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Phil woke up with a dry mouth and a racing heart. Before he opened his eyes, he had a strange moment of not being quite sure where he even was, but as soon as he blinked, he recognised his bedroom. He was enveloped by familiar scents, and the sight of his partner, still asleep next to him, calmed him down somewhat.
Still, his hands felt clammy, and his heart was still beating faster than normal. He needed water, but the glass on his bedside table was empty. So he decided to get up and get some water from the bathroom. Just get up and get some water. Just. Get. Up.
Phil took several deep breaths to remind his body how to move and decidedly swung his legs over the bedside. Maybe a bit too decidedly, because Dan stirred on his side of the bed, but he didn’t quite wake up yet.
When he had made it to the bathroom and looked into his own face in the mirror, he suddenly remembered the meeting. Oh shit, that was today. He had been dreading the meeting for weeks now, and today was the day. No wonder he was feeling so anxious. And, like a fool, he had scheduled it for late afternoon, so he could have all day to prepare. Phil knew immediately that there wouldn’t be any last-minute preparations. Just last-minute panic.
He heard footsteps behind him, and despite knowing that it could only be Dan, he startled. Dan didn’t notice. He crept up behind him, slung his arms around Phil’s waist and sleepily rested his head on his shoulder.
“You’re up early,” Dan mumbled.
“Am I? I didn’t check the time yet,” Phil replied.
“It’s not even eight, and I thought your meeting wasn’t until five?”
“Yeah, you’re right. I just couldn’t sleep anymore, I guess.”
“How are you feeling?” Dan gently spun him around so he could look in Phil’s eyes, not just in the mirror. While their faces were close together, he pressed a quick kiss to his lips. Phil let himself relax into it, but then broke away, sighing.
“I don’t know. Anxious, I guess?”
“That’s okay. But I promise you, you’ll be fine.”
“I know, it’s just - ugh”
“I know, baby. What do you want to do until then?”
“Can you please decide for me? I already feel overwhelmed.”
“Alright, let’s get out of the bathroom first.”
Dan led Phil to the living room and installed him on the sofa there, while he went to fix them breakfast and coffee. Decaf, of course, so as not to make Phil even more anxious. When he came back, Phil was sitting still as a statue, almost rigid.
“Phil? You okay?”
When Phil didn’t respond, Dan rushed to his side, almost dropping both of their cereal and coffee he was holding. He managed to put his cargo on the table - maybe he should have made it two trips, but who cares now?
“Phil?”
When he leaned down to see his face, Dan could see that Phil was crying. His Phil, who never cried, not even at the saddest movies.
“Oh, baby, it’s alright,” Dan said, wrapping Phil in his arms.
Phil could feel his chest getting tight. It was like his silent tears were choking him. He hiccuped quietly and made an effort to make a noise, both to let his feelings out and let Dan know he was still breathing. Breathing. Good idea, actually. He tried to breathe, and suddenly found he couldn’t. His chest was too constricted, his throat too clogged up with unspilled tears. Oh God. Was this just a panic attack, or was he actually having a heart attack or something? Phil tried to remember the symptoms of a heart attack. Tight chest, surely. Difficulty breathing. Pain. Was he having pain? Now that he thought about it, his chest did kind of hurt. He was having a heart attack for sure! And this was when all conscious thought left him. He was going to die, and there was nothing he could do about it.
Dan, meanwhile, had slid down to the floor in front of Phil, not wanting to overwhelm him with the immediacy of his presence. But he did take hold of Phil’s wrists and squeezed them gently, rhythmically, hoping to give Phil a rhythm to breathe with. It wasn’t working.
Phil’s breathing just became more hectic, almost hyperventilating, and Dan was beginning to get worried. What if this was not just a panic attack? But he had to stay calm, had to be the level-headed one in this situation. It was probably just a panic attack. No need to call an ambulance. They could handle this. If only he could get through to Phil.
Dan began talking to him then, low, soothing words, not meant to convey anything beyond calm. And suddenly, some fog over Phil’s ears lifted slightly, and he could hear Dan’s voice over the furious beating of his heart. Dan sensed this and put some more emphasis on what he was saying instead of just saying words.
“Philly? Are you in there? Can you do me a favour and breathe with me?”
Phil blinked rapidly, his fingers clawing where his hands rested, strained on his thighs. He could feel Dan’s hands around his wrists, noticed their pattern of squeeze and release and tried to match his breathing to their rhythm.
“You’re doing so well for me, baby, just keep breathing.”
Dan, still kneeling in front of Phil, pressed gentle kisses to his hands and arms, grounding touches that were meant to help Phil stay present. Finally, Phil’s breathing slowed down and became more regular. He also seemed conscious and back in their shared reality again.
When Dan was sure the attack was over, he got up and sat down next to his boyfriend, questioningly putting his arm around Phil’s shoulders. Phil responded by collapsing into the hug and ending up with his head in Dan’s lap. Dan never stopped touching him, stroking his back, mussing his hair, kissing his shoulder.
“Dan?” Phil said, finally and between weak sobs, “do you think I’m going to die?”
“No, baby, I think you just had a pretty bad panic attack, and that must be so scary. But you’re here, you’re safe with me, and you’re not going to die, okay?”
“Okay,” Phil said in a small voice.
Dan made him eat his cereal and drink his lukewarm decaf eventually, put on an episode of Buffy and let Phil rest in his lap until he felt like he could breathe normally again, until they were both sure Phil wasn’t going to die. The morning passed this way, with Phil curled up in Dan’s lap and intermittent sobbing.
At noon, Dan suggested they order some food. Phil just shrugged.
“You don’t want food? We can get whatever you want,” Dan said, suddenly insecure.
Tears welled up in Phil’s eyes again. “I just don’t know what I want. Everything is just – too much!”
“Shh, it’s okay,” Dan said, “how about I just make the executive decision to order food and you’ll surely feel a bit better once you eat it?”
The question didn’t seem to be one of those that expected an answer, so Phil didn’t give one, he just buried his face in Dan’s thigh, shutting out the world again. Dan had meanwhile gotten out his phone and was scrolling on the food delievery app.
Phil did feel a little better after eating the salad lovingly transferred by his partner, and they were able to pass the afternoon in an almost normal way, Dan even getting some editing done, although balancing the laptop was a challenge with Phil’s head still in his lap.
At some point, Dan wasn’t sure if Phil had fallen asleep, since he hadn’t moved or spoken in almost half an hour.
“Philly? You awake?” he whispered, stroking his hair.
“Hm? Yeah?” Phil murmured, not quite sure himself if he was awake or not.
“You should get ready for your meeting soon, I think,” Dan said. He kept his voice low and soothing, but even so, the tension immediatly returned to Phil’s body. The always-present shaking of his hands intensified. Dan was immediately there to steady them by taking Phil’s hands between his own.
“It’s okay, you can do this, I believe in you. And no matter how it turns out, I will be here when it’s over, alright?”
Phil rubbed his eyes, gathered his limbs and arranged them in a way that allowed him to get up. He pressed a kiss to Dan’s lips, and then made his way to the study. He didn’t see the encouraging smile Dan sent after him, but he could feel it.
Phil did not feel like he could do this. He wanted to run and hide and never think about the meeting again. But he was as ready as he was ever going to be, and he knew Dan was just one room over, waiting for him and rooting for him. Phil took a deep breath, put on his headphones and accepted the call.