Chapter Text
back when I was a child, I always heard my grandma’s soft voice when she sung in the kitchen, preparing my favourite caramel macarons, with a side of the crispy apple tarts.
I vividly remember the faint smell seeping from the kitchen. I always used to be so excited for those crunchy, sweet bites. That’s what I thought life was like. A sweet apple tart. With the flavours bursting in my mouth as my taste buds exclaimed with pure joy.
I wish all that never disappeared from me. I wish all those joyous memories with laughter and love stayed. But as all sweet smells from the kitchen come, they have to go eventually.
Grandma. I miss your smile. I miss your sweet jokes about me growing like a tall oak. I miss your desserts and meals. I miss the love you gave me. Especially when mother did it. When I found her in the bathtub. That unfaithful feeling. The smell of the putrid air.
I remember seeing mother. The lights were so dimmed you could hardly see anything. But what I saw was probably the most nauseating thing I’ve had to experience. With those small orange bottles, fully empty. Some blue bottles and caps floating around on the cold water, that was carrying my dearest mother’s rotting body. That was something no child should ever see. It still makes me sick to this day.
But when it happened.
You were there for me.
Grandma.
I remember your comfortable home after I had to leave my own. After seeing that unsightly image of my rotting mother’s body in the overfilled bathtub and all those bottles of Prozac and medications .
Do you think she ever found peace?
Do you think she heard the angel choirs and seas of light?
Do you think she sleeps on the clouds above our heads?
I could only wonder if she ever got the eternal sunshine and peace she deserved.
And as for dad.
I miss him too.
I still wonder where he could be.
After being taken to the police after shoplifting diapers when I was merely a month old. Even though he was held in custody for 6 months. He never came back.
That’s what mother always whispered to me.
‘Hey… look at that man over there. He’s shoplifting like your dad.’ She’d mutter to me, when I was a child. Maybe 5 or 6?
She was always nice to me. But someone when I angered her, she went out for a smoke. I remember when you wanted her to stop, because grandpa died from lung cancer from the same reason. I knew you were brave. You wanted your daughter to stay alive.
Look where we are now.
I still miss you grandma. Have you joined mother in the choirs? Or are you being lonely in the clouds and rain with other old souls?
Did you reunite with grandpa? If so, I’m so happy for you.
I’ve been having some issues lately. I can’t tell him yet. My mental state has changed. Ever since the end of therapy, that auntie emily signed me up for.
Auntie Em.
I miss you too.
Even though you’re alive.
I wonder how you’re doing.
Especially after losing my cousin.
I wish I met you again.
I wish I met you before you passed away in her womb.
I do feel like you’re thriving in heaven with mother and gran, though.
I understand Auntie Em and Uncle must be devastated.
They were especially waiting for their Chloé to be born.
Ever since the loss of baby Chloé, Auntie Em has completely disassociated herself from the outside world. She’s stopped contacting all of us. Especially me. When I visited her the other week, she was in shambles. Her hair had grown out. Knots tangled up. Her eyes were red and full of tears.
Don’t get me started on Uncle. He’d also been devastated by the news, but he’s trying to keep strong for Aunt Em.
I once caught him crying in secret. In the laundry room, I had to deliver clothes, for Aunt Em. I caught him crying, with tears of pain and denial rushing down his old face. I could see the pain in his heart. Just from the sight of him crying.
I know you’d also be feeling bitter and miserable at the thought of a dead baby, Grandma.
But I keep myself strong by knowing she’s in a way better place now. She can see her parents from the above. I hope she knows it isn’t her fault she’s dead. She never did open her eyes to see the world.
Either way, life at home has been more difficult. Ever since I moved to Korea. I live with my fianceè now. You would’ve loved him. He always tries to make me laugh. To smile.
I really do appreciate it.
But deep down, I know I can never be truly satisfied or happy. Not without you. Not without my parents. Not without Chloé.
The advice my therapist gave isn’t soothing me anymore. Just the thought of all these deaths just sicken me.
Maybe I should just join you.
But I know you wouldn’t want that grandma.
Would you?
You’re the most gentle soul.
And I wish I could’ve stayed that pure soul you knew.
I remember all those purities I had when I was just an innocent kid. And I remember that bubble blower I used in summer. You loved the bubble popping challenge.
And I decided to keep that summer activity and show it to my fianceè.
All these memories.
All they do is upset me.
All they do is hurt.
But they’re happy.
Aren’t they?
They’re meant to make me feel good.
To feel grateful
To feel better
But all they do is destroy me
As those memories fly away from my grasp.
And I wish they didn’t.
I wish you could’ve stayed.
I wish I stayed innocent.
I wish I stayed pure.
I wish I actually felt human.
Even though I love my xion, he makes me feel like something inhuman most of the time.
He praises me like I’m a god.
I’m nothing like that.
I feel like I’m being treated too much.
And sometimes it feels like he doesn’t see the real me.
Is it because I never show me, or because he’s too ignorant to notice my feelings and bad side of me?
The praise reminds me of how children of a generation praise a higher power or something inanimate.
But I am human.
I always was.
But it never feels like it and I can’t speak up.
I love him.
I really do.
I adore him.
With all my soul.
And I wish we will become one after marriage.
If I even life to see that day.
But this relationship could go down in flames any moment.