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If there was to be one place that would instantly come to Nirei’s mind when speaking of comfort places, it would be the family-owned stationery shop near his house. That place has been his safe haven and place of interest for as long as he can remember. The first time his mom took him here, it was to replace his stolen school supplies. Sure, it felt terrible to go out for this kind of reason, but the mundane joy of choosing these kinds of supplies always brought his sparkle back. The cute animal pens he had grown to love still sat at his desk, loved and remembered.
Nirei looks through a myriad of notebooks. To each, their own beauty; hardcovers, art covers, built-in tabs, thin paper, thick paper… The choices were endless. He felt like a kid in a candy shop. Just so much to choose from.
Even so… everyone has their favorites. Nirei’s eyes laid on the tiny, pocket-sized, beige soft-covers. The kind he always bought for his Top Secret notebooks. Convenient, Easy to carry, those silky-smooth pages.
A fond joy wrinkles his freckled nose, leading up to a ghost of a smile.
Soft music from the establishment filled his ears– it was quiet here at this time at night. In fact, Nirei hadn’t seen many people aside from regulars like him come visit the shop. Well, it made sense. They were in the middle of winter break, after all. This certainly wasn’t a great time for people to come get stationery supplies. It was freezing out there.
The back of his hand drags gently over the page of a notebook. It’s chilly and it sends goosebumps through his arm.
Paper always feels cold at first touch– but the more you love it, the more you scribble down and hold it… the warmer it becomes. Just like humans. We only ever become a true version of ourselves when we take in humanity and come up with our own meaning of what it means to be a part of this world. Only then, we can take and receive the warmth of love.
A ring fills the shop’s quiet atmosphere.
Wow! Nirei thought. Seems like the cold won’t stop other people, too.
Nirei goes back to put the notebook away, but it slips off his hand before it can reach the aisle. The thud echoes as loud as a freight train to Nirei.
Everything’s suddenly louder. Brighter. Too much.
He doesn’t even realize how much he is trembling until he tries to pick the notebook back up.
Like his senses, his body seemed to be betraying him as well.
It starts to hurt.
What caused this reaction from him only came closer and closer– browsing. Unaware of his panic. Unaware of his existence.
Those same voices who haunted his middle school years echoed through the aged walls of the shop. That sound didn’t bounce back and forth and taunt him as it did back then. It reached and shattered him little by little. The safety bubble he believed he was in was revealed to be nothing more than what it truly was. An illusion.
Of course. Of course they weren’t gone. Why would I ever think I’m safe?
You know better, Akihiko.
Nirei doesn’t know if they will recognize him or not. His hair was dyed blond now, he grew taller, he was covered in less bruises.
But would that be enough?
He winces when a memory stabs at his heart. It races like it wants to jump straight out his chest. Suddenly, even his flesh and bones feel like too much. The rough fabric of his jeans and jacket against his skin ached.
Footsteps reach the end of the aisle he’s in.
Nirei’s body moves out of pure instinct when his head snaps towards its direction. It was no mistake. It truly was them. The three men who tormented him for so long.
And now, they had their backs turned to him. They had no idea he was there. But Nirei was sure that once they had a single glance at his terrified eyes or the disgusting dots littering his face… it wouldn’t even be seconds before it happens all over again.
Words and thoughts that weren’t his filled in the gaps of his desperation. All the time he had taken to heal from this, to believe his new classmates from Furin when they said he was greater than he thought… all down the drain.
Why is healing so easy to destroy, but the wounds so easy to open? It’s not fair.
Life isn’t fair.
Disgusting, disgusting. Weird. Ugly. I’m so weak–
Nirei storms out of the place empty-handed. The gloomy vastness of the pitch-black starless sky and the chilling snow was all that surrounded him at that moment. He tries taking another step, one not out of terror– but all of his limbs feel stiff and not his own. The piercing-cold air stings his lungs like needles. Gasping for air only made it worse. Yet, it is all he could do. Nirei believes he will fall apart if he doesn’t.
Finally, his knees give out.
Nirei yelps and sobs when his hands sink into the thick snow. Like an injured animal, he drags himself out of it, leaning his back against the side of the shop. A regretful hiss escapes his lips when a sharp pain travels throughout his entire back. The aftermath of training he had with Suo the other day still hasn’t fully healed.
Why? Why? Everything felt like too much right now. Nirei couldn’t bring himself to do anything but try to breathe as hard as he could and cry.
Everything hurt so badly. His shoulders trembled with each sob that broke out of him, the unbearable migraine and ringing in his ears that came along, the cold that made taking in a deep breath nearly impossible.
Slowly, he drags his knees close to his chest and hugs them.
It wasn’t getting any better. All that came to him were memories of everything he had to go through because of them.
He remembers getting beaten to a pulp after school. He remembers his notebooks and sketchbooks getting pulled out of his hands and backpack, they would either get ripped to shreds or thrown away. He remembers his poems and writing getting stolen, the next day they’d be displayed all around the town and he’d get made fun of for it. He remembers not doing what they wanted quite right and getting called all sorts of insults. He remembers their backs walking away from him once they were done destroying his very own perception of who he was. He remembers–
Nirei is immediately shoved out of his own thoughts when a familiar, buzzing feeling resonates in his pocket.
With a heavy sigh, he weakly pulls his phone out.
He can’t make out any of the words because of the tears clouding his vision. Once he opens the notification, that icon of a golden-brown tea brewed beautifully in fine china is unmistakable.
Suo.
Messages keep on coming. A long pause before one more message, shorter than the others.
The tears spilling out of him were like an open dam. He wouldn’t be able to text back. Not like this.
A shaky finger taps on the call button. Nirei was starting to feel lightheaded. The more he tried to take in air, the more he couldn’t.
Nirei waits anticipatedly for that playful, calm voice on the other side of the line.
It finally comes after what felt like an eternity of electronic buzzing.
“Nire-kun.”
He closed his eyes, taking in that sound.
But he could barely hear it. Voices from his past spoke louder than anything that was real.
“Haha, you looked at my messages but didn’t respond for a long time,” Suo remarks. “That’s unusual from you. Have you become like Sakura-kun?” Those lighthearted jabs at Sakura would be something Nirei would normally silently judge Suo for.
He couldn’t do it now. Not even if he wanted to.
Nirei thought he could at least say a word– but nothing.
The same sobs and gasps he’s been making are the only things that leave him. His shaky, quick breaths make it to the other side of the line, followed by a silent wail.
Some shifting can be heard from the other side, as if someone was straightening themselves out. “Nire-kun? Are you okay?” Suo’s tone shifted immediately, alarmed and attentive.
In a pathetic attempt, Nirei shakes his head, forgetting that Suo isn’t able to see him.
“Please talk to me, Nire-kun,” Suo gently offers before adding on, “What happened?”
Nirei’s lips quiver. He isn’t sure if it’s because of nerves or the cold. “S…S…”
“There you are.” Suo’s sigh of relief comes through.
“I-I… I’m scar…ed.” Nirei can see black spots in his vision. “Suo… Suo-san,”
Suo’s silence fills the space.
“I n… need you here. Please.”
What is he doing? Pleading Suo for help like this when he isn’t even hurt? Suo had better things to attend to, surely.
Suo, though, strongly disagrees. Shifting can be heard from Suo’s line, followed by rushed footsteps. “Where are you?”
Nirei sniffles, his voice raspy and desperate. “Wh-Where I took… uhm, you and… S… Sakura-san. Yesterday.”
All while Nirei talked, movement was all that came through from Suo before his sweet voice came again. A hint of breathiness coming from his usual composed tone, “Right. It’s your favorite place, isn’t it?”
Just like his mind, his limbs started to feel numb as well. That rapid, shallow breathing never stops. Nirei’s jaw hung slightly open, Suo’s words not quite reaching him.
“Nire-kun. I need you to stay with me. I’ll be getting there as soon as I can.” Suo reminds as softly yet sternly as he can.
Nirei jolts a bit with Suo calling his name. He pushes his back against the hard, brick wall, hoping the pain would bring him out of this haziness clouding his mind… it was slowly taking him away. This air was not enough to keep him fully there.
Suo encouraged Nirei to talk or to remain awake, promising that he’d stay on the line until he reached him.
Through sharp breaths and sobs, Nirei explained what happened– why he feels so scared and unsafe, why his body feels like it’s booting off little by little, no matter how quick or hard he’s breathing. Suo talks back to him, but Nirei can’t make out a single word he’s saying,
Just when Nirei’s sure he’s about to pass out, the call is cut abruptly and the air shifts in front of him.
A warmness so gentle, so comforting, carefully wipes his face. That same warmth cups his face, which had lost all of its color by now.
Nirei leans into it as he opens his eyes, the figure before him looking down with care and worry.
His eyepatch seemed crooked, his hair messier than usual, a strange emptiness hanging below his ears. Suo truly did rush out.
Despite Suo’s efforts of wiping his tears away, more streamed down. Endlessly and painfully. Something else shifted and touched him– wrapping around his neck and shielding him from the cold. Finally, Nirei could smell something that wasn’t the dirt and mud his face would get shoved into back then. It smelled something like a comfy teahouse with a hint of peppermint. It was Suo’s smell.
Nirei breathed in deeply, letting that calming smell resonate deep within him. Suo’s scarf was thick and snuggly. If he could, he would be happy to spend the rest of his days living in Suo’s scarf.
When he looks back up again, Suo’s attention is elsewhere. His single eye directed towards three men cluelessly leaving that same shop, stabbing like daggers behind their backs.
His attention is back to Nirei when he whimpers and gasps in pain, of which Suo quickly tends to. Carefully, Suo scoops the other boy up from the cold ground, leaning in to hold him closer and speak so only he could hear.
“I will be taking you home tonight, Nire-kun.”