Archive of Our Own ^beta

•───── ⋆ ♡ ⋆ ───── •

Suna Rintarou was always good at keeping things simple because it meant that nothing could break.

Volleyball, school, his composure, and Miya Osamu

Okay, maybe not the last one because recently Osamu did not make Rintarou’s life feel simple. It wasn’t Rintarou’s fault that everything was too complicated, not the fact that he couldn't help but notice every little thing Osamu did always lingered in his chest. It wasn’t Rintarou’s fault that Osamu’s voice suddenly sounded too warm, or how Osamu’s grey eyes looked just like smoke created from a spark of flame, or the way his shoulders looked broader when he leaned over the stove while cooking udon that made Rintarou’s chest twist tightly. Ignore the last part.

“Ya want one?” Osamu asked, his warm voice cutting through Rintarou’s stupidly embarrassing thoughts.

Osamu was holding a tangerine between his fingers, his other hand extended out, handing one piece of the tangerine to Rintarou. His silver hair shone under the sunlight as it hit the back of his head.

Rintarou didn’t say anything, he just reached his arm out to take that stupid piece of tangerine from supposedly hot looking Osamu. 

Their fingers brushed, a warm sensation that sent shivers down Rintarou’s spine, warmth bloomed in his chest as fast as how weed does during the spring. Rintarou just took the tangerine and turned away as quickly as he could to avoid any other physical touch that might occur. Rintarou stared out the window, his eyes fixing on the field where his classmates were running around and playing soccer like a bunch of ants carrying food back to their home.

Rintarou hears Osamu shift in his seat, humming quietly, “Yer real quiet today,” Osamu said.

Rintarou shrugged without looking back, “M’thinking.”

“‘Bout what?”

“Nothing.”

Osamu didn't push, which somehow made it worse, because Rintarou wasn’t used to that. He was used to voices that filled every inch and gap of the room, overcoming silence like it was unbearable, like something had to be fixed immediately.

He had grown up learning how to exist in the background of things, how to keep his thoughts tucked away into the back of his mind where nobody could reach them because expressing them feels like handing someone a weapon and hoping they wouldn't use it.

Rintarou sighs, forcing his face into something neutral looking as the bell rang and his classmates spilled into the room loud and careless, breaking the comfortable silence he had with Osamu.

The day flew by in a blur, classes flying by until the final bell rang. Rintarou was packing his bag almost on autopilot and was halfway out the school gates, his movements were slow and distracted like his mind was somewhere far, tangled up in a mess of thoughts. He embraced himself, ready to let the cold night air refresh his mind until Atsumu’s voice called out behind him, loud as always. 

“Sunarin!! C’mon over, Ma is making her special curry today,” He said as his lips formed into a tight smirk.

“I’m helpin’ her,” Osamu commented as his soft gaze landed on Rintarou.

Rintarou paused, breath fogging his view of the twins and Ginjima, as his fingers tightened on the strap of his bag. The thing is that Rintarou loves going to the twins' place, a little too much. It was the way their house felt so warm in ways his never did, not only in temperature but feeling too. The smell of the cooking, stove hood humming, sound of Atsumu bickering, overlapped voices, they were always loud, but not loud in the way that made Rintarou feel like he was being suffocated. That warm home always made him feel like he was welcomed, wanted, seen in ways he never expected to ever feel. That's why Rintraou absolutely loved hanging at the Miyas’ place, to feel the things he never could.

However today, his chest felt too full and overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings he couldn't ever explain even with words. The thought of Osamu in the kitchen, cooking for him like it wasn't even a bother. Rintarou didn't know what to do with being cared for like that. He exhaled slowly, staring down at the pavement, searching for the right excuse to turn them down.

He adjusted his grip on the strap of his bag, holding on tighter, “Ah.. sorry I can’t today, too much homework,” his eyes darted to his feet, avoiding eye contact.

“What? I can’t believe ya have homework and I don’t,” Atsumu teased, his voice a little too bright for Rintarou to handle.

Rintarou rolled his eyes, “Yeah. Okay, uhm. See you,” he muttered before walking off with a lazy wave, muting the noise outside as he plugged his airpods in which appeared to be dead so Rintarou just shoved them into his pocket.

The walk home was longer than it should’ve been. The streets were quieter than usual, his thoughts spiraled freely through the silence as the cold bit his ears. He reached his dorm building and walked through the hallway, lights flickering faintly and casting everything in a dull yellow colour. 

He unlocked the door and the silence was deafening.

More deafening than it should be, it's always been quiet, no voices, no smell of warm food, it was the familiar emptiness Rintarou was used to being met with every time he entered the building.

He slipped his shoes off and let his bag drop off near the entrance beside the little wooden cabinet and moved quietly through his dorm like a ghost and reached his room. His room was cold and empty since Rintarou never had anything important to bring from home after he got scouted. The day Rintarou had to leave Aichi made his heart hurt, his little sister wished him good luck, wiped her tears and hugged him. Rintarou felt terrible he had to leave her behind, Ritsuka is a good kid, hardworking, sweet, a little too mature for her age, probably because of the situation at home. 

Would he even call it a home at this point?

Aunt Yumiko placed her hand on Rintarou’s shoulder, “Good luck, stay safe Rintarou.” she said as he nodded and stepped onto the train, his eyes not leaving the sight of them. He watched his little sister and aunt through tinted windows, fogged up with his breath from the cold winter weather as the sight of them faded away. His thoughts faded away too.

Rintarou sat on the edge of his bed, staring down at his hands, before letting himself fall back onto the mattress with a soft exhale. He stared at the blank ceiling, hopefully giving an answer to his thoughts he didn’t even know how to turn into questions. He turned his face into his pillow and pulled it close, arms tightening around it as he tried to recreate the warmth he always desired. His throat burned, chest ached in ways he did not know how to explain, put into words, everything was just too complicated and that pissed him off. Rintarou squeezed the pillow tighter as he curled deeper into his bed, eyes shut, because he knew, only thing he knew, was how real he felt around Osamu, or how easily warmth seeped into him being at the Miyas made him feel relaxed, or happier. 

And that terrified Rintarou more than anything, because no matter how relaxed he felt meant wanting it more. 

Wanting something meant attachment.

And unfortunately, attachment meant risk.

Part of him wanted to run back and feel the warmth embrace him without thinking, but another part was already pulling away, he was scared of wanting something he didn’t know he deserved or not.

His eyes drooped as his thoughts dimmed away into the back of his head, not sure how long it would stay there, but at least his mind would stop working overtime and prevent it from overheating.

Hopefully, he wouldn’t have to face them again.

•───── ⋆ ♡ ⋆ ───── •

The day Rintarou stepped foot into the gym for tryouts, the air felt too loud and the ceiling was too high. He had planned to save his social battery and not talk to anyone, but little did he know this would be the day he finally was seen. Few names were exchanged, but a particular pair of faces stood out to Rintarou, Miya Atsumu and Osamu. 

Atsumu was loud, too loud. It's okay if someone just has a naturally loud voice, but Atsumu was another breed. He had blonde hair parted to the left complimented with his dark brown eyes and he bounced the ball against his fingers with perfect form. Beside him was Miya Osamu, same features, but he had a different energy radiating off him. He was more quiet, his grey hair was parted to the right, his posture was relaxed as he furrowed his bushy eyebrows. And underneath them were a pair of ashy grey eyes that flickered to meet Rintarous. 

Rintarou tried avoiding eye contact, lazily drifting across the court, when a voice cut through his thoughts. 

“Oi Samu- what’re ya lookin’ at??” He blinked, then walked towards Rintarou. Rintarou internally panicked and embraced himself to spend his social battery.

“Hey, are ya Suna Rintarou?” Atsumu asked, and grinned

Rintarou paused, ran his hand through his hair before he nodded.

“I thought so!” Atsumu snapped his fingers, “Yer in my class. Ya never talk!”

Rintarou stared at him, unsure what that was supposed to mean and if he was supposed to even answer.

“Ya  got yelled at for talkin’ too much yesterday.” Osamu snorted.

“Shut up!” Atsumu then turned back to Rintarou, undeterred, “So, ya play middle right?”

“...Yeah.” He managed to say.

“Nice!” Atsumu said immediately, “I play setter.” sounding a little too proud of himself

“...Yeah, I know. I saw you guys on monthly junior volleyball.” Rintarou muttered

Osamu stepped a little closer, “Yer not from here.” his voice calm

“Oh- uhm yeah. I was scouted from Aichi.” Rintarou nodded.

“Aichi?” Atsumu echoed, “That's far as hell dang.”

“That's kinda cool, not gonna lie.” Osamu said, impressed

Rintarou shrugged, suddenly very aware of the way they were both staring at him now.

Suddenly Atsumu said, “So like, were there really good players in Aichi?? Any good setters? Were ya the best one there? Ya miss it?? D’ya-”

“Atsumu,” The coach's voice cut through the gym, “Alright everyone! Tryouts are starting. Line up!”

The noise died down, sneakers squeaking as voices snapped into focus. Atsumu groaned under his breath but finally shut his mouth, jogging a few steps ahead with Osamu before turning back, “Don’t die Sunarin,” he called, “wouldn’t wanna lose our middle.” Rintarou blinked at him and the nickname before scoffing. Osamu lingered for a second before meeting his eyes, “ya would do fine.” he said simply, offering an easy smile. 

Something warm settled in Rintarou’s chest, catching him off guard. He nodded just once, as he turned towards the court. 

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

High school years had a way of sneaking by, days folding into the next as Rintarou found himself immersed in it. Every morning, he’d listen to Atsumu’s endless yapping, occasionally record them on the phone if he caught the twins doing something stupid, then maybe take a quick nap (it was not quick) during mathematics, and eat lunch with Osamu, Atsumu, Ginjima, and Kosaku. Rintarou had gotten used to this routine as it wrapped around him comfortably.

And there was the first time he was invited to the Miyas house. 

Rintarou tried refusing, wanting to refuse but something in him also wanted to go. He gave in as Atsumu dragged him along by the sleeve across the streets as Osamu chuckled lightly beside them. 

Stepping into the house felt like entering heaven, the warm scent of something savoury and sweet hit him. It felt as if it was a perfect Sunday morning as the wooden floors beneath his feet creaked in a way that made the house feel more alive. Voices and laughter overlapped and bounced off the walls, could have been overwhelming, but somehow it didn’t. Rintarou bowed and said quickly, “Sorry for the intrusion,” as he slipped his shoes off and watched Mama Miya appear out of the kitchen. She wiped her hands on her soft pink apron, her dark brown hair was pulled back in a messy bun, a few strands too short to be caught up framed her face. Her gaze felt warm as she approached Rintarou. “Oh! Ya must be Rintarou-kun,” she said as she cupped Rintarou’s face in her hands despite being way shorter than him. 

“The twins have been talkin’ about ya non stop!” she laughed, as she gestured to the kitchen smiling, “C’mon wash up first, dinners almost ready.” 

“Thank you…” Rintarou mumbled as he took a second to process what had just happened, he felt his chest loosen. He felt as if he was seen from just being there, his presence made him feel seen. And that felt weird.

Dinner was chaotic, but in a good way. The twins bickered and yapped about who knows what, as Rintarou took a bite from every dish Mama Miya had prepared. From living off convenience ramen and cheap microwave meals, he never realized how hungry he had been until he ate homemade food, maybe it's just food from the Miyas house. He scarfed down dinner, played video games with the twins on their couch, they were screaming, occasional “NO MOVE THERE” “STOP ATTACKING ME!”. They were loud but, as Rintarou mentioned before, it didn't make him feel like he was being suffocated.

Rintarou left with a belly stuffed with food, warm leftovers carefully packaged by Osamu, and a fat kiss on the forehead from Mama Miya that left him feeling impossibly warm. He could still smell the scent of the spring rolls on him as he walked home under the moonlight. But Rintarou smiled, just softly, he hadn’t felt like this in a while, and for the first time in a long time, the walk home didn’t feel so empty, as if he was carrying the warmth from their home back to his.

•───── ⋆ ♡ ⋆ ───── •

Rintarou woke up to his alarm in a cold sweat, the sound cutting through him like a knife. He usually doesn't wake up until the 6th alarm, but today his eyes snapped open, chest rising too fast, sheets were tangled around his legs. For a moment, he just laid there and stared at the ceiling 

However he pushed himself out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. The bathroom light was too bright when he flicked it on, he then propped his arms on the cold sink, head down as he let the freezing porcelain seep into him. His eyes bags grew deeper and darker, contrasting his pale face as he failed to avoid eye contact with himself across the mirror. He splashed water on his face and told himself it was just bad sleep.

While Rintarou was packing his bag, shoving everything in without thinking, pencil case tossed somewhere between notebooks and crumpled paper, the zipper was pulled shut without a care. 

Suddenly, he heard a loud pounding on his door 99% from Atsumu. 

“Sunarin!!! Let's go to school together!" He shouted as his voice traveled effortlessly through the door. Or maybe it was just thin.

Rintarou exhaled and opened the door slowly as he was met with 2 familiar faces, “Hey.” he said. He was glad that the 2 made up but dealing with the amount of energy this early in the morning was exhausting.

“Good morning, didja eat yet?” Osamu asked, voice warm as his gaze lingered on Rintarou for more than a second. 

The question was simple, just like how Rintarou kept his life, but something about today felt off and made his chest tighten. He hesitated before nodding once, “Yeah,” he lied.

But Osamu didn’t buy it, “Ya sure…? We still have time, yaknow.” 

Stop. Rintarou thought stop doing this to me, I don’t deserve you Osamu.

Rintarou’s breath hitched, shaking the thoughts away, he quickly fixed his gaze on the ground and brushed past them before either of the twins could take a good look at his expression.

“It’s fine, c’mon,” he muttered, adjusting the strap of his bag

Atsumu gawked, before following behind him, “Oi, yer morning personality sucks ass, not that yer personality is even good in the first place” he bickered.

Suddenly Osamu handed him a bento box, “I figured ya’d skip, I mean look at ya.” he said sternly as he placed the bento box, probably prepared by him, into Rintarou’s hands, “Ya need to eat yaknow.”

Rintarou blinked, trying his hardest to swallow the lump in his throat, “T-thank you…” he managed to choke out.

Osamu smiled gently and just turned to catch up with Atsumu.

The 2 of them walked in silence as Atsumu’s ongoing yap sessions blurred out as background music in their bubble. Rintarou usually liked that, having the warmth of his friends around him, whether it was loitering around the convenience store counting if they had enough change for a snack, walking to class, or their laughter overlapping each other, it was the way they could fill in the silence so easily.

He liked that.

He really did. But, why?

Why were they like this with him? 

It wasn’t particularly just Osamu and Atsumu, but the others too like Kita, Aran, Ginjima, the team. Rintarou believed he wasn’t especially nice, he didn’t go out of his way to be since he usually just resorted to eyerolls and dry comments. He wasn’t the type where people would naturally gravitate towards him, he wasn’t very appealing in his case, and he was the type to linger around the edges, but then, why do they keep pulling him towards the center?

Why did Mama Miya accept his entire existence for just his presence?

Why do his friends always make him feel like he belonged there?

Why did Osamu notice he hadn’t eaten breakfast? 

Rintarou’s gaze dropped as they continued walking. 

He never really did anything very significant for them, he hadn’t saved anyone really and he hadn’t even proved himself in volleyball or anything really, so why did it matter?

He swallowed hard, what had he done to deserve this?

The word lodged in his brain for a second too long, deserve. Because he feared one day they realized he was too quiet? Too distant and not worth their time anymore. But he had always known to exist without expecting something because it was safer that way. 

If you didn't reach, you wouldn’t be disappointed, and if you didn’t attach, you couldn't be left alone.

The thought tightened his chest, because yet, he was here walking to school with his friends, hands enveloped around a warm bento box made for him because Osamu notices everything. 

He wasn't sure of how long he could keep doing without knowing the reason to why.

By fourth period, the classroom felt exceptionally warm. Sunlight filtered through the window onto his desk in strips of gold as the teacher’s voice traveled around the class explaining a topic Rintarou was not listening to at all. Rintarou rested his head against his arms as he twirled his pencil in his hand with his notebook sprawled open in front of him. His eyes felt heavy, he buried his face in the crook of his arms, let out a soft exhale as a strand of his dark hair fell across his eyes before nodding off to finally get some rest.

•───── ⋆ ♡ ⋆ ───── •

It wasn't warm anymore.

The memory in his mind felt cold and sharp even though it was summer at that time.

The walls felt thin in his apartment and he wished, he really wished they were thicker. Or if the voices could just stop getting louder and louder.

12 year old Suna Rintarou was sitting on the floor of his bedroom, back pressed against the side of his bed as he curled his knees closer towards his chest, feeling the thump of his own heartbeat against it. Ritsuka sat beside him, crayons were scattered across the floor as she colored carefully inside lines, tongue peeking out in concentration. Rintarou’s jaw tightened when he heard the sound of something hitting a surface, chairs scraping violently across the floor with a loud screech, objects fell to the ground, then the yelling started. Muffled screams came traveling up the stairs and under the little crack between Rintarou’s bedroom door and the cold wooden floor. 

His sister paused mid stroke as she looked up at Rintarou, her eyes were filled with fear as her small fingers gripped tighter on the bright red crayon. Rintarou exhaled quietly as he shifted closer to her, “It’s fine Rika,” he whispered, trying his best to crack out a smile for her, “They’re just.. Loud. Continue coloring, it looks good.”

Ritsuka looked up at him, eyes shone under the moonlight from how late it was, she didn’t fully understand what Rintarou meant but she nodded and smiled as she continued to color beside him. 

The argument moved from the kitchen to the front door. They heard the loud voices of frustration, accusations, and maybe more but couldn’t figure out what it was because the voices kept overlapping each other. The voices sounded louder, it felt as if Rintarou were in between them. Suddenly, his sister flinched, Rintarou didn’t hesitate before reaching over and covering her ears gently as her little arms wrapped around him.

“It’s okay,” he whispered again, though he wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince.

There was a crash, followed by more screaming, but then the front door slammed shut, the house felt as if it was shaking as the sound echoed through the house. Rintarou was shaking too.

The silence that came afterwards was painful, it was the kind that rings in your ears until the only sound you can hear is your own ragged breathing and heartbeat. Then what broke the silence made Rintarou’s stomach drop, his mother was crying, sharp inhales as her sobs broke through the silence in uneven waves, as Rintarou listened, he pulled his sister closer and wrapped his arms around her shoulder as she settled quietly in his lap. Ritsuka’s small firsts eventually loosened as her breath evened out, but his mother's failed to, Rintarou ran his fingers through Ritsuka’s hair while he listened to the crying gradually fading. Time passed, Rintarou did not know how long it was, but he heard the door creak open slowly, softer, then his aunt’s voice drifted down the hallway to be tangled within his mother’s too. 

Rintarou laid there, leaning on the side of his bed as his sister slept against him. He couldn’t hear everything, but he understood something his age shouldn’t be.

Something was that things weren’t going to return to what it was originally. He understood now, after countless similar situations, that love could leave, it can leave loudly, but the silence afterwards is what changes everything. 

•───── ⋆ ♡ ⋆ ───── •

It was the second time Rintarou woke up in a cold sweat today. It's not fun. 

The bell cut sharply through his ears, his eyes flew open as his chair scraped against the floor. His shirt clung uncomfortably to his skin and it took him a brief moment to figure out where he was. The classroom was shuffling around for lunch, chattering, chairs moving, as the sunlight flickered against Rintarou’s adjusting eyes.

He swallowed as the classroom slowly came back to focus as he wiped his sweaty palms against his pants. 

“Suna?” Osamu asked softly, his voice traveled effortlessly through Rintarou’s haze. Rintarou blinked and turned his head slightly.

Osamu was standing beside his desk, brows drawn together as his grey eyes flickered over Rintrou’s face, “Ya okay..?” he asked, quieter this time.

Rintarou forced his position into something more presentable. He pretended to stretch his arms above his head like he just woke up normally from a nap, like his heart hadn’t just been racing out of control earlier. 

“Yeah,” he said, voice hoarse, “Just fell asleep.”

Osamu did not look convinced by the way his eyebrows furrowed together, but before he could say anything else, Atsumu’s voice exploded into their space, “Oi! Lunch!!!” he said, cutting through the tension they had earlier. He appeared over Rintaoru’s desk with Ginjima trailing behind him.

Atsumu squinted at Rintarou, “Why do ya look like ya saw a ghost?” he asked, with a tint of worry in his voice.

“I didn’t” Rintarou deadpanned, eyes fixed on the classroom door. Fully aware that Osamu’s gaze hadn’t left him.

Before anyone could press further, Rintarou stood up abruptly, and slung his bag over one shoulder. 

“Ill meet you later,” he said quickly, “give me a minute.”

The three of them paused, as Atsumu blinked. “Uh. Okay…?”

Ginjima tilted his head, “You good?”

“I’m fine”

The answer escaped Rintarou before he could even process it. He didn’t give them a chance to question further as he shifted around them, shoulder brushing against Osamu’s lightly, and stepped into the hallway.

Then Rintarou walked, steps progressively increasing in speed throughout the narrow corridor. The fluorescent lights overhead hummed faintly as every footstep echoed louder than it should, Rintarou felt as if he could hear everything. Like that his heartbeat suddenly felt as if it was in his throat. The air also felt thin, but thick, because oxygen suddenly wasn’t filling his lungs no matter how much he inhaled. He finally pushed through the washroom door as it swung behind him with a loud slam that ran through his ears like an earthquake.

The sound cracked through him, like it felt so familiar and for a second he was sitting in a room with Ritsuka sleeping against him. The front door slammed so hard it made the crayons on the ground roam freely. 

Rintarou’s breath stuttered as he rushed to the sink and braced both hands against the cold porcelain as his head hung low. He then turned the faucet on and shoved his hands under the stream of freezing running water. The cold bit into his skin, as he cupped his hands and splashed the icy water over his face. 

Water dripped down from his jaw and soaked into the collar of his uniform.

Don’t think about it. Don't think about dad leaving, don't think about the silence after that changed everything. 

Rintarou’s breath hitched, the silence had been the worst part. He could endure everything else, the screaming, shouting, arguments, that he could handle since it was loud and predictable. It filled space unlike the slam, because the way the house had gone quiet after the slam, the silence was unbearable and Rintarou would vow to never experience that again. 

His hands shook as he squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the sink harder.

You don’t deserve it, Rintarou. 

His throat tightened, all he did was take a thirty minute nap

Thirty minutes. 

And somehow his brain had dragged him back to become 12 year old Rintarou covering his sister's ears while she trembled in his lap, but Ritnarou couldn’t break here, and he wasn’t that kid anymore now. He inhaled slowly through his nose and exhaled through his mouth again and again. 

Rintarou forced the tears back before they could properly gather and forced his trembling hands to stay still as well. He couldn't cry in a school bathroom about something that happened years ago. So he carefully adjusted his collar, ran his fingers through his hair, and stepped back into the hallway as each step echoed through the narrow hallway. When he reached the cafeteria, Atsumu was complaining loudly about some black curly haired bitch with 2 moles on top of his right eyebrow? Not quite sure if he really thought he was a bitch but then Osamu’s eyes met his. Rintarou slid into a seat across them as the fluorescent lights strained his eyes.

“Ya good?” Osamu asked, voice as warm as the spring sunlight spilling through a window, casting an embrace around them like a soft blanket that felt so gentle and unreal. It made Rintarou’s chest tighten in a way he didn’t understand, it felt strange, like a burn that spread from behind his ribs up into his throat and he couldn't even describe if it was comforting or terrifying.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Rintarou said as he fixed his expression to something neutral and tucked his thoughts away into the back of his mind, and under his ribs where he hoped nobody could access. 

Rintarou propped his chin against his arm as he watched Atsumu and Ginjima debate on whether or not Atsumu had a crush on the black curly haired bitch. Their voices rising and overlapping along with the other conversations in the cafeteria. Their lunches sat in front of them, while rice grains clung to Atsumu’s chopsticks as he waved them around to emphasize his thoughts. Rintarou watched them slowly, his eyes failing to keep up with their exaggerated movement. 

“Oi,” Osamu said mid chew, nudging Rintarou lightly under the table, “Where’s yer food?”

Rintarou didn’t hesitate before lying. “Ate it.”

Osamu’s eyes scrunched together, “Already?”

“Yeah,” He shrugged, gaze shifting to Atsumu like he wanted to escape this conversation. “Was hungry earlier.”

Every word that came out of Rintarou’s mouth was a lie. No, he did not eat it, in fact even touch it. And No he was not hungry, and the thought of food always twisted something in Rintarou’s stomach. The bento box from this morning that was carefully packed sat untouched in the back of his locker. 

“...It's in my locker now.” He said

Osamu held his gaze while the noise filled the space between them, Atsumu yelling “I DON’T LIKE HIM SHUT UP,” Ginjima laughing until he couldn't breathe, and the sound of other voices in the distance.

“...Okay,” Osamu finally said.

They sat in silence while Osamu chewed on his onigiri, occasionally adding a comment into the conversation. Rintarou looked down at his feet, his bangs falling to his face when a voice cut through before his mind could wander again. 

“Hey,” 

Rintarou looked up, the noise around them dimmed as his eyes met Osamus. 

“Ya don’t gotta keep everything to yerself…” he said, in a voice that felt like warmth from sunlight through closed curtains. “If ya wanna talk, I’m here.” 

Rintarou felt it again, the same warm sensation that sent shivers down his spine whenever he interacted with Osamu recently. The same one he felt when their fingers brushed because of a tangerine. The warmth of knowing that someone is willing to be there for him bloomed across his chest and melted slowly into the corners of him he never knew could be reached. His throat ached and tightened, but it was not the same as trying to hold back tears. 

Rintarou swallowed.

“Me too,” he said quietly

Osamu turned to face him.

“If ya…ever wanna talk,” he added, gaze dropping to his feet again. “I’ll be here too..”

Osamu blinked, eyebrows raised slightly in surprise. Then he smiled, “Thanks.”

Suddenly Atsumu shouted from across the room, “Oi! Are ya two gonna elope or what??”

“Don’t act like ya aren’t gonna elope with Sakusa” Ginjima snarked

“SHUT YER MOUTH-”

Rintarou pushed himself out of his seat before rolling his eyes. “Shut up,” he called back while Osamu walked beside him. Their shoulders brushed as Osamu popped open a bag of chips, the artificial scent mixed with the salt and oil twisted in his stomach, and it reminded him it was empty. Hunger flared and then curled into something sour.

Osamu tilted it slightly towards Rintarou, offering. Rintarou stared at the open bag for a second before dragging his gaze away. 

“No thanks.”

Osamu hummed softly and reached into the bag to take one for himself, he chewed for a while before turning to face Rintarou.

“Ya sure?” He asked, it sounded casual but it was tinted with a hint of worry.

Rintarou’s face scrunched, “I said I’m fine.” he then shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and slouched further, his eyes darted to the ground, watching each step he took carefully. The hallway felt too bright again, of course Rintarou had lied earlier, he just couldn’t bear seeing a concerned, worried expression on Osamu’s face that made Rintarou feel like some charity case that needed pity. He knows Osamu’s intentions aren’t like that, but Rintarou’s stupid.

Osamu's eyes flicked towards Rintarou, he noticed the way Rintarou avoided eye contact when he lied, or when his shoulders curled in making him look small. Osamu always noticed it.

Rintarou was also kind of bad at hiding how he really felt. As if Rintarou was a complicated book and only Osamu knew how to read him.

 Or maybe it's because Osamu’s in love with Rintarou.

•───── ⋆ ♡ ⋆ ───── •

You tend to notice smaller details when you are in love with someone, it feels like the world slows down so that you could pay attention to the insignificant things that no one would ever think twice about. Osamu thinks of the way the corner of Rintarou’s eyes crinkle when he finds something amusing but doesn’t want to show it. The lazy drag of his voice when he calls samu everyday like it’s normal, even if it doesn't feel very normal to Osamu. The way his head tilts slightly as parts of his brown locks fall onto his face when he wants to let Osamu know that he's listening, Osamu finds himself imagining what it would feel like to gently push Rintarou's bangs away from his gorgeous eyes with his own hands. His fingers would travel across the sides of Rintarou's face, behind his ears, then– Osamu never got to finish the daydream because it was ridiculous. 

Osamu had always been in love with Rintarou, from the first time his eyes met a pair of emerald green eyes speckled with gold dust that still shone under the dull gym light. He remembers the time Atsumu dragged him over shouting his usual nonsense and how Rintarou responded simply, blunt, yet somehow he caught a tint of patience that made Osamu’s chest tighten in a way. From that day on, Rintarou entered his life and had been there in so many small ways that mattered a lot to Osamu. Whenever Osamu seemed frustrated or a little down, Rintarou had been the first to notice and always smiled quietly and gave a simple word that lingered longer in Osamu’s mind than anything else. 

“Suna” Osamu called as he sat cross legged on Atsumu and his bedroom floor.

Rintarou, who was on Osamu’s bed while lying on his stomach, looked up from his phone, “hmm?” he asked softly

“I don’t know if I can… if I want to…” Osamu had said quietly, all he could hear was the sound of his own heartbeat, “Continue volleyball. Ya know?” 

Osamu exhaled a sigh of relief as he finally let out words he’d been wanting to since forever. 

Rintarou tilted his head slightly, his bangs falling in front of his face. Osamu really, really wanted to reach out and tuck it behind his ears.

“You want to quit?” he asked, voice calm and gentle that pierced into Osamu’s heart. 

“Yeah,” Osamu admitted, running a hand through his grey hair, “I don’t know if I'm cut for this anymore. I don’t even know why I’ve been doing it. Honestly.” 

Rintarou's gaze softened as he met Osamu, he didn’t pity, just waited for Osamu to continue. 

“I…I want to cook.” Osamu continued, “I want to make food, and make people happy, i-” he cut himself off. “But I don’t know if I’m good enough to keep that…”

Rintarou leaned forward slightly, “Then do that,” he said softly, “if you want to cook then cook,” he looked up for a moment to catch his words before continuing, “it’s okay to feel this way and do what everyone else expects. You can be you and thats…enough.”

Osamu blinked, mouth hanging open as his mind scrambled to find something to say. His chest tightened for the 4th time, he felt as if the weight he’d been carrying for months had just been loosened by the warmth of Rintarou's words.

“Ya…really mean that?” his voice came out almost like a whisper.

The corner of Rintarou's lips curved into the tiniest smile, “I do,” he said quietly. And that's all he had to say to let the tension in Osamu’s mind finally let go. 

“Thanks,” he murmured, “I really needed that.” he said as he forced a small smile. 

“Oh you sap, how you gonna tell Tsumu?” Rintarou said as he rolled his eyes, still smiling softly as he went back to scrolling on his phone.

Osamu smiled fondly at Rintarou despite the thought of telling Atsumu about his plans. “Ill think about that later.”

Osamu had said he’d think about it later, he thought of it as a distant thing, it was supposed to be something in the future he didn’t have to worry about, blurry and far away. But later came faster than he expected. 

It was Tuesday, after school Osamu walked down the streets with Rintarou and Atsumu as the sun was blurred by the clouds, light shadows speckled over them. They soon reached the path that divided them, Rintarou's hands were in his pockets as he lifted one to wave lazily at the. 

“I’ll give you the bento container back tomorrow ‘Samu." he called.

“That's fine, thanks Suna.” Osamu said. His throat felt tight. 

The walk home was silent as Atsumu scrolled on his phone, frantically typing something as Osamu looked up at the trees as sunlight spilled between the branches. He sighed, how do I even tell him? He thought, then unlocked the door with a soft click as they stepped in. 

Sooner or later, the twins ended up in their shared room, the same one they had slept in since they were kids, walls lined with volleyball posters, scratches on the wooden floor. The house was quieter than usual, the only sound of the television murmuring faintly in the background while their parents watched. Osamu felt as if the air was filled with tension and it made it hard to breathe.

Osamu sat at his desk, fiddling with a pen in his sweaty hands, pretending to be studying. His leg bounced restlessly as he wiped his hands furiously against his grey sweats, streaking them with lines of fear. 

Across the room, Atsumu was sprawled on his share of the bunk bed, one arm hung lazily over the edge as he scrolled through something on his phone while humming under his breath. 

Osamu’s chest tightened.

“I’m not gonna keep playin’ after high school,” he said suddenly.

Atsumu looked up, “Huh??”

“I’m serious Tsumu.”

“What d’ya mean yer not gonna keep playin’?” he leaned over the side of the bunk, squinting down at him.

“I mean I’m not goin’ pro. I don’t want to.” Osamu swallowed the lump forming in his throat, “I wanna cook. Open somethin’ on my own someday…”

“So what, ya just gonna give up?” Atsumu’s expression was fixed in a way Osamu hadn’t seen in a long time.

“I’m not givin’ up,” Osamu shot back, “I just- I don’t want to continue in the way ya do.” 

“We’ve been doin’ this our whole lives, Samu.” Atsumu snapped, as he swung his legs off the bunk and landed on the floor with a thud. “We’re twins! We’re supposed to do this together!” 

Osamu’s chest felt as if it were cracking open, bit by bit, torn apart by Atsumu and his own words. “I didn’t ask to be born at the same time as ya! What if I don’t want to?”

“What d’ya mean if ya don’t want to?” Atsumu’s voice rose, “We’ve always wanted this ‘Samu.”

“No. Ya wanted this ‘Tsumu.”

“Don’t twist it like it's all my fault.”

“I’m not twisting anything- yer the one who lives for the spotlight, I can’t keep up forever.”

“We said we’d go pro t’gether.” Atsumu said as his voice cracked slightly.

Osamu's breath hitched, “That was when we were kids! Kids say stupid things…”

“Was it stupid to ya?” Atsumu shouted, “Was it stupid to ya when we stayed back after practices t’gether?”

“It wasn’t at the time– but people change, Tsumu. I changed.” 

“So am I just supposed to accept that?” Atsumu asked, “Watch ya walk away from the promise we made?”

“There’s no ‘us’ in this!” Osamu shouted, “It’s yer dream!”

“It was ours!”

“It's not mine anymore, I want to do something that feels like me!”

“All this time I thought we were dreamin’ the same thing and now yer tellin’ me that ya don’t want it anymore?”

“I didn’t know how to tell ya.”

“Yeah, well, congrats. Ya did.”

Atsumu scoffed, “Fine.” His jaw clenched, “Do whatever the hell ya want, not like anyone cares about yer cookin’ anyways.” 

His words hit Osamu in the chest before sinking, slowly and painfully down into his stomach. It felt like doubt was spreading through him like ink in water, staining every corner of him. For a second he did think that maybe it was stupid, or unrealistic. That he was throwing something solid away for something no one would take seriously. A wave of emotions splashed him in the face, he felt angry about the way Atsumu had treated him, but also sad that someone actually might think this way about the things he wants to do, and it hurt. It hurt because out of everyone in the world, the one person he needed, wanted to understand, just believed him even a little, was the one who made him feel stupid for even trying. 

Atsumu wasn’t looking at him anymore, he’d already turned away, eyes darting to the ground. Osamu could tell that he was hurt, but the fear and anger burned inside him. “Y-ya don’t mean that,” Osamu said quietly. His voice came out small, smaller than he intended it to. But he needed it to not be true, he needed, wanted, Atsumu to roll his eyes, scoff, and say “Obviously I don’t mean it idiot.” He needed him to take it back, but Atsumu didn’t.

Osamu threw his head down, and turned around, he couldn't bear to look at Atsumu at all now. His eyes and throat burned as he exited the room and slammed the door shut behind him. The sound echoed through the house in waves as he ran out the front door in his grey sweats and black t-shirt, the cold air bit into his skin immediately. 

Osamu didn’t know where he was going, but his legs moved on their own. The night wind blew harshly onto his tear stained face, each breath came out in fogs as the pavement blurred underneath him and street lights in streaks of pale yellow. His mind played the argument over and over:

Not like anyone cares about yet cookin’ anyways. 

Without thinking, his fingers fumbled for his phone, there was only one person he could and wanted to call. 

“Samu?” Rintarou's voice came through.

Osamu swallowed, trying to steady his breathing. “Are ya busy..?” 

A pause, then you could hear rustling on the other end.

“No,” Rintarou replied, “Where are you?”

Osamu looked around before finally slowing as he reached the park a few blocks from his house. The swings creaked in the wind while the metal slides shone under the moonlight. 

“...The park.” 

“I’ll come, stay there,” Rintarou said.

Osamu sank down onto one of the swings as the call ended, his palms gripping the cold chains. He didn't wait long until Rintarou appeared at the edge of the park wearing a hoodie thrown lazily over his shirt, his hands tucked into the pockets. His hair was slightly messy, as he scanned the area before his eyes landed on Osamu. His pretty eyes, emerald green speckled with gold dust..

“It's freezing Samu.” Rintarou said quietly. 

Osamu let out a weak huff that meant to be a laugh, “Didn’t plan this.”

Rintarou took Osamu’s hand before dragging him to his dorm, “hurry, you’ll get sick.” he muttered

They didn’t talk much on the walk to Rintarou's dorm, the air was cold but quiet around them. Their shoulders brushed occasionally.

Rintarou didn’t ask what happened, but he just stayed close enough that made Osamu feel that he wasn't alone. And it twisted something different in Osamu’s chest. When they reached the dorm, Rintarou unlocked the door and let Osamu in first. The room smelled faintly of detergent and Rintarou . You know when someone just has a distinct smell? Yeah okay ill shut up now.

Rintarou closed the door softly and sat beside him, their knees brushed and all you could hear was the sound of the vents humming and Osamu’s ragged breathing. “We fought,” Osamu said finally, voice low.

“Yeah?” Rintarou replied softly.

“I told him…” Osamu’s hands curled together, “about quittin’, and cookin’”

“Mhm?” Rintarou prompted gently.

Osamu sighed, “He thinks I'm abandonin’ him. A-and…” the thought of the argument made Osamu feel weak, tears slipped from his eyes; hot balls of pain rolling down his cheeks as he continued, “said no one would care ‘bout my cookin’ anyways…”

Rintarou's eyes narrowed, "That's not true,” 

Osamu’s shoulder slumped, “He's my twin Rintarou, if he doesn't believe in me then who’s gonna?” He turned slowly to meet Rintarou's gaze.

“I am.” Rintarou said simply.

Something about Rintarou's words, the fact that someone was there for Osamu, that someone believed fully in him that he could pursue something he actually wanted. Osamu’s vision blurred again, he inhaled shakily. “I don’t wanna lose him, Suna…” he admitted.

“You won't,” Rintarou muttered, “You two are too stubborn to even lose each other.” He smiled faintly at Osamu. “So don’t overthink it, ‘kay?”

Before Osamu could overthink it or even think about his actions, he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Rintarou from behind and pressed his face into the back of his shoulder. It was impulsive and desperate, not one of Osamu’s best moves. 

Rintarou stiffened instantly at the touch, Osamu’s heart pounded, “Sorry-”. But then Rintarou exhaled and leaned back slightly, settling in Osamu’s embrace. “It’s fine..” he mumbled.

Rintarou's back was warm against his cheek, as Osamu pressed deeper into the touch. He could feel the rise and fall of his breathing, as Osamu matched it without meaning to. He inhaled when Rintarou inhaled, exhaled when Rintarou did too, and gradually the harsh pounding of his heart began to slow down.

Osamu stayed like that for a while until he felt the weight of Rintarou slightly increase on him. He thought it was his imagination that Rintarou's head nuzzled closer against Osamu's collarbone, but then Rintarou's breathing evened out and Osamu realized he had drifted off.

The realization made something warm bloom in his chest. Rintarou had fallen asleep in his arms.

Carefully, Osamu adjusted his posture slowly so Rintarou would be woken up. He wrapped his arms tightly around him, he then loosened one arm from Rintarou's waist and brought it up, hesitating for a moment before letting his fingers brush softly against Rintarou's face. He traced the eyebags beneath Rintarou's eyes and wondered how long Rintarou had been running on with little sleep.

“Ya push yerself too much,” He muttered to himself under his breath. 

His fingers made their way up, carefully brushing aside a lock of brown hair from Rintarou's face. He tucked it behind his ear the way he’d always been imagining to do. His hands lingered against Rintarou's cheeks for a second before sliding it back down around his waist and pulling him closer to warmth. He pressed his face against Rintarou's hair, letting his chin rest lightly at the crown of his head. 

With Rintarou breathing evenly in his arms, Osamu closed his eyes and let sleep take him while he held the one person who had always held him together.

•───── ⋆ ♡ ⋆ ───── •

The first thing Rintarou registered when he woke up from his alarm (rung for 0.1 seconds before it was turned off) was warmth. Pressed solid against his back and wrapped tightly around his waist. Rintarou’s eyes fluttered open slowly, he sat there sinking into the warmth while he waited for his brain to distinguish the difference between dreaming and waking.

Suddenly, he realized that wasn’t his pillow, nor his blanket. He became aware that the warmth that wrapped around him was a pair of arms, and he was lying on Miya Osamu. His breathing was slow and even behind him, his fingers curled loosely on the hem of Rintarou’s shirt. 

Rintarou carefully shifted, lifting Osamu’s arms from his waist and slipped out of his embrace. The warmth leaving him as his body met the cool morning air made him shudder, he stood there for a while staring down at Osamu before quietly grabbing his phone. 

He scrolled a few times before he saw a notification sent at 2:38am from Atsumu

Gay blonde:

Tell samu im sorry

pls

idk how 2 tell him 

Rintarou stared at it for a second before sighing. 

Me: 

tell him urself

idiot

Gay blonde:

r u sure

ok i will

Rintarou set his phone down on his desk as he made his way out of his room, he looked back at Osamu for a moment before leaving. As he walked to the kitchen, his head throbbed slightly, he poured himself a cup of water before steadying himself against the counter. 

He hadn’t eaten properly in… he couldn't remember.

Osamu’s bento box sat in his fridge, alone, and Rintarou wasn't sure what to do with it. Eat it? No, his stomach twisted weirdly at the thought of food, and he just chose to ignore it. 

“Suna…?” Osamu called from behind, his voice still thick with sleep.

Rintarou glanced over his shoulder, “Mornin’.”

Osamu leaned on the counter, blinking slowly before looking around until his eyes landed on Rintarou. They quickly flicked away as Osamu straightened his posture and scratched the back of his neck. 

“Did I–” he started, “did we fall asleep like that?”

“Yeah..” Rinarou replied, “you snore.”

Osamu frowned, “I do not.”

Rintarou’s lips twitched slightly, “C’mon, we have morning practice.”

Osamu blinked, “Oh, I- don’t have my stuff.”

Rintarou turned around, “Oh yeah… I forgot.”

“It’s fine,’ Osamu said, waving his hand in the air, “I need to explain to ma anyways, ill skip today.” he frowned. “And ‘Tsumu probably doesn't wanna see me.”

Rintarou’s hand made its way slowly to hold Osamu’s arm, “No. he does, but I think you should tell your mom first.,” his eyes flicked down, "She's probably worried, you can go home when ‘Tsumu goes to practice, he's always there early so now’s a good time.”

Osamu nodded in agreement.

Rintarou’s hands released Osamu arms, “...You’ll be okay.” 

Osamu smiled softly and warm, his ashy grey eyes crinkled at the corners, “Thanks, Rin.” he said as he made his way to the door. 

Rintarou didn’t say anything, he watched Osamu step past him on his way out, their shoulders brushing lightly, then the door shut softly behind him. He felt a little disappointed seeing Osamu leave, but at least the door didn’t slam.

When Rintarou entered the gym, he was met with a tension in the air. Atsumu was on the court tossing balls but his expression was tense. He inhaled sharply, tossed the ball a little too high, jumped and hit it into the net, smacking against the ground before rolling off into the distance. 

“Oi,” Ginjima called carefully, as if Atsumu was going to explode any second, “you good?”

“I’m fine.” Atsumu snapped.

“Where’s Osamu?” Coach asked as Atsumu’s fists tightened.

He stared at the floor as his shoulders started shaking, balls of hot tears dripped down his face as a choked sound ripped out of him. Ginjima quickly made his way beside Atsumu, arms flailing around, unsure what to do about the situation. Atsumu wiped at his face furiously as Ginjima and another teammate gently guided him towards the benches and made him sit down. Atsumu plopped heavily on the bench, elbows dug into his knees as his hands covered his face. 

Rintarou walked slowly towards the benches and Atsumu, slowly dropping his bag against the wall and making his way beside Atsumu. He sat down on the ground beside him, extending his legs out to look as if he were stretching. 

Atsumu’s crying softened into sniffles by then, shoulder rising and falling unevenly as his blonde hair fell in front of his eyes as he stared at his feet. 

As Rintarou stretched his legs out, feeling a pull in his leg muscle, Atsumu’s voice came behind him. 

“... is ‘Samu at yer place?” he mumbled, voice sounding hoarse from the crying. 

Rintarou turned around and nodded softly, “yeah.”

Atsumu’s fingers tightened on the hem of his shorts, “is…he okay? …safe?” 

Rintarou’s gaze softened as he reassured Atsumu with another tiny nod, “yeah” he said, "he's safe.”

“Okay, good” Atsumu whispered, as he let out a shaky breath, “don’t tell him I cried Sunarin.”

Rintarou scoffed faintly, “too late.”

Atsumu glared weakly through his tear stained, red brimmed eyes, but there was the smallest curve at the corner of his mouth.

Osamu didn’t show up for the rest of the practice, the team kind of figured out what had happened at that point. But Osamu did show up (late) to first period, uniform neat, hair in place. Anyone who didn’t know Osamu as well as Rintarou does wouldn’t suspect anything wrong. Rintarou watched as Osamu walked in and locked eyes with Atsumu, who sat up immediately. However, none of them spoke, Atsumu reverted his gaze to the front of the classroom and Osamu made his way to his seat quietly. 

The rest of the day flew by quietly, the 2nd years sat together during lunch but barely exchanged much words. It was obvious the way they wanted to talk, how Atsumu kept opening his mouth and closing it again, or how Osamu kept trying to make eye contact with his twin. For as long Rintarou has known them for, he knows the twins just needed time, then they’d talk it out, maybe cry (Atsumu is my most dramatic emotional king if you couldn’t tell). Rintarou sighs, to himself as the bell rang through his thoughts, he shoves pencils and homework he probably won't do in his bag and makes his way out with the twins. They walked in silence, it was nice to have the twins not fight and bicker about the most random topic loudly, but Rintarou’s stomach ached in a way that felt the same as 4 years ago. As much as Rintarou wants to help and see Osamu smile again (and Atsumu yes), there’s not much he believes he could do, so he does what he thinks he can. 

Before the twins and Rintarou split paths, he looked at them sincerely as the wind blew lightly across their faces, the sunset casting a gradient of reds and yellows across the ground and their faces. 

“Don’t lose each other over pride, ‘kay?” he said softly, and before either of them could respond, he turned and walked away.

Rintarou stuffed his hands in his pockets as he walked slowly down the path to his dorm. When he reached his room and unlocked the door, he kicked off his shoes and slumped on his bed. He pulled his phone out and clicked into a saved contact. He’d been wanting to call her and ask how she is, if living at Aunt Yumiko’s was fine, or if school was okay. The call rang once before it was immediately picked up.

“Rin-nii!” she shrieked through the phone, “whats up”

Rintarou couldn’t help but chuckle at her reaction, “hey Ri, nothing, i just wanted to check in with you.”

He could hear her eyes roll through the phone as she said, “I’m great, I joined the art club and I go every Tuesday with my friends!” 

Rintarou smiled to himself as he leaned back onto his bed, “mhm. How are your grades?” he asked.

“They’re fiinne” she whined, “im a good student Rin-nii! Do you have any drama going on?”

He sighs, “not really, how's Aunt Yumikos?”

Ritsuka's voice travels through the phone statically, “It’s nice, you know how my room is in the attic? My friends and I decorated the ceiling with glow in the dark stars!” 

“Thats nice,” he replies.

“Rin-nii, I can tell through the phone something's wrong.” 

Rintarou frowns, how can she tell through the phone?

“Ugh, I can’t keep any secrets around you.” he jokes, “The twins got into a fight. Thats all”

“It's their fight, why do you sound so sad then? I mean I know I feel bad too but…you know?” she asks.

Rintarou shakes his head to himself, “No, Ri, it’s nothing. They're probably talking right now, maybe crying.”

Ritsuka laughs, “Yeah, that's like Tsumu, Rin-nii, have you been eating anything yummy recently?”

Rintarou sinks deeper into his bed, “Always talking about food, aren’t you?” Rintarou says to distract himself from the twist in his stomach. 

“So mean! I was just asking.” she screamed, “Well my friends and I went to get matcha ice cream”

“That's nice–” he was cut off by a knock at his door, “Sorry, Ri, I think I have to go. Stay safe.”

“Okay! Next time you come and visit, I'll take you to get matcha ice cream with me, okay?””

“Okay, I’d like that.”

“Bye Rin-nii, I love you.”

“Love you too” he then hung up, and pushed himself out of bed to answer the door. 

Rintarou was met with a familiar face, ashy grey eyes matching his ashy grey hair. 

“Samu?” 

“Hey. Is it okay if I stay?”

“Yeah– but, I thought you guys would…” Rintarou’s stomach twisted, “talk to eachother?”

“We did, we're fine now” Osamu smiles that warm smile that made Rintarou’s chest tighten but loosen at the fact that he felt relieved that the twins had talked to each other. “I just wanted to stay with ya longer.” Osamu said.

He let Osamu in before slumping on his couch, the tips of his ears were red, “thats… good”

“Mhm, were ya calling yer sister earlier? Sorry if I intruded.” 

“Nah, it’s okay I was about to take a nap anyways.”

Osamu stepped inside and slipped off his shoes, he was familiar enough with the space now to move through it without asking. 

“We did talk,” Osamu said after a second, dropping beside Rintarou on the couch. “Properly.”

Rintarou turned his head slightly against the cushion, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Osamu said as he let out a small breath that sounded almost like a laugh, “Tsumu cried.”

Rintarou scoffed, the corner of his mouth lifting despite himself, “Of course he did.”

“Full on ugly cry,” Osamu continued, “sayin’ I can’t abandon him, he didn’t mean it, and kept apologizin’” 

“And?”

“And I told him I'm not going anywhere, just not goin’ pro.” Osamu leaned back into the couch and stared at the ceiling, “he said he’ll come eat at my shop every day when I open it, and promote it on TV when he’s famous.”

Rintarou let out a small laugh, “that sounds like Tsumu.”

Osamu turned to face Rintarou with a warm smile. 

“I’m glad,” Rintarou murmured as his eyes flicked down.

“Ya look tired,” Osamu said gently.

“‘M fine,” Rintarou mumbled.

“Yer always fine.” 

Rintarou rolled his eyes but didn’t argue, the room fell into a comfortable silence that didn’t ask for anything. Osamu talked a bit more about Atsumu clinging onto him like they were 5 again, and how Mama Miya threatened to hack them both if they had another argument like this again.

Rintarou listened, he really did. But the way Osamu’s voice was so soothing, Rintarou’s eyelids started to feel heavy. His body was already running on too little sleep and food, and adding on the warmth radiating from Osamu made him finally cave in. Rintarou didn’t notice himself leaning, or leaning on Osamu’s shoulder. 

Osamu paused mid sentence as he looked down at Rintarou, curled into the side of him. The faint shadows under his eyes and his soft breaths against his shirt. 

“Suna?” 

No response, so Osamu tried again.

“...Rin?”

A small smile tugged at the corner of Osamu's mouth when he heard no response again. He carefully adjusted his position and let Rintarou settle better against him. He shifted so Rintarou’s head was lying against his chest rather than awkwardly on his shoulder. Osamu looked down at him fondly, stared at his dark lashes, and the faint crease between his brows that seemed like he was thinking too much.

“Ya really need to rest,” Osamu murmured to himself. 

He brushed a strand of hair off Rintarou’s face, fingers lingering for a bit before he settled his hand elsewhere. 

He should move, or probably get up and go home. Do anything other than sit here and sync his breathing with Rintarou’s like it's the only thing he cares about in the world right now. 

But Osamu doesn't move, because the warmth between him and Rintarou makes him feel all giddy inside. He watches how Rintarou’s chest rises and falls evenly, and it makes him think of all the times Rintarou had been there for him. Una probably doesn’t realize it, but to Osamu, he’s the most important person to him in the world (besides Atsumu, but Rintarou might rank just a tiny bit higher than him because Osamu knows that his twin is hella gay for a certain Sakusa Kyoomi). Rintarou has always made tension in Osamu’s chest loosen, Rintarou stayed with him through his identity crisis, career path crisis, and the Atsumu crisis. Probably ranked high up in Osamu’s ‘worst things that happened in my life list’ but the point is that he can’t loose Rintarou . 

Holding him like this makes Osamu realize he wants to be the person Rintarou feels safe with, the one Rintarou could lean on just like how Osamu does with him. 

Osamu’s gaze travels over him, eyes flicking over the deep shadows under his eyes again. It makes Osamu’s chest tighten as he leaned closer, hand brushing an nonexistent hair from Rintarou’s face. His fingers brushed under Rintarou’s eyes, and then down along the side of his face, Osamu thinks how dearly he wants to tell Rintarou , hold him in his arms as he whispers softly in ears and tell him that he's not alone, that I'm here, and that I won’t let you carry this alone. He wanted to repay Rintarou , but not with a single gesture or a fleeting moment of care. Osamu wanted to be there with him forever because he believed that it was for Rintarou , because Rintarou deserved it, and Osamu refused to let Rintarou carry things alone. 

•───── ⋆ ♡ ⋆ ───── •

Rintarou’s eyes fluttered, a shiver running down his spine as the memory clawed its way back into his mind again. He was 12 again, in a different setting this time, crouched on the floor with his little sister pressed into his lap trembling. The air was thick with tension and the yelling, gosh, the yelling was unbearable. 

“Do you even care about your children?!” his mother’s voice cracked desperately through the room. Her hands trembled as she gestured, pointing at him and his sister as if they were the cause. 

His father laughed low and bitter, “hell no. Do I even have to care?” He stepped closer, as Rintarou held his sister tighter, nose wrinkling from the stench of alcohol. Suddenly, a finger pointed at Rintarou, “And you– look at you! You don’t deserve anything! You’re sup’sed to man up and do something, but what do you do? Nothin’! You can’t even do that!”

Rintarou flinched at each word, each word that spit out of that man's mouth pressed him down harder and harder. 

“I– I’m trying…” he whispered, voice barely audible. “I– I’m trying to-”

“How can you deserve anything at all?!”

Something inside of him snapped. As if the dam that had been holding back all his fear, guilt, and the loneliness of those nights just cracked and gave away. Rintarou looked down, body shaking as much as how hard he was trying not to with his sister in his arms. The argument was slowly blurred by his ears, drifting into another room as he sat there hugging his poor sister who was crying in fear. Rintarou’s hands shook violently as tears finally broke free as well, hot tears slid down his cheeks, he trembled as he pressed himself further to the floor.

His eyes snapped open, the dim light of the room did little to ground him. His body trembled as the remnants of the nightmare clung stubbornly to his chest, making it ache the same way it did. His breaths were short and ragged, his eyes darted around as he tried catching his breath, then the reality of Osamu’s presence finally hit him. 

“Suna?”

He was warm against his back, Rintarou slowly turned to face him, “I-I’m sorry its stupi-” his voice trembled

“No, Rin.” Osamu said as his warm hands were already on him, one cradling the back of his head and the other brushing along his cheek. “I’ve got ya, yer not alone, so please. Talk to me.”

It felt like something in Rintarou shattered, like all of a sudden, he somehow couldn't hold in years of fear and exhaustion anymore. All because of Osamu.

Rintarou tried to speak but all that came out were broken sobs. He clung onto Osamu, burying his face into his chest as his hands gripped Osamu’s shirt, tears soaking through the fabric as Osamu held him tightly. 

“I… I keep having nightmares…” Rintarou whispered, as he pulled back just slightly so his entire weight was not fully on Osamu. “Of… of my parents… they used to fight all the time. They’d scream and yell… I- I feel like I can still hear it sometimes.”

Osamu tightened his hold on one hand as the other rubbed slow circles on his back, "mhm” he said, reassuring Rintarou as if he was afraid that Osamu would disappear.

“They’re still divorcing. It's not even over yet, i- i just…” he exhales shakily, “...can’t do this anymore.”

His fingers twist the hem of Osamu’s shirt, “I left Aichi ‘Samu… I left Ri behind I should've helped her more–”

“Rin”

“I know it's stupid,” he continues, voice cracking despite how hard he's trying to keep it in, “I keep thinking if I'm ruining things, what if I'm not doing enough? For my sister, or anyone…”

His voice drops to a whisper, barely audible, “...or you.”

Osamu pulls Rintarou into him fully, wrapping his arms tightly around his shoulders. 

“Ya ain’t ruining things Rin, ya stayed when I was a mess,” Osamu says quietly while rubbing slow circles against Rintarou’s back, “Ya held me together when I thought I was gonna lose everythin.’” his thumb brushes under Rintarou’s eyes, catching the tear that slipped. 

“So don’t ya dare think I won’t do the same.”

Rintarou’s breath stuttered, he shook his head violently, “W-why are you– why do you…care?” his voice cracked. 

Because ya deserve it,” Osamu said softly, as he caressed the back of his head slowly. “Ya  deserve to feel safe,” he murmured, “Ya deserve to be loved properly, by someone who stays…”

Rintarous eyes widened, “How…?” he whispered, honestly confused as his brows knitted together like he was using all his brain power to figure something out. “I… but I don't think you'd actually believe that…” his voice cracked again, “i just dont think im someone who deserves anything.” 

Osamu’s warm hands made their way to cup Rintarou's face gently, “Ya really don't see it, do ya?” Osamu said quietly, as his expression softened on him. 

Rintarou shook his head, so Osamu didn’t argue.

He just leaned in and kissed him. 

One hand cradling the back of his head, and the other holding his jaw steady. It felt as if Osamu needed Rintarou to feel it, to understand that the kiss wasn’t about comfort, but it was proof that Osamu really, really, did love him.

When Osamu pulled back, Rintarou’s eyes were so wide, like he hadn’t expected something so direct. Osamu let out a low soft chuckle. 

“I wouldn’t be here,” he said softly, thumb brushing across Rintarou’s cheek, “if I didn’t believe ya deserved it, I wouldn't hold ya or kiss ya like that. But I’m not that kinda person, Rin.” he smiled softly.

His gaze softened under the dim lights, casting a faint amber glow over his ashy grey eyes. Rintarou stared into them, he thought they looked like smoke curling through the air before disappearing.

Rintarou had never meant to fall in love with Osamu, or maybe had been falling for a long time and only just noticed what he felt was love. Either way, he wasn’t complaining. He sat here in Osamu’s arms, lashes still wet against his face damp as his breathing slowly calmed down by matching Osamu’s.

For the first time in years Rintarou finally felt safe. Not because the nightmares were gone, or that his past didn't hurt, it was still there but it's because someone had seen all the ugly pieces and stayed. He managed a small smile as his hands slowly slid towards Osamu’s, interlocking their fingers together as he held on tightly.

The silence stretched between them, then Osamu tilted his head slightly, a faint smirk tugging at his lips. 

“...Was that yer first kiss?”

Red bloomed across his face so fast, he tried to look away but Osamu was gently holding his jaw.

“...Yeah,” he nodded, voice embarrassingly small. 

Osamu blinked, then a slow grin spread across his face.“Good,” he said softly, “Cause me too.”

♡