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The first time Yeni took a girl home from the bar should have ended with them naked in her bedroom.
Or at least that's what she thought.
Instead, it ended with cookies in the oven and a new, blossoming friendship.
She remembered the night all too well. When the alarms in her brain began ringing the second the girl's hands traveled a little too far south for her liking. The night when, with a shaky breath and even shakier hands, Yeni stopped the girl's delicate, soft fingers from unbuttoning her jeans and continuing further down.
She would call that night the beginning.
The journey wasn't quite so quick. She couldn't have known what it was at that time. It took her months of questioning and overthinking everything she thought she knew about herself to understand what that night meant. Months of turning and tossing in her bed to feel comfortable with her own sexuality — or rather, asexuality.
Being a lesbian who craved romance and accepting that she was also asexual was more difficult than she thought.
Though, at first, she wasn't too sure about the label asexual. It was too much for someone who knew so little of herself. It made her feel like she was lying to herself, that she just hadn't found the right person yet to enjoy such intimacy with. It was the long nights of research, hunched over her laptop reading about other people's experiences, that she understood her doubts were all bullshit.
Still, it took her some time to come to terms with it.
Surprisingly enough, the girl from that night — Hyunjin, Yeni learned later — took the rejection well.
At first she questioned it — anyone in their sane mind would. Big, brown eyes that could pierce through souls looked back at Yeni far too gently. Patient. Waiting for an answer Yeni didn't know she had. Lips puffy and bright red from all the kissing they'd partaken in seconds prior, eyebrows raised in slight confusion.
"Are you okay? Was it something I did?" Hyunjin had asked, concern dripping from her voice like soft honey as her eyes examined Yeni for any discomfort.
She was sweet, and it was a valid question. They were tipsy, had made out under the neon lights of the dancefloor and again by the door inside Yeni's apartment; she was looking for a hookup, after all.
And here Yeni was, spiraling out of her mind in front of a pretty girl.
"No!" Yeni quickly answered. "I mean, yes, I'm fine. You didn't do anything wrong. You're perfect and so gorgeous, truly," she was rambling. "I just… I'm sorry," she sighed at last, head thumping against the door she was pressed against, squeezing her eyes shut.
Was there something wrong with her?
"What are you apologizing for?" Hyunjin had asked, her gentle voice making Yeni open her eyes and face the reality of the situation.
"This was probably not how you expected your night to go.
A giggle startled her running mind. "It's okay, Yeni, is it?" Yeni nodded in affirmation. "Don't stress, it happens to the best of us. Do you want me to go?"
There was a short pause as Yeni mulled it over. In the few hours she got to know her, she could confidently say she didn't mind Hyunjin's company. Hyunjin was a lovely girl. A bit silly, but she carried herself around with a confidence that Yeni found admirable.
Yeni wanted her to stay, just to have some fun company around. She just didn't want her to feel pressured to stay.
When she spoke again, her voice was less shaky than before, more confident, "You can stay, if you want. It's late, and I um… brought you all the way here, so. I could bake cookies? Put on a shitty movie and call it a night?"
And with nothing but kindness and understanding in Hyunjin's gaze, she removed her hands from Yeni completely and took a step back. "That sounds nice, Yeni."
And as they ate the fresh-out-the-oven cookies, they quickly came to an agreement that they were better off as friends.
There was no awkwardness as they settled down on Yeni's couch to watch the movie. No forced smiles or fake laughter that indicated they were uncomfortable, just two girls enjoying their failed-hookup that turned into a night full of laughter and memories that would stay with them forever.
A week later, Hyunjin introduced Yeni to her group of friends. Some from her dance class — Minhee, Lixie, and Seungmin, who Yeni actually had one class with. The others were all music students Yeni had seen in passing by a couple of times — Changbin and Chris.
Hyunjin used the cookies and crappy movie story to throw them all into a giggling fit — it made for a funny, entertaining first meeting story, after all. The light teasing from everyone made Yeni shy at first, but she found herself giggling at Hyunjin's storytelling skills and the chaotic nature of her friends.
That's how Yeni met her. The loud, funny girl who resembled a cute hamster and made Yeni's days feel like sunshine and rainbows. The girl who dressed like a rockstar and wore her headphones the twenty four hours of the seven days.
Jisu.
She became Yeni's best friend in the blink of an eye. Wormed her way into Yeni's heart without a second thought. Jisu's shyness around someone new quickly turned into funny jokes that had Yeni screeching, laughing uncontrollably at them. (Even if the jokes werent that funny.)
Their friendship came as a surprise to everyone but them — no one really expected the shy, quiet girl to befriend the loud, cheerful one. But like two magnets, they glued themselves to each other since the first day they met.
⋆☆⋆
"Yeni! Let me win!" Jisu's voice was louder than it needed to be at two in the morning.
They were sprawled across the living room in Yeni's apartment. Playing an intense game of one-on-one Mario Kart that had Jisu screaming while Yeni tried to find the perfect time to throw her red shell at first place.
"If I let you win, what do I get?" She teased, yelling in victory when her shell landed perfectly on the opponent's car.
Jisu mulled it over, quietly getting to second place, right behind Yeni. Though Yeni didn't need to hear it to know what Jisu wanted.
"A kiss," Jisu said confidently, confirming Yeni's suspicions. The older pursed her lips, making loud kissing noises just to rile Yeni up.
That's how their days went most of the time. Yeni would tease Jisu, and Jisu would try to kiss her in return.
It left a bittersweet taste in her mouth. The kind that lingered long after the joke was over, squeezing tight around her chest.
Yeni trusted Jisu with everything — even the parts of herself it took her months to understand. Jisu was the first person she felt comfortable enough to disclose her sexuality, to talk about things Yeni had never thought of telling people before.
That night, after spending what felt like hours pouring her heart out, Yeni had felt Jisu's reassuring fingers running gently through her hair. She felt like a petal in her best friend's hands, melting right into the touch. Jisu had said she was proud of her, thanked her for trusting her with something so private, so precious. It was all Yeni needed. The comfort of her best friend's arms, her warmth, her trust.
Then Jisu's hand froze mid air. "Does it make you uncomfortable? That I always try to kiss you?"
The bittersweet feeling came in the way Yeni longed for that kiss.
Even when she knew she couldn't have Jisu the way she wanted her.
"Not at all." She smiled gently at Jisu. "I know it's a game, so it doesn't bother me," she explained, heart clenching at the word game. That was all it was at the end of the day, wasn't it? "But even if it wasn't, kissing is still something I like to do. It's… you know… the sex part that I don't feel very comfortable with."
Jisu had hummed, nodding in understanding. "I understand," she said, before smirking playfully, pursing her lips to give Yeni's cheek a loud, obnoxious kiss.
That was the only time Yeni had let herself welcome her kiss. Otherwise, she didn't know if her heart could survive her best friend's kisses without combusting.
So, the safest option was to always pull back. Reject. Reject. Reject.
"Get off me!" She joked, back to the present and away from her thoughts. She moved her face away from Jisu's awaiting lips with a playful scowl, her fingers moving on the control as she continued the last stretch of the third — and final — lap. "You're disgusting."
"Come on! Just one kiss," Jisu pleaded, pouting in a way that made Yeni's insides twist. Her eyes resembled that of a cute bug.
Yeni's cute bug.
"You already got your one kiss that one time," Yeni argued.
"That didn't count! I was comforting you."
"Oh my god! Just accept the kiss so she stops whining!" They jump at the new — or rather, forgotten — voice.
Hyunjin's voice.
Right. Their friends. They were so lost in their own little world that they forgot the other six people around them. When Yeni looked around, all six of them were wearing the same kind of smirk on their faces, looking back and forth between Jisu, Yeni, and the TV.
"I'm not whining." Jisu sulked beside her.
Yeni swallowed, almost choking with her own saliva in the process, the sudden attention making her flush. "Right. Um. If you manage to get to first place, I'll let you kiss me."
There were whistles and hoots as the rest of their friends heard the proposition. They sounded like frat boys at a house party, except they weren't all boys, and none of them were drinking deadly amounts of alcohol to make them this loud.
Yeni's cheeks burned in slight embarrassment, making eye contact with Minhee, who was holding a sleepy Lixie in her arms. Minhee only wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, but Yeni knew what she meant instantly. She found herself laughing at the absurdity of the situation.
Who would've thought her friends were a bunch of perverts who wanted to see their friends kissing?
However, as she looked back at the game and the No. 1 in her side of the screen, she wasn't going to let Jisu win that easily.
⋆☆⋆
Jisu won.
Fair and square.
"Pucker up, buttercup!" Seungmin teased, snickering with Chan and Changbin as they ate some snacks from Yeni's fridge.
Yeni sent him a murderous glare. "If you call me buttercup one last time I will leave you starving the next time you come to my house."
The smile dropped from Seungmin's face in a matter of two seconds. "That's mean."
The room exploded in laughter, knowing Yeni was only messing with the boy.
When Yeni turned again, her smile wavered.
There Jisu was, wearing a smug smile that softened the second her eyes found Yeni's. Something gentler flickered there, something Yeni couldn't quite understand.
The cheers around them blurred into background noise in Yeni's mind. The room felt hot. Heat crawled up Yeni’s neck as Jisu leaned closer, slow and certain, as if she knew what she wanted all along. Yeni was well aware of all her limbs by this point, feeling her knee brushing against Jisu's thigh when the older came close. Close enough that Yeni could feel her breath.
Everyone was watching them.
And suddenly, it all felt wrong. She didn’t want it to be this way.
For a second, they just looked at each other. Jisu must have sensed the shift in her eyes, the hesitation in her following breaths. The way Yeni’s lips parted but didn’t move. Because just as their noses nearly brushed, Jisu smiled softly and pulled back, looking around with a huff of breath.
"Sorry to disappoint, but you guys won't be getting a private show from us for free. Stop being perverts and come play with the winner!"
Yeni felt the breath she didn't know she was holding leave her body in relief. She settled back into the couch as Changbin grabbed the Wii control to play against Jisu. Smiled as she heard Changbin murmur something about beating Jisu's ass in the Rainbow Road and let the chaos of her friends distract her from her racing heart.
⋆☆⋆
"Thank you." Yeni said the second they were alone in her room.
She was tired after a long, intense game night. It was four in the morning when she checked the clock, sighing against Jisu's shoulder where she was resting on the couch. They said their good night's to the others as they stayed in the living room for the night, Yeni dragging Jisu to her room as always. She wanted her best friend with her, sue her.
"For what?" Jisu asked, settling down on the middle of the bed.
"For saving me back there."
Yeni changed into her pajamas, comfortable enough to do it in front of Jisu by now. They were best friends, anyway. She picked some old band shirt and sweatpants and threw them at Jisu for her to wear to sleep.
"I could see you weren't comfortable." Jisu shrugged, changing quickly into the clothes Yeni gave her. When she looked back at Yeni, she smiled mischievously. "But now… I do believe you owe me something."
"I don't know what you mean." Yeni played fool, knowing exactly what Jisu meant. She dragged her tired feet to her side of the bed, pulling the comforter back and sitting down underneath the covers, facing her best friend again.
Jisu hummed, looking at her. They were close, so close Yeni could reach for Jisu's pretty face without stretching. "I won, remember? And I haven't received my prize yet." Jisu patted her lips with her forefinger. Waiting.
Yeni rolled her eyes playfully. "If I remember correctly, you were the one who had to kiss me."
"Ah-hah! So you do remember."
"Shut up." Yeni threw a pillow at Jisu.
There was a gentle pause. Just two best friends dealing with the consequences of their Mario Kart bets. The look in Jisu's eyes was comforting, in a way. Yeni felt loved, understood. Even if it was for just that quiet moment in the privacy of her dim-lit room.
Yeni didn't know who leaned in first. Maybe they both gave in at the same time. It didn't matter. The only thing in her mind was how lovely the warm light of her night stand lamp made Jisu's soft features look — gold gathering along her cheeks, painting her rosy lips into something unreal.
Their lips touched, and for a moment, Yeni melted into the warmth of it.
And then it hit her.
This wasn’t a joke, nor a game. This was real. All her fears of not being enough suddenly coming to the front of her mind full force.
What the hell was she doing?
She pulled back abruptly, hit with the realization of what she was about to do. Her head spun uncontrollably, heart beating faster than it was allowed.
"We can't," she whispered brokenly, panicking in her own mind. She moved away from Jisu's hold as if it burned. Embarrassed for letting her impulses win this time.
Afraid that if she didn't let go, she'd want to get closer.
"Why not?" Jisu whispered, confused.
"You don't want me like that," Yeni told her, voice cracking in the last syllable. Her eyes were closed, forehead pressed to her knees in an attempt to hide.
"Eh? You think I don't—" Jisu's giggles were like sweet melodies to Yeni's ears, her heart betraying her own mind. Yeni heard some shuffling around. Felt the warmth and comfort of another body settling next to her, but never touching her — someone she thought wouldn't love her like she wanted to be loved. When Yeni looked up, confused, Jisu was smiling softly at her. "With all due respect, princess, that's not for you to decide."
Princess. Yeni's cheeks burned at the nickname. "But…"
"You don't know what I want, silly. But I can see you're holding something back, talk to me."
Yeni sighed, knowing this was a lost battle with the way Jisu cared so much.
The thing was, Yeni liked kissing. A lot. Maybe a little too much. She loved the warmth of it. The slow, synced waltz of lips meeting lips. The intimacy of being close with someone without feeling like she was expected to do more.
And that was the problem.
Because kissing was enough for her.
But was it enough for Jisu, too?
At last, she knew she needed to communicate her feelings. "I just… I don't want to hold you back."
Jisu looked at her as if she hung the moon and stars in the sky. "Hold me back for what, baby?"
"I-I don't want the same things you do, Ji. If we ever do this," she gestured between them, "I won't be able to give you everything."
"Yeni… is this about you being ace?"
Bluntness. That's something Yeni loved about Jisu. Leave it up to her to rip the bandage off so easily.
When Yeni nodded, Jisu smiled. "You know I don't care about that, right?"
"No?"
Jisu wiggled closer to her. "I mean, I obviously care because it's who you are, how you identify yourself, and that's important for you. But do you seriously think I would ever love you any less just because, what? We don't get physically intimate?"
Yeni's brain decided to ignore everything Jisu just said in order to focus on that one word. "You love me?"
"You have no idea." Jisu's voice came out airy, a whisper of love in between the chaos of Yeni's mind. "I adore you, baby."
"But what if I'm not enough?" Yeni whispered in the quiet of the night, feeling vulnerable under the weight of Jisu's gentle eyes. Reveling in the way Jisu's arm wrapped around her shoulders, fingers drawing soft patterns on her hair absentmindedly. If Yeni could purr right now, she's positive that she would. "You'll want sex one day and I'm not sure I'll ever… you know," she sighed.
"I don't want to do anything that you're not a hundred percent comfortable doing," Jisu reassured her, gentle but firm, tucking a finger under Yeni's chin to get her to look up. "I love you so, so much. With or without sex, because frankly, there are other ways to be intimate other than sex. I want you, and your silly laugh, and the way you complain when I try to kiss you…"
The room filled with giggles as the tension finally dissipated. They laughed at how silly it all was, then laughed again when they locked eyes, bellies hurting from doubling over. Yeni felt like a weight had been dropped from her shoulders, like it was easier to breathe now that she knew her love was reciprocated.
When they finally caught their breaths, Yeni asked, amusement barely hidden in her tone, "You really want that kiss, don't you?"
Jisu groaned softly, hiding her face on Yeni's neck. "More than anything."
"Then go on," Yeni gave her the green light. "Kiss me, please."
"You won't pull back this time?" Jisu joked.
Yeni smiled, softer now. “No,” she whispered.
Jisu didn't rush her, she never did. She just lifted her head slowly, giving Yeni every second to change her mind. Yeni was glad, as she was able to takes control. When their foreheads brushed, it felt like a silent question.
Yeni answered by closing the distance.
Their lips met gently, warming every inch of her body in seconds. It wasn't desperate, or demanding. Just warm in the way Jisu always was. It ignited something in Yeni, all the months of pining and yearning over her best friend crashing into her like—
Jisu made a happy noise in the back of her throat that melted all of Yeni's insides and spurred her into action.
A certain type of hunger washed over her in gentle waves, settling in her body in the form of chills and butterflies. It wasn't hunger for more than this. She was content with just kissing, with being held by Jisu.
This… warmth she felt, was a different kind of hunger. For closeness, maybe. There was a certain intimacy that came with having Jisu’s lips on her, exploring every detail of her before deepening the kiss.
It was such an intimate moment. A moment she had control over. Something she could decide.
Maybe she was hungry to hold onto this feeling of being wanted, needed. Loved. Specifically by Jisu. She knew Jisu wasn’t expecting anything from her. She wasn’t expecting this to escalate into more, to touch Yeni in places she didn’t feel comfortable with. She respected Yeni’s boundaries, and Yeni was thankful for that. (Even if it was the bare minimum.)
They lost track of time in each other, the world outside Yeni's bedroom forgotten. Replaced by their soft breathing and hushed giggles against each other's lips. Happy to have found a haven in each other. The sun peeked through Yeni's semi-closed curtains, casting them in a soft morning glow neither of them seemed to care about — too busy with each other to pay attention to the hour.
Their foreheads rested together when they finally pulled apart, both breathless and smiling. Jisu’s thumb brushed lazily over Yeni’s cheek, like she was memorizing her.
"I forgot to say it back, but I love you," Yeni whispered against red, shiny lips. "I always have."
Jisu smiled, wide and so breathtaking. Yeni pecked her lips again just because she could do that now.
"And I love you, princess."