in Jean’s face eased when he saw Jeremy, who was trying to stifle the tears from coming. Jeremy took a deep breath and said in a shaky voice a simple and quiet, “No.” Has he always been aware that this would happen? Jeremy was not since his plan always involved him staying in California. Rather that be trapped with the Wiltshire’s as a dead end lawyer or freedom with the pro California team. The plan never consisted in him leaving, away from everything he known, away from his friends, away from Jean.
”Jere-“
“We should get back before the others send out a search team for us.” He turned on his heals and made for the others, not knowing if Jean was following him or not.
~~~
Silence filled the next few days. Papers scattered the apartment floor every day as everyone prepared for finals or were writing essays. Jeremy enjoyed the silence because it slowed time down to a near halt. The boringness of exam preparation kept him in a stagnated space. All anyone did in the apartment was sleep, study, take their test. Nothing in between apart from eating and taking Jabberwocky on his walks. Unfortunately, time kept going, and soon it became two days before graduation, and five days before Jeremy goes to New York City.
With the silence came the harsh tension in the apartment. Jeremy has not spoken to Jean, choosing to sleep in the spare bedroom, while Jean has not spoken to Jeremy. After the beach trip, Cat asked why they were so quiet, in which neither answered. Laila gave a quick look to Jeremy, as if telling him they will talk about it. They never have.
Exams consumed their life, so there was never a good time to bring it up, until now. Laila and Jeremy stayed at the apartment while Jean and Cat were on campus taking their last final exam. Jeremy still had a paper he was editing for a class, and Laila had a final project she needed to present the following day. Jeremy knew that if Laila were to bring it up, now would be the best time since Cat and Jean would not come back for a long time. They sat in separate parts of the apartment. Jeremy on the floor in the middle of the living room, with his laptop on his lap. Laila at the table, putting the final pieces of her presentation. The silence was an odd mix of enjoyable and daunting, and it stretched on for the entirety of the day.
When Jeremy walked to the kitchen for a drink, Laila slapped the table and made a loud “hah.” He bounced up, nearly slamming the refrigerator door in startlement. “It’s done. It is finally done! Oh, sweet graduation, here I come.”
This made Jeremy smile. All she needed to do now was turn it in, and she’s done with school. The thought made his heart twinge in a strange bitter sweetness. “Congratulations! Maybe tonight, we all can finally relax.”
Laila made her way to Jeremy to grab a juice for herself. “Maybe.” She opened it and took a sip with a raised eyebrow. “How much more of that paper you got left?”
“Five more pages to edit. Should be done in about an hour.” They both sat at the table with their juices. Jeremy didn’t realize how stiff he was until he realized how much his shoulders hurt, so he began stretching them out. “Was going to take it up to campus in the morning if you wanted to come with me. Probably will be our last time being there as USC Trojans.”
Laila groaned and put her forehead on the table. “Do not remind me. Ugh.” She sat there forever, and Jeremy continued to drink his juice as he waited for her to sit back up. He understood the feeling too well, as that’s all he’s been thinking about for the past few days as his final days as a college student, a USC’s exy captain, as anything, came to an end. When Laila did sit back up, her face became stone cold, tense, before saying. “I’ve been waiting until after we both were done and when everyone was not around, but now is as good a time as any.”
Jeremy felt his face flush with heat and his jaw tensing so hard he felt a headache coming on. Laila crossed her arms and shifted herself in a stone seriousness. Silence hung heavily between them as Jeremy tried to search the right words before saying a simple, “I don’t know.”
With that response, of course, Laila would scoff and roll her eyes. “I don’t know.” She mimicked dramatically. “What is going on between you two? Actually, I know what’s going on with Jean, what’s going on with you?”
Jeremy did not know what to say to that, or how to answer her question. He looked down at his hands to mindlessly pick at the skin around his nails. If no one knew any better, it would look like a child getting a lecture by his mother, if that child was a twenty-three year old man. “I assume he told you.”
“He came to me, confused, that night after everything went down.” Another silence hung between them, before Laila finally stated, “Jeremy, look at me. Please, do not hide away. You just got to a point where you opened up more, don’t waste it.”
As always, Laila was right. When Jeremy left his family’s house, he refused to talk about what happened. Rhemann, Laila, even Cody approached Jeremy, but he only gave a smile and waved them off. This lasted for weeks until one day he finally exploded and needed to take a smoke away from everyone. The only one who followed Jeremy was Jean, who became an unwavering force that would not allow Jeremy to hide or run away or smile the pain away. Maybe things have not changed too much if he is going back to how he was before.
“I don’t even know what I was saying,” Jeremy finally said. “I think I was finding reasons.”
“Finding reasons?”
Jeremy ran a hand through his hair and gave a quick chuckle. “Jean is too good and perfect for me.” Jeremy wanted to retract what he said as soon as he said it, but then Laila’s face and demeanor softened. “I am sure he’s upset of my leaving, but I don’t know. It does not make sense.”
“It’s your way of pushing him away.” Laila said it so simply that it took Jeremy aback. “You need to talk to him instead of pushing him away. It’s unfair to him and to you.”
“I’m not trying to push him away.” Jeremy immediately said, causing Laila’s face to scrunch, knowing that he’s lying. “I don’t know. It’s just so complicated right now because I love that he’s being so supportive, but I also would prefer to see him upset. He’s lost so much, I don’t want him to lose me either.”
“He’s not going to lose you.” Jeremy put his head down on the table and groaned. “Why would you think he would lose you? Because of the long distance?” Jeremy shrugged. “Jeremy, please talk to him. That’s the only way through all of this.”
“I know. I know.” Jeremy did not put his head up, but he did feel Laila’s hand on his head and began to message at his scalp.
“After graduation, Cat and I will be leaving for our trip. That means you will be alone with him for the two days after. Talk to him then, yeah?”
Jeremy nodded and lifted his head up. “Yeah. Yes. I promise.”
“Good, now go finish that paper so we can be official USC graduates. I’m waiting for you.”
~~~
Graduation came, and a bitter taste developed in Jeremy’s mouth as he realized he subconsciously searched for his parents in the crowd. Instead of finding Mathilda or Trent or even Analise, he found Jean with his unwavering gaze directly on him. His heart squeezed and remained that way for the remainder of the night. Early the next morning, Cat and Laila left for their trip, leaving Jeremy alone in the apartment with Jabberwocky and Jean.
When Jeremy woke up, the flavorful smell of blueberry pancakes and bacon wafted in the air, causing him to get out of bed and make his way into the kitchen. Much like the morning before going to the beach, Jean stood over the stove as he attempted to make the perfect circular pancake in the pan. On the table, an already made cup of coffee sat at Jeremy’s seat, which surprised him. It’s been just over a week since the argument, and Jean was still making him breakfast.
Jeremy did not understand.
He stood there, watching from his bedroom door as Jean carefully made breakfast for the both of them. Jeremy’s heart twinge, fluttered with every single movement Jean made. Just as those feelings came, another decided to flood in: Guilt and regret. This wonderful still continued to make breakfast for Jeremy, despite the past week. So much wasted time when time was everything but their friend.
Jabberwocky jumped on Jean’s leg with his tail wagging. Jean said something in French to Jabberwocky, which Jeremy could only understand “no food for dogs,” then watched as Jean gave a piece of bacon to the dog. The interaction was so sweet and so simple, Jeremy couldn’t help but to smile. Of all the times Jean seemed to not like Jab, always calling him a beast and rolling his eyes when Jab barked, he does show a lot of affection for him.
Jean turned around to finally face Jeremy. Jeremy did not know what to expect, but Jean only said one thing, “Eat before everything gets cold.” The demand forced Jeremy to the table, right at his spot. Jabberwocky bounced up on his leg with his tongue out of his mouth and his tail wagging. Jean sat across from Jeremy with his own breakfast that was vastly different than his own.
“You made my favorite?”
“Of course. You graduated last night.” A simple reason, a simple gesture.
He did not say much more and continued on his own breakfast. Jeremy picked at his own blueberry pancakes, and they ate in silence. As they did so, Jeremy played back the conversation at the beach and what Laila told him. They only had a couple more days together, but the only way Jeremy can get through it is to do what Laila suggested, even if that meant the worst case scenario.
The more Jeremy thought, the more he began to space out. He began to mindlessly tap his fork on the pancake, watching how the fork imprints itself into it. Jean noticed this, and watched as Jeremy played with his food. Jeremy continued on, ripping the pancakes apart. It was a bit silly, and Jeremy felt silly doing it, but he needed to keep his hands moving.
“Something is on your mind,” Jean stated ever so simply.
And, of course, Jean can pick up on any of Jeremy’s mannerisms. Carefully, silently, Jeremy placed his fork on his plate then finally looked at Jean, the ever so beautiful Jean Moreau. Grey eyes meeting brown for the first time in over a week. “You know there is.” Jean had to know all week that there was a lot on Jeremy’s mind. “I’m sorry for what I said at the beach. It was unfair of me to do that.”
Jean nodded, then took a sip of his coffee. “It was confusing, yes.”
“It was, but I’m just frustrated, I think.” Jeremy hated this. He hated being frustrated, and he hate to admit that he was frustrated, which the hatred slipped out and he laughed as he rubbed his face. “You’re just so great and supportive and perfect. And I’m just worried and scared about what’s going to happen to us next. How will we change? How will I change? I know it’s completely unfair to you.”
”Jeremy.” Jean said softly as he moved closer to him. He grabbed Jeremy’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “I am sad that you are leaving, but you are about to do exactly what you have wanted to do all of your life. I want to support you because you deserve it.”
Jeremy laughed a little. “This is so unfair. I don’t want to leave you or Cat or Laila or any of this. We built something so great, but it only lasted for such a short time.”
“Two months, five days, and counting. Nothing will change between us except distance.”
This Jeremy knew to be true, but he still groaned and laid his head on the table. “The distance is what I’m scared of, too. Then the lost time that we could have been together for, and...” What if’s constantly ran through his mind, and he knew all of them would not happen, but it still caused most of his anxiety. As if on cue, Jean leaned into Jeremy, and that’s when Jeremy felt all of the past three weeks come crashing down on him. Everything came crashing down on him.
“Jeremy. Talk to me.” It was a simple request, the words came so casually, but it wasn’t so easy. They sat like that for a while, Jean’s patience being so amazing yet so daunting. Jeremy wanted to stay by him forever, and not go to the airport the day after tomorrow. All of the words stayed stuck in his throat, not wanting to escape. His thoughts clattered annoyingly, but Jean was there. Jean was there, and he had stayed there for as long as Jeremy sat there. His presence became a force that held Jeremy together. A foundation for him to stand on.
When he was able to calm down, nearly a millennia later, Jeremy sat up and wiped the tears from his eyes, tears he did not know came out. “Sorry.” Jeremy looked at Jean, whose grey eyes held his so carefully and patiently.
Jean lifted Jeremy’s chin. “We will make the distance work, Jeremy. We will make that work, and we can make up for lost time. We will make the next two days work.”
“Are you not mad about the past week?”
“Why would I be mad? You needed your space. We had finals. We are talking now. It is working out, no?” Jeremy couldn’t help but let out an exhausted laugh. It truly was that simple to Jean, so why could it not be this simple of Jeremy? “What?”
“God, I love you so much, Jean Moreau.” Jeremy blurted out before he could stop himself. Relief flooded over him, allowing him to move into Jean, who both fell out of their seats from the sheer force. Jabberwocky began to run around them, while Jeremy was laughing. “Oh are you okay? I did not mean to do that.”
“You caught me off guard.” Jean said as a smile cracked in his face, a genuine one Jeremy did not think he would see any time soon.
They kissed each other, and everything was perfect again. All worries dissipated in thin air because now Jeremy understood. He understood that he should not be afraid of this new change. He understood that what he and Jean have already been through everything from a burned down home to Raven harassment to everything Jeremy went through with his family. As they undressed, Jeremy could not help the love blooming deep in his chest and it grew larger and larger. With every kiss, every touch. He wanted time, this specific moment, to stand still forever. He wanted the next day, where they stayed in bed naked, to stay forever.
Yet, time has a cruel way of ending the good because soon enough it became time for Jeremy to leave. They went to the airport, the same place where their journey began. The same place where Jeremy picked Jean up just a year prior. Jean waited with him, their hands wrapped together. Jeremy made sure to remember the feeling and imprinted it into his mind. When his place was called, neither one of them moved for a solid minute before Jeremy turned to Jean and gave him the one thing to complete this chapter: A yo-yo. The very same one Jeremy got tangled when he picked Jean up. A piece of Jeremy. They made their final kiss, and suddenly Jeremy was off with love and pain in his heart.
~~~
Two months later, Jeremy Knox sat in the locker room for the New York (exy team) alone. He stared at the sweaty blue jersey in his hands. His first ever game on a pro team, won. The number on his jersey is no longer the infamous 11 he adorned for the past five years. Instead, the number was a weird 33 that he should have had two months to get used to, but still have not. Seeing the number made him think of the now gone number three on Jean’s cheek bone. He thought about the gray eyes and the smile he finally bore witness to before leaving for New York City.
Classes at USC will start in a few days, and Jean, Cat, and Cody should be getting back from their roadtrip today. Jean promised to call him after his game, but no call came. It did not bother Jeremy, however. He understood. Instead, his teammates interrupted his thinking by being loud when they came into the locker room.
“Nice game, J.”
“I knew having you on our line up was the right call, California!”
Tim, his roommate and pseudo mentor, sat next to him with a Gatorade bottle. “You did great, but coach got a couple of notes for you.” He handed the note off to Jeremy. “He says to talk to him in the morning, but I convinced him that you deserve to have fun.”
Jeremy nodded and tucked the note into his bag. Everyone began talking about a party that Jeremy had no interest in joining. “Thanks. I think I am going to head home for the night.”
“Oh, not joining us for the party?”
“Not tonight. Have a phone call to attend to.”
Tim seemed to accept that and waved him off, telling him to get going. So, Jeremy did, taking the twenty minute long taxi drive home. Coming to New York City became a near cultural shock for Jeremy. It all felt darker and dirtier compared to Los Angeles where art was so highly praised. He learned to enjoy it and welcomed the differences. Though, it constantly felt like a piece of him was missing.
The front desk worker at his apartment complex, who always looked unapproachable, congratulated Jeremy on a good game. “Oh, you got a package.” She said as she pulled out a large package from behind the counter. ”It’s heavy, so you will want to take the elevator.”
Jeremy nodded and gave a quick thank you before heading up to his apartment. A package he did not expect but was sweating to get it opened. He immediately set it in the middle of the living room floor, staring at it, thinking of all of the possibilities. Jeremy knew he should take his time with it, but the anticipation took over and he ripped the box open. Many things fell out. A bag of seashells with “Florida” labeled on it. Many pictures with dates written on the back. A picture of Cat and Cody. One of the St Louis Golden Arc. One of Jean scowling as they hiked a mountain. So many pictures that Jeremy fell in love with. Jeremy pulled out a sweatshirt with Jean’s jersey number on it. A smile appeared on his face as he brought it to his nose and smelled the familiar scent.
While relishing in the surprise, the familiar tone from his phone rang, and Jeremy immediately picked it up. “Hey. I was just looking at your package. Did you make it home alright?”
“Hello. Yes, did you like it? Cat is sending another one from the rest of our trip.” Jeremy smiled even wider, feeling calmer from hearing Jean’s voice.
“I loved it. Can’t believe I have a Jean Moreau sweatshirt special.” Jeremy looked at the sweatshirt and sighed. “We won the game tonight. Wish you were there.”
“Cody and I plan to go to next week’s game, but Cat and I needed to get back home for school.”
Hearing that Cody and Jean were going to see his next game made Jeremy’s heart swell. He missed Jean so much, feeling his hands on his hand. The familiar weight and scent. The pictures and the sweatshirt helped, but it’s simply not the same. The only thing Jeremy had to hold onto for now, for the rest of this season, is hearing Jean’s voice and his plans to live with him in New York City. Jean did not have any intention to join a pro team as he found what he truly wanted to do, wanting to live a quiet life.
They talked on the phone for hours, and Jeremy could not help the swelling in his heart. He never knew what the distance could mean for them. Jeremy missed him. He adored him. He wanted to share his life with him. He wanted to grow old with Jean and spend every moment in his life with Jean Moreau.