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Kariya would never say it out loud, but he really cared about his team. But letting them know was like social death and probably real life death too for him, so he was fine like this. That being said, there was one person who probably knew just how much he meant to him. Not that Kariya wanted to show it, he was just… rather perceptive. Kariya told him he needed to give himself more credit for that, but it probably fell on deaf ears. What he wished that boy also ignored, was Kariya watching the pink figure talking to the coach.
“Kariya-kun.” Hikaru smiled as he walked over to the benches. “Good job today.”
“Thanks, you too.” Kariya replied, already feeling wary from the way Hikaru smiled a little too hard than usual. “What’s with that face? You look like you’re trying to sell me some weird second-grade product.”
“Aw, come on! Don’t say that.” Hikaru pouted. He gave Kariya his water bottle as he carefully sat himself next to him. “I just… wanted to know how you’re feeling.”
“Now that Tenma-kun and the others are out there somewhere in the galaxy? Great, ecstatic even.” Lonely. “Can’t wait for my souvenirs from space.”
That part was true though, he was relishing the idea of Tenma prancing around having no idea what to buy for him in outer space markets (if they even had those). It made the feeling in his gut of realizing he was being left behind again sting just a little less.
But Hikaru’s constant glances away (and to someone else on the field) told him that that probably wasn’t the conversation they were going to have.
What a bothersome kid.
“Kariya-kun.”
“What?”
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about.” Hikaru sighed. “You’ve been… quieter now that they’re gone. And I don’t think it’s got anything to do with Earth Eleven.”
Kariya tried not to let the way his body stiffened show. “Oh? And your proof is?”
“Nothing. But we’re friends, aren’t we?”
Friend. It wasn’t an unfamiliar concept to Kariya. It was just a far more alienated term to him now. He had one, maybe two before. When was that? Kariya didn’t want to bother remembering. But friends, that was what they were, maybe? Shinsuke seemed to think everyone who was in the same class as him was one. Tenma would say it proudly and with no hesitation, but for him…
“If you say we are.” Straightforwardness wasn’t his strong suit. “Then why do you think I’m ailing so much, dear friend?”
Hikaru scooted closer, looked around cautiously and made sure Mr. Pink-Haired Temporary Captain was busy. “Did something happen between you and Kirino-senpai?”
Kariya blinked. “Uh, you guys know about that.”
“Not that! I mean recently. You’re not talking to Senpai as much…”
That wasn’t true. He didn’t really mean to, but somehow with Kirino replacing Shindou, it was like Kariya replaced Kirino’s position too. He was always helping him with something, working or just generally being in his vicinity just in case he was needed. If anything, people have been talking about how he was ‘tamed’ by Kirino. Hikaru wasn’t making any sense.
“Senpai’s been busy. Besides, I talk to Senpai all the time?”
“Kariya-kun, I know you’ve been working hard to help Senpai these days, but club activities aren’t the same as what I’m talking about.”
Kariya fought the urge to bite his lip. Yeah, sure, now that he was the captain Kirino was always working and focused on other things… But it wasn’t that much different from before anyway. Kariya was only there when Kirino needed a push. He wasn’t much of a reliable presence otherwise.
“It’s not like I’m close to Senpai anyway. We just walk home together sometimes.”
Hikaru shook his head. “Kariya-kun. Everyone knows it’s not like that.”
What does that even mean?
“Why does everyone think that?! Senpai doesn’t know shit about me—” Sensing Hikaru jump in his seat, Kariya stopped. Right, no cursing in front of Hikaru. “Uh. M-My bad.”
A moment or two of quietness passed, until Hikaru said the golden question.
“Can I ask you something?”
“What haven’t you asked?” Kariya tried to joke.
“Do you remember when you told me you had feelings for Kirino-senpai?”
“And I thought I said I didn’t want to talk about it?”
“...I’m worried, Kariya-kun. Is something bothering you?” God, it was always so hard when his fellow first-years looked at him with that face. That… bothered face. It was a good thing Tsurugi didn’t do something like that (for now, at least).
“It’s nothing.” Hikaru glared at Kariya, as though displeased with that answer. “It’s really nothing! I just… I just feel a little bit tired.”
“From what?”
Kariya watched the grass flow in the wind, contemplating on whether or not to tell Hikaru. But it’s Hikaru, so he ended up speaking anyway. “He was talking about being the new captain before,” he said. “Said stuff about pressure, walking in Shindou Senpai’s footsteps and that… that he was glad I was there for him.” Kariya sighed along with the wind gusting through the green. “That stuff’s pretty tiring.”
“Tiring? But he praised you, didn’t he?”
“Yeah. It gets tiring when it’s someone you don’t want to hear it from.”
Hikaru made a strange noise. “I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you want hear your crush—”
“Don’t call it that.”
“When your… person says nice things to you?”
“Because it gives you hope.” And hope was such a terrible thing. “I don’t like hoping.”
“Kariya-kun… it’s fine to hope for something, you know?”
“You don’t understand.” Kariya shook his head. It’s not like that. “I don’t want him to look at me that way.”
“You don’t?” Hikaru blinked. “But you like him, don’t you?”
“So what’s that got to do with it?” “Listen, Hikaru-kun. I’m stupidly grateful for him. I'd walk on lava and eat metal nails for that annoying, self-righteous guy— but if he ever told me that he had feelings for me, I’d never accept that.” Kariya hoped the quiver in his mouth didn’t show. “That’s just not the Senpai I know. He’s too kind for his own good, but not a doormat.”
Hikaru looked at him, eyes soft and non-judgemental. Don’t look at me like that, Kariya wanted to scream. “Do you not want him to feel the same way?”
And because it was Hikaru, he answered. “Sometimes. Only a little bit. But then I remember everything and think, ‘It was doomed from the start.’ There’s nothing I can do to change that, even if I gave everything to him.”
Silence engulfed them once again. Kariya was about to wallow in regret of what he said when he heard the quiet sobbing coming from the other. He quickly turned around to see Hikaru fighting back tears.
“But that’s just… that’s just so sad… Kariya-kun isn’t like that anymore, you know…”
Ah, here we go again. Hikaru might have seen through him a lot, but he still didn’t know him. Kariya never let him. No one in the club did— Hell, no one even knew about him being in Ohisamaen or his exact relation to Hiroto-san or the way his favourite brand of strawberry shortcake was the cheap, low-level chain store he ate before he left. But he was so adamant on Kariya being different, being someone Kariya wasn’t sure he’d ever describe as himself. Just what did these people see in him, really?
“Kariya-kun cares a lot, I know that! So it’s just too painful to see Kariya-kun be like this…”
“I told you, didn’t I? I’m fine like this. If anything I prefer it this way. When Senpai needs me, I’ll be there. And when Senpai walks forward, I’ll watch him from where I stand. It’s easier this way.” He’d been Kirino’s confidant in a way for a while, especially after what happened in France. He’d listen, give him some roundabout advice and Kirino would laugh and tell him thank you despite that. And that was fine.
From the deepest part of his heart, that was truly, honestly fine.
“...What are you doing?” One moment he was whispering to Hikaru, the next he was being crushed into a bear hug by him. But Hikaru’s voice was gentle when he spoke.
“It must hurt, loving in that way.” Hikaru slowly released him and started patting his back instead. “These are just my simple thoughts but… I think you’re really strong, Kariya. And loyal too. You’re surprisingly the sacrificial type though, huh.” But that is kinda like you, Kariya heard him say in the background, along with a laugh.
“...It’s nothing like… love or anything…” Kariya felt his fingers twitch. “I’m just attached… I’ll get over it later.”
“You don’t have to deny it with me, you know.” Hikaru started making circles onto his back. “I know Kariya thinks more than highly of Senpai.”
“It’s just—” Why again? “Why do I keep hoping for things that would never go well?”
Hikaru gave him a soft frown. “There, there.”
Kariya crouched down, hoping it’ll hide his face. He scratched his head his all his fingers in distress. “It just keeps repeating. I don’t want to want. Why can’t I just be alone?
Suddenly, Hikaru lifted Kariya’s shoulder and had him face him, eye to eye. Kariya blinked in confusion. “Because being with others helps us, makes us who we are. For the record, I don’t want you to be alone.” Hikaru said, voice assertive. “What would you do if I said that?”
“...I’d break into your home and drag you out of your room.”
“And I wouldn’t have it any other way.” The forward smiled at him. “Maybe we’re still learning and healing from our mistakes, but when I look at Kariya-kun, I see someone who I know will cherish his important people to his grave. You’d drink nails for me too, right?”
“Maybe.” Kariya pointedly tried to look away from Hikaru’s face. “Yes.”
Hikaru showed that stupid megawatt smile of his, but Kariya couldn’t find it in himself to be exasperated. “That’s why even though I know you can’t immediately heal from your heart right now, I want to tell Kariya-kun that he’s also a much better person than he gives credit for. So I hope you remember that.”
A pause. A sniffle came out from Kariya. “You really are something else, huh…”
“E-Eh?! Kariya-kun?!”
“Shut up, I just have some snot in my nose, that’s all…”
“Ah, ah, this is bad! Hold on, let me cover you with this! And then, uh—” Hikaru panickedly threw his sports towel on top of Kariya’s head, the stench of middle school boys sweat and possibly tears invading Kariya’s nose.
“I-I told you I’m fine!”
“Kariya? Kageyama? What are you two doing?” In a twist of comedic events, the devil himself walked in. Kariya decided to deal with the smell longer than see his face at that moment.
“Ah, I accidentally spilled water on him! I’m so sorry—”
“Seriously?” Kirino sighed. “Jeez, here let me help—” Just as he saw Kirino’s shadow reach out to his head, Kariya rushed to stand up.
“...’m fine. Don’t worry.” Kariya muttered. “You don’t have to help me.”
“Eh? Kari—”
“Let me help you get your clothing bag! C’mon, Kariya-kun!”
***
Kariya stood there quietly, not a word from his mouth. Now that Hikaru got a better look at him, he didn’t seem distressed at all. His eyes weren’t watery and his face was a normal complexion. Maybe he really wasn’t…?
But somehow I don’t believe that… Hikaru thought.
“S-Sorry, I forgot that people were watching and when I saw Kirino-senpai, I–”
“Hikaru-kun.” Ah, was he angry?! Kariya was a little bit of a grudge-holder when he got too mad, Hikaru had known before. As he waited for his judgement (while praying for himself), Kariya cleared his throat. “Um. Well. You know. That…” Kariya scratched his cheek, an awkward and bashful gesture. “Thanks.”
“Oh? N-No, I only messed it up more after that…”
“Then thanks. For caring.” Silence enveloped the room as Hikaru blinked at the words he just uttered. For caring, he said. “By the way, I never actually told you I liked him, you figured it out yourself, remember?”
“Oh, right… And um! Friends!”
“Friends?”
“Friends care for each other! So you don’t have to thank me!” Hikaru said, putting his entire body into saying each word. Kariya stepped back from the enthusiasm.
Friends… They’ve become a really funny thing to Kariya. But realized it now, he didn’t mind it at all.
“...That’s right, I don’t need to, don’t I?” Kariya laughed. “I’ve just got a worrywart of a bug sticking onto me, that’s all.”
“Come on… Don’t say it like that either!” Hikaru lightly groaned, slightly pushing Kariya away. Kariya only seemed to take pleasure in the reaction.
“Ah, but honesty. Why do I keep spilling everything to you?” Kariya shook his head. “Makes no sense.”
“I’ve been told I’m a great listener.”
“Well, stop that. You’re going to know more than you bargained for.”
“Hm, well. I don’t think I plan on listening to that.” Hikaru smiled.
Yeah… Friends didn’t sound like a bad thing at all.
“Fine, I guess you’re going to have to stick with me for life then.”
“Aye, aye, captain!”
“Hey now, if Senpai hears that, he’s going to be heartbroken.” Kariya said in the squeakiest voice he could manage, “But I’m the acting captain!”
“Senpai doesn’t sound like that.”
“He so does.”
“In your dreams, maybe.”
‘Wh—?! Hey!”
***
“What did you talk about with Kageyama?”
“Huh?”
“I saw you at the bench. You seemed… out of it.” On the day Kirino finally asked him to walk home together again, he looked worried and asked him about his little public stress session. Did he see all of it? Did he see through Hikaru’s lie? Ah, you’re so mean, Senpai. Why do you always care about me? It would be easier if you hated me and couldn’t care less about all of that.
Have you figured it out?
What do you even think about that? Gross? Annoying? Pathetic? Oh, but please don’t say you’re grateful. Please don’t say you’re sorry.
But all that Kariya could end up saying wasn’t any of that.
“It was a talk between friends.”
“Friends?”
“Yeah. In other words….” Kariya poked out his tongue at him.
"None of your business!”