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Even though Shane and Ilya have been married for a while now and they were comfortable having been set in their routine, Ilya still struggled with his mental health. While being out and able to publicly love his other half made a lot of his worries and stress fade, his trauma was deep and heavy. He always carried a lot on his shoulders even though he had a therapist and a wonderful understanding husband and a amazing team surrounding him. Most days were easy for him, especially since he got medicine to help his depression.
One day towards the end of a particularly rough season, they had a day off of hockey but a very busy day of their personal lives. Shane had a calendar on the fridge that he had very organized so he could keep track of the things they had planned for each month. And by the looks of it, today was going to be nonstop for them. First on the agenda was a vet trip for Anya. Nothing serious just some shot updates and a grooming then it was over to Montreal. It was one of Hayden Pikes a million kids birthday parties around noon, then they a little early dinner with Shane's parents that they tried to have at least once a week.
When the day came Shane got up early per usual to go for him morning run. Shane enjoyed his runs. Sometimes accompanied by Anya but his favorite was with llya. Today Shane didn't want to push Ilya into running in the morning cold because Shane knew he would rather stay in bed with Anya. So he embarked on his run alone. A quick 3 miles and he was back home showering. Ilya knew this because he heard his husband loudly making his presence known as he came in the room to the bathroom. When Shane didn't necessarily need Ilya awake at that exact moment he would intentionally be loud to kick start the process of llya waking up.
Ilya knew what Shane was doing so he made it known that he was awake by throwing a pillow at the bathroom door to shut it. The light was in his eyes and the shower was awfully loud with the mix of Shane rummaging through the drawers for god knows what. Probably one of his million skin care products or a razor. Shane hated a unclean shave. Although he had some facial hair, he made sure to keep it clean. Ilya rolled over to Anya being next to him sprawled under the covers with him. Rolling over Ilya knew what type of day this was going to be. He felt it with how heavy his limbs felt and how much of a struggle that roll was.
When Shane got out of the shower, about 15 minutes after trying to slowly wake Ilya up, he knew he would be in trouble if he waited any longer to get up. So again he rolled over and started to feel it in his chest. Just the weight of the world and all his stresses surrounding his rib cage and heart. He gave a weak effort of getting out of bed, turning so now his feet on the floor, head still on his pillow now at a angle though.
"Good morning Ilya" Shane said with a beaming smile. Now walking towards Ilya planting a kiss on his forehead.
"Morning honey" Ilya says in a mumbly voice. He still hadn't moved.
"We'll have to leave at 8 am to get Anya to the vet in time for her appointment" Shane said facing away from Ilya getting Ilya's clothes set out on the dresser.
"OK" Ilya said slowly getting up, now sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the floor.
Shane walks out the room again to finish getting their things together on the counter and finish wrapping up the presents they bought Pike's twins.
Ilya still in the bed had water forming in his eyes. Everything is FINE. I have a wonderful life. Why do I feel like this, especially on a busy day like today. Ilya though as he wiped his eyes and got up. Exerting all the energy he had in his body making his way to the bathroom. Shane walked in and gave Ilya a hug from behind, rubbing his chest and kissing his back.
"Hey, if you want you can stay home while I bring Anya to the vet. I know we planned on dropping her off at my moms and having her watch Anya for the day but maybe I can bring her back home and I can pick you up for the day" Shane said in between kisses down Ilyas back and shoulders.
Shane felt the tension under his fingers. Shane knew.
"No no is fine. I can go. I want to go" Ilya muttered through with a mouth full of toothpaste.
"I know Ilya. I know. You can take more time to rest today before the chaos begins" Shane said as he squeezed Ilya in a tight hug.
Ilya washed his mouth out and turned around facing Shane. "Shane… I don't know why I feel this way. I don't want to ruin your day" Ilya said now wiping the tears off his face. He really didn't know why he felt this way, but it was once in a while that the tightness in his chest would form and his limbs would each gain 15 pounds each feeling like sand bags. This is just when it decided to come back.
"Oh Ilya…" Shane said pulling his face into the crook of his neck "..its okay baby. No ones day is ruined." Shane now running his hands down Ilya's back and through his hair.
About a minute later Ilya collected himself as best as he can and pulled his face out of Shane's neck. Ilya hated feeling like this so he would fight it as much as possible. He never wanted it to get in the way of his life and today he was going to fight it off as much as he could.
"No!" Ilya said promptly. "We can both have a great day. Maybe later I would crack, but I'll be fine. For now we can bring Anya to the vet then to Ruby and Jade's birthday party" Ilya said with a stern look on his face like he knew he was going to conquer the battle inside his head.
"Oh Ilya…" Shane sighed out putting his hand on Ilya's face, looking at the love of his life with pure admiration. "I'm so proud of you. You're so strong."
After another hug and kiss Ilya finished getting ready. They brought Anya to the vet and then brought her to Yuna's house after the appointment.
"Thank you mom for watching her" Shane said while handing Yuna Anya's leash.
"Of course anything for my boys" Yuna said taking the leash and hugging Shane and Ilya.
"We'll see y'all later for dinner right? Or at least to pick Anya up" Yuna asked before heading inside.
"Yes we'll be seeing you and David for dinner" Ilya said winking and smiling big at Yuna as he was getting into the car.
The car ride to Hayden's house was easy. Light traffic and it was a beautiful day. Shane drove of course, he couldn't stand how his husband thought he had nine lives when he was driving. Shane kept the little conversation they had short and sweet. He knew today was going to be long and tough on Ilya. He kept his hand on Ilya the whole drive, grazing from his thigh to his arm and behind his neck. He wanted Ilya to be grounded and not get lost in his own mind. He also let Ilya play his music, not that he really cared at the moment as long as Ilya liked it.
When they got to Hayden's the party was picking up and others were also arriving around the time they were. They walked in holding three presents each. Three for each girl, they set them down on the already full table of other presents. When the girls spotted Shane and Ilya they immediately dropped their toys and ran up to them.
"Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya! " the twins shrieked in excitement as they jumped into their arms.
Ilya's face immediately started to glow. "Hello my favorite girls" Ilya said hugging them tightly. "С днем рождения, мои любимые Твимы!"
"What does that mean Uncle Ilya" the girls asked with confusion over their face.
"Happy birthday to my favorite twins. Obviously" Ilya said rolling his eyes with a smile growing.
After a few hours at the party, Shane's phone buzzed in his pocket.
Lily: Ready when you are.
Shane looked over to Ilya who was not but 5 feet from him. Ilya was talking with the WAGS, or at least the ones he liked. He rolled his eyes and chuckled to himself.
Jane: What are you talking about?
Lily: To go DUH. Ready when you say go.
Jane: Waiting for you. We can go now if you want.
Lily: Yes please 🙏🏼!
Shane walked away to go find Hayden in the sea of people. After he spotted him he walked up, "Hey man, Ilya and I are about to leave, we had a fun time" Shane said going to side hug Hayden.
"Of course man, love you. Have a safe drive home. And thanks for coming." Hayden says stepping closer to Shane, out of the mini group he was just in. "Don't tell Rozanov but the we appreciate him coming as well. The girls and Jackie adore him." Hayden said in a low tone as if there were spies around recording his confession.
Shane chuckled a little. "Any time, we adore your little girls. We all know Ilya does especially. We'll talk later." Shane said putting space between him and Pike. "Goodbye Hayd" he said now walking away. Finding Ilya in the house telling Jackie and the girls goodbye.
"I know girl. I will miss y'all more but Uncle Shane is boring and needs us to leave" Ilya said as two girls were pulling his arms, wanting him to stay.
It took a few bribes and promises to get the girls to let him go. As they were walking out Ilya turned around and blew them a kiss each and waved to Jackie goodbye.
When they got into the car Ilya let out a huge sigh. He put his hand on Shane's face and kissed him. "Thank you моя любовь."
"Anything for you" Shane said with his hand on Ilya's thigh.
"Lets go get Anya and go home" Ilya said as Shane drove off.
"Do you not want to go to dinner with my parents" Shane asked in a way to let Ilya know he wouldn't care if he said yes or no.
"No…" Ilya sighed out. "Is to much for today."
"Okay, do you want to text her or call her so they don't start making the plans"
"Yes I'll text her off of your phone"
"Okay" Shane said taking it out of his pocket and handing it to Ilya.
Shane: Hey mom, were coming to get Anya, about two hours away. We wont stay for dinner though. Shane doesn't feel well and he is being boring.
"What did you send her" Shane asked as Ilya was typing with a little grin on his face.
"Oh nothing, said you were being boring. And that you don't feel well" Ilya said putting Shane's phone in the cup holder.
A few minutes later it buzzed.
Mom: Okay Ilya, thank you for letting me know. Love y'all drive safe.
Ilya read it and smiled. Ilya knew Shane's parented loved him, but he loved when it showed, like how she knew it was Ilya by the way he texted. Even though it was obvious, it still meant something to him.
"She said okay and that she loves us" Ilya said putting Shane's phone back in the cup holder and returning to looking out the window.
Just like the car ride to Hayden's, it was a smooth drive back to Ottawa. Quiet but peaceful. The air between them was still and they both enjoyed the other's presence. When they got back to Yuna's house she brought out Anya.
"Here y'all go. Take care of my baby okay" Yuna said as she opened the back door to let Anya in the car. "And here is some food for y'all. David picked it up on his way home from the store for y'all " She said handing a bag of take out to Ilya through the window.
"Oh y'all didn't have to" Shane and Ilya went to say at the same time.
"Oh its not big deal. Anything for our boys. Well y'all drive safe. I love y'all" Yuna said waving to them blowing them a kiss from the walkway.
When they got home, Ilya walked in and immediately flew to the bar.
"Awe Shane your mom knows us so well. She got me Chicken Parm and you rabbit food" Ilya said laughing as he rummaged through all the boxes that were in the bag.
"That's a side salad Ilya, and its for you" Shane said going behind Ilya to give him a hug. " And you should eat it. Its really good for you"
"Funny joke Shane" Ilya said getting ready to dig into his food.
Shane followed after him and got a fork out for him and Ilya. He would have gotten plates and for them but he was sure Ilya would not have left overs and there was no need to dirty a plate. So Shane got himself a plate and took some of the salad his parents got him with the chicken on the side. After they ate Shane cleaned up while Ilya went and lied on the couch. Since Ilya was not paying attention, Shane left the main area to the bathroom.
A few minutes later Ilya felt Shane's hands run down his chest from behind.
"Oh hello" Ilya said looking up at Shane smiling.
"Come on follow me"
"Where" Ilya said now getting intrigued
Shane led him into the bed room
"I think i know where this is going" Ilya said through the smirk growing on his face.
"Close but no" Shane said taking his hand and led him to the bathroom where the tub was steaming and full of bubbles and candles lit around and on the counter.
"Oh, tub sex. Steamy" Ilya said going in to kiss Shane. Shane pushed away.
"Ilya" he sighed chuckling. "No this is to relax, I want to pamper you after your long day" he said pecking Ilya's lips.
"Pamper me in the bed"
"No, I mean maybe later but for now, we can just take it slow" Shane said going up to Ilya to take his shirt off.
"Don't tease me Hollander"
"Ilya, just let me pamper my husband who has been in a low sad mood today. Its the least I can do"
"Okay" Ilya dropped the act and his face melted into a look of pure love and relaxed.
Shane slowly undressed Ilya, kissing him, not sexually but purely, trying to release the tension Ilya was holding in his body today.
When he was fully undressed, Ilya got in the tub, and Shane wasn't to far behind him. Their tub was big enough that they could both fit. Comfortable? Debatable but they could fit nonetheless. It wasn't to bad this time because Shane was the one uncomfortable but he wasn't going to complain like Ilya would have if the roles were reversed.
Shane massaged Ilya's feet and grazed up his legs. They just sat in the silence, Shane wanted to see if Ilya would talk first, maybe open up about what's on his mind this time. Shane knew Ilya, all of him and he knew there were a few things that put Ilya in this type of mood, he never pressed just made sure Ilya knew how much he was loved. How much Shane loved him. Ilya never did and Shane didn't press it. So Shane kept to washing Ilya with the bubbles that were in the water.
After the bath, and because Shane is how he is, they stepped into the shower to properly wash off. And just like the bath, Shane washed Ilya slowly taking his time showering Ilya in praise. "You're so strong Ilya","I love you so much", "You're my other half" and "You're so impressive to watch on the ice and you make me a better player just watching you." Shane watched the tension release little by little under his touch.
Shane turned the shower off after he rinsed them both off of the soap. He got Ilya dry head to toe and quickly dried himself off. Once he was in the room, he was picking Ilya's clothes to help him dress himself.
"Shane, I'm not a baby. I can dress myself" Ilya said rolling his eyes sitting on the corner of the bed.
"No your not a baby, but you're my baby and I want to help you" Shane said as he pulled out his and Ilya's clothes. He only grabbed Ilya underwear and shorts because he knew Ilya would be to hot for a shirt. He tossed them to Ilya who put them on himself.
"See not a baby" Ilya said waving his arm over his legs as to show that he can do it himself.
"Okay fine, you're not a baby but I just wanted you to rest. I want to be there for you" Shane said now crawling on the bed up to his pillows, he too only wearing shorts.
When he reached his pillow he leaned back to them. "Come here Ilya" Shane said patting his chest and within seconds Ilya had moved up the bed and put his head on Shane's chest. Shane ran his hands down Ilya's hair and back rubbing his softly and scratching his back.
Ilya soon began to cry. Not for any reason in particular but just overwhelmed. He had his head on the chest of the man he loved so dearly. He was home, safe, comforted. He was able to be himself with Shane and he didn't have to hide who he was or what he felt around him. He hated how he couldn't always be strong and he let the depression win. But with Shane, he could fall and he would be there to pick him up.
"I love you" Ilya said through sobs.
Shane picked his head up and kissed him hard and passionately. "Never as much as I love you"
They just held eye contact for a few seconds and Ilya gave up and put his head into the crook of Shane's neck. He smelt the expensive seaweed shampoo Shane used and a wave of comfort and a sense of home crashed over him. He gave up, put all of his weight over Shane and stayed there.
A while later Ilya stopped crying and now Shane didn't know if he was sleeping or not, but who cared. He continued to run his hands down his back and through his hair. Kissing the top of his head every now and then. Even though his husband was depressed, Shane was awfully happy, not in some sick and twisted way, but because he was able to comfort him and openly love him. Sometimes Shane took for granted the married life but in times like this, Shane remembered how they had to hide. Even in the very beginning they hid from one another but now they were open. Fully open and in love. This is exactly where Shane wanted to be. Loving his man fully for exactly who he was, not just the little glimpses of each other they saw once in a blue moon.
Ilya woke up in the middle of the night, his face tight from how many tears he shed. He looked around and Anya was sleeping at the bottom of the bed and Shane was asleep under him. Ilya got a warm sensation in his chest and put his head back down on Shane's chest. Ilya hadn't felt so perfectly placed as had this big of a sense of beloning since his mom was passed. Ilya fell back asleep shortly after and was at peace with the smell of his husband filling his airways and the warmth of his skin cozied under him.