Work Text:
Indonesia’s POV
Aku tak yakin apa perasaan ini, tapi yang kutahu hanyalah aku tidak menyukainya. Ketika aku menatap mata seorang lelaki Filipina terlalu lama, aku mulai kehilangan diriku di dalamnya. Kemudian aku berhenti sejenak untuk menikmati dan menghirup pemandangan kehadirannya yang terbentang di hadapanku—senyumnya yang indah, rambut coklatnya yang terurai tertiup angin tropis, dan bagaimana sinar matahari keemasan menerangi kulitnya yang kecoklatan dengan sempurna. Setiap saat, aku seolah menghargainya. Rasanya seolah hatiku melengkapi hatinya. Aku percaya kita tidak ditakdirkan untuk terpisah; kita seperti satu. Ampuni aku, Allah. Ampuni aku. Ampuni aku karena telah mengkhianati-Mu dan imanku. Aku merasa jijik dan malu pada diriku sendiri karena bahkan menatap Piri seperti itu. Aku berharap bisa menghentikan semua ini sekaligus, tapi aku tidak bisa. Ya Allah, ampuni aku. Ampuni aku karena merasa nyaman ketika dia berada di dekatku, ketika dia menatapku, ketika dia menyentuhku seperti itu. Aku benar-benar tidak ingin mengkhianati-Mu. Hatiku bertindak sendiri untuk seseorang yang seharusnya tidak kucintai. Aku tahu semua ini akan berbeda jika saja dia seorang wanita—dan bukan seorang Kristen. Kuharap dia seorang perempuan. Aku sangat berharap begitu. Mungkin dengan begitu, aku tidak akan dikhianati oleh tanganku sendiri yang najis.
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I don't know what this feeling is, but all I know is I don’t like it. When I gaze into Philippines’ eyes for too long, I start to swim in it. Then I’d drink in and breathe in the sight of his existence which lays right in front of my eyes. His beautiful smile. His brown hair flowing in the tropical breeze, and the way the golden sun perfectly spilled itself on his tan skin. Every single second, I seem to enjoy it. It’s like my heart has a complementary shape to his. I don’t think we’re something to be separated; a bundle you’d say. I’m sorry… Allah. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for betraying you and my religion. I swear I feel disgusted and repulsed at myself for even viewing Piri in that light. I hoped I could just stop it all at once, but I can’t. Oh Allah, please forgive me. Forgive me for being at ease when he is around me, when he stares at me, when he touches me that way. I really don’t want to betray you. It’s my heart acting on its own for someone that shouldn’t have been the one. I know this all would have been fine if only he’d be a girl… And not a Christian. I wish he was a girl. I really do. Then maybe You wouldn’t have been betrayed by my dirty hands.
Philippines’ POV
(maap tagalogny agk kentang, pake translasi hehehe)
(sorry if the tagalog is potato, I used a translator)
Diyos, dapat kong aminin—mahal ko siya. Hinahangaan niya ako, pinaparamdam niya sa akin na espesyal ako, at binibigyan niya ako ng halaga. Bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko tuwing nakikita ko siya. Ang kanyang banayad na haplos at ngiti ay umaalingawngaw sa aking kalooban. Ang paraan ng pagsulyap niya sa akin ay iba sa iba; tunay na nakikita niya ako, kinikilala niya ako. Sa isang silid na puno ng makapangyarihang mga bansa, hahanapin niya ako. Hindi ko maiwasang umibig. Paumanhin—susubukan kong ayusin ito... pero sa totoo lang, ayoko dahil napakasarap sa pakiramdam. Nakakaadik ang panonood sa kanya ng hagikgik at kumilos na nahihiya sa paligid ko. Alam kong makasarili ang magpakasawa sa mga ipinagbabawal na kaisipang ito, ngunit hindi ko mapigilan ang aking sarili. I'll try to suppress them lalo na't parang malayo ang Dirga lately. Siguro ang existence ko ang nagtulak sa kanya palayo. Marahil ay na-misinterpret ko ang bawat maliit na pakikipag-ugnayan sa pagitan namin. Marahil ay hindi niya ako nakikita sa ganoong paraan, lalo na sa kanyang matibay na kaugnayan sa kanyang Diyos. I’m convinced he’s decided na magkaibigan lang kami. Siya at ang kanyang mga tao ay hindi aprubahan sa amin bilang soulmates. Minsan, sana hindi na lang ako sinama ni Antonio. Naaalala ko ang mga araw na matapang akong manamit bilang isang babae, nang walang takot na tanggihan ng aking mga tao. Kung sana—sa ngayon lang—mapapahayag ko nang hayagan ang aking pag-ibig, nang hindi kinakabahang kinukulit ang aking mga kuko at labis na iniisip ang lahat. Kung nagkaroon lang ako ng lakas ng loob minsan. Patawarin mo ako, Ama, at linisin mo ako sa aking mga kasalanan.
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God, I must confess. I love him. He amazes me, makes me feel like I’m something, and that I’m worth something. My heart flutters when I see him. His gentle touch and smile had reached something in me. The way he bats an eye on me, but not like the others. He sees me. He acknowledges me. In a room full of all the strong nations, he’d look for me. I can’t help but fall in love. I’m sorry. I will fix this problem…But… I don’t want to. It feels so good. To see him giggle and act shy around me… I’m addicted. It’s selfish of me to indulge in such perversions, I know. I will try to limit these thoughts, as Dirga himself has been quite distant lately. Maybe my existence repulsed him. Maybe I’m misinterpreting every little thing we do and have with each other. Maybe he doesn’t see me that way, because of his strong ties to his God. I’m sure he has made up his mind about us, that we’re just friends. He and his people wouldn’t approve of us as some soulmates anyway. … Sometimes, I wish Antonio hadn’t adopted me. I remembered the times I was still brave enough to dress feminine, without having to fear that my people would disapprove and be disappointed at me. If only—right now—I could profess my love without having to fidget with my own nails dangerously and having a million thoughts racing in my head. If only I had the same bravery like then. Forgive me, Father. Cleanse me of all my sins.