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Namping was beautiful.
The first time this thought entered Keng’s mind was when they were 14 years old. Namping sat at his desk, fussing with his hair for the nineteenth time. Keng didn’t get it, why was Namping going so far when he was already so beautiful?
He opened his mouth to say something but stopped. Was that weird? Surely not right? Namping has been his best friend since they were in diapers. Their parents were close friends and they’ve been inseparable since they could think for themselves.
Clearing his throat, he felt weird. “...Ping, you look fine.” He mumbled out, more for himself than anyone else, but his best friend picked it up of course. Namping let out a huff as he swiveled around in his chair.
“You don’t get it P’Keng. We’re going to the mall, and you know what’s at the mall?” His eyes narrowed in on Keng’s face as he shrugged. Another huff and Namping turned the chair back around.
“See- you don’t get it.” Keng could feel the eyeroll and sass emanating from Namping. He didn’t have to see his face to know it was happening. A comfortable silence blanketed over them as Namping finished up. When he turned back towards Keng, the sparkle in his eyes, the curve of his lips, took Keng’s breath away.
—
The first time Keng called Namping beautiful was when they were 16 years old. Namping had broken up with his first girlfriend due to “personal problems.” Keng never liked her anyway. He reached over, going to hug him.
Then Namping looked up at Keng, his cheeks red and tearstreaked, and Keng blurted out, “You’re beautiful.” Silence. Shit. He scrambled to say something, anything, but he couldn’t form words. Namping had stopped crying, his pretty eyes wet with unshed tears, confusion in their depths.
“...What?” He whispered, his hands trembling where Keng held them. Keng didn’t know what to say. “I, uh, well I don’t think you have anything to worry about Ping. Y-You’re beautiful. Anyone would be glad to have you.” His voice sincere, eyes smiling at him.
Namping stiffened slightly, hackles rising. “That’s not funny P’Keng.” He unknowingly struck a nerve. “...What?” Keng startled, hearing the hurt in his voice. “Ping, I wasn’t trying to-” He was cut off by Namping shoving him away. The barely held tears in his eyes began to trickle and slide down his cheek. He didn’t say a word as he stormed out.
Namping became distant after that. Keng tried over and over to get Namping to talk to him, to help him understand, to be there for him, but Namping wouldn’t bend.
This went on for a few months until it all came to a head. Keng was at his limit. He hadn’t gone this long without seeing Namping in years. They were always on each other's radar. Worse yet, he still didn’t know what he did wrong. Was calling him beautiful that wrong?
Keng walked over to Namping’s house, knocking on the front door. No answer. He tried again but still no answer. His parents must be out of town again. He recalled that he hadn’t seen their car in a few days.
A burst of panic swelled in his chest. Namping usually didn’t go with them. Had he been eating? Taking care of himself? What if something happened? His usually calm demeanor crumbled when his best friend was involved.
Running around to the back, Keng dug in their plant pots, remembering an offhand comment Namping had made about how many ways someone could find to break into their home. He was able to find one of the many spare keys his mom had made. With shaking hands, he unlocks the back door and stumbles inside, making a beeline to Nampings room.
His door was closed but you could hear faint music from inside. Keng slams the door open, zeroing in on the Namping sized clump buried in blankets while sad medleys danced in the background.
Namping made no sound, but his body jerked slightly from the sudden impact into his room. Keng ran over to the bed and gently reached out to feel Namping’s forehead and neck. He didn’t seem to be running a fever, thank goodness.
Namping just stared at him with glassy eyes. Something heavy weighing on him. Keng gently scooped him up, running his fingers gently through his hair, massaging his scalp. Softly, he whispered, “I want to help. How can I-?” Namping shoots his hand out, covering Keng’s mouth.
“It's... it's not you. It’s never been your fault.” Namping’s voice was soft, afraid. Keng felt his heart clench painfully.
“I’ve been… thinking about myself. Who I am… and I realized that my girlfriend was my clutch. My ‘sound reasoning’ about avoiding my feelings. I was using her to keep running from myself, and that day I was feeling particularly bitter. I was hurt because you made it so easy. But I couldn’t… I couldn’t look at myself. I’m… I’m sorry P’Keng. I think I’m gay.”
Silence.
It stretches.
Keng stares into his eyes, which are afraid of the future, of what admitting this could mean for him. When Keng still says nothing, Namping starts to recoil, his body snapping away from Keng’s in fear, in rejection.
Without wasting a moment, he reaches out and grabs his arms, pulling him into his arms. He holds Namping close as his body trembles, encouraging Namping to let go and feel his emotions. Without thinking, Keng whispered softly in his ear, “If it helps, I think I’m Bisexual.” This admission causing Namping to stare at him with those beautiful eyes. “Really?”
Keng looks down at the boy, hurting, and yet so sinfully beautiful. “Yeah, I know so.”
Things felt different after that. Nothing changed in their day to day as Namping began to accept himself and start branching out again. Keng was usually with him, even if he didn’t interact much or participate. It would be weirder to see either of them not by the other’s side.
The air between them when they were alone together felt charged. Like something was building up but could never find its peak. They never talked about sexuality again, keeping their findings to themselves.
A year later, Keng was entering his final year of school while Namping still had more to go. They had a comfortable friend group which consisted of Kongjiro, Thomas, FirstOne, Tle, and Teetee. Teetee was the newest and youngest member of their friend group. Keng tended to dote on the youngest a lot, leaving Namping on his own at times.
His biggest regret is taking Teetee out to a scholarship dinner he received instead of Namping. He got home later that night to vaguely threatening messages from Kong, Namping telling him to get home safe, and Tle just sending him a yikes emoji.
He learns from Kong that ,”everyone was hyping Namping up that you would definitely choose him because, duh?? So the fact that you actually didn’t, made Namping feel bad for hoping you’d choose him. Ugh you’re so dense P’Keng!!” Click.
Kong ends the line as Keng realizes the grave mistake he made. He scrambled for his phone, dialing Namping’s number only to be hung-up on. He sends Namping message after message.
“I’m on my way.”
“I’m sorry, Ping.”
“I’ll never let you eat dinner alone again.”
—
The first time Keng wanted to kiss Namping was at Namping’s graduation party. Their group of friends arranged a small party for them to indulge in. Keng supplied the alcohol, making sure they couldn’t go too crazy.
They played a few different board games, drinking games, etc. They were all flushed with alcohol, feeling good. Keng found his gaze constantly being drawn to Namping. It should be unfair to look that pretty under the harsh lighting of this room. He had a few specs of glitter trailing around his eye, the eyeshadow bringing them out more. His eyes curved into crescents as Kong glomped him playfully.
Keng couldn’t help his open stare from across the room. Kong seemed to notice and whispered something in Namping’s ear and giggled as his face flushed, darting over to Keng briefly. In that moment their eyes met and Keng was overtaken with the urge to walk over to Namping, push him against the wall with a kiss.
A kiss.
A kiss?! Keng jerked forward, jarring his body from the thought. Namping seemed distracted with Kong and FirstOne’s relentless teasing to notice the shift in his eyes. What was he thinking? He tried looking at Namping again, but his eyes kept darting to his plump lips. He even had a sheen of gloss spread across them.
It didn’t take long after that for Keng to realize he had feelings for Namping. He couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him for one, and he started to notice all the small things he would do for him. The things no one notices until pointed out. He stayed close and kept supporting him quietly.
He wanted to act on all those urges he had about Namping. It would be easy to pull his waist in and hold him. To push him against the wall and steal kisses. He realized with startling clarity the night Namping told him about a confession he received from another guy.
And that he was going to give it a try.
Keng’s chest caved in, pained at the thought of Namping seeing someone else. The thought that Namping might touch that guy, hold his hand, whisper his secrets. He couldn’t bear the thought, lashing out.
“Does that really matter?” His tone was harsh and clipped. It seemed to take Namping by surprise before rolled his eyes at him. “Yes?? I’m telling you, my best friend, that I’m going on my first date with a guy!” His eyes were alight with excitement. Keng knew how much this meant to Namping, being able to be out and proud instead of hiding and hurting.
He began to pout, “...and you won’t even listen to me. You’re too busy staring at me with those broody eyes.” He pushes his finger against Keng’s forehead, standing in between his legs, a smile curved across his face.
Keng suddenly regretted lashing out. His best friend was finding himself and so happy. He even let Keng’s outburst slide. He couldn’t help the frown on his face, pulling Namping closer to him, crowding him into his arms. “I’m sorry Ping. I just… I found myself a little jealous.” He paused, staring a little too deeply into Namping’s eyes. “You’re finally finding someone. I wish you the best luck.” He managed to get out.
Namping’s face was flushed as he squirmed, clearly feeling a little uncomfortable. His eyes lit up briefly as Keng admitted he was jealous, but quickly dulled when he finished his sentence. He was hopeful that maybe Keng would want him. That he would tell him to not go, that he was already there… But that hope was crushed, even though his body language said otherwise.
With a push, Namping pulled himself away from Keng, a deep frown settled onto his once smiling face. “You don’t seem happy.” Namping whispers, still standing in between his legs.
—
The first time Keng kissed Namping was at a college party. They were multiple drinks in when Kong shouted for everyone to gather, mischievously holding up an empty bottle. His words were beginning to slur as he set it on the ground.
“It’s not a party without spin the bottle!!” His loud voice capturing everyone’s attention as Thomas, his boyfriend, sighed beside him. “Kong… most people here are already da-” He couldn’t finish as Firstone barreled into the room.
“SPIN THE BOTTLE? LETS GOOOOO!” He drunkenly plopped down, legs crossed with a shit eating grin on his face as Tle, his boyfriend, sat across from him with a sigh. “We’re all friends right? What’s a silly kiss?” You could tell he had resigned to his fate.
Keng and Namping sat next to each other, thigh to thigh, with Namping swaying to the music and Keng smiling gently at him. Kong, drunk as all hell, had to hold himself back from squealing over them, but his very pointed smile was pretty obvious.
The game began a little awkwardly, everyone sipping their drinks as Kong decided to start the game. With an exhaled breath he spun the bottle, watching as it flitted by their friends' faces. With a stroke of luck, it landed on Thomas. Firstone let out a loud boo while Kong scooted over to his boyfriend, planting a chaste kiss on his lips. The game continued around the circle, some awkward, some messy, and some kisses that lasted just a tad too long.
Finally the bottle was pointed towards Keng, who’d been lucky to avoid any kisses so far along with Namping. The other end was unfortunately Thomas, who grimaced as Kong let out a loud laugh. Namping had stilled beside him, a small frown etched on his face.
Keng sighed and leaned towards Thomas, ready to get it over with as they had what was probably the most embarrassing experience in their friendship. The kiss was light and quick, barely there before both men were retreating with frowns. Kong leaned his head on Thomas’s shoulder with a giggle, blissfully unaware of the storm forming over Namping’s head.
With another sigh, Keng contemplated if maybe he should leave the party now or not. He could sense Namping’s discomfort next to him, assuming it was because he didn’t really care for this game. Steeling himself, he spun the bottle, watching as it ticked on by each person he did not want to kiss.
With some stroke of luck, the bottle slowed down and landed on Namping, who was right next to him. Kong screamed, his arms raising in the air like he won the lottery. Keng met Namping’s eyes, which were now wide with shock, his lips parted slightly, trembling. The flush on his cheeks was cute, Keng wasn’t sure if he was shy or if that was the alcohol flowing through his veins. He turned towards him, gently tilting his head up before he placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
The room seemed to slow down around them, Keng’s mouth melding so perfectly with Namping’s soft, plump lips. Namping pushed back gently, nervously, as though afraid Keng was made of glass. Or maybe he was afraid that Keng would lash out at him, despite never having given any sort of indication that could ever happen.
Keng so badly wanted to push, push, push. His lips parted, quickly darting his tongue to trace Namping’s lips before the boy pulled away with a start. He was flushed a deep red, avoiding eye contact with Keng as the room erupted into cheers.
The game continued on for a few more rounds, a new rule being added that if you didn’t want to kiss you could take a shot. The game finally fizzled out when Kong rolled his head onto Thomas’s lap, fiddling with his shirt sleeve. Everyone else got up and went back to dancing in the main room when someone put music on.
Keng and Namping sat on the floor with Thomas and Kong. Namping had taken a shot to avoid a kiss, so he was leaning gently on Keng’s shoulder, his eyes drooping. Kong just watched them in silence, allowing them to exist in the space for a moment.
But as soon as his second wind hit, Kong jumped up and reached for Namping, dragging him up before shouting, “It’s time to dance!!” He then dragged the startled Namping into the other room, merging with the rest of the dancing bodies. Keng and Thomas just watched in shock before sighing and following suit.
The second time Keng kissed Namping was on the dance floor. Thankfully they were able to quickly locate the two drunk boys swaying questionably to the music. Thomas came up from behind, wrapping his arms around Kong’s waist and swaying questionably with him.
Keng hovered by Namping, wanting nothing more than to do the same and wrap his arms around him, but he didn’t have the guts to do it. He alerted Namping to his presence and to his surprise Namping immediately leaned backwards, leaning against him.
Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around his waist, his hands resting on his stomach as they swayed together. Kong was too far gone to notice, but Thomas made a mental note to tell his boyfriend later.
The two pairs danced clumsily to the music, the alcohol thrumming through their veins making them less coordinated than ever. Without warning, Namping swiveled around in Keng’s arms, causing them to be chest to chest, his arms now settling on his lower back.
Namping smiled up at Keng, his eyes crinkling into half-moon crescents. God he was beautiful. Keng’s eyes darted across the slightly smaller man's face, taking in the flush of his cheeks, the curve of his smile, the plumpness of his lips.
His lips.
Keng already had a brief taste of Namping earlier, his greed for more taking over due to his lowered faculties. He smiled back at Namping, who wrapped his arms around Keng, the two properly slow dancing to a very not slow dance song.
There was no one else in the room but Namping. Keng had been struggling with who he was and what he wanted for a while. But right here, right now? He wanted Namping. His best friend since childhood. The only man to cause turmoil in his heart.
Locking eyes, Namping seemed to sense the seriousness emanating from Keng. He tilted his head to the side, in question. Before he could open his mouth to speak, Keng leaned in and captured his lips again.
Namping gasped against his lips, his hands curling into Keng’s shirt as they stood still on the dance floor, bodies writhing around them. Keng didn’t pause, his hands gripped into Namping’s hips as open-mouth kissed Namping.
Namping very well could have pushed him away and he would have stopped, but Namping melted into his kisses. They started as innocent small kisses, slowly turning deeper and filthier. The first time Keng’s tongue found its way into his mouth, Namping let out a quiet moan against his mouth, causing Keng to re-evaluate his life.
The way their lips melded together so perfectly was insane to Keng. He pushed deeper, wanting to explore every inch of his best friend in front of him. Their hot breaths mingled as he disregarded the time and place.
His fingers snuck under the hem of Namping’s shirt, just barely skirting his bare skin, feeling Namping shiver beneath his touch. He was about to shove his entire hand under his shirt when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
Breaking apart from the kiss, Namping just slumped forward, hiding his face in Keng’s chest as he looked to see who the hell just got in his way. Seeing Thomas’s face seemed to ground him in reality again. He looked around frantically, thankfully the only ones staring at him were Thomas and Kong.
Kong’s face was aghast, his mouth hanging open in surprise. He was speechless. Thomas sighed, shaking his head as he pointed to Namping. “You should get him home. Or something.” That was when Keng realized that Namping’s eyes were hooded, barely staying afloat.
What the fuck was he doing? Shit. He swore to himself, his hands becoming gentle against Namping, instead of the tight grip he just had on him. He leaned over, whispering in his ear, “Hey Ping, let’s get you home, mn?” His voice soft as Namping mumbled incoherently against him.
Wrapping Nampings arm around his shoulder, he wrapped his own arm around Namping’s waist to help support him. Namping’s head lolled on Keng’s shoulder, mumbling incoherently under his breath.
Keng was able to call a taxi pretty quickly, thank god, and he directed them back to his apartment. He didn’t want to fight with Namping’s half asleep drunk mind to get his keys and put him to sleep. He also didn’t feel comfortable leaving his drunk poong all alone.
With a stumble, he opened his apartment door, pulling Namping in. He gently set him down on the couch, watching as he flailed about, mumbling non-stop. Keng went to the kitchen, grabbed a glass of water and some pain meds and moved to Namping’s side, offering the drink to try and help sober him up.
After some time, he was able to get Namping changed into (oversized) pajamas and got him tucked into his bed. With that task done, Keng stripped down, getting a proper shower in. He sat under the warm water, thinking about what the hell happened tonight. He kissed Namping. Twice.
His heart beat erratically as he remembered the feeling on his lips. Shit.
—
The first time Keng said “I love you” to Namping was emotional. In the weeks following their awkward party makeout session, Namping was a little distant. He’d woken up that morning snuggled into Keng’s arms and his heart almost couldn’t take it.
He had snuck out before Keng got up, embarrassment coursing through his veins because what?? What happened last night? His mind was foggy, but he distinctly remembers kissing Keng the first time. He had a barrage of messages from Kong as well, asking how he was, where he was, what happened, are you okay, etc.
Sitting on the subway, he let out a heavy sigh before responding.
“ugh idk. I woke up at Kengs and am omw home.”
“KENGS?! SO HE TOOK YOU HOME???”
“Yeah- I figure he probably didn’t want to deal with my drunk ass so he just let me sleep over.”
“Girl. after the way he was macking on you last night? There’s gotta be more to it.”
“Macking??”
“Oh my god you don’t remember do you”
“I remember the spin the bottle kiss and then going to dance but after that it gets a little hazy.”
“Oh sweetie. You guys danced alright… you were so clingy with each other and then out of nowhere you guys started making out. Keng looked like he wanted to eat you!! I think he forgot where you guys were bc p’Tho had to remind him of where he was lol”
“WHAT”
“YEAH”
“Oh my god."
Namping turned his phone off, feeling the vibrations come through of Kong undoubtedly freaking out with him. They… kissed? Again? He tried to scour his memory for the second kiss. This one wasn’t the cause of playing a stupid game. What was Keng thinking?
Namping’s heart couldn’t handle it. How was he supposed to confront Keng now? Were things going to just go back to normal? Or were things changing between them? He didn’t know what to do, so he decided to avoid him for now.
The next few days passed in a blur. Keng woke up to an empty and cold bed, tried reaching out to Namping but didn’t hear back. Namping avoided messages and running into Keng when he could. He was even avoiding his friend group because he knew that Keng would probably be nearby.
Meanwhile Keng was distraught. Sure, he’d had arguments with Namping in the past and they stopped contact for a short time, but he always knew what happened and why Namping did it. But this time? He had no clue. Was it the party? Did Keng maybe take it too far?
He even tried reaching out to Kong but even he hadn’t seen Namping properly since the party. He’d avoided going to his apartment because he didn’t want to be a creep or seem stalker-ish, but a week had passed with nothing from Namping and he was getting worried.
Steeling himself, he knocked on Namping’s door, knowing full well that he was at home right now. The door opened with a creak and he met Namping’s eyes, which immediately widened in shock before attempting to shut the door in his face.
Without skipping a beat, he pushed against the door with his hand, causing it to not close fully. Namping was trying to close it, but Keng sandwiched his foot int he doorframe, making it impossible to close. “Wait, please- Namping. I-I just want to talk.” His words tumbled out, panicked.
Hearing the edge in Keng’s voice, Namping stopped pushing against him. He peeked out of the door, taking in Keng’s slightly unkempt appearance. It seemed like he rushed over here and that he might not have been sleeping well. Was he really this affected just by Namping’s absence? His traitorous heart fluttered gently against his chest.
Seeing that he wasn’t being denied access anymore, Keng let out a breath. “Can I come in?” He asked gently, another breath escaping when Namping pushed the door open. He took in his appearance, dark circles under his eyes, his hair a slight mess, and wearing overly baggy clothes to hide himself behind.
“Ping..” Keng started, stepping into the apartment and closing the door behind him. There was so much he wanted to say, but how? Namping tucked his hands into his long sleeves, walking further into the apartment.
“Do you want something to drink?” He asked, busying himself with filling his electric kettle and turning it on. He was still avoiding eye contact with Keng and couldn’t bring himself to properly acknowledge him.
Closing his eyes tightly for a moment, Keng approached the kitchen, seeing Namping back away slightly. “I’m sorry.” His words tumbled out, watching Namping’s eyes widen a fraction before darkening.
“It’s fine. I barely remember what happened anyway. Nothing new.” Namping bit out. His harsh tone of voice took Keng by surprise. Why did he sound so bitter?
“But it’s not okay. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that. In front of all those people too. It’s not fair to you.” Namping felt the tears pricking at the edges of his eyes, causing him to turn around.
“I reciprocated, did I not? Why is this such a big deal?” Keng could hear the wavering tone in Namping’s voice. The tension in the room at it’s all time high.
“I don’t believe that. If it wasn’t a big deal, why have you been avoiding me all week?” He took a step closer, the sound of the electric kettle heating up their only background noise. Keng basically had him cornered in the kitchen.
Namping could feel how close Keng was, though he was still giving a respectable distance. He hated that. He knew Keng could never feel for him the same way. He knew Keng would find a nice young lady one day and settle down with her while Namping was speed dating through the gay population in this city.
“I don’t want to be the one holding you back!” Namping blurted, his voice rising as his tears began to fall. “I can’t. I can’t be the one who does that P’Keng. You’re.. You’re everything to me. My best friend, my ride or die, my…” His voice cut off as the words ‘first love’ died on his tongue. He swiveled around, ready to face Keng but was taken aback when he saw the fresh tears sliding down Keng’s cheeks.
“Wha-” He was cut off by Keng pulling him into a tight hug. His arms hung limply at his sides as Keng breathed him in.
“I love you.” The words tumbled out before Keng could stop them. Time froze as the two took those words in. Namping short circuited, his arms coming up to do something. He wasn’t sure if he should hug him or push him away.
Before he could say anything else, Keng moved backwards, making it so he could look at Namping properly.
Namping was beautiful.
“I should have said this a long time ago. I’ve been fighting with my feelings ever since we were teenagers. I just couldn’t comprehend you returning them. I still don’t think it’s possible after the way I’ve treated you all these years. But we keep coming back to each other.” His words were soft as he linked his hand with Namping’s.
Namping was in shock. This was a lot of information to process. What do you mean he’s liked him since they were teenagers? He thought back on the many many years of their friendship. He remembered when Keng first called him beautiful, right after he broke up with his first girlfriend at the ripe age of 16. Things were different after that. That’s when their relationship was altered, and he thought it was because Keng wasn’t supportive of his lifestyle.
Are you serious? Namping could help himself and let out a short laugh, causing Keng to freeze in front of him. “Are you kidding me? We’ve been playing this game of cat and mouse for years.” Keng nodded solemnly, unsure of what to do.
“I know. You deserved to know sooner. I’m so-” Keng was interrupted by Namping’s quick outburst.
“I love you too.” Keng felt dizzy. The shock on his face evident, causing Namping to giggle nervously, entwining his fingers with his.
“P’Keng we’ve been so stupid all these years. I’ve loved you since we were kids. But I thought.. I can’t believe it.” He couldn’t stop the nervous laughs from escaping his mouth. Keng seemed to be in shock as well, following soon after with fits of laughing.
They sat in the kitchen like that for awhile, just nervously laughing and chatting about the small things they’ve noticed over the years. The electric kettle long since fully heated, but completely ignored.
Keng quietly held Namping’s hand, guiding him into the living room where they sat on the couch together. The sat in solitude for awhile before Keng turned towards Namping again. “Can I kiss you? Properly this time?” His voice was low, head already leaning towards Namping but still waiting for express permission.
A smile graced Namping’s lips as he nodded, leaning in as well, capturing Keng’s lips with his own. The kiss was sweet and loving. They took their time, learning the meld of each others lips together. No rush this time, not like the drunken kisses.
Keng took his time exploring Namping’s mouth, leaving him breathless as he pushed him back against the couch, his hands rubbing small circles into his waist where he held onto him. After a few moments, Namping pulled away breathlessly and whined against his mouth, “P’Kenggg. I can’t breath. Give me a moment.”
Leaning their foreheads against each other, they sat in proper silence.
“P’Keng.”
“Mn?”
“Will you be my boyfriend?”
A pause.
“Of course. I’ve always been yours.”
FIN