Work Text:
『バルス』
Sometimes Subaru has bad days.
In this world, where trouble seems to find its way to him over and over, simply getting to see tomorrow can be a challenge.
And… he's okay with that, mostly. This road upon which he's trudging may be painful, exhausting, soul-crushing even, but it is this same road that allows him to save the people he cares about. So sometimes having bad days as a result is worth it, he thinks.
Fortunately for him, today wasn't one of those days. In fact, it was quite the opposite.
It was his birthday! A day full of laughs and joy. His friends, and Beako in particular, made sure of it.
“...Seriously, my Beako is too adorable.”
Her relentless efforts to keep him away from the preparations were painfully obvious, but she was far too cute for Subaru to not feign ignorance anyway. Besides, he got his sweet payback for it when he left her to deal with the ramblings of a very drunk Emilia on her own.
He wouldn't normally subject Beatrice to a punishment like this, but Subaru knew from that fateful day that his heart couldn't handle Emilia when she was sloshed like that.
That, and the memories brought back from recalling that day, are the reasons why he's now on this balcony, leaning against the railings, focusing on the stars in the sky to take his mind off everything.
“There you are.”
“...Good evening, Nee-sama.”
Turning his head, Subaru's eyes meet Ram's almond shaped ones. In response to his casual greeting, Ram makes a “tch” sound, and says,
“To play it off cool after suddenly disappearing, Barusu's got some nerve.”
“Um, you see…..”
“What happened to ‘getting blotto, pun intended!’ with that merchant?”
“That was just a joke! I only drank a glass because it was a special occasion!”
Subaru shrieks, trying to defend himself from the maid's inquisitions. Truth be told, even though the laws in Lugunica allow him to consume alcohol, he avoids it. Partly because he doesn't like the taste, and partly because he is afraid he'd have a slip of the tongue and trigger the taboo for 『Return by Death』.
Ram's passive expression remains the same as she stands utterly unimpressed with that explanation. She puts a hand on her hips as she makes her next remark,
“Still, that doesn't change the fact that you left poor Frederica to deal with that mess of a man after urging him on. Ram is impressed with how shameful you can be.”
“Agh, I can't even deny that…!”
He hangs his head after he fails to come up with a rebuttal. Because of the nature of the celebration, Subaru had lost himself in the hype and encouraged Otto to drink with him towards the end.
Of course, he realized how bad of an idea that was when he picked up the wine glass and felt the cold wrap itself around his fingers, so he didn't end up drinking more than a glass. But the fire within him that got extinguished lived on within his friend, and he went on to break his record before eventually passing out.
“I'll apologize to Frederica properly later. Otto too.”
Subaru sighs. He should have been more careful from the start. It was a good thing that Ram made him realize how much he'd been trapped inside his own head.
Right, Ram made him realize.
“Putting that aside, why is Ram here? I mean, I know I messed up, but the scolding could have waited, and you're not the type of person to seek me out usually.”
It is an honest question that Subaru cannot find the answer to even if he ponders. So, it makes sense for him to simply ask. It makes sense, but life doesn't happen to be a game where you press a button and get clear-cut answers, since Ram just taps her foot to the ground and glares at him. This in turn worries Subaru greatly, wondering if he's guilty of more crimes. And it doesn't help when she folds her arms as well.
“——what? Do you see something that you don't like?”
“Barusu’s face.”
“Are you telling me that you haven't gotten used to it even with all the time that's passed?! I would say embrace its unique charm already but that's a pointless endeavor, isn't it?”
“Ram isn't aware of this supposed charm you're talking about.”
The back and forth teasing eases the tension a little. Subaru wonders if they will reach normalcy from here till——
“Let Ram reverse that question. Why is Barusu here?”
“Me?”
Not expecting to be put on the spot like this, Subaru finds himself in an uncomfortable position. He considers what to say for a moment, then responds with a slight smile while scratching his cheek.
“I guess there isn't any serious reason. I just wanted to get some fresh air for a bit.”
That should've been a sufficient answer in Subaru's eyes, but instead her face just gets more wrinkly as she says,
“Don't try to deceive Ram.”
“——Huh?”
A confused sound is all Subaru can make before she pries further.
“You claim to be just grabbing some air, but I don't see the reason why you had to ditch Beatrice-sama for it.”
“That's….”
Ram gestures with her hand for him to let her finish before he can respond. Subaru unhappily obliges.
“You've also distanced yourself from Emilia-sama despite being her lapdog, on your most special day. That's not natural Barusu behavior.”
Subaru gets mildly annoyed at being compared to a dog, but he wouldn't mind entertaining the idea of being in Emilia-tan's possession. He also wonders if Ram keeps a manual in her head defining his ‘natural behavior.’ Nevertheless, he can't find it in himself to respond.
“I don't need to think deeply about it to understand. But even if I didn't, Barusu's pathetic excuse of a smile that says ‘Everything is fine' is enough to convince Ram that he's anything but.”
“...”
Subaru grips the railings more tightly. Ram's insight when it comes to seeing through people is not something to make light of. He lets out the sigh he was holding before fidgeting with one of the locks of his hair.
“Nee-sama is impossible to fool, isn't she?”
“Hmph. Ram doesn't know what's more insulting than Barusu thinking he could.”
Seeing that slight pout, the forced smile on Subaru's face gives way to a genuine, albeit sad one. He takes a big breath before saying,
“Alright, I don't know how I'm feeling exactly either, but I'll try to put it into words as best as I can.”
That is the least he owes her, considering the topic at hand. Ram stays silent, her eyes telling him to continue.
“I was thinking about Rem.”
“——”
The comatose resident of the mansion. Former head maid of the Mathers estate. The one who took up a significant space in Subaru's heart. Those were all true statements if you asked Subaru to describe the person called Rem.
Ram's eyes widen. Subaru knows it is an especially sensitive topic for her, so he tries to pick his next words carefully.
“She's an amazing person, just like you, Ram. I just wish she could've been here today.”
Pain and regret tinge Subaru's voice. Rem had been left exposed to her name and memories being devoured, causing her to be remembered by no one except him.
“I promised that I would bring her back, but… what the hell did I accomplish towards that goal till now!?”
Even though he should've been careful with his words, Subaru's pessimism is quick to replace that resolve.
He grabs the side of his head, and pulls at his hair.
“Every single day, I wake up and I train. I push myself to my limits, but the hell does that do? Gluttony is still nowhere to be found. Aren't I just doing the things I do to be able to say that I'm contributing to something? That I'm not completely hopeless yet?”
He had been ignorant. He had been pretending everything was alright. After his life returned to its casual rhythm, he realized the true nature of his being.
Natsuki Subaru was simply a weak individual. He was no match for the likes of Reinhard or Julius. Without the circumstances that allowed him to 『Return by Death』, he couldn't sacrifice himself.
And without sacrifice, he cannot affect anything.
“That’s why I couldn't visit her today. I didn't have the face to do so.”
What could he have said to her if he did visit? “Sorry. Your hero still can't save you yet. But besides that, we had so much fun today?” To Subaru, that was just hypocrisy.
“——”
A second passes. A faint breeze sweeps through Ram's hair. Subaru tries to find some clue as to what is going on inside her head, but he comes across no visible emotion in her eyes.
That irritates him. Her not caring about him is fine. But he cannot tolerate the same about Rem, especially after getting to witness the strong bond between the two.
Just as he was about to question her indifference, she sighs.
“Barusu really is a fool.”
These are the words Ram says to Subaru while pointing a finger at him. His brows furrow, his hands start feeling cold.
“Yeah? Why don't you tell me something I don't know?!”
“Barusu is a fool. A fool I can depend on, when it counts.”
“—hk!”
Subaru clenches his teeth as she surprises him with that last admission.
“It truly was unfortunate that Ram's sister fell victim to those beasts. I feel something astir in my heart whenever I see her sleeping figure.”
Anger towards the Witch Cult emanates from Ram, forming an overwhelming sense of presence, worthy of a true oni, Subaru thinks. That aura, however, vanishes when she blinks.
“It upsets me that you can remember her while I can't. Feeling inferior to Barusu is truly the worst of the worst.”
Subaru knows that's not true. Ram is one of the few people who will surely always be above him. It's not true, so he needs to correct her.
“Ram——”
“But, Ram is also glad. Because if you didn't, I wouldn't have a chance to make them return what's mine.”
“Make them…”
“We’ll exterminate Gluttony so rigorously that Od Laguna will doubt whether he ever existed. A death so ironic is what befits him.”
This is Ram's undeniable resolve, yet Subaru cannot wrap his head around it. How can she be so assured of victory? He tries to find the source of that confidence, to no avail. Alas, he has to ask.
“How? How can you be so sure? That such an outcome is guaranteed? That there's absolutely no other path forward?”
“Let's see…”
Upon that question, she brings a finger to her lips, pretending to be in thought. She then shows a smug smile as if the answer were obvious.
“Simple. Because Barusu said so.”
“——”
“Your days might be mundane for now, but when the opportunity comes, Barusu is a man with impeccable timing. That's why Ram refuses to let you doubt yourself. After all—”
She makes a V sign with her hand, shoving it in Subaru's face, startling him in the process.
“—Ram believes in the future Barusu believes in. So it wouldn't do her any good if you lost faith now.”
“——!”
After hearing that declaration, Subaru's mind goes blank. He realizes that her confidence was coming from Subaru himself. That was what Ram had shown him, complete faith in his capabilities. His palms start getting sweaty. He feels nauseous.
“That kind of trust… I can't accept it.”
It is one thing for Subaru to have that resolve himself. It is something else entirely to have Ram's expectations on top of it. The weight of it is enough to crush Subaru.
Ram takes her hand back. The smug smile is still there. She shrugs as she says,
“So you say, but I'm afraid that's not something Barusu can decide. Ram's conviction isn't something that can change, it simply is.”
'A culmination of everything that's happened these past few months’ is what he thinks she left unsaid. Subaru glares at that response, and Ram glares right back. They glare at each other so intensely that it might have been the greatest staring contest in all of Lugunican history.
Nevertheless, there has to be a winner.
“——Haaaaah!”
Subaru finally forces a breath down his throat and his stomach expands slightly. He leans his back onto the railings and stares upwards at the sky.
“Nee-sama is not playing fair at all…”
Her sharp eyes know no bounds. Subaru's self-loathing cannot hope to compete.
“You won't find solace by looking at the stars, Barusu. Here.”
Not getting what she meant, Subaru looks down to see Ram holding something at his face. Before he can question what she is doing, there is the sound of a rubber snapping, and white confetti comes rushing toward him.
“Well, there's not enough to cover Barusu's visage entirely, but it'll have to make do.”
He picks up a scrap of paper from his hair and looks at it. It is a perfect cut, so unlike his own attempts. Magic? He doesn't know, but he does know one thing:
“...At least it's not sticking to my face this time.”
“I took mercy on you for today, be eternally grateful to Ram.”
Subaru doesn't reply. Instead, he smiles and says,
“Thank you, Nee-sama.”
The smile is contagious, as it spreads to Ram.
“——”
“——”
“——”
“——”
“Barusu looks like a ridiculous paper monster.”
“I thought we were having a heartfelt moment here, but you were just making fun of me?!”
Ram ignores his cry of betrayal, and turns around while beckoning to him with her hand.
“Let's go.”
Subaru gets confused about where she's headed, so he asks “Where to?” And to that, she turns her head and replies,
“Where else? To Rem's room, of course.”
“Rem…”
Subaru hesitates for a moment.
“Okay.”
The wind picks up, blowing the remaining scraps of paper away. Subaru briefly wonders where they will eventually end up, before following Ram.
↓
『ラム』
“It was difficult to get through his thick head, but that's just what you expect when it comes to Barusu.”
“I wouldn't have expected you to show kindness to him so earnestly. Perhaps you had a change of heaaaaart?”
Night has fallen by the time Roswaal and Ram finish their daily healing in the top-floor office. With that matter still lingering in their thoughts, they reflect on the day.
Seated in his chair, Roswaal holds Ram lightly on his lap. Her slender frame rests against his firm chest as she looks up at him and says,
“Don’t misunderstand, Roswaal-sama. Barusu is still reckless, annoying, and a huge buffoon. He certainly won't be improving on that front ever.”
To that, Roswaal closes one of his eyes. With his blue eye, he stares at her and smiles,
“If you say that, then I won't doubt you on your word. But still...”
He tilts his head, making sure light pink meets blue.
“If those were his only qualities in your eyes, then there would be no reason for you to show such care tonight. Isn't that riiiight?”
“——Roswaal-sama’s perceptive as expected.”
“Oh my, you flatter me.”
She pouts. Once again, she suffers utter defeat when facing against her master.
“Everything I said about Barusu is true. However—”
So that's why she feels there is no choice but to reveal her true feelings.
“He is also Ram's hopeless little brother, so it can't be helped.”
Roswaal's smile only deepens as a single scrap of paper flies in through the window, and makes its way to his desk.
And, like this, Natsuki Subaru's birthday winds to an end.